Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I’m in love with you,” Jungkook blurts, eyes widening like he can’t quite believe he said that.

Seokjin can’t believe he said that either. The audacity of this kid. It’s almost midnight. He needs his beauty sleep; he’s not getting any younger. He forces a laugh, watches as Jungkook’s face falls — why does he feel like he’s about to throw up?

“ Oof , bad call,” he says. There’s a moment of silence as Jungkook stares at him, disbelieving. 

Seokjin maintains his grin, the corners of his mouth aching. Why isn’t Jungkook laughing? 

“I— what?” Jungkook says, voice barely there. His hands have stopped shaking and Seokjin counts that as a win. When he came to Seokjin he was a bundle of nerves asking if they could talk for a moment before bed. Seokjin kicked up a fuss about it being late but Jungkook insisted it was important. Turns out it wasn’t important. 

“I have to go.” Jungkook’s chair screeches against the tile floor as he shoots up and all but runs down the hallway before Seokjin can speak, stumbling over his own feet as he goes. The dorm is quiet enough for Seokjin to hear the click of the lock on Jungkook’s bedroom door as he holes himself away. 

Seokjin shrugs to himself, clapping his hands on his knees as he stands. He groans for dramatic effect even though there’s no one else in the common area before he heads to his own room. 

Well, that was dramatic.

...

"So." Namjoon heaves a heavy sigh as he takes a seat opposite Seokjin. He’s got his serious leader-face on. Seokjin wonders what God he pissed off to have to deal with two sit down kitchen table discussions in a week. 

"So," Seokjin parrots, raising an eyebrow. It's the morning after the night before — well, the afternoon. Jungkook hasn't emerged from his room yet. Luckily they don't have a schedule for the day. Seokjin took the luxury of sleeping in and making a big breakfast for himself. 

“I spoke to Jungkook earlier,” Namjoon says. 

Seokjin rolls his eyes. This? Again? He was sure that incident would go on the pile of Things To Never Talk About. 

“Hyung, don’t.” Namjoon sounds exhausted — disappointed in a way he usually reserves for Yoongi when he has to be collected from the studio after a 72-hour caffeine binge. 

"He told me that he told you something very personal and you responded... carelessly." Namjoon chooses his words diplomatically. His role as leader doesn't necessarily extend to the dorm — not now they're older at least and less prone to petty fights. Seokjin wishes he'd let things be.

"If Jungkook told you he was in love with you, what would you say?" Seokjin asks even though he sincerely doesn't care what Namjoon would say. 

Namjoon sighs again. He thinks for a moment before saying, "I would tell him that I'm proud of him for telling me but I don't feel the same way. I wouldn't tell him ' oof, bad call ' and leave it at that."

Seokjin presses his lips together to suppress a laugh. Hearing it back only makes it sound funnier. Namjoon's frown deepens. He opens his mouth to speak again but Seokjin cuts him off.

"Look, it's just a silly crush. It'll pass." He waves his hand in front of himself dismissively. Jungkook is a romantic boy; he falls in love too easily. He believes in all that soulmate nonsense Seokjin can't stand. The others indulge him in it too — he has no doubt Namjoon put him up to the confession in the first place.

"Even if it is, it's still Jungkook. He’s our maknae. He deserves more than 'oof, bad call'." If, as if Jungkook could love Seokjin. As if this love isn't a product of spending too much time around the same person and having a career that makes dating practically impossible. Seokjin is pretty sure Jungkook has never been in a relationship before — he can't possibly know what being in love means, not that Seokjin knows much about it either.

"He'll get over it," Seokjin says with a shrug. Give it a few days, a couple of bottles of wine and Jungkook will move on. Simple. No need for discussion.

Namjoon groans, pressing his fingertips to his temples like he's getting a headache. "That's not the point, hyung."

Seokjin feels his ears burning, desperately ready for this conversation to be over. His stomach his coiling unpleasantly hot with something he can't place. It'd be easy to get angry with Namjoon for putting him in this position but instead he just sighs, mimicking Namjoon's earlier dramatics.

"Alright. What I said was insensitive to our dear, darling maknae. It happened, it's over now. If one of you feel the sudden need to profess your undying love for me again, I'll be sure to remember to let you down gently," Seokjin says, a little rushed at the end. His voice is tighter than he'd like it to be, annoyance creeping into his tone.

"You can’t— whatever, okay." Namjoon stands, defeated. “Just apologise to Jungkook,” he  says and turns to leave.

"There's leftovers in the fridge!" Seokjin calls after him, already aware he won't get a reply.

...

It’s later the same day that Seokjin receives the first text from Jimin. 

He almost misses the the Kakao notification he’s so immersed in his game. He hits the menu button, uncaring of how angry his teammates will be at him when he rejoins the game. With the sheer level of incompetence they’re all displaying, they’ll lose the game regardless of how hard Seokjin tries. 

BigHit Park Jimin > Jin [15:30]
What is your fucking problem?

Seokjin stares at his phone, taken aback. He should’ve anticipated the talk from Namjoon but he doesn’t expect the message from Jimin. Although Jimin is usually the first to pop off in the dms — he finds it much easier than being nasty in person. Seokjin didn’t think it was that serious, but Jimin is terribly protective of their youngest. 

Jin [15:32]
That’s what is your fucking problem hyung to you

BigHit Park Jimin [15:35]
I know you’re bad at being a human being HYUNG but I did think you’d stoop fucking low to hurt Jungkook like that HYUNG 
He’s been crying all day
I don’t know why you think you’re above saying sorry
You don’t have to fucking marry him 
Just not treat him like shit
Maybe? 

Jimin sends the messages in such quick succession Seokjin imagines him hunched over this phone, typing furiously. He wonders if Jungkook knows what Jimin is telling Seokjin about his emotional issues. 

Jin [15:40]
🤔

BigHit Park Jimin [15:40]
Can you attempt an emotion for a minute?

Jin [15:41]
It’s against my nature I’m afraid

BigHit Park Jimin [15:41]

God fuck you 

Seokjin considers replying that’s god fuck you hyung but resists. He rolls his eyes and locks his phone. Jimin is prone to overreaction, it’s not really a big deal he’s so angry. They’ll be a soft knock on Seokjin’s bedroom door in an hour when Jimin comes to apologise for snapping. 

