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Throughout his idol life, Jungkook had learned a lot of things. He had learned to ignore hate, scandals, rumours, obvious flirting from other idols. He had learned that it’s okay to step down and take a break, that it’s okay if all his goals aren’t achieved, he had learned that failure is okay. He had learned acceptance and growth.
But, Jungkook still— to this day hasn’t learnt how to share when it comes to Kim Taehyung.
Jungkook has indeed made his peace with the other members because they’re basically like family and also because they’ve made it clear that they’re not going to take Taehyung away from him.
So it’s fine.
It’s fine until it’s not.
They’re all resting in a room after practice. Namjoon is dozing in his chair with Seokjin seated beside him, fumbling with his phone. Yoongi has his laptop placed on his lap, tapping away— most likely writing lyrics or creating some beats. Jimin and Hoseok are watching something on Hoseok’s phone which will probably be their performance to single out mistakes in the choreography. Taehyung is sprawled across Jungkook’s lap blabbering about the posters and slogans he saw during the concert and Jungkook’s eyes are on him as he intently listens.
“Hey guys.” their manager greets, walking in, “I have to introduce you guys to someone. This is Haneul, he’s a new makeup artist and he’s going to work with us starting today.”
Haneul bows, “Hello. Please take care of me.” He says.
Seokjin nudges Namjoon who startles awake, “Oh what?”
When he realises that someone else is in the room, he immediately averts his gaze to them “He’s our new makeup artist—Haneul.” Seokjin supplies and Namjoon nods, he flashes the boy a smile before introducing himself and the other members.
Jungkook doesn’t fail to notice how Haneul’s eyes seem to sparkle when he looks at Taehyung. Jungkook’s lips curl into a small frown before he wraps his arm around Taehyung’s shoulder to pull him in, “Hi.” He greets flatly.
Haneul’s smile falters a little.
“Make us look pretty!” Taehyung chirps from beside him. Taehyung had always been kind. No one knows this better than Jungkook who’s hand Taehyung held the first day he moved into the dorms, a little shy and very awkward. Taehyung has always been a light in his life, brightening up even the smallest of darkest corners.
Haneul’s smile widens at Taehyung’s words, his cheeks flushed, “You already look pretty hyung.”
And that was it.
Jimin had gasped softly, noticing the obvious intent behind Haneul’s words. It may pass as an obvious praise but the way the boy’s eyes sparkled when he looked back at Taehyung had given it away that it wasn’t.
Taehyung had only laughed at that, a little red, clearly not knowing what to say further.
They mingled a little after that. The members asking Haneul where he’s from, what type of makeup he does and it turned out Haneul was from Busan as well. He knew a lot about makeup and basic skin care products and routine. Taehyung had very excitedly quipped in that Jungkook was from Busan too and maybe they’d be really good friends in the future.
Jungkook had just laughed at that, totally fake. He had stuck to Taehyung’s side throughout the time they talked, fiddled with his hair, earrings, played with his fingers and then eventually buried his nose in the crook of Taehyung’s neck and dozed off, clearly not interfered in Haneul or knowing about him at all.
“What’s up with you?” Jimin asks, entering his room the night before their concert just as he’s changing into his pajamas, ready to carry his blanket and pillow to Taehyung’s room to sleep with him.
“What’s up with me?” Jungkook shoots back, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“Your attitude with that new kid—Haneul.” Jimin points out, “You’re clearly ignoring him and you do the opposite of what he says. You’re giving him a hard time Jungkook.”
Jungkook grumbles under his breath and Jimin doesn’t quite catch it.
“What did you say?” Jimin asks, taking a step closer to Jungkook.
Jungkook sighs, “He annoys the fuck outta me.” He curses. His voice soft but filled with distaste.
Jimin gasps at the words. Jungkook sits down on the edge of his bed, pillow clutches tightly in his arms. He has his gaze lowered, a small frown on his lips.
“Why?”
“Because he keeps hitting on Taehyung. I mean it’s obvious and I think even you’ve noticed it. He’s relentless. He’s always complimenting him and fussing about him and his eyes fucking sparkle when he looks at Taehyung. He looks like Taehyung’s his whole world and that’s..” Jungkook trails off, heaving a sigh in frustration, his hands clenching into a fist.
