Work Text:
05.05.2019
„Give him time“
Matteo really wanted to do what Laura told him. Although it felt fucking wrong, he did everything to distract himself and to give David the space he needed.
11.5.2019
„Hey“
Jonas looked through the door and gave Matteo a worried look. Matteo lay on his bed and didn’t move.
Jonas lay down beside him and touched his shoulder gently.
„Why doesn’t he trust me?“, Matteo wispers.
„I don’t think, this is a thing of TRUST“, Jonas answered.
„He had an extra PE exam and didn’t tell me. He said, that I’m important to him, he said, he likes me … much … and than he is in town and doesn’t tell me?! I should have called him before, didn’t I? Or text him“
„No … it’s a big deal, that Neuhaus offered this extra exam … in another school, so that David didn’t have to enter our school again … with all the other examinants“
„and Sara and Leonie …“
„Yeah, PE exam is a team kinda thing, he couldn’t have done it on his own.“
„You don’t understand. THEY met him … and I …“
„Yeah, but he has a crush on you. Do you think he would have been able to do this exam while you watching him?!“
„Fuck the exam – I want to SEE him!“
„I known, bro, and I understand, but he isn’t able to deal with all the shit.“
„Did he say that?“
„To Sara … yes“
Matteo closed his eyes.
„Leave me alone, please!“
„Luigi, I’m afraid that you sink again after you got up a little lately. Please call me. We are there for you, you know?!“
„I know and that’s why I won’t sink again, I promise.“
11.05.2019 20.33 Uhr
Voice message
„Congratulations on passing the exam. Where are you and why don’t you talk to me. I like you too, David, much … very much … I wanted to tell you face to face … and much more. Please call me. PLEASE”
13.05.2019 21.45 Uhr
Voice message
„Dear Matteo, I was serious, when I said, I like you. I like you that much, that I can’t take you with me, down in all the shit. You have a lot of own things to cope with, you shouldn’t take mine, too. I’m really sorry, I wish, it would have been different. I wish it every day, but … I don’t come back to Berlin I have to solve things … a lot to clarify with myself … that won’t be fair. I like you, I like you a LOT, and that’s why I set you free.“
13.05.2019 23.52 Uhr
Voice message … drunk
„Set me free? SET ME FREE? Fuck you, dude, FUCK YOU!“
14.05. 2019 11.23 Uhr
Text message
„Dear David, I know it’s to late to delete my message, you allready listend to it. What I wanted to say was: I don’t want do be released. Perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough: I LOVE YOU, DAVID!
And I won’t stop, just because you think it would be easier. I will go on until you tell me, you don’t want my love. Creepy? I don’t care. Clarify whatever you need to clarify. Hide, while you think the natural desaster is out there. But when you come back, I’m still there. You know where you can find me. Yours Matteo“
22.05.2019
text message
„You asked Laura, how I am? I’m fine. I know Jonas told you too. Works in both directions, you see? I’m glad you post again. Your last drawing was dark, but good.“
15.06.2019
Text massage
„Congratulations on passing the abitur. I had to do spanish again, but I think you know already. The party was cool as you saw on instagram. I hoped that you will be there till the end. Miss you.”
22.06.2019
Text message
„Here are some pictures of me and the boys at the beach. Happy holiday.“
27.07.2019
Voice message
„Laura called me. You are doing a filming workshop? How cool is that?! Your drawings are getting brighter too, I like. Is it because you do therapy again? I’m good. Most oft he time, I’m really good. But if not, I’m so deep down … do you think therapy would be something for me too?! I think about it.“
18.09.2019
Text message
„Had the first day of therapy today. I think it was good. I talked a lot about you … and my parents and stuff.“
20.10.2019
Text message
„As Jonas told you, I’m not good at the moment. Rain and darkness are fucking me, but not as bad as it did before. Therapy helps a lot. Miss you“
24.12.2019
Textnachricht
„Merry christmas and have a good time at your godmoms house“
01.01.2020 01.02 Uhr
Text
„Dear David, I hope your new year will be better than the old one. I like you drawings. They light up more and more. I miss you much, and just in the case you think, I’ll take it back or change my mind: I love you, David, in 2020 too. Yours Matteo.“
01.01.2020 11.35 Uhr
What was that noise?
Someone was calling.
At this time … at this day … who the f…
„Yeah?!“, Matteo growled.
„Oh, hi, did I wake you? I’m sorry, I didn’t …“
„David? DAVID!“
Matteo got up and leaned against the wall behind his bed.
„I can call later …“
„What? NO … no,, just give me a second. Just a sip of water, ok. Please don’t hang up. Promise!“
„I promise!“
Matteo grabbed his bottle and drank.
„Happy new year!“, he said.
„Happy new year. Had a big party?“
„As usual … here with all of … them … it was … good“
„Headache?“
„No … just tired … but … I’m happy you call.“
„I wanted to wish you a happy new year and well, isn’t this the time to make plans and start new things?I thought I could call and just say ‚hello‘ “
„This is a good plan. I like to hear your voice.“
„Yeah, I like the plan, too. You see, a lot is changing here at this time and some other things will and … I will come back to Berlin … not now, there some things left, but soon … and …“
„You know, where you can finde me“
„Right … I know … but I thought we could … phone sometimes“
„I would love it“
„And perhaps … videochat, too … when … when my hair doesn’t look like a bird nest?“
Matteo laughed. „Now I’m curious.“
„Belive me, you don’t want to see that.“
„I want“, Matteo wispers, „I’d like to see it every morning.“
David remained silent.
