Archive of Our Own ^beta

What would I have done better? I think there was a time where I

Hey.

Honestly, I don’t know how to start this, but I have nothing but this piece of paper now. Everything I built is now gone, so I guess that’s some sort of accomplishment. To have what I wanted the most and to see it disappear. How weird. I guess it didn’t matter what I wanted in the first place .

I think it doesn’t matter if I did my best. Looking back, I don’t think I fully understood what I wanted. What was it? It was so blurry. I thought I wanted power, maybe a bit of recognition. Maybe I wanted respect. Who cares, now? I know I don’t. Or maybe I am fooling myself again. Sheesh, I’m messed up, aren’t I? I really fucked it up, big time. I miss I want to make things right, but I don’t know how.

I wish you were here, Adora, I really do. Did you know that there was a chance I could change? Did you know how I could change? I’m at a loss, now. I’m tired. I just want to rest, but I can’t sleep anymore. I lost. Nothing can give me peace, now. I think I grew mad, or maybe I’m mad right now. Didn’t they say that crazies don’t know if they’re crazy? Huh, maybe I am not crazy because I’m thinking it over. Whatever, I’m wasting this paper, anyway.

It’s weird (I think I should look for better words, but you were the smarter one between the two of us. You and your ridiculous hair puff) that writing this can calm me down. Maybe that’s why Kyle kept that stupid diary even if we I kept stealing it and blackmailing the guy. Damn, Rogelio can be scary when pissed, the big softie. Anyway, it helps me collect my head. It’s just so, I don’t know, jumbled. I think I have a problem, but I really don’t know where to start.

You know, when I started writing this, I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t even know who this is addressed to. I think it’s pretty obvious with how I started this letter...? Honestly, I think it’s interesting that you’re the one that I think about. No, I don’t think it’s interesting. I think it’s ridiculous. Or maybe it’s just bizarre? I mean, it’s always you, you know? You who is superior in skill, you who was loved by favored by Shadow Weaver, you who I can’t get out of my head. You’re the one who figured shit out faster than I did, and when I saw you getting further ahead again it’s like you keep forgetting me.

When you chose the rebellion over the hoard, I thought you chose them over me. That’s not true, though. I mean, it’s not true that you chose them over me. But I also know that I hadn't thought of it like that. I was jealous. I think even with how much I loved love you (yeah, I’m going to burn this right after), I will still feel envious of you. But you don’t care about those things, do you? If we’re being honest, I think there’s a reason why you were so attached to that sparkly girl. She and I, we’re not so different. I think if I had better sense, I would have turned out like her. Better. We’re both selfish, but I guess if that selfishness turns out for the better good, nobody bats an eye for that, huh?

I shouldn’t have been surprised that you wanted to switch sides and be the hero. You tried to save the rebellion and me, but there’s just so much of you to spread even. But you were always the hero. I’m not a side-kick or anything. I don’t know what I am to you. I still don’t know, really. Maybe I’m a villain, now. But considering before, I lavished with how you pursued me, like you actually wanted me. Then I had just gone too far and there was no coming back. Even if a part of me misses you-- that nagging part of me, the annoying one-- told me to stop and just come to you. I think I know you would forget me. No, I thought you would choose your other friends over me. And mixed up with that clouded sense of pursuit for power

I guess you played hero at the wrong I was in the wrong mind at the wrong time. That’s not an excuse, though. It’s my reality and that reality killed the Queen. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Adora. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I manipulated and twisted your world. I’m no better than the people that fucked you over us over. I’m sorry I hurt sparkles Glimmer. And it didn’t fucking matter, anyway. Nothing did. Look at Etheria, look at us, look at me. It’s a clusterfuck. It’s a mess. We’re I’m a mess. I’m fucking tired, Adora, but I don’t think the dead lets me sleep.

And oh man, I had so many chances to change, you know? To be better . Scorpia as there, Entrapta was there. They were so good, so, so, good. I remember you in them. I know I said you were smart, but you were so dumb, too. You were smart with too big of a heart that it weighs down all that knowledge in your head. But then, add an increase of affection… I think the two of you would’ve been great friends, Adora. She’s so soft. You two aren’t so different. Hard headed, is what you both are. And fuck, I’m so sorry for Entrapta. I’m so fucking sorry. She was is so good, you know? She’s a good egg-- the best. I miss them. We were in the wrong side of the war, but we were together. And when I lost them-- even if it was me who did it-- fuck. I just want to disappear, to throw it all away. I’m so sick of it all, Adora. The world isn’t a beautiful place, it’s unfair. And maybe everything was meant to be for something. But look at everything I’ve done. I deserve no forgiveness. I don’t even deserve your pity. I’m just tired, Adora. I’m just so tired. I want to get out of here. I want to get out. It’s so hard. I want to sleep. I want peace. Help me. Please, I need help. Maybe I am mad. Fuck. Let me sleep damn it. I want to sleep. Please, Adora. I’m so tired. Please find me. I’m alone and I’m tired and I just want to curl up in that lumpy bunk bed. I want to snuggle under the blanket and think that the next morning is worth it with you. You and me, Adora. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I think that’s all I’ve ever wished for. We were at peace. We were in peace. I just want everything to stop. I got too caught up, and look where it got me. I was so fucking wrong.

Hey, Adora. I’m sorry about that. Don’t worry, though, I’ll do good by you. I’ll fix everything, I swear. Not just for you, but for everyone. But promise me, even if I burn this letter to its last piece, that you would find me. I’ll stay with you, now. You and me. Nothing really bad can happen as long we have each other. I promise.