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I. 2014
Seokjin wonders when having everything will stop feeling so lonely.
Everything . An overstatement. After the MAMA’s the night before, the nomination falling flat, it’s hard for Seokjin to say that he has everything. In fact, maybe he has barely anything at all. But at the same time, he can hear the boys dancing around the dorm even though it’s late at night, screaming about how they’re celebrating his birthday even though he’s not even in the room with them. And he loves them, loves them with every ounce of his body, would sacrifice more for them than they’ll ever know - but sometimes. Sometimes, their friendly face isn’t enough, and while Seokjin almost hates himself for it, he knows the loneliness that haunts his heart in a crowded room isn’t something his friends can extinguish.
They’re not that famous - far from it - and if Seokjin really wanted to, he could probably go and secretly have a lover on the side. Except Seokjin doesn’t want someone on the side , he wants someone on his side, by his side, to be there for him. He knows he signed up for this kind of lifestyle, and all the other boys seem to manage plenty fine, but the night before his twenty-third birthday, it becomes too much, and he finds himself spilling all of his emotions to Namjoon.
“I just…” It doesn’t help that Seokjin is slightly tipsy (read: a sip away from drunk) and it’s night and Namjoon and Seokjin are sitting on the curb outside of the dorms in some attempt to find quiet. No, not quiet. The streets are still loud with the sound of cars driving, the electricity of the street lamps emitting a soft, eternal buzz into the air. This is Seokjin’s best attempt at finding privacy, dragging Namjoon out on the cold night with the courage his fifth beer has given him, just so he can finally cave under the feelings he’s been suppressing.
“Just what?” Namjoon is painfully patient, and definitely not drunk like Seokjin wishes he was. He doesn’t complain when Seokjin leans against him, resting his head on his shoulder. Instead, Namjoon’s hand travels to the back of Seokjin’s neck, squeezing lightly.
“I’m twenty-three, Namjoon,” Seokjin states, like Namjoon isn’t perfectly aware of the fact, a smidgen of the frosting from Seokjin’s birthday cake stuck on his nose. Seokjin debates leaving it there, endeared by the white smudge (or more importantly, by Namjoon’s nose, which looks more boopable every passing day). But then it reminds that it’s his birthday, he’s twenty-three, and the only thing in his bed to comfort him at the end of a long day is a random pillow off his bed (and occasionally Jungkook, but that’s different.)
“Hyung, I sang happy birthday to you along with everyone else,” Namjoon teases, nudging Seokjin. “Are you trying to get me to wish you happy birthday again? Do you need another birthday gift?” Namjoon pauses, and thoughtfully adds, “Are you trying to get out of dance practice tomorrow by saying your old and falling apart?”
Seokjin immediately whacks Namjoon, gasping dramatically. “I’m not old!” Sometimes he feels old, and most times, he’s more than happy to take on the role of the eldest. Other times, he’s grateful that the others indulge him, let him pretend he’s young with the rest of them, let him forget his role as the eldest.
Namjoon hums, rubbing at his sore arm. He doesn’t look annoyed though, and it’s not unexpected. At the most, Namjoon’s irritation peaks at a soft sigh, and even when things get really out of hand with the group, Seokjin has rarely even heard Namjoon raise his voice.
“Okay, so you’re twenty-three. And what?” The teasing tone has been dropped, and Namjoon takes the chance to turn his head so he’s looking directly at Seokjin. There’s no stopping the sigh of relief that escapes Seokjin’s lips when he sees Namjoon’s face, reassuring him of why he brought Namjoon - out of all people - out here to talk.
He’s not sure if he’d say if Namjoon’s the person he’s closest to in the group. Some of the members have definite bonds, like Taehyung and Jimin. And it’s not to say that Seokjin doesn’t have great friendships with all of the members, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to pick out a favorite. If anything, Seokjin usually chooses to rant to Yoongi, late at night when he’s lying in bed and he know Yoongi can hear him. Sometimes Yoongi will respond, sometimes he won’t, but it’s always a relief to get it off his chest.
Tonight, Seokjin has snatched Namjoon, and he’s not exactly sure why, but this felt like the type of thing he wanted to talk to Namjoon with.
“I’m lonely,” he blurts, unsure of how to express himself. He clenches his fists at his side, refuses to make eye contact with Namjoon. The alcohol has already assisted in apple of his cheeks red, but his sudden confession boosts the shade of red they are, and the heat travels all the way to his ears.
He doesn’t expect the words to make sense to Namjoon, so he’s not surprised to hear a confused hum. “Hyung, what do you mean?” Seokjin likes that about Namjoon. He doesn’t try to tell him that he’s wrong, that there’s no way he’s lonely living in a dorm with six other men. Namjoon simply listens, and allows Seokjin to give him more, if he wants to.
He does.
Seokjin groans, bringing his fingers into his lap, closing them together. “It’s just, I’m twenty-three, you know? And the older I get, the more gaps I feel like I have in my heart.” He lowers his voice, only realizing how loud his words have become, emotions amping his volume. “Of course, some of those gaps are those gaps are filled. Filled by family, filled by the fans, filled by you guys. Fuck , my heart is full, but it’s not , because I’m twenty-three and I really wish that-” he sighs. The sentence falls flat, due to a combination of embarrassment and uncertainty.
“You want a lover.”
Namjoon says it so simply, the words that Seokjin has been trying to avoid saying because now that it’s there, exposed to the world, and Seokjin can’t take it back.
Seokjin immediately goes to backtrack. “I mean-” he laughs nervously, “-not that I need something, um, someone? Like that in my life. In fact, I’m very busy with, well, everything. And that’s good, I think. I like being busy.” He releases a deep sigh, upset when the loneliness doesn’t disappear into the air along with it. “I’m fine. I’m just drunk, and you really shouldn’t have let me drink this much, and-”
He’s cut off when his head is suddenly thrown off Namjoon’s shoulder, and before he has time to even complain about that, one of his hands is being tugged away from him, and he’s being lifted off the ground.
“Hey, wait!” Seokjin protests, allowing himself to be dragged along behind Namjoon. He stumbles, trying to catch up, Namjoon’s long legs already taking him strides ahead of Seokjin. If it wasn’t for the firm grip Namjoon has on Seokjin’s hand, he’d be left behind. “Where are we going?” He’s not against random walks with Namjoon, but it is late, and they do have a schedule starting early tomorrow.
Namjoon doesn’t stop walking, but he turns around for a brief moment to smile at Seokjin and say, “C’mon, hyung. We’re going on a date.”
He has the audacity to wink before turning around casually, like his words didn’t just make Seokjin’s head explode.
“A date ?” Seokjin splutters, hoping Namjoon can’t feel how warm his skin is becoming, pulse suddenly racing. “Namjoon, what do you mean -”
“I don’t want you to be lonely, hyung,” Namjoon says, this time choosing not to face Seokjin.
He wonders for a brief moment if Namjoon is ever lonely. Maybe in a way Seokjin can’t understand.
“So you’re-” Seokjin refuses to stutter, choosing to stop speaking completely. You want a lover . Namjoon’s words, and now Namjoon’s words are saying they’re going on a date, which means that Namjoon is volunteering to be his-
His mind short-circuits.