...

Everyone is frosty at practice the next day. Jimin never came to apologise but Seokjin doesn’t care. He gave up trying to make jokes in the car on the way to the studio after Yoongi fixed him in a pointed glare and put his stupid Galaxy Buds in. 

Whatever — they can be as mad at him as they like, he didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe he was little flippant with Jungkook’s feelings and Jungkook is allowed to be upset at getting his little crush rejected but there’s no need to bring the whole group into it. And it is the whole group, he realises after Hoseok snaps at him for falling half a beat behind. It takes him off-guard at first. Hoseok is usually strict but it takes him time to get snappy. 

Group transgressions don’t usually make it out of the dorm — professionalism and all that. It makes it to the studio sometimes until one of their managers tell them to pack it in. It makes Seokjin feel like a little kid to get scolded by their management team but he’s not the one that holds grudges. 

They’re in-between comebacks right now — preparing for some performance they’ll have to travel all the way to the states for. Seokjin likes the US well enough, although he was rather looking forward to staying in Korea for more than a month without international travel. 

Practice is tense the entire time. Jimin shoots him a glare every time he makes a mistake before he corrects him. He still takes the time to correct him, though, even if he’s blunt and impatient as he does so. Jungkook doesn’t speak to him once but Seokjin anticipated that. 

He tells himself it’ll be over soon enough.

...

Seokjin doesn’t purposefully avoid situations that leave him on his own with Jungkook but it is a while before they find themselves alone again. Seokjin is a ready to put a line under the whole ordeal, pretend it never happened, go back to throwing things at each other from across the dorm. Has been ready to ever since that night, honestly. 

When he sees Jungkook in the kitchen fixing himself some toast, Seokjin considers turning around and hiding in his room until he hears Jungkook head out. He realises how ridiculous that is just as fast. It’s just Jungkook. The kid has probably forgotten he ever had a crush in the first place. 

“Taehyung gave me a very dirty look last night, I’ll have you know,” he says as he joins Jungkook at the counter. Jimin and Taehyung have been in an especially bad mood with him lately, but he supposes Jungkook confides in them the most. 

Jungkook looks up from his plate, offering Seokjin a sad little smile. “Sorry, hyung,” he says. 

“It’s not your fault,” Seokjin says and the conversation lulls before it ever really began. It’s probably natural for things to be a bit awkward right now. Jungkook’s moping doesn’t help. 

Seokjin fills the kettle and flicks it to life. He turns around and leans with his back to the counter and watches as Jungkook spreads too much jam onto a piece of toast. His hands are shaking. Is he still that nervous? 

“JK, what’s wrong?” he ask. When he looks to Jungkook’s face he has his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. He lets it go to reply and Seokjin can see the little dents of his teeth in the soft skin.

“It’s nothing, hyung,” Jungkook insists, but his shaky voice betrays him. 

“Tell hyung what’s wrong,” Seokjin says. He wishes he didn’t sound quite so serious, he should be trying to make Jungkook laugh. It’s never been very hard to cheer Jungkook up when he’s upset, although Seokjin is rarely the reason he’s upset in the first place. 

“Nothing,” Jungkook’s voice cracks. Seokjin watches in horror as the first tears slide down Jungkook’s cheeks, breathing hitching into a sob. 

This wasn’t part of the plan at all. 

He’s not Jimin or Hoseok, he’s not as fast to hug Jungkook when he’s upset or wipe away his tears. He doesn’t have any pretty words like Namjoon does or even a comforting presence like Taehyung or Yoongi. He can’t think of anything remotely funny to say. 

“JK…” he begins but Jungkook is already leaving, abandoning in his breakfast on the counter and jogging down the hall. 

A better man than Seokjin would go after him to find out what’s wrong or at least shoot him a text to let him know he’s here if he wants to talk. But Seokjin already knows he’s not a better man so he makes himself a mug of tea and picks up Jungkook’s forgotten toast and bumbles over to the couch to find something to watch on TV. 

The uncomfortable feeling in his belly lingers. He can’t even finish the toast. He takes a deep breath, tries to take his mind off the image of Jungkook’s face crumpling as he began to cry. Seokjin has seen Jungkook cry many times in the eight or so years they’ve been know each other and made him cry quite a few times too. It’s never felt like this. 

Whatever. He shoves it all away, buries the bad feelings under bad TV. It’ll pass. Jungkook will get a grip of himself. 

...

“Have you apologised to Jungkook yet?” is the first thing Namjoon asks when he catches Seokjin alone in the dressing room. Seokjin is sat on one of the makeup chairs in front of the mirror, scrolling through twitter absently.

They have a photoshoot today. Seokjin can’t remember what this one is for. There must be millions of photos of his face by now. 

Seokjin sighs. “No,” is all he replies. 

He doesn’t see why he should. He’s not about to tell Namjoon that because he doesn’t want to hear Namjoon explain it to him. Seokjin can acknowledge when he’s made a mistake — that’s not the issue. Namjoon is a sensitive one and it’s worked out well so far when it comes to sorting out group problems. 

But this isn’t a group problem — this is a Jungkook problem. It’s not Seokjin’s fault. 

“You need to,” Namjoon says. 

“Do I?” Seokjin replies. That gets him a frown. 

“Yes, hyung, please. So we can all move on.”

We? Seokjin wants to snap. How could this possibly be affecting any of them? 

He refrains. He doesn’t want to start an argument. 

“I’ll do it when we get home,” Seokjin says instead. He turns to the mirror in front of him, assuming the conversation is over. 

The stylists have slicked his hair back. Their fans like his forehead for some reason. It makes him look older, more mature. He doesn’t always like the reminder than he’s older than the rest of them. It’s a struggle having that role, having that weight on his shoulders. He’d like to think he does a good job of it. 

Namjoon is speaking again and he has to stop checking himself out. 

“Hyung, look,” Namjoon starts. He sounds serious, more so than before. Seokjin looks down at this hands in his lap, phone still between his crooked fingers. He doesn’t feel like the oldest when he’s being lectured by someone three years his junior. 

“I know you’re not good at the whole feelings thing,” Namjoon continues. Seokjin snorts as he remembers Jimin calling him bad at being a human. “Hyung,” Namjoon warns. 