“And that’s?” Jimin prompts, waiting for him to finish.
“And that’s not fair. It’s unacceptable. That’s Taehyung he’s after. Taehyung’s my—” Jungkook cuts himself off, a lump in his throat, his tongue feeling too heavy in his mouth.
He’s his what?
They’re nothing but bestfriends, mere band mates and Jungkook has no right over him.
Jungkook’s face slowly crumples when the realisation hits him again that he’s nothing to Taehyung. That the man he’s been pining after for years is not his and will probably never be. The man who has the kindest smile, the most beautiful heart will be someone’s again and Jungkook will absolutely have no right over him. He’s pathetic. He’ll probably be the best man at Taehyung’s wedding and he’ll probably go with the pieces of his broken heart in his hand and he’ll probably smile like he’s happy, like everything is okay in the world when it’s not.
“Jungkookie..” Jimin coos, gathering Jungkook in his arms as the younger sobs in his chest, “Hyung.. I love him so much and i just can’t— I can’t give him to someone— I can’t see him with someone else.. I won’t survive that.”
Jimin feels tears prickling in his own eyes, he tightens his arms around Jungkook and uselessly whispers that, “it’s going to be okay.”
“I—” Jungkook starts again, voice hoarse and thick with tears, “I can’t lose him. Not now.”
Jimin shakes his head, “You won’t. He loves you. I know he does.”
Jungkook starts trembling in his hold “I know he does and that’s why I can’t be selfish with him. He loves me now but he’ll love someone else more and that love will be a lot different than the love for me.”
Jimin seems to break down as well. Tears start trailing down his face because he knows how it feels. He knows how it feels to love but not being loved back. He knows pinning, he knows it better than anyone else. He knows how it feels to be scared to hope. To live in fear everyday not knowing whether you’ll get a happy ending or not.
He knows.
He presses a kiss on top of Jungkook’s head and cries with him. He lets it all out.
They’re too lost in their own thoughts, they do not hear the door creaking open slightly. They’re too wrapped around each other to notice Taehyung peeking in and freezing when he takes the sight in front of him. They obviously do not notice the way Taehyung’s face falls, heart dropping in his chest. They fail to notice how Taehyung’s eyes brim with tears before he turns around and walks away.
The next day, along with Jungkook and Jimin, Taehyung seems to have dark circles too. He drags himself around, eyes barely open, looking he hasn’t gotten any sleep at all.
“Oh my god hyung! Are you okay?” Haneul gasps, helping Taehyung into a chair. He crouches down and sweeps Taehyung’s hair up his forehead before pinning it. He takes a closer look at his face “Hyung you haven’t slept at all!”
“I know.” Taehyung mumbles. His eyes meet Jungkook’s across the room but he quickly averts it before Jungkook could smile— or give a reaction. He looks back at Haneul who’s fussing in front of him and keeps it there.
Jungkook feels his heart drop. His heart shattering in a million pieces at just that small action. It may mean nothing but it still stings. A lot.
The concert seems to starts in an hour or two. All the managers, staff, makeup artists rushing to get everything done on time. They get a change of clothes first and then they’re ushered to their designated makeup chairs to get their makeup done. Because Haneul is new, he is not assigned to a specific member, he helps the other makeup artists and aids to their needs. But somehow, today, Haneul seems to be stuck on Taehyung’s side. He’s fussing about his hair, his clothes, his voice and basically just everything.
Jungkook seems to hold it at first but then it gets too much. He can see them right across the mirror and it really doesn’t help when Taehyung ignores him when their eyes meet. After a point, when Haneul seems to be working on Taehyung’s eyeshadow, he practically seats himself on Taehyung’s lap.
And, that’s when Jungkook bursts, unable to hold it in.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Jungkook asks, getting up from his chair and turning around to look at Haneul. Everyone in the room startle, turning around to look at Jungkook who has his eyes trained on Haneul.
Jimin thinks about intervening at first but after taking one look at the expression on Jungkook’s face, he decides against it.
