Chapter Text
They arrived at Starlight Gate when the sun was at its highest.
The journey back from the last house in the northern region of Clarines was not rushed. Though it was tiring, horse-riding for long days and sleeping in unfamiliar beds for longer nights, Shirayuki, Obi and Ryuu weren’t close to dozing off on the last leg of their travels to Wistal.
Shirayuki could only hope the others wouldn’t realise she was stalling.
She had been anticipating that day for a long time – one where she held her head high in front of Izana, the fruits of her hard work over the years beared before him. At times she imagined Obi and Ryuu with her, at others it’d be Zen. It was his side she worked to stand by for so long, after all. And for years that ambition was as clear as day, and if she had to prove herself to a king, then she would.
But when she stood in his Majesty Izana’s office, blinding sun spilling through the tall windows, only grey clouds filled her head.
Izana gently flicked through the final pages of their report, speaking as he read. “Each house you’ve visited in the north has agreed to the plantation of Phostyrias before the start of the next winter.” With a small smile on his lips, he looked up at them as he laid it on his desk. “Congratulations, you’ve successfully completed your mission.”
Shirayuki’s heart lifted, and for a moment she could focus on the joy. “Thank you,” she breathed. “We couldn’t have done it without all the people who believe in the Phostyrias as much as we do.”
Perhaps she was projecting, or maybe the sun was too bright, but she swore she could see Izana’s smile warm.
“Miss and Little Ryuu convinced them first,” said Obi. There was a lightness in his voice that made him sound so gentle that Shirayuki couldn’t help but look at him. “That was the whole point.”
Ryuu stood up straighter. “It was the three of us, together,” he said. “Obi was chosen for a reason too.”
Shirayuki wanted that moment to last forever. The three of them, standing together after all they’ve been through. She had felt so strong then with their support.
Yet so weak, knowing it wasn’t going to last.
“But speaking of Ryuu and Shirayuki specifically,” Izana interjected, “this does bring up our next discussion, and that’s regarding both of your transfers to Wilant Castle as Royal Pharmacists.”
Both, he had said. And Shirayuki’s stomach dropped to the floor.
Izana looked at Ryuu first. “You initially deferred your transfer in order to accompany Shirayuki and Obi on their mission around the north. Now that that has been successful, I expect that you will be transferring within the next month.”
Ryuu nodded firmly. “Yes, your Majesty.”
Izana then looked back at her. “And Shirayuki.”
The skin of Shirayuki’s neck broke into sweat. It was the moment she’d been dreading. The decision. One she thought she already made up her mind on for long but…
If Izana noticed anything, it did not stop him. “Since your first time in Lilias, I have been impressed with your work, your dedication and your potential. And with the success of the Phostyrias throughout its entire process, I believe you’ve proven yourself to me enough.”
It was as though the room centred in on her, caging her, as he said, “I trust that you will do well, as you have here in Wistal and in Lilias. You will be going with him.”
She expected nothing different from his Majesty, Shirayuki thought, that it wasn’t a question. He gave nothing away – neither what he knew nor what he didn’t. All she could give him then, like the first time she ever met him, was honesty, even if it meant those who ever doubted her might’ve been right.
Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth and…
“One meatball and one cabbage soup?”
Shirayuki sits a little straighter and smiles as the waitress sets the bowls on the table. She glances across her towards Suzu, who is already eating the cabbage with his eyes, and stifles a laugh.
Suzu deadpans at her when the waitress leaves. “What?”
“Nothing.” Her grin widens as she picks up her spoon. “I’ve just never seen you look at cabbage so intensely.”
“After the amount of vomiting that went on all afternoon, I do not want anything hearty sloshing around in my guts.”
Shirayuki grimaces, but she tries not to let the image ruin her meatball soup. She deserves this. It’s been a long day and they’re in for a cold night. It’s just too bad the amount of complaints from stomach bugs and food poisoning meant the university kitchens would be closed for the night while they figured out what went wrong.
The town swelled with a sudden influx of hungry scholars searching for dinner. But with the snowy winds outside, she and Suzu settled for speed-walking across the town into an inn restaurant they didn’t know instead of waiting in line.