“Sorry, go on,” Seokjin says, glancing up to Namjoon who is still frowning at him.

“Can you please take this seriously? Jungkook is upset because of something you said. Just try and show some compassion for once.”

Namjoon walks away after that, when Seokjin doesn’t look up from his hands.

Seokjin thinks back to earlier when Jungkook was giggling with Hoseok in the car or when Taehyung sat in his lap to show him memes when they were getting ready for the shoot and how he didn’t look particularly cut up when he was cackling away.

But whatever, he doesn’t want to cause an argument. 

...

So, Seokjin finds himself stood outside of Jungkook’s bedroom door that evening. They got home from the shoot about an hour ago, long enough to remove the heavy makeup and wash the copious amounts of gel out of his hair. 

Perhaps its the right thing to go. He can’t take much more of everyone being shirty with him. There’s an unpleasant tension in the dorm that can’t be shaken off with a grin. 

“JK, it’s hyung,” he calls through the door, rapping his knuckles against the wood in a pleasing rhythm. 

“Come in,” Jungkook calls back. 

When Seokjin opens the door he finds Jungkook curled up in a blanket on his desk chair. He’s playing Minecraft. Jungkook doesn’t take his eyes off the screen as Seokjin shuts the door behind himself, he just keeps breeding his chickens. 

“I’m here to apologise,” Seokjin says. He stands awkwardly by the door. 

“Oh,” Jungkook says. He pauses his game and looks over to Seokjin, hugging his knees to his chest. “Thanks.”

“Well, do you accept my apology?” 

Jungkook frowns. “You didn’t apologise.” 

Seokjin clears his throat, shifts his weight from one foot to the other. What does this kid expect?

“Alright. Sorry, Jungkook-ah,” he says. He does his best to sound sincere. 

Jungkook doesn’t stop frowning. He looks more angry than anything else. The default expression his members look at him with these days. 

“Do you even know what you’re saying sorry for?” Jungkook snaps. Seokjin doesn’t know what his problem is. It’s not even Seokjin’s fault that they have this problem, Jungkook can’t pick and choose his apologies if he’s lucky he’s getting one in the first place. 

Seokjin wants to snap back but he doesn’t. 

“To get Namjoon off my back?” he says. 

“Okay,” is all Jungkook replies. He turns back to his computer, resuming his game. 

Seokjin presses his lips into a thin line. He should ask Jungkook what his problem is, he should tell him to get over himself already. How he wants to be nasty just to get a reaction other than indifference. If Jungkook was really in love with him then he wouldn’t react like this. 

He shuts the door harder than necessary on the way out, just to send a message. Whipping his phone out of his back pocket, he quickly shoots a message to Namjoon to let him know he said sorry and shoves his phone back into his pocket before he can get a response. 

When he reaches his own room he falls face first on his bed and groans into his pillow. 

Namjoon is mad at him. Taehyung is mad at him. Hoseok is mad at him. Jimin may murder him in his sleep any day now. Yoongi — he actually hasn’t spoken more than a couple of words to Yoongi since it happened, but knowing the gigantic soft spot he has for Jungkook it’s safe to assume Yoongi he also mad at him. 

Jungkook is being a brat. That’s nothing new but Seokjin hates feeling like he’s caused it. 

What else was he supposed to say? It’s not like he could’ve just accepted Jungkook’s confession, told him he loved him too when he doesn’t. Dating as idols is difficult as enough as is — an in-group relationship is a monumentally stupid idea anyway.

He’s never thought of himself as a relationship person. He had a girlfriend in college briefly. She was a nice girl although he can’t remember a single detail about her. It’s been almost a decade, he supposes it’s normal. 

Yoongi has a girlfriend. He was the last person Seokjin expected to fall for that nonsense but he seems happy with her. They only see each other one or twice a month at best. He can’t wrap his head around why Yoongi puts himself through that. 

Casual sex was tricky to figure out at first but Seokjin has since perfected the art of not giving a shit. It becomes a lot easier when you’re not panicking about the details and at this point in his career Seokjin doubts getting caught with a girl in his hotel room would damage his career. The people he sleeps with know better than to cause a scandal — especially the other idols. 

Romance… being in love… dedicating your life to someone…. all rubbish. Seokjin doesn’t have time for it. 

Jungkook on the other hand gets all starry-eyed when he talks about romance. The way he cries at rom-coms so shamelessly these days, doesn’t even have to decency to pretend he’s not like he did as a teenager. He talks about hearing bells when he meets his soulmate because of course he believes in those. Seokjin doesn’t have the heart to tell him it’s all one big marketing scheme. Jimin would have his balls if he tried. 

Seokjin can’t be doing with it. 

His phone vibrates in his back pocket. He fishes in out with one hand, propping himself up on his elbows so he can read the text. 

BigHit Kim Namjoon > Jin [22:44]
Thank you 
Did it go well?

Namjoon isn’t home right now, he’s out to dinner with friends, he wouldn’t have heard the door slam. Seokjin can twist the truth a little. 

Jin [22:44]
Yeah it was fine
Glad it’s over

BigHit Kim Namjoon [22:45]
Good
Thank you for doing that
I know it’s not easy but it’s necessary 

Seokjin rolls his eyes and tosses his phone on the nightstand, flopping onto his side. As he falls asleep all he can think is that wishes Jungkook weren’t so ungrateful. 

...

Seokjin wakes to a commotion in the dorm. For once he thinks he hasn’t caused it but that illusion is shattered as he hears footsteps storming towards his bedroom and a cry of, “Hyung, stop!” from Jungkook. Seokjin’s bedroom door is swung open and Namjoon is walking into his bedroom with Jungkook on his heels. 

“Hyung, please don’t,” Jungkook begs, hovering just outside Seokjin’s door, but Namjoon doesn’t listen. 

“This stops now,” Namjoon says. Seokjin has only seen Namjoon this angry on a handful of occasions. 

Seokjin just looks at him, sat up in bed like a little kid. Namjoon’s face is bright red. He was probably drinking with his friends. Seokjin has no idea what time it is. Seokjin could ask what this is and how it’s anything to do with him now that he’s apologised to Jungkook. He did what Namjoon said. 

“We’re gonna have a dorm meeting and sort this out. Get up,” Namjoon says before he’s leaving the room and slamming the dorm behind him. 