Haneul just blinks in, innocently as he tilts his head, eyes a little wide at suddenly being addressed to by Jungkook “what did I do?” He asks.
Jungkook laughs mockingly “you’re loud and fucking annoying. We’re not here to listen to you yap. And why are you stuck to Taehyung? Are you his personal makeup artist? Certainly not.”
The realisation slowly dawns on the other members faces on what this is actually about. Taehyung on the other hand seems to be on a whole different tangent because of the previous night, “What’s your problem?” He asks, eyebrows pinched together, a frown on his face and he looks at Jungkook through the mirror.
“My problem is him. Tell him to leave.” Jungkook says, pointing at Haneul who suddenly seems to have tears in his eyes.
It’s fake. Jungkook can tell it’s an act.
“I-I’m Sorry—” Haneul starts, stuttering but Taehyung cuts him off as he stands up from his chair and turns around to look at Jungkook.
He looks scary and Jungkook has never seen him look that angry.
for Haneul?
“No one else seems to have a problem with him, it’s only you.” Taehyung says, covering Haneul behind his back.
Jungkook feels his heart sink.
“So the one who should leave is you.” Taehyung completes, his voice and eyes emotionless as he stares at Jungkook.
Jungkook reels back at his words, the eyes stinging with tears. He stares at Taehyung for a few seconds before it gets too much, before his body starts trembling, before he starts choking, before he starts crying so he does exactly what Taehyung had said. He leaves.
Taehyung’s own heart shatters. His tongue feels too heavy in his mouth, chest tightens and his insides twist uneasily.
“Hyung..” Haneul starts “I don’t know—”
“It’s okay.” Taehyung cuts him off, squeezing his eyes shut “I’m done with my makeup so you can go.” He says, leaving absolutely no room for argument or anything more.
The concert still happens because they’re professionals. Because they’re taught how to keep their professional and personal life apart. They still smile, even though it doesn’t reach their eyes. They still laugh even though it’s not their best and they still sing even though it doesn’t really come out of their heart. Taehyung still smiles at Jungkook like everything is alright and Jungkook still plays around with Taehyung like it’s not just an act.
Jungkook breaks down towards the end. It’s not because he’s overwhelmed or because he won’t be able to see these fans again— no. It’s because of Taehyung. Because when he’s standing right beside him holding his hand, he still isn’t. Because they’re not the same and he’s afraid they never would be again. He cries in dread, in fear of not being able to talk to Taehyung the same way they did.
He cries because he doesn’t want to lose Taehyung to anyone else. Not Haneul.
He cries because he’s in love.
He rushes backstage to be alone as soon as the concert is over, he doesn’t care about taking pictures for their twitter account and he doesn’t care if his members are going to be worried about it.
All he can think about is how it’s too much, how Taehyung raised his voice on him for a literal stranger. He’s too far gone in his head to notice where he’s going, his surroundings. He doesn’t seem to hear anyone calling him and he shakes off all hands that reach out to him.
He runs until he finds himself in an empty room and then he cries his heart out.
“This.. is quite pathetic of you.” A voice says, walking in, “Didn’t know idol Jeon Jungkook is a wimp who is pathetically in love with his band mate and who can’t even keep his useless emotions in check.”
Jungkook chokes at the words, looks up at the source and sees none other than Haneul who’s standing there with a twisted smile on his lips.
“Leave me alone.” Jungkook stutters, clutching on the fabric over his heart because it’s painful, too painful.
“Why? You didn’t have any problem with humiliating me in front of everyone earlier. Why should I leave you alone now.” Haneul asks, a low snarl.
Jungkook doesn’t reply. His legs start to feel heavier— numb.
“Taehyung doesn’t like you. He never will. He’s strong and beautiful and he’s everything good in the world. You’re trash. Your voice is the only good thing you have going and how far will you be able to go with it? Taehyung will never look at you twice once he finds someone he loves. Me.”
I’m trash.
Taehyung will never love me.
Taehyung will leave me.
Taehyung will leave.
Suddenly, his lungs seem to be giving up. He starts choking. He can’t breathe.