“Namjoon!” He tries, wondering if he ran up to catch up to the younger, what kind of expression he’d see on his face. “You can’t- I can’t- We can’t -”
“Don’t think about it too much,” Namjoon says, and finally they end up in front of a familiar convenience store, one Seokjin and the rest of the boys have occupied on several occasions.
“But Namjoon -”
“Just think of it as a birthday present, from me to you,” Namjoon says, opening the door for Seokjin. It allows for Seokjin to finally get a proper look at Namjoon’s face, which is all smiles. Maybe a little sad, or maybe Seokjin’s just reading into it too much. “It’ll be fun. Once a year, I’ll be there for you. However you want me.” He whispers the last part, bringing his face closer to Seokjin’s so that their foreheads almost bump, and the closeness is so discombobulating that Seokjin doesn’t even think about worrying if someone recognizes them.
Seokjin swallows. “A birthday gift, huh?”
Namjoon nods, slowly. “If you want.”
A smarter part of Seokjin knows he should protest, should disagree with Namjoon’s crazy idea because they’re idols and more importantly they’re friends and Seokjin doesn’t really think Namjoon can fill the achining hole in his heart like Namjoon is proposing he could.
But he’s nodding before any words of wisdom can escape his mouth, and it’s all worth it for the big smile Namjoon sports, dimple prominent on his cheek.
By the end of the night, they both have a convenience store ice cream one hand, their other hands intertwined between them, and Seokjin smiles so much that his cheeks feel sore. And when they go home to the dorm, far past the time when everyone else has gone to sleep, Seokjin’s so happy that he doesn’t even notice how much less lonely he feels.
II. 2015
Seokjin is too used to having members slide into his room without permission. Usually, Jimin and Jungkook are the top culprits of coming into his uninvited, sitting on his bed despite the fact that he really rather not have them sit on his nice, clean comforter in their dirty clothes.
Namjoon is usually respectful of his privacy though, so when Seokjin hears a knock at the bedroom door, he’s not surprised when he calls out that Namjoon’s voice is the one to respond, opening the door and peeking his head in.
“Hey, you’re not busy, right?”
Seokjin blinks. His biggest plans are to go on Twitter and officially thank everyone for the birthday wishes. With performances done for the year, practice was lighter than usual - which meant that now, in the afternoon, they were done for the day. They all had plans for dinner later in the evening, but until then, Seokjin was free to sit at his computer, enjoying the free time to play games.
“I mean, no?” He wonders what Namjoon could want from him. It’s not always easy for Namjoon to ask him for things; despite Seokjin being the older one, Seokjin knows Namjoon feels the burden of being their leader. It’s a tension between them that on the rare occasion pushes them apart, but more than anything, it pulls them together, the struggles on their shoulders weighing on them in the same direction.
Namjoon nods, pleased with Seokjin’s answer. “Okay, wear something comfortable, and I’ll meet you outside in ten minutes.”
Seokjin furrows his brows. “Where are we going?” He swears that the plan with everyone wasn’t until later in the evening. No reason for Namjoon to demand he gets ready now. It’s not like he’s Jimin, who’s chronically late and gets told the meeting time is an hour earlier than it actually is.
“Movie date. You said there was that film you wanted to see, right?”
Seokjin stares at Namjoon blankly, because he’s pretty sure he heard the younger say the word date and that definitely doesn’t make any sense. It’s not unlike Hoseok to jokingly use the term, insisting that they’re all going on dates any outing they participate in, but Namjoon doesn’t look like he’s joking. If anything, he looks earnest in a way that makes Seokjin feel a little strange, almost warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Namjoon doesn’t look surprised by Seokjin’s confusion. He cups the back of his head, laughing nervously. “I mean, if you want to. But I promised you, so I figured I’d…” He shrugs, tucking his chin down.
It comes back to Seokjin, Namjoon’s promise from his birthday last year. Of course, last year Seokjin had been wasting away the mild effects of alcohol and clearly hadn’t been thinking about future Seokjin’s feelings. Namjoon and Seokjin never did talk about that night, which Seokjin has always dismissed as Namjoon forgetting. But now Namjoon’s here, at the door of his bedroom, telling him he has ten minutes to get ready for a date that last year Seokjin agreed to. Last year Seokjin clearly doesn’t care about the wellbeing of current Seokjin’s heart, which almost flips in his chest.
“Yeah,” Seokjin whispers, ignoring the fact that his in-game character has now died, which is a bummer because Seokjin’s pretty sure it’ll reset him pretty far back. But he turns off the computer monitor without a second thought, already standing up from his chair. “That’d be nice.”
Namjoon heads off while Seokjin changes. Namjoon told him to wear something comfortable, and the sweatpants and T-shirt he’s wearing right now are. If it were an outing with any other member, he’d probably throw on a face mask and hat and call it a day. The last thing he needs to do is draw attention to himself on private outings.
But it’s not just a normal outing, it’s a date . Seokjin takes a deep breath, staring at the mirror. It’s a date , it's’ a date , it’s a date-
In the end, all he changes are his pants, opting for a pair of jeans. He throws a winter jacket over his t-shirt, knowing that Namjoon will insist on taking the train rather than letting him drive.
Namjoon’s waiting at the door for him, leaned against the wall. Seokjin has always thought Namjoon looks nice when he dresses up, but there’s a distinctive charm Namjoon has when he dresses down, bundled up his jacket with a scarf wrapped around his neck, almost covering his lips. His hat is black, matching Seokjin’s, and while Seokjin’s sure there’s twenty-million other people out there in the world wearing black baseball caps, in the moment, he can’t help but feel tingly over the fact that Namjoon and him are matching.
It’s his birthday, he reminds himself. It’s his birthday, this is Namjoon’s birthday gift to him, and he should be allowed to indulge in all the little things, right?
“You ready?”
Physically, Seokjin is ready to go outside, get on the train, and go to whatever movie theater Namjoon has picked out. However, mentally Seokjin thinks he might have to throw himself against a wall, because he still can’t believe he conned Namjoon into pretending to be his boyfriend for his birthday. He dubs the warmth welling in his chest as appreciation, because he really appreciates Namjoon doing this. A good friend.
Seokjin offers to drive them to the theater, but Namjoon is quick to reject the idea, and they’re at the train station before Seokjin knows it, boarding the train.
“It’s busy,” Seokjin mumbles, pulling his face mask on. Next to him, Namjoon does the same. “It’s a public holiday, they should be at home celebrating.”
Namjoon cocks his head. “Holiday?”
In response, Seokjin points happily to himself. “My birthday, of course. Everyone should be celebrating.”
Namjoon laughs, probably louder than he should when they’re trying to stay off the radar. But Seokjin loves Namjoon’s laugh so much that he finds it hard to complain, and he grins proudly at his joke despite the fact that his smile is hidden behind the mask.