Seokjin swallows, finding a lump in his throat. He’s not about to cry over something this trivial but—

He hears Namjoon continue his rampage around the dorm, going from room to room to wake the rest of the members. He wonders if Jungkook is following him like a little lost puppy. Part of Seokjin can’t believe Jungkook actually told on him, but another part of him doesn’t expect anything less. 

There’s a, “What’s he done now,” from Yoongi and a, “I’m going to kill him,” that can only be Jimin. It’s followed by, “It’s okay, baby,” that lets Seokjin know Jungkook is probably crying again. 

He reaches for his phone and finds it to be just past 1am. A ridiculous time for a dorm meeting but somehow he doesn’t think Namjoon will let him get out of his one. 

They’re going to talk about it. They’re going to have to over Jungkook’s humiliating love confession and Seokjin’s admittedly weak apology and then what else is there to say? Does Seokjin have to apologise again? He can do that. They won’t be happy with it but he can do it.

Seokjin forces himself to roll his eyes even if no-one can see it. He feels sick again, like he did when Jungkook confessed to him in the first place. He gets out of bed and toes on his RJ slippers, clutching onto his phone like a lifeline as he heads out to face to fire. 

He’s the last to arrive since Namjoon did such an efficient job of waking everyone else up. The meeting is in the living room this time, a pleasant departure from the kitchen table talks he’s gotten so used to. 

Jungkook is sat between Jimin and Taehyung looking rather sorry for himself. He’s curled up against Jimin’s side while Jimin strokes his hair and glares daggers at Seokjin. 

They look like the physical embodiment of the don’t ever talk to me or my son again meme and Seokjin has to bite his lip to stop himself laughing. The only available seat is the pouf that’s been pushed out a few feet from the couch. When he takes his seat he’s facing the rest of the members like he’s on trial for his sins of not being in love with Jungkook.

Namjoon is sat in the armchair, manspreading aggressively with his elbows on his thighs. Yoongi and Hoseok are on the couch. Yoongi looks half asleep while Hoseok just looks fed up. 

“I think we can all agree this has gone on long enough,” Namjoon begins. Seokjin doesn’t know what he’s talking about, honestly. This doesn’t concern any of them but Jungkook and himself. If Jungkook has dragged the rest of them into it then that’s not his problem. 

“I just wish that after all we’ve been through as a team you could bring himself yourself to give a shit when you hurt someone,” Namjoon is speaking directly to Seokjin this time. He doesn’t chose his words so carefully this time around. 

“Joon-ah,” Yoongi warns. 

Namjoon takes a deep breath. Seokjin’s stomach coils. He does care about Jungkook, more than he cares about most people. Namjoon should know that it doesn’t apply when he’s being a brat. 

“I just don’t understand how this happened,” Namjoon says a bit more diplomatically this time.

“I do.”

“Jimin,” Hoseok snaps. It doesn’t deter Jimin. 

“He doesn’t fucking care because he doesn’t know what it’s like to love someone,” Jimin spits.

“Please, hyung,” Jungkook says. He looks so tired, eyes still red rimmed from crying. 

In the past when there was conflict in the group they’d come together like this as seven to talk over the issue and find a resolution. In recent years they’ve taken to shoving whoever has the problem together until they kiss and make up. 

Seokjin not kissing Jungkook is the real problem here. It might’ve been easier to pretend he’s in love with the kid at this rate. 

Jimin isn’t even wrong, really. Seokjin doesn’t know what it’s like to love someone but it’s not like Jimin does either. Sure, he loves his members and his friends but it’s not love love. The only one of them in a relationship is Yoongi and he never mentions his girlfriend unless someone asks about her. 

What do the rest of them know about love anyway? Who are they to dictate how Seokjin feels? They sing songs about it sometimes and write lyrics but that’s just fiction, it’s not real. It’s not Seokjin’s fault he never got to fall in love. Not that he wants to anyway, this whole thing is stupid. He wants to go back to bed.

“Hyung, maybe you should explain your side of things,” Hoseok says. 

Seokjin doesn’t know what to say. None of them care, they’re not going to change their minds just because it’s Seokjin telling the story and not Jungkook. Namjoon quoted him verbatim, he knows what happened. 

“There’s nothing to say,” Seokjin says with a shrug. 

“Do you not care that you’ve upset Jungkook?” Namjoon asks.

“Of course I care, but I don’t see why it’s my fault he’s so upset.” He knows the words are a mistake before they’ve even left his mouth, but he’s losing his patience. 

Seokjin tries not to get involved with group conflicts. He doesn’t like having to talk about such things or share his feelings. He has no problem admitting when he’s done something wrong but he hasn’t done anything wrong. Jungkook is selfish for wanting more than he can have. 

“You broke his heart,” Jimin all but yells. Jungkook has given in trying to clam him down and is hiding behind Taehyung instead, face pressed into his side. 

“I didn’t break his heart, he’s 21 for Christ’s sake,” Seokjin argues back. 

“What does that even mean ?” Jimin shrieks. 

Seokjin is about to reply when Hoseok shouts over both of them.  “That’s enough!” 

He knows he’s in trouble when Hoseok has to shout. Namjoon is usually forced to moderate but right now Namjoon is just as furious as Jimin and probably a little drunk.

“Is this really going be the thing that tears up apart? A stupid fucking love confession?” Hoseok stalls and turns to Jungkook to clarify, “Not that I think it was stupid, Kook-ah.” It’s overly dramatic but it’s Hoseok. Seokjin just looks down at his hands in his lap and feels so small. I’m not the one causing the problem he wants to say. 

“Can you just apologise and fucking mean it?” Hoseok says. 

“Whats the point of him apologising if he doesn’t understand what he’s done?” Jimin chimes in. No one shushes him this time. 

“Getting rejected is horrible,” Yoongi begins as if Seokjin didn’t already know. “ Especially if its by someone you care about and it doesn’t matter what your personal opinions are if you’ve hurt someone. Lets put this to rest already.”

Seokjin wants this to be over so badly. He wants to be able to talk to Jungkook without Jungkook looking like he’s about to burst into tears, he wants to make his members laugh again and forget about this whole ordeal. There’s only one way to do that. He’s puts his acting to the test when he says, “Jungkook, look at me.”