At least there’s a big fireplace, Shirayuki thinks while she lifts the spoon to her mouth. And decent soup. Obi would like it, if he was there.
In-between slow bites, she looks out the window next to her. They’re past the town square, but not so far that the streets aren’t lively. There are a few shop names she recognises from Yuzuri and Kirito’s recommendations. Then, further out and around the corner there’s an inn larger than the others. She sees the sign out front and—
Her heart drops, though it doesn’t have very far to fall. It feels more like tripping up a stair and hitting her knees on the next. Short, but still with a tang of bitterness in her mouth. It makes her frown.
“What are you looking at?”
Shirayuki rests her chin on her hand, gaze still out the window. “That inn across the road. Zen and I got stranded there in a snowstorm that time he came to visit.”
Suzu leans over the table and peeks outside. “Oh.” Then he slowly plops back down awkwardly in his chair. “Haven’t heard about him in a while. I don’t really know what happened after that, but…”
What happened was that Zen’s jealousy got…Shirayuki shakes her head and doesn’t finish the thought. There’s no use going down that road again, thinking about the trespassing and the close calls that almost cost her reputation and the Phostyrias mission. She can only be glad now that neither of those things were lost. But still, in all the years of aiming to stand by his side, thankful for the kind hand he reached out to her that very first morning by the border of Clarines, she didn’t think he’d be a reason for it all to almost come toppling down.
She would be lying if she said she wasn’t grateful for Zen. She doesn’t know where she’d be if he hadn’t helped her. But even though they agreed that they’re still important and dear to each other and could still be close friends, they still haven’t written to each other. It was sobering to realise that wasn’t actually new. It made her wonder, underneath all those secret kisses hidden away in forests and between great pillars, whether faith without real communication or trust was all they had. And how long ago it had become that way.
“Maybe after being away from each other for so long,” she says, “he could only remember what I was to him, but not who I was. Like he forgot what it meant for me to stand on my own feet and walk my own path.” Or to fight her own battles and emerge victorious through sincerity that blooms hopes into bright futures, the way she always has and always will.
“Was that the deal breaker?”
Shirayuki turns to look at Suzu’s blank face. He’s not judging, just curious because he cares. So, she nods.
Suzu nods back. “That’s fair.” And he continues eating like the conversation never happened. “So, has Ryuu written from Wilant yet?”
“No.”
The air in the room dropped two degrees. Silent. She couldn’t look anywhere but at Izana, surprise flashing across his face for a moment. But she still had much rather looked at him than either of the people beside her.
Izana smooths his expression into neutrality. “No?”
“I…” Shirayuki looked down at her hands. “I don’t…I don’t know…”
“Miss?”
She knew it was a mistake to look up at him before she even did it. Her heart wrenched.
Obi’s eyes were wide with disbelief, holding his breath the same way Shirayuki’s was trapped in her chest and clawing at her lungs. “You’re really…?”
She couldn’t tear her eyes from Obi’s. It was torture, watching the thoughts of what went wrong and how and what it meant rushing through his head when the decision was hers and hers alone. “If I were to leave for Wilant tomorrow,” she said, “I wouldn’t be able to tell you that that is what I truly want right now."
“You do realise, Shirayuki, that I unfortunately cannot wait for you forever,” Izana said calmly. “And unlike Ryuu, there was no current mission that you can undertake that will allow you to defer your offer.”
The storm still brewed inside her head. She didn’t know which decision would ease the turbulence, but she nodded solemnly regardless. Choosing one. “Yes, your Majesty. I understand that fully.”
They left Izana’s office in silence.
Obi lingered by the door as it closed behind them. “Is it because of Master?”
Shirayuki stopped. As she stared into no particular space in front of her, Ryuu excused himself and left in the direction of the pharmacy.
It was a lie to say no, but yes wasn’t entirely accurate either. There was more to it that she couldn’t explain.
“I thought that even though your understanding is over,” Obi murmured, “you’re still important to each other. That’s what you said, didn’t you?”