Despite Seokjin’s best efforts to will the crowd away, at the end of the day it’s a Friday, and the train quickly becomes packed. They’re both standing, holding on tightly to the grip-handles as the train bustles along. Even though Seokjin really wants to, he knows it’s better not to speak when their in such a crowded, enclosed space with nowhere to escape too. So he simply stares at Namjoon, the younger focused on the phone in his hand. It’s not until after a few minutes when Seokjin gets caught, Namjoon glancing upward with a small, knowing smile. And Seokjin is just trying to think about why he shouldn’t be embarrassed that he got caught staring at Namjoon, because people stare at each other all the time, right? It’s more a coincidence that Seokjin just happens to find Namjoon very attractive, even when they’re standing so close that Seokjin can see all the small details of Namjon’s face.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to wallow in his embarrassment for too long, the train coming to a sudden sharp turn that has multiple people on the train yelping - including Seokjin and Namjoon. Seokjin had been midstep - trying to back away from Namjoon - during the event, which means even with his grip firm on the handles, he begins to fly to the side. Except before he can bump into the poor people next to him, an arm wraps around his waist, and Namjoon pulls him in.
Pulls him in too close.
In the background, Seokjin can vaguely make out the grumbles of people’s complaints, but it barely registers in his head. It’s strange, how fast everything around him is somehow moving while he feels frozen in place, stuck in Namjoon’s hold. Except he’s not stuck, and now that the train has continued traveling like normal, he could easily wiggle out of Namjoon’s embrace, and Namjoon could easily let him go.
Neither of them move.
Seokjin knows some form of gratitude is due, but the thank you he knows he needs to say is stuck in his throat, unable to escape behind the breath he’s holding. So he releases the breath, slightly shaky, wondering if Namjoon can feel the heat of his breath against his face, with them standing so close together. Can he feel Seokjin’s heartbeat through the fabric of their jackets?
Namjoon is the first to move, the arm that had been holding Seokjin flush against him unraveling itself from Seokjin’s waist. At first, Seokjin thinks that that’s it, that’s the end of it and maybe he can finally take a proper breath, but rather than Namjoon retracting his arm completely, his hand reaches out to Seokjin’s face. For a brief second, Namjoon’s fingers brush against Seokjin’s lips - a quick, fleeting moment - before pressing firmly against the soft skin of Seokjin’s cheek.
“Right here,” Namjoon says, voice low. His finger lingers on Seokjin’s cheek. “Can I kiss you?”
Seokjin barely chokes out a confirmation that yes, Namjoon can kiss him there, please kiss him there which is an emotion he’s not really sure how to comprehend because Namjoon’s supposed to be his fake boyfriend for the day, and it’s obviously all supposed to be a joke , but here Seokjin is, breath caught in his throat as Namjoon leans in even closer, his lips barely brushing Seokjin’s skin. Even then, with just a whisper of a touch, Seokjin can’t help the sigh he lets out. It’s not like it’s the first time Seokjin’s shared innocent kisses with the members of the group, but it doesn’t occur to him that the reason his stomach flips from the pressure of Namjoon’s lips is because it’s nothing really innocent at all.
By the time they arrive at the movie theater, Namjoon manages to sneak another kiss to Seokjin’s cheek. When the movie plays, Seokjin almost drops the popcorn when Namjoon takes his hand and presses a soft kiss to the tips of his fingers, laughing about how he tastes like butter. On the train ride back to the dorms, Seokjin doesn’t even jump when Namjoon leans over to kiss his forehead, laughing and swatting Namjoon’s hand away when he goes to pinch his cheek.
When all the members go to dinner that night, Seokjin doesn’t even think twice about giving into the temptation of Namjoon’s smile and kissing his dimple, and he becomes too wrapped up in the loud reactions of the primarily drunk table that he doesn’t even notice how rosy Namjoon’s cheeks become.
III. 2016
Their third date is a trip to the zoo.
More so than ever, they have to be careful about when they go out. With the release of WINGS only a couple of months ago, not to mention their first daesang win at the MMAs, there’s more spotlight on the group then Seokjin could ever imagine.
Even with all the pressure, Namjoon manages to get the two of them out into the public, arriving at the zoo earlier in the evening. They should both really be wearing masks, but Namjoon refused to wear one, insisting that it’d get in the way of kissing Seokjin’s cheeks.
“You know, you don’t have to do that every five seconds,” Seokjin laughs, feeling flustered as Namjoon kisses his forehead as they buy their tickets and walk into the zoo.
“I’ll stop if you want me to,” Namjoon says, and this time when he kisses Seokjin’s cheek, Seokjin can feel his smug smile against his skin, because Namjoon knows Seokjin has no real protests to give.
There’s no hesitation to take each other’s hand, and they pick up their pace just to pass the incoming crowd. It’s not as busy as Seokjin expected for a Sunday night, but they are reaching the end of the night, so Seokjin’s sure some people many people have already gone home to prepare for work or school the following day.
It’s nice because it means Seokjin doesn’t have to spend so much time worrying about being recognized. They speak quietly, not wanting to draw any extra attention to themselves. At the end of the day, they’re two men holding hands in public, and Seokjin knows it’s impossible to ignore every stare, but he prays the way he tucks his head down is enough to avoid any commotion. He wonders if it’s really worth risking everything, just go out on a pretend-date with his band member.
It is worth everything , Seokjin thinks numbly as they head over to the bat exhibit. They walk inside the small alcove, and with the shuffling of guests coming in and out of the exhibit, Namjoon gets shoved against the glass, and Seokjin immediately stands behind Namjoon with a firm stance to prevent any further bumps from uncaring guests from pushing Namjoon in the glass again.
It doesn’t bother Namjoon like it bothers Seokjin though, the younger with his hands pressed against the glass as he peers into the enclosure, face close enough that his breath fogs up the glass.
“Hyung, look at them,” Namjoon says, blindly reaching out for Seokjin behind him. He manages to snag onto Seokjin’s jacket, pulling him forward with enough momentum that Seokjin practically slams into Namjoon’s back, Namjoon none-the-wiser as Seokjin catches himself on the glass, the loud thud garnering glares from some other guests. He tucks his head into Namjoon’s neck in an attempt to hide himself.
“Hyung, you can’t see from there,” Namjoon teases, though he doesn’t make any attempts to remove Seokjin from where he’s decided to hide. “You’re missing out on all the good stuff. I’m pretty sure one of those bats is Yoongi-hyung, it looks exactly like him.”
Seokjin wonders if that Namjoon was on a date with a real boyfriend, if he’d be able to talk so casually with some pressed so tightly behind him. Seokjin is fully aware of the fact that his lips are pressed against Namjoon’s neck, and if he wasn’t so worried about upcoming public appearances with the band, he wouldn’t be able to resist the idea of marking up Namjoon’s neck, leaving behind little love bites that’d last longer than the day of dating that Seokjin’s allotted each year.
Namjoon continues talking about how one of the bats seems to be really enjoying some mangoes, which is great - congratulations to the bat for harnessing all of Namjoon’s attention. It’s not like Seokjin needs Namjoon to show any signs of being affected by Seokjin - after all, they’re not actually dating so there’s no reason Namjoon would be actually flustered by Seokjin. At the end of the day, they’re just bandmates, two people who would never be involved like this if it weren’t for Namjoon’s silly idea.
But now Seokjin’s greedy, and he wants more from whatever they have, wants to take advantage of the one day he has each year to feel a little less lonely. He’s not sure how , but when he peeks out of his hiding spot of Namjoon’s neck and scans the room, he feels like he can spot all the other couples within an instant. And maybe Seokjin and Namjoon don’t look that different than the other couples, all pressed up against each other, but something still feels different.