Jungkook pulls away from Taehyung. He looks so utterly miserable as he meets Seokjin’s eye. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I mean it,” he says. He hopes it’s enough for all of them.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jungkook says, voice quiet and soft. 

“Okay, time for bed,” Yoongi says. He’s up and out of the room before anyone else moves. 

“Stay with us tonight, yeah?” Jimin says as he stands and holds a hand out for Jungkook. Jungkook takes it and lets Jimin lead him to bed with Hoseok following them. Taehyung hasn’t said anything all night, just gives Seokjin a wary look on his way out. Seokjin takes it. 

Then it’s just him and Namjoon. Namjoon looks how Seokjin feels. Like shit. 

“I wish it didn’t have to be like this, hyung,” Namjoon says. Seokjin can tell he means it. Whatever, it’s over now. 

...

They go to America. Seokjin would be lying if he said things weren’t still a bit tense but the mood in the dorm isn’t nearly as dire as it was a few days ago. Jimin is still sparky as ever and Namjoon still looks vaguely disappointed whenever their eyes meet but it’s getting better but only because it couldn’t get worse.

Jungkook seems perfectly happy when Seokjin isn’t talking to him and that’s fine. As long as he’s happy. Seokjin tries not to be bitter that Jungkook still fumbles around him. 

He misses how they used to be, how free it all felt. He misses how Jungkook would tease him like he wasn’t five years younger and how he liked to throw his weight around just because. He misses those smiles Jungkook reserved for him without meaning to — too toothy, nose scrunched up like a little bunny. He can’t remember the last time he saw Jungkook smile like that. He wonders if they’ll ever get back to normal. 

No one says it out loud but everyone is thankful for their separate hotel rooms. It’s the only real alone time they get. 

When they retire to their rooms after their long day’s schedule they don’t have to see each other until the next morning. There’s no awkward shuffling in the kitchen or running into each other on the way to the bathroom at midnight or can you order some for me too, hyung?

Seokjin values his privacy. Their first night in the states, he sets up his gaming rig — essential items no matter what Hoseok says — and spends the night playing games in the dark without anyone to bother him. It’s not quite as satisfying as he hoped for, but he stubbornly stays up too late anyway.

By the second night, he’s restless. He takes his time getting dressed up and heads out without telling his members. He lets management know his plans and they sort out his escort for the evening because he has to be chaperoned everywhere like a child when they travel.

Sometimes he considers slipping away from them. It wouldn’t be especially difficult. But that thought only lasts until he remembers the terrifyingly real possibility of getting lost in a foreign country.

Manager Sejin tags along this time with a security guard Seokjin hasn’t bothered to learn the name of. He’s only with them while they’re in America and Seokjin can only care so much. He drags them to a fancy bar he frequents when they’re in the area. It’s classy. Seokjin likes classy for a handful of nights every year. 

No one recognises him, which is ideal. Sejin and the bodyguard hang back and do whatever they do while Seokjin seats himself at the bar and orders a glass of wine. He surveys the bar. It’s busy this time of night, plenty of people looking for the same thing he is. 

Seokjin enjoys his wine, waits for someone to approach him first. With his limited English picking up dates can be tricky. He looks smooth until he’s fumbling over pronunciation trying to introduce himself. If they come to him it’s different, the same risk of rejection just isn’t there. Hookups are easier backstage at music shows than they are at fancy bars, but he makes do. 

Seokjin knows he’s attractive, knows he’s good in bed, knows he can give off the illusion of being cool and confident long enough to get someone into said bed. 

He likes to tell people he’s an actor, since no one knows he’s a K-Pop idol and it’s much less embarrassing to explain. Sometimes he just goes with musician, sometimes he makes something up on the spot. It’s not like these people give a shit either way, they spin him the same tales. Small talk just acts as foreplay. 

It’s a woman that approaches him first. Seokjin isn’t picky about gender, he just wants to get laid. He watches as she takes the seat next to him without acknowledging him, long, dark legs crossing at the knee as she snaps her fingers for the bartender’s attention. Seokjin should find that rude, but he doesn’t need to care about his one night stand’s politeness. Instead he watches as her thin braids fall over her shoulder, long enough to brush the strip of skin at her waist that her dress exposes. 

She orders a cocktail in heavily accented English and turns to find Seokjin looking at her. She flashes him a smile and extends a hand in greeting and it’s less than an hour before he’s leading her through the hotel halls. 

The language barrier got in the way quickly, his English only carrying him so far when he realised she knew about as much as he did. He gathered that she was French, visiting America for business. It felt like an equal playing field for once. 

She seemed impressed at the bodyguard, a little less impressed he was being chaperoned by his manager. He told her he was an actor and when she asked if he’d been in anything she would know he shrugged and said only Korean movies. 

Seokjin is fumbling for his keycard when he hears laughter from around the corner. A man’s voice says, “I can’t wait to be inside you,” far too loudly. Seokjin grimaces and turns to his date who doesn’t seem to have heard. “Be quiet,” the other man replies with a sickly giggle on the end. It sounds an awful lot like— 

Jungkook rounds the corner, holding a man’s hand. He freezes as soon as his eyes land on Seokjin. Just stops dead in his tracks in a way that should be comical, eyes wide and scared.

Seokjin also freezes, but only for a second before he pulls himself together and smirks.

“Hey, JK,” Seokjin says in English, abandoning the search for his keycard. Jungkook’s date looks between him and Seokjin, brow furrowed like he’s trying to figure out how they know each other. 

“Hyung,” is all Jungkook responds, not in English, obviously. 

“I’m glad you’re getting over me,” Seokjin says with a smirk. Jungkook’s date just looks more confused. Seokjin’s date lingers behind him, probably just as confused. 

Jungkook frowns but says, “Yeah.”

They haven’t spoken much since and when they do it’s undeniably uncomfortable. Seokjin tries not to let it get to him. He maintains the smile and gets through the conversation. 

Seeing Jungkook with another man doesn’t bother him. He’s glad Jungkook is getting the dick he deserves. He just— it was only a week ago when Jungkook was kicking up such a big stink about Seokjin not loving him back and now he’s picking up the first man he sees in America. 