“Tae—Taehyung!” He cries before he slumps down against the wall, his vision blurring with tears, his hands trembling and body shaking. His breath comes out in short pants.
He’s having a panic attack.
He can’t breathe.
He can’t breathe.
And just, as if Taehyung heard his cry, he comes rushing in through the door, startling Haneul who seems to be standing there watching Jungkook. As soon as Taehyung’s eyes land on Jungkook, they widen in horror.
“Hyung.. I—” Haneul starts, taking a step closer to Taehyung but Taehyung ignores him as he rushes to Jungkook and gathers him in his arms.
“Jungkook. Baby. Breathe.” Taehyung says, his own voice shaking.
Jungkook grips Taehyung’s shoulder, chest heaving, “You’ll leave me.” He mumbles. He keeps mumbling that.
Taehyung frowns, he cups Jungkook’s face and makes him look at him, “No. I will not. I will never leave you.”
Jungkook doesn’t seem to listen “He s-said.. you’ll leave.”
Taehyung looks back at Haneul and snarls “What did you fucking say?”
Haneul opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
Taehyung looks back at Jungkook, “You have to breathe. Breathe. Jungkook please breathe.”
“H-h-hyung.” Jungkook stutters.
In a split moment, without giving it much thought, Taehyung leans and presses his lips against Jungkook’s. Jungkook’s lips are chapped and dry but Taehyung doesn’t care.
Jungkook freezes at first. Completely stops breathing again before he eventually let’s go, relaxes into Taehyung’s hold.
Just then, the other members comes rushing in. Their eyes widen when they take the scene in front of him.
Jungkook has his eyes squeezed shut along with Taehyung. His fingers tighten their hold on the front of Taehyung’s shirt before he finally starts breathing through his nose.
Taehyung then pulls away but not completely, touches his forehead to Jungkook “I’ll never leave you. Ever. You’re the most important person to me Jungkookie. I love you. More than anything in the world. I love you.” He says, looking right into Jungkook’s eyes, he makes sure to spell out each and every word carefully. He makes sure Jungkook listens and understands.
Jungkook does understand because his face crumpled once again, he cries out loud before wrapping his arms around Taehyung and pulling him in, impossibly close “I love you too hyung.” Jungkook cries “I love you so much.”
Taehyung cradles the back of his head and gently massages his scalp “yes. I know.”
“No.” Jungkook mumbles “you don’t. I love you like—”
“I know.” Taehyung says, cutting him off “I know. Not now. We will talk later.”
Jungkook pulls back, stares at Taehyung with wide yes because he knows?
Taehyung smiles. He wipes Jungkook’s cheeks with the pads of his thumb before leaning in to kiss his forehead “later.”
Haneul gets fired after Jungkook tells everyone what he said. Taehyung’s face twists into an angry scowl when he tells Haneul to leave. He regrets standing up for him earlier in front of Jungkook.
Jungkook means the world to him and he always will as long as Taehyung’s heart is beating, as long as he’s alive.
When they’re curled into each other late at night, Taehyung softly speaks “I saw you and Jimin that night. You were crying and I guess Jimin was crying as well.”
Jungkook freezes, he buries his face further into Taehyung’s chest “you did?”
Taehyung hums “yeah. And I was hurt. So hurt that you’d rather confide in Jimin instead of me. I was hurt because I couldn’t help you. Because you never came to me to talk about it.”
Jungkook smiles softly “we were talking about you silly.”
Taehyung looks down at Jungkook “really?”
Jungkook nods, he tightens his arms around Taehyung “yeah,” he mumbles “I was crying because I love you and because I thought you’d never love me back.”
Taehyung let’s out a soft laugh “I could only see you when you walked into our dorms for the first time. You were lanky and your nose and teeth were too big for your face. I was so endeared. You were shy and cute and I just couldn’t think about anything— anyone else after that.”
“Really?” Jungkook asks, not quite believing what he was hearing.
Taehyung nods.
“For me, it was when you offered your hand to me for the first time.” Jungkook says, now, a content smile on his face. “‘Let’s be together’ you had said. I took it to heart.”