„Sorry, I didn’t want to push. I just wanted to let you know, where I stand …still do …“
„Good to know“
Matteo smiled happily.
„I’ll call you the next day, OK?“, David asked.
„I’d like it.“
Matteo hung up and shook his head. What a start in 2020.
His phone buzzed.
He looked at it with a big smile.
David sent him a photo with messy hair.
Matteo took a selfie and sent it back.
14.01.2019 15.07 Uhr
Matteo smiled when he entered the cafe ans saw, that he was expected.
„Hey“, he said and gave Sara a big hug, before he sat down.
Sara had become a good friend in the past month. It took a long and deep talk and some awkward mettings until it wasn’t strange anymore to sit together – just the two of them – but after that they talked and met regularly. She was his biggest fighter, when he was about to give up the thing with David – well, perhaps not that big as Hans and Jonas, but nearly.
„I ordered a cappuccino for you, too“
„Thanks“
„And I think, I need waffle … with icecream, cherries AND cream!“
„Good choice, I will take that, too“
After they got their cappuccino and ordered the waffles, Sara looked at Matteo.
„Aaaand, how are you.“
Matteo smiled.
„I know, that Leonie talks o David … and to you … so I know, you know, what’s going on.“
„Yeah, but … how do you feel.“
Matteo gave her a big smile and Sara smiled back.
„THAT good … ok“
„We talked a lot the last days. Most oft he time with video and … it klicked, you know? It was like all the time before, like natural at once. But he will be busy the nexts days and we can’T talk. But he will be here in somme weeks.“
„Sounds cool“
„And you? What about Phil?“
Sara shook her head.
„Do you have a photo?“
Sara took her phone and opened instagram to show Matteo a photo.
„Niiiice“, he said.
She looked on her phone.
„David posted a drawing“, she said.
Matteo looked at his phone and saw the drawing, that was uploaded some minutes before.
It was a pancil drawing of a head and upper body, that pretty sure should be Davids.
The upper body was wrapped in chains, which were nearly bursting. Underneath the chains there was a deep red heart that was shining through.
Sara squeaked.
„Oh my god“, she cried, „does it mean … did he …“
Matteo lay down his phone.
„Did he really spend the day in a hospital, telling me he is BUSY?! To keep this secret?!“
He was fucking disappionted.
„Looks like that“, Sara answered.
„But why?!“
Sara shrug her shoulders.
„If I am his boyfriend … and I somehow thought I was in some way … why doesn’t he want me to be with him now? Why am I not at his side?!“
Sara looked at her phone again.
„Leonie didn’t know, she is thrilled too.“
„Doesn’t help me“
„OK, listen, I somehow understand him.“
„You do?“
„Yes … like … he has a crush on you. He runs away, cause he can’t cope what’s happening between you two … he wants to meet you again, when there is nothing more between you two.“
„But THIS is between us now.“
„If you make it to – yes. I understand that it feels like a crack in trust but for him it’s like THE last step, he hast o go on his own, before he dares to give you two a go.“
„OK“
„No pressure, talk about it later, but now … be nice!“
Matteo nodded and texted David.
„OK?“, he asked, when he showed Sara what he wrote.
„I’m happy for you and hope we can phone soon.“
„Happy“, she answered.
01.02.2020 01.30 Uhr
Matteo got up with a sigh.
He couldn’t sleep. Tomorrow … no, today, David will come back to Berlin. His train will arrive at 10 in to morming. David will go home, to leave his stuff there and have breakfast with his sister, and after that … after that he will be here.
So – how should he sleep with knowing, David will be here in under 12 hours.
The first phone call after Davids surgery had been strange until Matteo admitted that he was really hurt. After that they talked for a long time and although Matteo doesn’t fully understand or like David’s tendency to do things on his own, he also knows, that he never will fully get, what disphoria is about.
He felt really grown up, after they went through it together and they talked better and deeper than before.
Thinking about being open … Matteo took his phone to write David.
„Can’t sleep, cause I’m excited <3“
He could see, that David saw the message at once, he wasn’t awake alone. David aswered soon.
„This is kinda good, cause it could be that I decided something on my own again.“
„???“
„It could be that I couldn’t sleep and took the night train.“
„Really?“
„Will be in Berlin at 2. Can I come to yours?“
„Sure – text me, when you are here, so we don’t wake up the rest“
Matteo rushed down the stairs to help David with one oft he two bags he carried upstairs.
When they arrived his room and closed the door, David lay dowan his bad.
„Naaa“, he said and huged Matteo.
„Missed you“, he wispered.
„Missed you too“
„I wrote Laura that I won’t be there for breakfast but for dinner … together with you. Is that ok?“
„Sounds perfekt“
„Love you“, David wispered and gave Matteo a soft kiss.