“Is he an actor?” Seokjin’s date asks. Distantly, he wishes he could remember her name but he won’t suppose he’ll ever need it. 

“Yes, he’s a friend,” Seokjin replies. She offers Jungkook a smile, polite but bored.

“Are we gonna?” Jungkook’s date asks, jabbing a meaty finger down the hall.

“Yeah. Sorry, lets go,” Jungkook says, offering a weak smile to Seokjin’s date as he passes them on his way to his room. 

“At least now you know you were never really in love with me,” Seokjin calls after him. 

Jungkook snatches his hand away from his date as he turns to face Seokjin. 

“What?” he snaps.

“If you were really in love with me you wouldn’t sleep with that guy,” Seokjin says with a shrug. 

He’s not sure what he’s going for by saying that, or what reaction he expects Jungkook to give, but he’s not expecting Jungkook to bite out, “Why are you doing this to me?” 

Seokjin blinks at him.

“I get it, you don’t like me back and that’s fine, but what I don’t get is why you insist on humiliating me,” Jungkook says. “All I wanted was to get over you and you’ve dragged it out for weeks.”

He’s been so mopey and pathetic since that night in the kitchen and now here he is looking too big for his britches, making a scene in the middle of a hotel hallway.

Seokjin’s cheeks burn as he struggles to find a response. It’s not his fault things have been dragged on so long. It’s Namjoon that forced him to apologise and it’s Jungkook that hasn’t been speaking to him. If he’s been having such a problem, then he could’ve come to Seokjin instead of expecting him to mind read. Instead of saying any of that, Seokjin just says, “Don’t talk to your hyung like that.”

Jungkook’s eyes are wild as he replies, “Can you not right now? It’s not like I even expected you to love me back, I just thought you should know but I didn’t think you’d be so horrible about it.”

“I’m not horrible,” Seokjin huffs.

“You are!” Jungkook yells. “I just wanted you to care about how much you hurt me, even a little bit! We’ve been so close for years. And as soon as I fuck up, you just treat me like shit.”

Seokjin thinks Jungkook might start to cry again if he weren’t so angry. He flounders for anything to say that isn’t a joke. He should tell Jungkook he didn’t fuck up by telling Seokjin he was in love with him but honestly Seokjin doesn’t even believe that. He should ask how Jungkook thinks Seokjin doesn’t care; he should know by now Seokjin struggles with this kind of thing,

“Ah, Jin, I should go,” his date says, not waiting for a reply as she brushes past all three of them and heads for the elevator. 

Jungkook’s date just stands there, tall and dumb, watching Jungkook yell in a language he doesn’t understand. 

“Why don’t you get it? You hurt me and you don’t care, you fucking—” Jungkook cuts himself off. Seokjin swallows hard, waits for it to be over. 

“Is everything alright, John?” the dates asks, laying a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder. Seokjin wonders what name Jungkook gave him. If the guy is butchering his actual name or if Jungkook goes around calling himself John in the states. It doesn’t matter. He wants the man gone as if that’ll improve the situation. Getting yelled at is bad enough without it being in the presence of a stranger. At least he’ll never see the man again. 

Jungkook ignores him as he plows on, jerking away from the hand on his shoulder.

“And I’m allowed to sleep with whoever I want, regardless of how I feel about you. I want to have a good time and feel wanted even though I still feel like shit being around you knowing you don’t want me. You won’t even let me have that.”

“You can sleep with whoever you want,” Seokjin says, unsure of what else. Jungkook doesn’t want his validation, just wants to be angry.

“I know! And you don’t get to make me feel bad about it,” Jungkook shouts. He takes a shaky breath, crosses his arms over his chest and waits for Seokjin to have something to say.

Seokjin has always pushed his luck a bit for comedic affect once or twice, mostly because what else? It backfires sometimes, he’s used to that too. He’s pushed it too far with Jungkook before and had to apologise. He can do that, he can kiss and makeup over the trivial problems he causes. He’s said he’s sorry this time and still gets this. Jungkook humiliating him in public, in front of a stranger, airing their problems loud enough for the guy at the front desk to hear. 

“I’m not the one that dragged everyone else into it,” Seokjin says. 

“I didn’t want any of this! I didn’t want them to force you to say sorry, you should care enough about me to do that yourself,” Jungkook shouts. 

“I do care,” Seokjin argues. His throat is tight, face hot. He wants to be anywhere else. And he could just find his keycard and retreat to his room. He could wake up in the morning and pretend this never happened and let this stupid feud continue. 

“You don’t!” Jungkook yells, high pitched and frantic. “You could’ve just said sorry and let me get over you but instead you’ve dragged it out for weeks because you’re selfish. You’re so wrapped up on your emotional baggage you can’t think about anyone else.”

Seokjin opens his mouth only to snap it shut. 

“Come on,” Jungkook says to his date in English. He grabs his hand and walks away, down the hall to his room. The date just follows him like Jungkook hadn’t just been screaming at Seokjin. He stands in the middle of the hall and watches them go, watches as Jungkook finds his keycard and swipes them in and tries not to think about the angry sex they’re about to have.

He briefly considers texting Namjoon to let him know how Jungkook’s just spoken to him although Namjoon would probably side with Jungkook anyway. He stands in the hotel hall and fumes, whole body hot with embarrassment. He doesn’t know what to do with himself.

It takes a ridiculously long time before he gathers himself together enough to turn on his feel and storm back to his own hotel room. 

The words emotional baggage swarm his brain. Jungkook might know more about him than anyone else. When they’re alone together and are a little drunk it’s easy to tell Jungkook things he won’t tell anyone else. Jungkook listens well, doesn’t judge. Well, Seokjin thought he didn’t judge. 

Seokjin regrets telling him anything now.

...

The next night Seokjin goes to Yoongi’s room. Earlier that day at rehearsals Jungkook acted like nothing had happened. Sure, he’d been a little more flouncy than usual but he assured everyone he was just tired. Seokjin played along, tried not to grumble too much.

Yoongi doesn’t like company but lets Seokjin in anyway. He has the usual audio equipment set up on his desk, more stuff than Seokjin lugs with him, but more useful he supposes.

Seokjin sits on one of the armchairs that surround a little table with a fruit bowl on it, identical to the one in his room. He eyes Yoongi as he retakes his seat at the desk, placing his headphones over one ear politely. It’s as much attention as Seokjin can ask for.