Shirayuki turned around. “We did. It’s just…It’s just that things have changed. I can’t act like I know for certain that what I want now is the same as before, as if I love Zen like I used to. Because I…” She looked down at the ground, defeated. “I’m sorry, Obi. I know you wished for our happiness for all these years.”
Obi’s footsteps drew closer, his shadow right behind. When Shirayuki looked up at him, he was smiling at her sadly.
“But above all else, Miss, I wish for yours.”
It’s been a month since then.
Ryuu’s absence is deafening. Shirayuki still looks to her side, searching for his thoughts written in the way he furrows his eyebrows and the sharp focus of his gaze.
She never really talked to Obi about her decision, neither before nor after that morning in Izana’s office. She feels like a bad friend for not. She wants to, if only she can fully explain with words the heavy confusion that rolls inside her gut.
She’s been wandering back-and-forth through the halls of Lilias like a ghost. Without any new research to undertake, she’s been picking up extra shifts in the pharmacy and spending long nights in the library studying. But it doesn’t fill the void she’s trapped in. It’s as though there are cracks in the mirror where she sees herself, a whole piece that’s gone missing right where her eyes are supposed to be. Where she now finds nothing when she tries to look forward.
The front door to the dormitories shuts out the snowy winds. As they catch their breath, Shirayuki and Suzu shake the snow out of their hair and off their coats. She can feel the warmth of the lanterns in the hallway seeping into her skin, little by little.
Suzu unwraps his scarf from his neck. “Well, I’m heading straight to bed. I’ll see you at the pharmacy tomorrow morning?”
Shirayuki smiles and nods. “Yeah. See you. And thanks for inviting me out today.”
“No problem,” he says, backing towards the left hallway that leads to his room.
Then Shirayuki is alone again, storm raging on and all.
She draws her hand away from Obi’s door.
She worries her lip and steps back. She feels so…silly, turning up at his door again at night. She just wants to feel like things are normal, like they can talk for hours and sleep in the same bed when it’s cold. Like there’s nothing she’s keeping from him.
Why is it suddenly so hard?
She huffs and turns away, tugging the ends of her nightgown sleeves over her hands. He’s sleeping, she thinks. But she takes two steps down the hall when suddenly the door clicks and creaks open. “Miss?”
Obi’s voice is but a husk, and Shirayuki turns around again, apology already on her tongue. “I’m sorry, I know you have an early morning tomorrow so just…forget that I—”
“You know that I don’t mind, Miss.” he says softly. “All you have to do is knock.”
Obi steps back as Shirayuki enters his room. Pitch black envelops it as he closes the door behind her, but even though she can’t see, it’s only a matter of seconds before she crawls onto the bed and snuggles into his blankets.
In the darkness, Obi’s laugh is a low rumble, warm like summer lightning. “You know, a man’s going to get ideas when you keep turning up to his room late at night like this.”
The bed dips next to her. Obi is barely under the blankets when Shirayuki instinctively entwines their ankles, and he wraps an arm around her shoulder. His body is a furnace – Shirayuki’s close to falling asleep right then and there, but she fights it. She wants to tell him. She wants him to know. “Obi?”
Her eyes are still adjusting to the dark, but she can see that Obi opens his and looks at her. Waiting patiently.
He’s always so good to her it…it almost doesn’t feel fair anymore. “Can I be honest with you about something?”
His breathing stills. “What is it?”
Even though they’re so close now, she can’t help but think about how far away from him she felt in that morning inside Izana’s office. When she had told him no. And the way Obi had looked at her…
“I feel like I’ve made a mistake, telling Izana I didn’t want to go to Wilant,” she says. “Not because I want to go now, but…” She breathes deep, lets the air slowly fill her chest. “I spent so long working, trying to prove myself to people so that I could stand by Zen’s side because I…I loved him. But now I don’t and I just…don’t know what to do next.”
She feels like she’s floating in a dark void, not knowing where she is or how she can move. She hates the way it makes her feel. Like she’s…
It hits her. And she whispers, “I feel lost because it’s only about me now. Not me and Zen, just me.”