“Ah, hyung! Look how cute that one is!” Namjoon shouts, jumping up and down in excitement. It knocks him out of Seokjin’s hold, making Seokjin have to take a step back and actually look at Namjoon bouncing around happily, pointing to one of the bats hanging off the ceiling, and the view hits Seokjin like a punch to the gut. An overwhelming emotion he can’t put a name to. The words spill out of his mouth before he can stop them.
“You look cuter,” Seokjin blurts, and it’s true, but it doesn’t feel like enough . There’s a certain feeling he wants to tag onto the words, and he’s not sure what it is, but a certain word is on his mind when he looks at Namjoon, and he’s not sure why that’s the word that comes to his head, and he feels his throat tense up at the idea of actually saying it, but he wants to say it, so he ignores the tenseness in his chest, taking a deep breath in.
“You look cuter, babe ,” Seokjin says, and while he tries his best to sound casual while saying it, it’s all too obvious how Namjoon suddenly freezes, and through the reflection of the glass Seokjin can see how wide Namjoon’s eyes have gone.
“Ah-” Seokjin feels his throat closing up, and considers making a run for it. He drove them today, so while it’d be a bummer for Namjoon to have to find another ride home, it’d be okay for Seokjin to just drive home alone and pretend he never existed, right? Because surely it’d be better than the mortification of standing here and-
Namjoon falls forward onto the glass, forehead thunking against the barrier. The sound is enough to snap Seokjin out of his panic, quickly approaching Namjoon to make sure he’s alright. With Namjoon’s hand still pressed against the glass, it’s hard to get a proper look at Namjoon, and Seokjin scoots closer to try to get a better look at Namjoon’s face. “Namjoon-ah, are you okay?”
Seokjin is a second away from being convinced he accidentally killed Namjoon with his awkwardness, but the thought is washed away when a soft chuckle emits from Namjoon, and it turns into a full-fledged laugh a moment later. Seokjin’s not sure of the reasoning behind it, but he does know he’s addicted to Namjoon’s laugh, how small it is compared to how big Namjoon actually is. Each squeaky laugh that escapes Namjoon’s lips is another string tugging at Seokjin’s heart.
Where the strings are trying to tug his heart, Seokjin isn’t sure.
“Ah, hyung,” Namjoon finally says, voice light. He turns his head to the side, still partially leaning against the glass. With the hand closer to Seokjin, he reaches out, hand carressing Seokjin’s face. “You’re so cute,” Namjoon whispers, gently patting Seokjin’s cheek. With another laugh, he adds, “You’re cheeks are so warm.”
Seokjin huffs, knowing very well that at the sound of Namjoon’s comment that his cheeks are becoming even hotter, certainly a bright red underneath Namjoon’s hand. He does his best to ignore it though, scrunching his nose.
“They don’t call me worldwide handsome for nothing, you know ?” Seokjin boasts, tagging the last bit on in English. It gets another laugh out of Namjoon, a little reminder towards Seokjin why he puts up such a confident facade when there’s no one around who doesn’t actually know how he feels.
Because it’s just Namjoon, and not just some random variety show host, he knows how embarrassed Seokjin gets saying things so proudly, and his hand finally slips from Seokjin’s cheek to his ear.
“Where was this confidence earlier?” Namjoon says, tugging lightly on Seokjin’s ear. The feeling of Namjoon’s fingers brushing against the sensitive skin behind his ear is enough to make Seokjin shiver. “Seriously, how can you be all of you and still get shy?” Namjoon mumbles this part, and maybe Seokjin wasn’t supposed to hear it, but he does and it has his heart thudding loudly in his chest because what all of him even supposed to be and why does Namjoon sound so lonely when he says it?
Before Seokjin has time to drown in the thought, Namjoon moves again, taking a step away from the glass and towards Seokjin until he’s leaned over and whispering right into Seokjin’s ear, lips brushing just where his fingers had been.
“If you wanted us to use pet names, you could’ve just said so, babe .”
Seokjin doesn’t recover until they’re halfway across the zoo, and by the time they leave that night, it’s settled that from then on that the new name will stick whenever their annual date comes around.
IV. 2017
Seokjin wakes up warmer than he’s used to, and the small wiggling of his body to try to make himself more comfortable comes to a halt when he realizes why he’s so warm. His eyes fly open when he recognizes the feel of arms around him, and even though he can already feel Namjoon’s legs pressing against his, it makes it even more embarrassing to open his eyes and have to witness their tangled legs, desperately trying to fit on the couch together.
It comes back to him pretty quickly - they had been way too busy to even consider going out for Seokjin’s birthday, so they had decided to stay in and watch a movie. At first, they had conservatively been sitting next to each other on the couch, thighs barely touching, wary of each time a member walked in on them. But slowly, surely, the distance became too much and it wasn’t long into the movie that they ended up in a much more compromising position, Seokjin stradling Namjoon’s lap and much more interested in playing with the locks of Namjoon’s hair than watching the movie.
And at some point, he must’ve fallen asleep, because he can’t recall positioning himself like this on the couch with Namjoon. There’s a blanket covering both of them, and Seokjin can only pray Namjoon was the one to put it on them rather than another member walking in on them snuggled together like this.
He huffs, quietly to himself. There’s no reason to be embarrassed; it’s not like he’s never shared tight sleeping spaces with any of the other members. Maybe it’s the way Seokjin can feel Namjoon’s steady heartbeat beneath his hand, which is sandwiched between their chests. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that Namjoon’s snoring quietly into the ear, which should be annoying, but there’s a tingling sensation in Seokjin’s ear everytime Namjoon’s warm breath hits his skin.
He decides the warmth circulating through his body has to do completely with him zapping all the warmth out of Namjoon and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his skin feels on fire just thinking about how close their pressed together. It’s warm, too warm, and yet all Seokjin can think about it falling back asleep in Namjoon’s embrace.
Another huff. The couch is comfortable, but they probably won’t think the same thing if they sleep there all night. There’s too much to do tomorrow for them to both wake up with stiff backs and sore muscles, so reluctantly Seokjin begins to move, gently shaking Namjoon’s shoulders. “Namjoonie, you need to wake up.”
Namjoon grumbles, and manages to curl up even closer against Seokjin. When Seokjin shakes him again, Namjoon groans, “Not now, babe.” And that settles it for Seokjin. If Namjoon says not now, then how could Seokjin even imagine disagreeing?
Unfortunately, Namjoon begins to actually wake up, and just as Seokjin is about to close his eyes and go back to sleep, he watches Namjoon open his eyes. There’s a brief moment where he looks confused, eyes darting all over the place, but they eventually land on Seokjin’s face, and that’s when a soft, lazy smile stretches across Namjoon’s lips.
“Hey,” Namjoon whispers, not doing anything about their tangled limbs (which leaves a lot for Seokjin to think about). “I guess I must’ve fallen asleep. What time is it?” Without waiting for Seokjin to answer, he adjusts Seokjin in his arms so he can bring his wrist to his face, peering at the clock face. “Damn, it’s already one.”
Seokjin blinks, and moves around so he can look at Namjoon’s watch too; sure enough, the hour hand is pointing to the one, and surrounded by the silence of the night, Seokjin can hear his heart thumping in his chest. And then it comes to a sudden stop, a punch to the gut, when he realizes that his birthday is over and he needs to let Namjoon go.