“How’s the girlfriend?” Seokjin asks. He slumps back in the chair, spreads his thighs comfortably.

“Good,” Yoongi replies, starting to tinker with his equipment. “Busy.”

“She’s always busy,” Seokjin says.

Yoongi shrugs. “So are we.”

“Must be hard,” Seokjin murmurs. 

Yoongi turns to him, brow furrowed. “Are you here for a reason?” 

Truthfully, Seokjin doesn’t know why he’s here. Their performance is tomorrow and he should be resting. What Jungkook said to him last night won’t leave his mind. It’s not like he’s about to tell Yoongi but—

Seokjin shrugs this time. “Just to hang out.”

Yoongi shoots him an incredulous look. “You never want to just hang out.” 

“Why are you with her?” Seokjin asks, changing the subject.

The whole concept baffles him. The idea of just giving yourself to someone, letting them know every intimate detail about you. Yoongi already knows every intimate detail about him, he supposes. 

But one day he and Yoongi aren’t going to live together, aren’t going to see each other for weeks at a time. It’s inevitable, unlike any kind of romantic relationship. Those can just last forever, are even supposed to. The thought makes Seokjin panic. 

Yoongi looks at him gone out for a moment before he composes himself. He takes his headphones off and lays them on the desk, turning to Seokjin properly, elbow on his thigh, chin in his hand. “Why do you think?” he asks.

It’d be really easy to make a joke, but he stops himself. Yoongi wants an honest answer so he’ll get one. 

“I don’t know.”

“I love her,” Yoongi says, as if that’s a reason. He doesn’t comment on Seokjin’s response. 

There must’ve been a time when Yoongi didn’t love her. Seokjin can’t remember how he met her or how long ago it was. A year, maybe? When Yoongi had told them he was seeing someone Seokjin had laughed. The idea of dedicating your time to someone when they had so little of it free was absurd. 

“Love is for people with nothing better to do,” Seokjin says. 

“Do you really believe that?” Yoongi asks. Seokjin feels like he’s in therapy. Yoongi must be doing this deliberately. 

“What does that mean?” Seokjin bristles.

“That I have nothing better to do?” 

“No.”

“So you’re saying I don’t love my girlfriend?” It’s not accusatory like it should be. He just sounds like he’s trying to get to the bottom of what Seokjin really means. Seokjin doesn’t put up a fight, answers honestly. 

“You barely see her,” he reasons. He thinks about it sometimes. Yoongi doesn’t talk about his girlfriend often, basically never unless someone asks about her. There are nights when Yoongi sneaks out of the dorm without telling anyone to go and visit her. She’s been to the dorm a couple of times, and to the studio. She’s nice, Seokjin thinks. 

“Is this about Jungkook?” Yoongi asks, shifting the subject away from his relationship. 

Seokjin stomach turns. He tries not to let it show. “No.”

“Did you really just come here to ask about my girlfriend?” Yoongi asks. 

“Maybe,” is all Seokjin replies. There’s more he wants to say. Yoongi looks at him with tired eyes, like there’s more he wants to say as well but doesn’t know. It’s the first time they’ve really spoken since the thing with Jungkook happened. He doesn’t know Yoongi feels about the whole thing, how he feels about them falling apart so easily.

“We have a long day tomorrow, hyung,” Yoongi says. He doesn’t move to turn back to his work, just watches Seokjin with a steady gaze. 

He wishes it were easier than this. He could tell Yoongi anything and Yoongi would listen, he already knows. He could talk to any of them — even Jimin, if he approached him with his tail between his legs. Even Jungkook, if he apologised sincerely enough. 

But he’s just not one of those people. He tells himself he doesn’t need it — the talking and the comfort and the exploration of feelings. Truthfully, he feels like that most of the time. 

Now, he feels lost. He should go back to his hotel room like Yoongi is suggesting. 

“It’s a genuine question,” he stays instead, standing his ground. It wasn’t his intention to come here and quiz Yoongi about his relationship. It’s not like he wants to make Yoongi doubt himself, put his own insecurities on his friend. Yoongi seems happy with her more than anything else, even if he struggles during their time apart sometimes. 

“If I love my girlfriend?” Yoongi clarifies. 

Seokjin feels the annoyance creep in, or maybe it’s anxiety. He can’t tell the difference. “No,” he says, shifting in his seat, sitting up. “I know you love her but I don’t get why and I don’t mean because she’s not good enough, I just I don’t understand why you’d put yourself through everything just to be with someone.”

Yoongi looks at him with something akin to pity. He takes a deep breath, thinks of an answer. 

“I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not. But it’s not torture. We may only see each other a couple of times a month but when we do it makes the time apart worth it. One day it won’t have to be a secret anymore, and I hold onto that,” Yoongi explains. 

Seokjin struggles to understand. Maybe it’s because he’s never experienced it but he can’t wrap his head around the concept. For Yoongi to cause himself deliberate pain for the chance at a future. And it’s not like having a girlfriend would be career-ending for any of them at this point, but it would be difficult to work through it getting out. There’s so much risk and so little reward. 

“Have you ever thought about therapy?” Yoongi asks, his voice is softer now. He knows Seokjin isn’t making him defend his relationship, that there’s nothing to prove.

“What?”

They’ve all seen therapists before, some more resistant than others. Management insists it’s good for them, although Seokjin never understood the appeal of lying to a stranger for an hour straight. Some of them still see therapists regularly. He knows Yoongi does. 

“It’s good for you,” Yoongi says, doing his best unintentional impression of manager Sejin. “Talking isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. I think you’d benefit from it.”

Seokjin wonders if Yoongi has been thinking about this for a while or if what happened with Jungkook gave him the idea. 

For once, Seokjin doesn’t dismiss it outright. It’d be easy to — so easy to tell Yoongi that he doesn’t need it. Part of him is still certain he doesn’t. It’s not that Seokjin thinks therapy is for broken people — not when most of his friends take part in it — it’s just. What would he even talk about with a therapist? 

“I can send you some numbers,” Yoongi says when Seokjin doesn’t reply for long enough. 

Seokjin looks at his hands. 