Shirayuki’s eyes flicker up to Obi’s. He’s staring back at her, eyes as wide as hers.
Suddenly it seems so obvious that Shirayuki can’t help but laugh at herself. “Goodness, how was that so hard? It’s been years since I only needed to think about what I wanted, and what was good for me. But now that I’m not chasing Zen, I’ve turned away the exact thing I came here for in the first place and now I’m just…lost.”
“And I’m sorry I haven’t talked about it with you until now,” she blurts. “I knew you were upset about Zen and me. I just felt like…” Her voice lowers. The shakiness in it is one she doesn’t recognise. “I was afraid that you were going to be disappointed in me.”
“No, no – I’d never…” he breathes. “I didn’t know it was going to change your decision. But like I told you then, I wish for your happiness more than anything else. I didn’t want you to be sad alone.”
Tears prick at Shirayuki’s eyes. She blinks them away, but her heart swells regardless as she rests her forehead against his chest. “Thank you.”
A hitch catches in Obi’s throat. But with a slow exhale, he softens against her. “We don’t always know where we’re going, but sometimes we end up staying in places we never thought we would.”
“I may had worked to prove myself to Izana,” she says, “but I also worked to prove myself here, in Lilias. I’ve made friends for a lifetime and been challenged in ways I never would’ve imagined when I was back in Tanbarun.”
She feels Obi smile into her hair. “Yeah. Exactly.”
His heart beats softly against the palm of her hand. If she moves it up, she’d touch the scar on his chest. But instead she wraps her arm around his side and pulls herself closer to his chest, breathes deeply of the smell of warm, brown earth, sighing.
Closer now, Obi’s fingers are still against her back. But slowly, he exhales, fingers shyly playing with the long strands of her hair.
“I know you don’t talk about Tanbarun much,” Obi murmurs. “But what things did you look forward to back then?”
Shirayuki hums, pondering. “I would just try to help the customers who came in each day. I made sure I had the supplies and the money to make it to the next one. It wasn’t anything big, but it was already enough to keep me busy.”
“But were you happy?”
She thinks about the open fields on the outskirts of town, of wildflowers and the deep forests of her childhood, of the smiles of the villagers and their good health. Of healing.
The thoughts make her smile from somewhere light, deep in her heart. “Yeah.”
She supposes that it’s not all different from back then. Instead of breezy winds, she wakes up to snow under the soles of her boots and sees colour return to the faces of soldiers and exhausted academics. Her forests have been replaced with libraries. Solitude with company.
She doesn’t have to run forward to reach for the next place in her life just yet. For now, she can just be.
The storm has calmed by the next morning.
Shirayuki cracks her eyes open one at a time, waking up wrapped in blankets and Obi’s limbs. It’s a little brighter than expected for this time of year, but she’s not complaining.
Outside, Lilias’ bell tower chimes throughout the campus. She counts the great tones under her breath, letting the sound wake her.
When there’s one more bell than there should be, she gasps and starts furiously tapping Obi’s shoulder. “Obi, wake up!”
He groans. “Five more minutes, Miss…”
“We can’t, it’s already eight!” She snakes out of Obi’s arms and out of the bed, padding towards his window to throw open the curtains. Sunlight spills into the room. Obi rolls onto his back and throws an arm over his eyes, groaning more. To an exaggerated degree, even.
She turns around and crawls back onto the bed next to him. “We might be able to get breakfast if we hurry, Obi.”
In one smooth motion, Obi sits up. He droops forward and lets his head fall, bringing a hand up to scratch his endearingly messy bedhead. “Surely the trainees know what to do without me telling them at this point.”
Shirayuki sighs, rolling her eyes in an attempt to hold in the smile that threatens her.
“Alright, I got it, Miss,” Obi turns his head to her and grins widely—
But not before Shirayuki grabs his face in both her hands and promptly kisses his nose.
When she pulls back, Obi is stunned to silence. The tips of his ears are searing red.
“Come on, Obi,” she says, sliding off the bed. “We’ve made it to today. Let’s do our best.”