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The first thing I became cognizant of was the soft motion of a driving taxi. I blinked, sat up slowly, and tried to figure out where on earth I was. Rain beat on the windshield as the taxi’s windshield wipers swished to and fro, revealing a rocky-walled canyon with each stroke. In front of me sat a strange green man. Wait… That’s not a man. That’s a… turtle? A green sign hovering behind it told me its name was Kapp’n. That’s strange…
“Welcome aboard!” I jumped at its sudden exclamation. Turtles aren’t supposed to talk. Are they? Apparently this Kapp’n hadn’t noticed my confusion, since it cheerfully continued with its seaman-like drawl. “Clear somethin’ up fer me, would ye? Today be October 11, 2014… And the time o’ day be 4:22 p.m., right?” In front of me appeared a box with the words “Yup!” and “No.” Is this what I can say? I tapped on “Yup!”
“Thank ye. I don’t trust this clock… I oughta send it to sleep with the fishies! Speakin’ o’ fishies, they could swim in this road… This rain be merciless!” Um… okay. Crazy talking turtle taxi driver. That was new.
I surveyed my options for responses and selected “I know!”
“Well, ‘tis a cryin’ shame, considerin’ ye came all the way out here… Gar, now, wait a moment, ye wee snappin’ turtle, I never got yer name!” Suddenly, a sign appeared before me, reading “What’s your name?” After a moment’s pause, I tapped out “Cassie”.
“Yar… Cassie, is it? So, fond o’ the name Cassie, are ye?”
Sure? “Yeah, it’s cute!”
“Yar, yar, that be a fine name, pure an’ true. It’s the perfect name for a perfect young lass. Young Miss Cassie...”
“Awww, thanks!” I replied. These speech options made me sound like an idiot.
“Oh, nar, how embarrasin’… I forgot to ask ye! … Whar ye be wishin’ to go?”
Another sign popped up: “Where you going?” You had got to be kidding. Had I seriously gotten myself into a cab driven by an insane turtle creature who didn’t even know where we were? God, was I stupid.
I tried to ignore the sign, but it hovered in front of my eyes regardless of where I looked. After many minutes of uncomfortable silence, I finally gave in, typing “Cooperton” in the appropriate box.
“Yar har HAR har har! Just a joke, ye barnacle! Cooperton, right?” Hilarious.
“Yeah! Duh!”
“So tell me, Cassie... What’re ye plannin’ on doin’ out in Cooperton? Ye learnin’ the ins an’ outs o’ interior decoratin’?”
What? “Butt out!”
“Oh, sorry lass. Ol’ Kapp’n just gets a bit curious at times.” The old turtle leaned forward, looking out the window. “Well, would ye look there! We’re almost at yer town!” Finally. I couldn’t wait to get out of that godforsaken taxi.
“Well, me dear Cassie, I know it’s heartbreakin’, but…” It sniffled and rubbed his eyes with the back of a scaly… arm? Leg? “Nar, nar, nar! I won’t say farewell! ‘Tis too painful!” It inhaled wetly. “Nar… At least the rain is lettin’ up… though a storm be ragin’ in me eyes…” I've known you for five minutes.
Darkness swallowed the cab as it passed through a tunnel. Before us, a wide, tree-speckled landscape came into view. As we made our way through the town, small houses passed by occasionally. Not much of a town.
“Yo ho ho, me hearty! We’ve come ashore!” Kapp’n announced as the cab pulled up in front of a large, stately building. “Here it is, Cassie! Yer fair an’ blessed kingdom… Cooperton! If ye got any questions, ye should head over to the town hall. They’ll help ye. Yar, time to part, milady… Farewell, Cassie!” I got out of the cab without saying a word – no need to encourage the crazy turtle.
I surveyed the town hall. If it was going to be anything like the drug-induced cab ride, I didn’t want to go in. I turned away for a second, then, cursing myself, I spun and walked through the wide double doors, dreading whatever was coming next. God help me.
*****
Three months later. Still trapped in this town. At first I thought I was insane, but no, Cooperton really is populated entirely by human-size animals. Well, except for me. Alone. Whenever I think of that cab ride, I wish I had screamed at Kapp’n to stop, gotten out of the car and run hard and fast to somewhere far, far away from Cooperton.
But I didn’t. And I’m here.
After my initial self-diagnosis of insanity, I began taking increasingly desperate measures to escape. At first, I stood by the bus stop hoping against hope that a bus would come, but one never did. Of course. After that, I tried to buy off Tom Nook, the owner of the general store, (who as it happened was a six-foot tall raccoon) so that he could find me a getaway car on the black market. But he would never deviate from the text provided for him, and as consequence I was forced to buy several useless but pretty house decorations. At one point, I got so desperate as to buy a message in a bottle and throw it into the sea, praying to a god I didn’t believe in to save me from this terrifying place.
Eventually, I gave up. I had fallen down the rabbit hole and I was never getting out.
That leads me to today. I choose to follow their rules only because I have no other choice. I pick apples and sell them to Tom Nook. I catch butterflies and donate them to the museum.
I keep myself going by promising that tomorrow, I will be freed of this nightmare. One day I will be able to live without a single animal crossing my path. But until that day, I dream of escaping this wild world and living with human city folk, where I can turn over a new, animal-free leaf.