“C’mon babe, let’s go to bed,” Namjoon mumbles into Seokjin’s ear, and when Seokjin refuses to budge, Namjoon nips at his ear. Seokjin’s shriek is rewarded with laughter, followed by Namjoon sitting up, Seokjin still relaxing all of his weight onto Namjoon.
“Don’t wanna,” Seokjin grumbles, not wanting to admit that it’s not the fact that he has to go to bed that bothers him - it has a lot more to do with the fact that Namjoon won’t join him. His birthday is over, Namjoon’s gift is done once again until another year, and the last thing Seokjin wants to do is let Namjoon go back to his own room.
“You’re the one who woke me up!”
Seokjin can’t deny that, but it’s not like he can say well I wouldn’t have if it meant having to separate because, well, why would he say that? He can’t even explain why he feels so reluctant to part from Namjoon, but surely it has to do with how physically warm Namjoon is. Certainly, there’s nothing else that could have Seokjin’s heart panging just from the thought of walking away.
Instead, Seokjin clings onto Namjoon, wrapping his legs tightly around Namjoon’s waist and throwing his arms around his neck and grumbles, “You have to carry me!”
In Namjoon’s defense, he does make a decent effort to pick Seokjin up, but a few steps in his legs start to become wobbly under the weight, and Seokjin reluctantly puts his feet on the ground. He doesn’t stand for himself though, leaning against Namjoon, and he only laughs at Namjoon’s mumbled complaints.
He figures Namjoon will at least walk him to his room and lets his eyes close, trusting Namjoon to lead them in the right direction. With his eyes closed, it almost feels like they’re walking the wrong direction, but he decides to blame the strange feeling on sleep.
And then he’s suddenly being thrown, and his back hits a mattress. Which is what he expected, except it takes him less than a second to realize that it’s not his mattress, and with a start, his eyes open.
Even if the dark, he’s able to recognize Namjoon’s room, and more importantly, the fact that he’s on Namjoon’s bed.
“Namjoon-ah?” His voice is quiet. “What is this?”
“Oh, sorry, did you want to shower first?” Namjoon asks as he removes his shirt, tossing it to the side. Seokjin hopes Namjoon doesn’t hear the sharp inhale that follows. It’s a known fact in the dorms that Namjoon doesn’t like sleeping with a shirt on, the only exception being if they’re filming. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean Seokjin isn’t totally unaffected, especially when he watches Namjoon climb into the other side of the bed. He shouldn’t be, considering it’s like he’s going to do anything with Namjoon’s half naked body, except he is, he’s going to be sleeping right next to it, and he knows that means by the end of the night he’ll be sleeping on top of Namjoon’s half naked body and-
He takes a deep breath in, slowly releasing it. He tries his best to address Namjoon’s question, the younger still looking at him inquisitively. Shower. Yeah. He doesn’t like sleeping without being clean, and for the sake of his skin and Namjoon’s bedsheets, he should shower. But now that he’s finally settled in Namjoon’s bed and despite the little part of his brain screaming that Namjoon’s shirt is still on the floor rather than on him , Seokjin feels very comfortable where he is. And more so than that, he’s just happy that he doesn’t have to say goodbye to Namjoon quite yet.
There’s a quick moment where he considers taking a shower, the moment paired with the idea to avoid leaving Namjoon’s side he should just take Namjoon with him in the shower and-
The idea goes downhill quickly, Seokjin shaking his head to himself as he feels his cheeks light up. “No, no shower. This is fine. Sorry for getting your sheets dirty.”
Namjoon snorts. “I probably shouldn’t tell you the last time I washed them then, if you’re worried about that.” And Seokjin wants to scold Namjoon about keeping his bed clean, but before he can open his mouth Namjoon rolls his direction, pressing his face into the crook of Seokjin’s neck and throwing a leg across his body.
“Goodnight, Namjoon-ah,” Seokjin says with an exasperated sigh, glad that Namjoon’s eyes are already closed so he misses how fondly Seokjin stares at him. There’s a sense of yearning building up in heart, but the problem is he doesn’t know what the yearning is aimed at.
He pulls Namjoon closer to silence the throbbing of his heart, and falls asleep shortly after.
He wakes up later to an empty bed, and with sleep still lulling his mind, he can’t help the groan of complaint that escapes his lips as he rolls over in bed, seeking Namjoon’s warmth.
“Ah, babe, did I wake you up?”
Seokjin grunts in response, barely willing to peek his eyes open and sneak a look at Namjoon standing in front of a mirror, getting dressed for the day. There’s something extra special about the small sliver of Namjoon’s bare back Seokjin gets to see before it disappears underneath the T-shirt Namjoon puts on, and Seokjin thinks it might have to do with the fact that he knows exactly what Namjoon’s bare skin feels like underneath the touch of his hands now.
“Good morning then,” Namjoon says with a small laugh, walking over to the bed. He places one hand flat on the bed next to Seokjin, and using it to balance his weight, he leans over and presses a kiss to Seokjin’s forehead. A kiss to his forehead, a kiss to each cheek. There’s a brief moment where Seokjin feels Namjoon’s gaze on his lips, but the moment is gone in the blink of an eye, Namjoon already standing back up. “Did you sleep well?”
“All up until now,” Seokjin grumbles, making grabby hands at Namjoon until Namjoon lowers himself back down in range of Seokjin and he’s able to grab Namjoon by his cheeks and bring him close enough to kiss Namjoon’s nose, laughing when he feels Namjoon scrunch his nose underneath his lips. “Come back to bed, babe.”
“Wish I could,” Namjoon says, sounding sadder about the fact than Seokjin. “But I promised Hobi that I’d help him with some music stuff, and we have to get it done before dance practice.”
“Fine, just abandon me for Hobi, I guess,” Seokjin teases, though he’s already silently cursing Hoseok for stealing from his Namjoon Time.
Wait.
“I’ll see you later, babe,” Namjoon says, managing to sneak one last kiss to Seokjin’s cheek before leaving the room, turning off the lights behind him. As if Seokjin could go back to sleep.
He glances at the clock. It’s almost seven in the morning. Almost seven hours past his birthday ending. Seven hours past his Namjoon Time. Yet here he is, giggling over the feeling of Namjoon’s lips against his skin, entire body vibrating at the thought of seeing Namjoon later.
The feeling deflates later on when they see each other at dance practice and Namjoon refers to him as ‘hyung’ and he knows everything has gone back to normal. He deflates, and his mind begins to wander to the thought of what it’d be like to have Namjoon by his side like that every day.
V. 2018
Seokjin turns twenty-seven this year, and he wonders if this is the year where he’ll be old enough to figure his life out. Each year that passes, the more he wonders if there’s ever truly a moment in life where age gives the wisdom society says it does.
Because if anything, he feels more lost than ever. Lost and confused in a hazy dream, where the way Namjoon holds his hand is painfully natural, and even a simple look at their interlocked hands is rewarded with Namjoon smiling brightly, bringing Seokjin’s hand to his lips and pressing a soft kiss against the palm.
Except the dream is real, and Seokjin can feel his entire body heat up, despite the fact that they’re walking outside at night in December.