“Do you think things will go back to normal with Jungkook?” he asks. He’ll ask for the numbers later. It can’t hurt. He’s never gotten anything out of therapy before, but then again he’s never tried to. 

He could talk about Jungkook. About how he felt like he was going to vomit when Jungkook looked at him with hurt and confusion after Seokjin rejected him — how he screamed at Seokjin and Seokjin couldn’t even reply.

“Depends,” Yoongi hums. “Do you understand what you did wrong yet?”

“Not really,” he replies, thinks for a moment, then adds, “Maybe.” 

Yoongi sighs through his nose. He’s biting back a comment, Seokjin can tell. 

“Try and put yourself in Jungkook’s shoes. You’re his first love and you were an asshole,” Yoongi says, blunt as ever.

“He said I was selfish. Not sure why he’s surprised, really,” Seokjin huffs. 

“Just because you acknowledge you have bad traits doesn’t mean you don’t have to work on them,” Yoongi says. Seokjin snorts. He knows. 

“I hate this,” he says after a long silence. 

“I know,” Yoongi replies. “Think about therapy, okay?”

...

Yoongi doesn’t say anything when Seokjin’s texts him the next morning to ask for those numbers even though they’re sat next to each other on a couch in the dressing room. He just sends them without looking up from his phone as if the message was ready in his drafts. 

Seokjin vows to himself to make the call the moment he gets back to his bedroom in Korea. He can do a little research on the flight back — maybe even ask Yoongi for some advice. He takes a steady breath as he saves the numbers into his phone.  

The performance goes well. It could have gotten better, but it could always be better. His vocals could’ve been stronger, his dancing sharper. Seokjin doesn’t dwell as much on his shortcomings as the others. 

No one is banging on his hotel room door that night or sending him nasty Kakao messages, so he assumes his altercation with Jungkook did truly go unnoticed. It also means Jungkook probably didn’t tell anyone. Seokjin wonders if it’s eating Jungkook up inside like it’s eating Seokjin. 

The image of Jungkook’s face won’t leave him alone. How furious he’d been but how upset beneath it all. 

As he lays in bed on their final night in America, he tries to put himself in Jungkook’s shoes like Yoongi suggested. It doesn’t get him very far. Seokjin can’t imagine what it’s like to be in love at all. Perhaps that’s not a bad thing — he doesn’t have to love people. He can tell his friends that he loves them, but when it comes down to it he’s not sure what that even means. 

He always pictured love as a distinct feeling. Something you would know, not something you’d have to put effort into figuring out. He wonders how Yoongi knew he was in love with his girlfriend — how Jungkook knew he was in love with him. If he really is in love (or ever was) or if he’s just been around Seokjin for too long. 

There’s more to it than that, though, he reminds himself. This isn’t about Jungkook being in love with him, it’s about how Seokjin treated him. 

Seokjin could’ve handled it better, he’ll admit that much. I just thought you should know, Jungkook told him. Whatever lead him to that decision, Seokjin has no idea. Perhaps he just wanted to share the burden, or maybe one of the other members told him it was the right thing to do. Seokjin doesn’t think he should have to shoulder the responsibility of knowing Jungkook loves him. 

That’s probably not the point either. He wishes it were simple. It could’ve been from the start, he supposes, if he played it right. But they’re here now. Seokjin made his mistakes and he’s going to try and fix them.

...

True to his word, Seokjin makes the call when he gets back to the dorm. He locks for the door for good measure as he locates the correct number and calls it with shaking hands. It’s silly, that it has this much of an effect on him. 

He gives the lady on the phone his details, prays she doesn’t recognise him or make a comment if she does. Yoongi had promised they were discrete and had plenty of experience dealing with celebrities. She asks why he’d like therapy and his brain stalls as he tries to cobble together an answer. He’s flooded with relief when she assures him he doesn’t have to answer and then he’s scrolling through his calendar to find a free date for his first appointment. Seokjin thanks her when he hangs up.

And then it’s done. He’s going to therapy. 

His first instinct is to tell someone, but he realises there’s no one he particularly wants to tell. There’s one person he should, though. For a moment he swivels in his desk chair, stomach bubbling with nerves as he knows what he has to do next. 

It takes almost half an hour before he drags himself up and out of the room with a sigh. It’s now or never. Time to put this thing to rest once and for all.

He raps on Jungkook’s door and called, “JK, it’s hyung.” The whole thing feels terribly familiar.

“Come in,” Jungkook calls back, taking just long enough to answer that Seokjin considers turning around. 

Despite not having exchanged more than a couple of strained words since that night in the hallway, Jungkook still lets him in. He must still be angry with him, but he’s not petty. He’s not like Seokjin. Jungkook wants it to be over, too. He’s wanted that just as much as Seokjin, he realises now. 

Jungkook is curled up in his desk chair just like the last time Seokjin stopped by, only this time he’s not playing Minecraft. Seokjin doesn’t recognise the game. It doesn’t matter.

He closes the door behind himself, not wanting to be interrupted by any of the others. Jungkook watches him warily. Seokjin clears his throat as he turns to face Jungkook and does his best to appear composed. 

“I’m going to therapy,” he says. “Don’t tell Yoongi, he’ll only be smug.”

“Oh,” Jungkook says. His face softens, as if he was bracing himself for something worse before. “I’m happy for you.” 

Seokjin can tell he means it. “Thanks,” he says, hovering by the door. It’d be easy to escape back to his own bedroom. He clears his throat again, wishes this wasn’t so hard. There’s so much he could say, but he keeps it short to save himself the embarrassment. “I’m sorry. For rejecting you like I did. And for not being sorry sooner,” he says in a rush. 

If he’s really honest with himself, he still can’t connect all the dots. Part of him still wants to be annoyed with Jungkook. The petty urge to make Jungkook suffer for making him suffer is still there. Maybe that’s something he should mention in therapy. Maybe he should be making a list.

“Thank you, hyung, really,” Jungkook says and Seokjin can tell he means it. Then he smiles, small but genuine and Seokjin realises it’s the first time Jungkook has looked at him with anything other than resentment or misery for far too long.

“Let’s never let this happen again,” Seokjin says. 

Jungkook pulls his button lip between his teeth and nods carefully. “I still need time, if that’s okay. It feels fresh, you know?”

Even if he doesn’t understand, he nods.

“I can do time,” he says.