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Alec rolled over and listened to the stillness of the room. He knew something had awoken him, but he didn’t feel threatened. After a few more seconds, he knew what it was. “What do you want?”
Magnus stepped forward out of the shadows and approached the bed. He waved his arm and the bedside lamp flickered on and illuminated the room in a soft glow. “I want to know why my husband did not come home tonight.”
Alec sat up, gathering the blankets in his lap. He usually slept naked but had opted to sleep in his t-shirt and boxer briefs since he was staying at his mom’s apartment. Despite being clothed, he still wanted the extra layer of perceived security that the bed covers provided. “Probably because you told me to leave.”
“I asked you to leave because of the things you were saying. I was hoping you would return once you had calmed down.”
Alec shook his head. “We’ve fought before, and you have never told me to leave.”
“And you’ve never been intentionally cruel before,” Magnus replied as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Alec stared up at him and tried to figure out why he was here. Magnus didn’t appear angry. In fact, he seemed unsure of himself as he stayed a few steps back with his arms wrapped around himself. “I told you how I felt. When is being honest cruel?”
“In what reality is any of what you said true?”
Alec didn’t want to do this. He’d spent hours getting himself to the point where he didn’t feel as if his heart had been carved out, and now Magnus was here with blade in hand. “Just go,” he whispered. He may have been harsh in how he’d said it, but it was the truth. And Magnus’s insistence that Alec had been overreacting had only stirred up his anger.
“Alexander, you’re not being fair.”
Alec looked up, ready to snap back at Magnus but the words faded away when he saw the moisture gathering in his eyes. “I’m not stopping you. You asked me to leave, and I did.”
Magnus made a sound in his throat and dropped his arms to his side. “Why are you being so difficult? I know you. You’re not like this.”
“Be honest. If I wasn’t around, would you be with Adele again?”
Magnus stared at him, and the tears finally fell. “No. I can’t believe I even have to say the words.”
“What did you expect, Magnus? You spent the past week treating me like a stranger. I watched this woman flirt with you in what I thought was our home, and you didn’t seem to mind at all. You did everything but come out and say that you didn’t want me around, until today when you actually said it.”
Magnus sighed and brushed the tears from his cheeks. He still didn’t make any effort to come any closer. “Adele has always been flirtatious. And she talks about the good time we had because that’s all it was, a good time. We had fun together. She’s not one for staying for the long haul. Even Sophia is more like a little sister to her than a child. The idea of a long-term family relationship is novel to her because she’s never done it. She always leaves instead of putting in the hard work that comes with relationships. It’s why I never even pursued any type of long-term relationship with her. As for the flirting, it’s harmless. It’s just what she does. It’s just how we interact. I didn’t think my behavior was flirtatious or inappropriate. But you’re right. I knew she was flirting, and I didn’t stop her. I really didn’t think it was an issue.”
Alec shook his head. Magnus’s explanation didn’t make him feel any better. He wished he’d gotten up and put on his pants. He already felt raw and exposed, even more so sitting in bed in his underwear. This was the only relationship he’d ever been in, and he felt as if he wasn’t measuring up against the others who had been with Magnus. “You didn’t care about how that might make me feel?”
“I really didn’t realize you had a problem with it. I was more focused on Sophia. She’s coming into her teenage years, and she hasn’t had the best influence in her life. I wanted to form a connection with her, to be someone positive in her life.”
“But when I told you how I felt, you just dismissed me like my feelings didn’t matter at all.”
“Admittedly, I could have handled that conversation better.” Magnus sat on the edge of the bed, keeping a good distance between them. “I was upset that you thought I would do that to you. I was hurt that you didn’t have faith in me. I recognized that you were feeling a little insecure, but you accused me of being unfaithful. You know my history. I’ve trusted you in ways I have never trusted another soul. For you to doubt me hurt in a way I didn’t even know was possible. I asked you to leave because I didn’t want something to be said that couldn’t be undone.”
Alec didn’t know how to feel. He heard the words, and, on some level, they made sense, but this awful feeling wouldn’t go away. And he was scared it never would.
“I told Adele that a family emergency came up, and I asked Catarina if she could work with her instead,” Magnus said.
And if that didn’t make him feel like shit after Magnus had just finished saying that he’d hoped to forge a relationship with Sophia. He wondered how he would feel if a stranger came between him and Madzie. He would hate it. He considered Madzie to be a part of his family, and Magnus considered the Downworlders under his care to be his family.
“Alexander?”
“I don’t like this,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose or give up someone just to be with me.”
Magnus shook his head and reached out towards him before dropping his arm. “I don’t feel like I have to choose. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I’ve waited a lifetime for someone like you. There isn’t anyone else I trust with my heart. You care about all of me, not just the good times or flashy demeanor. You stayed by my side when I lost my magic, and you still wanted me. If I was going to have a family and raise children, you’re the only one I’d want to do it with.”
Alec sniffed back the tears that were trying to spill. This is what he needed to hear earlier. Granted, he may have come across heavy-handed in expressing his hurt and put Magnus on the defensive. He could admit that he helped make a bad situation worse. But he still didn’t know how to get past this pain he was still feeling. He’d wanted to take Magnus’s hand when he reached for him, but he didn’t know how to let himself be vulnerable again.
“I’m scared,” he finally admitted. “This week hurt so much. I thought I was losing you. When you were in Edom, I didn’t know how to get you back, only that I would. I knew I would be with you one way or the other. With this, though, I didn’t know if I was enough.”
Magnus held out his arm again with is hand open in invitation. “Husband, you are everything I want.”
The reminder that Magnus had chosen him soothed some of his doubts but not all of them. “Where do we go from here?” he asked, reaching out and taking hold of Magnus’s hand. He didn’t expect the warmth he felt from that simple touch. The emotions he had tried so hard not to feel were pushing towards the surface. Alec had forgotten that he could feel such affection from simply holding hands. He wiped his eyes with his free hand.
“First I apologize. I’m so sorry that my words and actions hurt you. You are truly the last person I ever want to cause pain. Please forgive me.”
Alec could hear the uncertainty in his voice and realized that Magnus was scared as well. “Of course, I forgive you. I never thought you were purposely trying to hurt me.”
“You just thought I’d realized I’d made a mistake and that I’d be happier with Adele,” Magnus stated. “I apologize for allowing that misconception to take root and grow. There shouldn’t be any doubts to my intentions and love for you.”
Alec could feel the wall crumbling. He was still scared, but he didn’t want to risk creating more distance between them. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”
“Now that I know where you’re coming from, I understand, but I do hope you believe me when I say you’re the one I want.”
“I do.” Knowing that Magnus was taking his cues from him, Alec tugged on his hand and pulled Magnus towards him. The hug was awkward with the way they had been sitting, but Alec didn’t care. He didn’t ever want to let go.
Magnus pulled back and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. “Do you want to go home?”
Alec couldn’t help but tense up at the question. “Would you be upset if I wasn’t ready to go back right now?” He could see the sadness in Magnus’s eyes despite the smile he gave him.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“In the morning. If we go back now….” Alec trailed off. He felt better, but the ache wasn’t gone yet. He knew it would take time for him to come to terms with his own insecurities as well, but for now, he just wanted to concentrate on being with Magnus.
“Do you want me to stay?” Magnus asked.
“Very much so,” Alec said. He waited for Magnus to slip out of his clothes and join him in bed.
Being wrapped in his husband’s arms was everything he wanted, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t quiet the voice in his head that kept whispering ‘what if’.