They’re both bundled up in a mix of jackets, scarves and hats. Earlier, they had both donned face masks, but once it was clear that the blanket of the night would properly hide their identity from anyone nearby, they came off.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t take you somewhere nicer,” Namjoon says, a small pout forming on his lips. “There was this place I wanted to take you - I think you would’ve really liked it - but, oh, well,” Namjoon finishes with a soft sigh, tilting his head back. He doesn’t have to finish his sentence, because Seokjin knows - they both know. It may be Seokjin’s birthday, but it’s not like it means any of them get the day off from work. They have performances to prepare for, Namjoon has a new album to work, and Seokjin was busy with - well, to be honest, the thought of his annual date with Namjoon polluted his mind all day, rendering his day’s practice practically useless.
It’s not the same with Namjoon anymore, he knows that. They’re still the same people, and they still talk about the same things. They’re still them .
But at the same time, Seokjin isn’t blind to the additional touches Namjoon provides him when it’s just the two of them. Seokjin is confident that every time Namjoon’s hands secure around his waist that it’s purely subconscious, There’s times where Namjoon will come up behind him without saying a single word, simply wrapping his arms around Seokjin and burying his head in the crook of his neck, quietly breathing against the skin.
The boys are all familiar with high levels of skinship with each other. Though not as much as they got older, Seokjin can clearly remember the days where Namjoon and him practically hung off each other, as if they were glued to each other’s side. Namjoon and him being touchy with each other is nothing new.
What’s new is the way that Seokjin heats up at every touch, the way his heart flutters every time Namjoon smiles at him. It’s completely new (is it?), the way Seokjin craves Namjoon’s company. When their busy day had ended and they were freed for the night, Seokjin barely recognized his own feet running over to Namjoon in his studio, carelessly falling into his lap once Namjoon had opened his arms up, swiveling around in his chair to face Seokjin.
There’s a feeling at the tip of Seokjin’s tongue, but in the hazy dream where Seokjin and Namjoon can arrive back at their home together after a short date, it’s too hard to see and sort out anything wandering in Seokjin’s heart. Instead, he settles for pulling Namjoon aside when he realizes how close to home they’re getting. There’s nothing awkward about the way he immediately wraps his arms around Namjoon, resting his head against Namjoon’s shoulder. There’s no hesitation from Namjoon to reciprocate the hug, and Seokjin’s grin is automatic when Namjoon presses a kiss to his cheek, lips warm against his wind-frozen cheeks.
“You know we have to go home, babe,” Namjoon mumbles against the shell of Seokjin’s ear, chapped lips pressing against the soft skin. “Too cold outside, can’t have you catching a cold.”
Seokjin scrunches his nose. Like he could catch a cold when his heart thumps heavily in his chest, heat coursing through his veins. “We can’t catch a cold if we’re all bundled up,” Seokjin protests, unhooking his hands so he can reach up and mess with Namjoon’s scarf, bundled to the tip of his chin.
Seokjin can’t help but let his sight flicker up to Namjoon’s lips, and there’s a brief moment where he thinks he should just lean over and kiss them, because they look awfully inviting. Of course, he curbs his desire after a second, remembering their boundaries. There’s a million places on Seokjin’s face that Namjoon has kissed, but his lips has never been one of them. Which has always been fine with Seokjin, because while cheek kisses are something he’d do with any member of the band, lip kisses were more intimate, weren’t they?
Seokjin blinks. Wonders when he started imagining such intimate scenes with Namjoon. Then he blinks again, and stares at the position Namjoon and him are in, and tries to figure out which part of it isn’t intimate. His mind becomes empty except for the thought of Namjoon’s lips, and while Seokjin respects the boundaries Namjoon has set up for them, the urge to kiss Namjoon is suddenly too strong - for reasons Seokjin can’t understand - and he knows he has to do something about it before the tugging at his heart becomes too much.
With his fingers still fumbling with the fabric of Namjoon’s scarf, he quickly rearranges the scarf so it’s less hidden in the neck of his jacket, and more so covering his face. Covering his unprotected lips, but even with the scarf now tucked just below his nose, Seokjin can see the outline of Namjoon’s lips against the fabric and before he can think about it anymore, he leans forward and kisses the scarf, right where Namjoon’s lips are waiting below.
The scarf is thick, but not thick enough to hide the way Namjoon’s lips part, forming an ‘o’. Seokjin barely feels the movement against his lips, pulling away almost instantaneously. He thinks he’s supposed to be full of regret, but the heavy feeling that settles in his chest is something completely different.
“C’mon babe, let’s go home,” Namjoon says, not sounding upset to Seokjin’s relief.
The walk back is far too quick, and Seokjin all but whines when they arrived home, glaring at the front door. It’s already bad enough that Namjoon stopped holding his hand as soon as they got close to home, but now he has to come to the reality that Namjoon won’t be by his side like this for a whole another year, and he tries to think about why it upsets him so much.
“Now, that door did absolutely nothing to you,” Namjoon teases, flicking Seokjin’s forehead when he catches his glare. It only causes Seokjin to focus his glare on Namjoon instead, though all the spiteful emotions melt away when his eyes land on Namjoon’s smile. When Namjoon sees Seokjin’s face softens, he mirrors the action, the corners of his eyes crinkling when he smiles at Seokjin.
“No, I suppose it didn’t,” Seokjin admits with a sigh, because he knows it’s not the doors fault the night has to end. Trying to keep it light, Seokjin says, “Thanks for the night, babe. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” With a softer voice, he adds, “good night, Namjoon.”
They always say goodbye before they enter the apartment again, their best attempt at keeping everything private from the other member’s. There’s no way the others haven’t figured out the details of Seokjin’s and Namjoon’s birthday arrangement, but they have to find some line to end the games at, draw a line to determine when the fantasy ends and reality starts.
“Good night, hyung,” Namjoon says, before leaning over to press a kiss to Seokjin’s forehead. There Namjoon goes again, breaking all the rules. Reverting to calling each other by their actual names, dropping the pet names - it’s all part of their cues that the night has ended, that Namjoon’s silly gift of an annual boyfriend is done for the year.
But there Namjoon goes, daring to say Seokjin’s name so softly, his kiss even softer, and Seokjin wants to scream because he can’t figure out why it bothers him so much, why every little thing Namjoon does has him so aware .
It all clicks when Namjoon drags his lips from Seokjin’s forehead to his ear, and whispers the quietest, “‘love you, hyung.”
It’s crazy, how fast everything makes sense to Seokjin, just from Namjoon’s words whispered into his ear. And he knows, knows it’s just part of the act that Namjoon has become worse and worse about drawing the line at, but that’s not what matters to Seokjin at the moment.
What matters is that he realizes the feeling that’s been gnawing at his heart for years now is love. He’s in love with Namjoon .
He pulls away from Namjoon’s hold, grabbing Namjoon by the shoulders. The movement is jerky, and catches Namjoon by surprise, but Seokjin wants to say it back before it’s too late. He can’t say it once Namjoon walks away, because he can’t put that kind of burden on Namjoon. But for tonight, just for his birthday, he wants to be able to tell Namjoon he loves him, before once again, Namjoon stops being his boyfriend and he has to wait a whole year.
“Namjoon, I-” he stops his words. The words are for Namjoon, but he can’t dare direct them at Namjoon, his band member who he stands by every day. He has to pretend, just to fool Namjoon (and maybe himself) that his love is for Namjoon, the guy who becomes his boyfriend for one day out of the entire year. “ Babe . I-”
The words are eager to leave Seokjin’s mouth, but his lips are barely parted when there’s suddenly a finger covering them.
