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The first time Jim saw something flash on the viewscreen he would have sworn that his eyes were playing tricks on him. He looked around the bridge and no one else seemed to be disturbed at all so that helped confirm it. He drained the last of his coffee and took a few deep breaths to try and wake up. Staring at stars and planets flying by all day was really kind of boring sometimes and he'd finished all his paperwork an hour ago. Which meant that he was looking at the viewscreen again when something flashed across it a second time.
"Fascinating," Spock said, looking at the view screen in interest.
"You saw it too?" Jim asked, not yet ready to believe that he had actually seen, well, what he had seen.
"Indeed, Captain." Spock answered with an eyebrow raised. "However whatever practical joke someone is playing is without humour. I do not, as the screen tried to portray, have any parts of my anatomy that would be deemed female in nature."
Chekov and Sulu looked at each other, then struggled to contain their laughter. Which was when Uhura snapped, "Don't laugh too hard. Look."
The viewscreen now had yellow letters across it, flashing "Sulu and Chekov on the bridge, talking dirty to each other in foreign languages."
"I'm never talking on the bridge again," Sulu groaned.
"Kirk to Scotty."
"Already on it, Captain," Scotty answered. "We have absolutely no idea what's going on. All systems are reportedly working normally and there has been nothing in contact with the ship that could have caused it." Gaila's laughter echoed through the comm, making Jim whip his head back to the screen just in time to see the words "5 times Gaila and Girl!Kirk had fun sex adventures w/ the others and the 1 time it was just them."
Jim groaned. "Get it fixed, Scotty. NOW."
"Aye, Captain," he said, laughter at the new prompt echoing before silence greeted his ending the communication. The entire bridge crew at this point stood reading in horror. "Kirk/Spock/McCoy/Uhura/Chekov/Sulu/Scotty."
"Is that even possible," Chekov asked quietly after the shock eased.
"Yes, but not happening," Jim answered, voice firm. "Ever."
"Agreed," Uhura said, looking over at Spock. "Can't you think of anything to stop this?"
The screen kept going, this time showing, "Sarek demands Spock provide him with grandchildren. Spock, in a relationship with Jim, struggles to comply."
"Fascinating," Spock said as Jim groaned loudly in his chair. "I am never living this down, am I?"
Uhura laughed out, "Probably not," while pointing at the screen. "I didn't know you had it in you, Jim." The screen kept flashing "5 times Jim tried to ask Bones to marry him, only to have something go wrong."
"Fuck," Jim said. "If we're forced to sit through this so is he. McCoy to the bridge. Stat."
The answer came quickly, "McCoy here, what's going on?"
"Just get down here. Now." By now the screen was being just mean, flashing, "Kirk is unable to sustain an erection with anybody but his soulmate. If anyone but his one true love touches his dick, it wilts like butter in the sun." "The Enterprise hates me. That has to be the answer."
The turbolift opened and Bones stepped out, just in time to read, "Bones fucking Chekov while Chekov sucks Kirk's dick."
"Damnit Jim, what the fuck? Is this some kind of sick disgusting joke that you're playing?"
"Do I look like I'm laughing?" Jim snapped turning to look at Bones. "This has been going on for ten minutes now and since we are all suffering you are too. I'd pull Scotty and Gaila up here too but they're too busy trying to fix the damn-." Bones's face had gone pale and his eyes as big as that first day they'd met on the shuttle. Jim twirled his chair around just in time to read, "McCoy/Jim - D/s, BDSM, S&M, Master/slave, or whatever other very kinky shit you want to do. As long as it doesn't involve scat, I'll probably love it."
"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, "Are you well? You are exhibiting the symptoms of someone who is about to-" Bones fell to the floor. "-faint."
"Damn, and for once I was actually looking forward to him knocking me out with a hypospray," Jim admitted. The viewscreen continued its oddly instinctive torture, flashing, "Kirk/Bones Hypospray."