Chapter Text
Charlotte lent her forehead against the window of the chamber she shared with Allison and stared out unseeingly at the dark sky, as she sat perched on the deep sill. Her candle flickered from the slight draught sending shadows across the room as she wrapped her shawl closer around her. Allison had long since fallen asleep but Charlotte had used the excuse of wanting to finish her book as reason for staying awake but in reality it was the time of day that she allowed herself to think and remember.
During the day she worked at her chores trying to stem the tide of heartache that threatened to overwhelm her. Keeping busy meant she had less time to think and also avoided the searching gaze of Mrs Heywood who was aware that something troubled her eldest daughter but was waiting for Charlotte to confide in her as she had always done in the past.
But this time Charlotte could not open her heart to her mother for fear of unleashing such feelings that she feared she may never recover from. No, she reasoned, better to suffer in silence than to grieve her family as well. Though at night, she would gaze at the stars over the clear skies of Willingden and wonder at what might have been. Did Sidney look up at the same night sky; did he ever think of her? Did his heart ache as Charlotte’s did, when every breath in was a dull physical pain? She half hoped it did not, that Sidney had moved on, had rekindled his love for Mrs Campion. After all, Charlotte loved him; she wished him happiness didn’t she? Or did that dark part of her heart hope that he still loved only her; pined for her?
Charlotte almost snorted; she really could not imagine Sidney pining for anything. It didn’t seem in character for him, after all he was not a hero from one of her romantic novels, although these days she could not bear to read them. Behind her she heard a rustling, as Allison moved in her sleep. She sighed quietly - three months; it had been nearly three months yet still thoughts of what might have been consumed her. If only he had proposed when they had kissed on the cliffs - surely he had thought about it. Charlotte had been so giddy with joy and love that she could barely recall what they’d discussed on the walk back to Sanditon. Where had fearless, outspoken Charlotte gone to in that moment, why hadn’t she asked what his intentions were? After all, he was a man of the world, a man with experience. Foolish, naive girl that she was, she had floated along in a haze of happiness, thinking they had all the time in the world and there was no doubt of their feelings for each other. But...but Sidney had never told her that he loved her, had never said those words out loud. Oh yes, his eyes, those dark pools of intensity, had certainly implied deep feelings but perhaps she had been mistaken? On the balcony at the assembly rooms, she had been so sure, she had been holding her breath waiting for him to finish speaking. For the thousandth time she cursed Sir Edward anew and his wretched interruption. Yet still she felt the full force of the irony - having previously berated Sidney for being taciturn and uncommunicative, the one time he had begun what seemed to be a heartfelt and romantic speech, was the only time she had most wished he would get to the point! If only, if only ... they would have been engaged and Sidney was a gentleman, he would not go back on his word. Though would Charlotte have released him, knowing that Tom faced ruin and possibly prison, with Sidney being his only chance? Would she have stepped aside to aid Mary and the children who meant so much to her?
Charlotte shook her head, that line of thought did her no good. Sidney had never given her the option. She would never know how it could have been; women never had a choice. This would be her lot in life, working on the farm, awaiting an opportunity to move forwards with her life. She glanced over at the letter on her dressing table that had arrived yesterday. It was from Lady Susan Worcester, inviting her to stay at her home in London over the Christmas season. ‘Do come’, Susan had written, ‘I am in need of lively company and you my dear, will fit the bill beautifully. I can promise you that we will make very merry in town and if your Mother can spare you till the end of January complete, I can promise that you will have no cause to repine my invitation. Say the word and I will have my carriage despatched forthwith.’
On reading the letter, Charlotte had at first thought to decline, worried that she may have occasion to see the Parkers in London. However, now she reasoned with herself – Lady Susan was of the first circles after all - the Parkers, whilst a respectable family were not; surely there would be little risk of paths crossing even if they were in London at all. With all the rebuilding required, assumedly Tom and Sidney would be in Sanditon. Mary’s most recent letter had not mentioned any plans to repair to London. Perhaps, she mused, she should reconsider Susan’s offer. Spending six weeks in London may be just the tonic she needs; a change of scene, diverting entertainments and a chance to escape her melancholy, if only for a while. After all, what would she do in Willingden during the short days of winter, but go mad with thoughts of ‘what if?’ ‘Have courage Charlotte’, she said to herself. She would go to London after all and experience all it had to offer. And perhaps, just perhaps, by the time the leaves were in bud and the snowdrops appeared, her heart would ache a little less. Time to take her first step forwards. Charlotte blew out the candle and crawled into bed next to Allison, her mind now more at ease for having made a decision, but her last thoughts were of Sidney as sleep claimed her, as they had been for so many nights since the heady days of midsummer.