“Don’t be cruel, hyung.”
Seokjin barely has time to register the words in his head before Namjoon is walking away, leaving him outside the apartment with a rejected confession on the tip of his tongue.
And One. 2019
“Don’t be cruel, hyung .”
Seokjin wonders when the words are supposed to stop echoing in his head.
They don’t talk about it - of course they don’t talk about it. It’d be too ideal, for Seokjin to force Namjoon to sit down and listen to him. Talk like two adults. In an ideal world, maybe Seokjin could explain his feelings to Namjoon, and maybe Namjoon would - at least - respect them. Not shut him down with a single finger pressed to his lips.
But it’s not an ideal world, and more than ever, Seokjin feels like he’s drowning in his job. Or more so, he’s trying to drown himself in his job. Even with the break the group got to take after years of working hard, Seokjin feels the overwhelming need to push himself further. Whether the push forward is motivated by his desire to reach his goals rather than running away from the problems plaguing his mind, he can’t answer.
There’s only so much running Seokjin can do though, and it’s late at night when his thoughts come to haunt him. Usually, he’s tired enough that he can let weariness take the wheel and block all unwanted emotions or feelings, but it’s his birthday, and even after a tiring performance (and all the times they had to stand up and walk to the stage to accept their award) at MAMA’s, Seokjin’s mind wanders.
He’s not mad that he had to spend his birthday at an award’s show. It’s not unheard of, and Seokjin has already sacrificed too much of his lifestyle to the job to be bothered by something like that. Besides, earlier in the day he was able to shortly celebrate with the member’s on VLive, and now that he’s on his twenty-eighth birthday, he’s plenty satisfied with less reminders of how old he’s getting.
He turns to his side in bed, sighing into the pillow. It’s his pillow, the one that he has to bring everywhere, and in a sense, it does allow him to pretend that he’s at home and not at some random hotel in Tokyo. But it’s not the familiar piece of home that he wants in his bed, and he sighs again when he remembers that every member got their own room tonight, to guarantee a good night’s rest. Except Seokjin can’t rest well, not when he knows Namjoon’s sleeping peacefully just a wall over, completely unaware that there’s only an hour until the fourth of December is over.
The pillow Seokjin hugs isn’t enough - no amount of pillows and blankets can make the bed feel warm, and in a fully furnished room, Seokjin can’t help but note how empty everything feels.
He flips onto his side, and instead of finding another bed with another member laying in it, he’s stuck staring out the window, the night sky lit with the lights of the surrounding buildings. It’s lively, paired with the sound of the cars passing by on the streets and drunk strangers declaring their emotions to the moon. All a reminder that the world is spinning, the clock is ticking, and Seokjin can feel himself running out of time.
It hits him in an instant, and he’s jumping out of bed before he can stop himself. He reaches to change out of his pajamas into normal clothes, but by the time he grabs a shirt he realizes how long it’s going to take - too long - and he chucks the shirt across the room and rushes to the door, throwing it open and preparing to knock on Namjoon’s hotel door and declare his love for Namjoon, beg that Namjoon let’s him be selfish just one more year. Maybe apologize for not realizing sooner - maybe Seokjin could’ve cut it off then before he became too invested, too addicted to all things Namjoon. He wonders that even without their silly date each year if Seokjin would’ve eventually realized how much he loves Namjoon.
The confession is loud in his heart as the door slams open, but the words get caught in his throat when he sees who’s standing just right outside.
“Namjoon,” he says, name rolling off the tongue like it’s the only word he knows, breathing the word out as if it’s his last. And it feels like it might, with Namjoon dressed up in a white t-shirt that’s tucked into tight jeans, hair a fluffy mess on top of his head after all the gunk from the performance was washed out. It’s really not fair, Namjoon showing up at his door less than an hour before the day ends, looking stupidly handsome - stupid in a way because Seokjin wants to touch, to reach out, to hold Namjoon, but he can’t, he shouldn’t, but he wants to-
And it only gets worse with Namjoon’s small smile, still prominent enough to make his dimple appear, and it’s cute enough that Seokjin almost - almost - misses the bouquet of pink roses Namjoon has bundled in his hands.
For a moment, Seokjin’s heart holds all the hope in the world as he lets Namjoon into his hotel room wordlessly, breathlessly. But then Namjoon says, “Happy birthday, babe,” and leans over to kiss Seokjin’s cheek like it’s absolutely nothing, and he thinks he might as well have thrown his heart against the wall, the way it shatters. It’s still their game. Namjoon’s stupid birthday gift, the one that Seokjin used to love and now can’t help but hate, because he’s not interested in once a year.
He lets the door close behind Namjoon, and he promises not to let it open again until he’s finally shared everything with Namjoon.
“Namjoon, I love you,” Seokjin blurts. The words come out rushed and sloppy, not at all like Seokjin wants them to. But he wants to say it before Namjoon looks away from him, before he quiets him once again with the touch of a finger.
Like the first time Seokjin tried to say it, Namjoon’s expression quickly turns blank. But this time Seokjin can see the twitch of his eyebrow, like he’s trying to hold back how he really feels. Disgust? It’s hard to believe that when Namjoon has been nothing but sweet to Seokjin. But it doesn’t look like Seokjin’s confession gave Namjoon the same feeling of lightness like Namjoon’s ‘I love you’ gave to Seokjin. He wonders if Namjoon would accept his words, just like he accepts everything else in their stupid dating arrangement, if Seokjin didn’t have to sound so sincere while saying them. Not that Seokjin thinks he could hold back the emotion that sings in his chest as the confession spills from his mouth.
“Please don’t say that,” Namjoon says, and it’s hard to miss the way his voice cracks at the end. “Anything else but that, hyung.”
“Why?” Seokjin demands, knowing that Namjoon has every right to not want to hear Seokjin’s burdening confession. They’re supposed to be bandmates, they’re supposed to be friends, and for today, they’re supposed to be boyfriends. “It’s my birthday, right? You can’t just expect to show up at my door with flowers, kiss my cheek, and not expect me to feel anything about it.”
Namjoon’s jaw tenses, and he gently places the flowers down on the side table before taking a seat on Seokjin’s bed. Usually, Seokjin would yell at him for sitting on his clean sheets with his dirty clothes, but it’s the last thing on his mind and he watches Namjoon struggle to find him words, biting his lower lip.
“That’s different, hyung,” Namjoon finally says, hands wrung together in his lap. “Things like that… You can’t just say them so casually.”
Seokjin narrows his eyes at Namjoon, frowning. “Why not? What’s wrong with it?” He glances at the flowers, flat on the table. Already, a petal has fallen off, a reminder of their limited time. Seokjin wonders if Namjoon and him are like the bouquet of flowers, cut off from their point of growth years ago, with only the option of withering remaining.
“I can only take so much, hyung,” Namjoon whispers, staring at his hands.
Seokjin groans, throwing his head back. He stops his foot in frustration. “Namjoon, what does that even mean?” He knows he’s losing track of his goal, to force Namjoon to know his feelings. The limbo they’re playing in feels too dangerous, yet Seokjin can’t help but achingly wonder what would’ve happened if he could’ve kept his mouth shut. Would Namjoon keep pretending to love him?
“It means there’s some things you shouldn’t say if you don’t mean it, and that’s one of them,” Namjoon says, voice raising. Not quite shouting, but a volume that has enough strength to it that Seokjin can tell Namjoon is on his last few straws.
Seokjin has drawn all his straws what feels like years ago, and now he’s grasping onto nothing, words tumbling out of his mouth without any thoughts.
“But you said it!”
Namjoon freezes, the leg he was bouncing coming to a sudden stop. Then he stands up, head low as he heads for the door. “I think I should go,” he murmurs. Seokjin has zero intentions of letting him do so, quickly stepping out and grabbing Namjoon by the shoulder, flipping him around so he has to look Seokjin in the eye.
Every ounce of anger seeps out of Seokjin when he sees Namjoon’s glassy eyes, and he asks breathlessly, “Why are you running away?”
Namjoon stares at Seokjin, expression torn. His gaze darts to the door, like he’s still considering running away, and Seokjin tightens his grip on Namjoon’s shoulder. Partially to keep him there, and partially because the feeling of Namjoon underneath his hand feels like home, and he wants to do anything to stop himself from being forced to let go.
Namjoon sighs, a little wet, and runs a hand through his hair.
“Because when I say I love you, I mean it, hyung.”
He lets out a shaky laugh, one that Seokjin barely catches, the words I love you echoing so loudly in his head that his grip on Namjoon tightens even more, and he can feel his nails digging into Namjoon’s shoulder but both of them are past noticing.
“You love me?” Seokjin manages, voice choking on the words. His heart races in his chest, and when he gives into the temptation and lowers his hand to lay flat against Namjoon’s chest, he can feel the rapid beating of his heart as well.
“I mean,” Namjoon laughs nervously, “what kind of guy would seriously volunteer to date his friend to save him from loneliness?
Seokjin purses his lips, unable to believe what Namjoon’s trying to imply. He thinks back to all those years ago, when Namjoon had teasingly offered to take Seokjin on a date. I don’t want you to be lonely, hyung. The memory is burned into his mind, the small smile Namjoon had worn, the sadness it hinted. As if Namjoon had been in love with him the entire time.
Seokjin shakes his head. “It could’ve been the type of guy who was just being a nice person.” A nice person. That’s what Namjoon is, and so much more. So much more, to Seokjin.
Namjoon snorts. “Try a selfish guy who took advantage of the situation so he could see what it’d be like to go on a date with his crush.”
“Why didn’t you just try asking me like normal?” Seokjin pictures Namjoon asking him out, for real, and he thinks his heart might jump out of his chest.
“Would you have said yes?” Namjoon asks in a way that suggests he definitely does not think Seokjin would’ve said yes, and Seokjin thinks maybe he’s right. It’s been too many years, and while he has no idea what twenty-three year old Seokjin would’ve had to say to an actual date with Namjoon, twenty-eight Seokjin has a pretty good idea.
“Well, probably not. I didn’t know back then, after all.”
Namjoon freezes. “ Back then ,” he repeats, blankly.
“It took me too long to figure out, but I think,” Seokjin smiles, “it would take a little more than being young and stupid to agree to your best friend asking you out to save him from lonliness, don’t you think?”
“Hyung, what are you saying?” There’s a mix of hope and doubt in Namjoon’s expression, and he reaches out with both hands, slowly, cupping Seokjin’s face gently like he’s afraid he’ll shatter in his hands.
“Haven’t you been listening, Namjoonie?” Seokjin teases, though he feels his entire body shaking, sensing how much is changing, how the world is spinning on an axis Seokjin’s never even heard of. “I’m saying I love you.”
“I love you,” Namjoon echos. Once, and then twice, and by the third time he says it his smile is so big that it looks ready to fall off.
Namjoon’s hand travels from Seokjin’s cheeks downward, fingers brushing against Seokjin’s lip in a reminiscent touch - except they don’t move. Pressing down firmly with his index finger, Namjoon whispers, “right here,” he takes a deep breath, voice slightly wobbly, “can I kiss you?”
This time Seokjin doesn’t justify answering in any other way than grabbing Namjoon by his shirt and pulling him close until their lips crash together.
It’s not sexy nor particularly romantic, the way their teeth clang against each other painfully and they both grunt slightly at the impact. It’s nothing close to perfect, but Seokjin finds himself melting into the kiss anyway, relaxing against Namjoon as he guides his lips open, eliciting a small gasp when Namjoon nibbles on his bottom lip.
They slowly move from where they’re standing to fall onto the bed, Seokjin’s back hitting the bed with a thud and Namjoon following closely behind him, pinning him to the bed. Seokjin reaches out to Namjoon - just to touch him knowing he can - and his hands slip under the fabric of Namjoon’s shirt, feeling the expanse of Namjoon’s back. It’s embarrassing, his need to feel Namjoon underneath his hands, and the only thing that relieves his shame is Namjoon being no different, breaking away from Seokjin’s lips only to tug at the button of his shirt with furrowed brows, annoyed that the shirt is still there. A second later, the shirt is gone, Namjoon’s shirt following suit only a few moments later.
“I love you, hyung,” Namjoon murmurs against Seokjin’s neck, leaving a trail of hot kisses as he travels downward. A kiss to his neck, a kiss to his sternum. A kiss to his collarbone that lingers, breath catching in Seokjin’s throat when he feels the scrape of teeth against his skin. He only remembers to scold Namjoon after it’s too late, a faint bruise already beginning to bloom on his skin.
“Hey!” Seokjin protests, glaring at Namjoon’s cheeky smile. “We have a photoshoot coming up! How am I supposed to explain this to the makeup ladies?”
“Explain that they’ll have to get used to them, because your boyfriend likes how they look on you,” Namjoon says, moving on to another spot on Seokjin’s chest.
“They’ll be there for days!” Seokjin grumbles, doing absolutely nothing to stop Namjoon from leaving another hickey, rather encouraging it by the way he buries his hands in Namjoon’s hair.
“And so will I,” Namjoon says, pulling away to admire his handiwork, then to bring his gaze back to Seokjin’s face so he can look him in the eye. “I’ll be here everyday if you’ll let me.”
“Every day?”
“Every day,” Namjoon confirms, leaning down to kiss Seokjin. “Today, tomorrow, and the day after that. This month, next month, this year, next year, every year from now on, I’ll be yours.”
It’s a lot to take in, especially when Namjoon keeps distracting him with kisses, which is exactly why Seokjin jokes, “Geez, Namjoonie, that sounds a lot like a proposal to me.” And then he wants to slap himself, because they’ve barely been making out for five minutes and here Seokjin is, already jumping on the topic of marriage and-
“That wasn’t my intention, but I think it’s a great idea,” Namjoon says, laughing as he traces the blush traveling up Seokjin’s chest, leaving his skin flushed. “How about it, babe? We’ve already been dating for over five years, don’t you think it’s time we fly to America and go get hitched?”
Seokjin throws Namjoon off the bed, pouting as Namjoon laughs loudly at his overreaction. He only refuses to let Namjoon get back in bed two times, finally allowing for Namjoon to slip in underneath the covers with him. The laughter bubbles down, but the warmth remains, trapped underneath the blankets as Seokjin and Namjoon stay pressed against each other.
And every year, every month, every day: they love each other.