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Seonghwa stared blankly at the clouds hanging above him. They drifted sluggishly as if trying to drag time. The thick pale vapor embraced him with its hollow present, leaving a cold and eerie ambiance. Yet it no longer became a bother. He has developed familiarity to the dark aura. He's been living in this shrine for centuries, watching human praying, wishing and hoping every day.
Seonghwa hated how somber this place has always been; with nothing but lanterns hanging above to illuminate the space. The moon didn’t shine the way it had to be. It only cast a faint glow to his reflection. Everything in this place seemed monotonous, as if the color slowly faded away, even the crimson red light coming from the lanterns he created couldn’t help how dismal the hole he lived in.
As time passed by, Seonghwa felt boredom creeping on his back. He had been watching people come and go, praying in this place with so many wishes. It had been his job since the beginning of time to protect the shrine yet he gradually felt lifeless. He often wondered if he had the right to feel emotion, yet his heart couldn’t lie. Seonghwa indeed felt dreadful.
He thinks humans waste their time too often in this ephemeral life when they have chances to do almost everything. How Seonghwa wished he could exchange role with them, even only for a day. Seonghwa realized he's been sighing a lot these days. He tried to do everything so the emptiness he felt could go away. It didn’t. It never went away. He tried to shift his position, went around the shrine so he had something to do. Everything remained the same, in the end, all he could do was watching and listening.
Things only changed when a certain crimson-haired boy, Hongjoong, started to come to the shrine. Seonghwa loves to write down Hongjoong's wishes, from the simple thing like hoping to pass an exam until the complicated one, happiness. Hongjoong surely loves to talk. He would pray as if he was talking to someone, a friend. He would tell how his day was. Then he would list all of his wishes, ending his prayer by saying he’d come here again as if he was visiting his friend’s house and not a shrine.
Seonghwa couldn’t help but feel sorry for the boy. He wished he could do something when things don’t go the way how Hongjoong had planned it yet he had no ability to change or create anything. Sometimes on the day when things started to bother him, Seonghwa wanted to just go down and tell Hongjoong how pointless those wishes were since Seonghwa could do nothing to make it come true. He didn’t have the power. He could only read the wishes and let it evaporate as the time went by or let it fly with the wind if it was summer.
Seonghwa was powerless, only looking glorious and distinct with his long white hair and unseen present. He’s no better than human, he's also trapped. Similar to those people who cannot leave the world, he cannot leave this place either. He will forever remain here. As the day changed into months and those months changed into year, Seonghwa kept sitting in the same place doing the same routine, watching the same people, doing nothing.
One day he watched Hongjoong's heart being broken by someone else. It was painful to see Hongjoong crying as if his world was being ripped apart. Seonghwa wanted to wipe his tears and tell him sweet nothing yet he could only stare, feeling the pain Hongjoong felt silently.
What’s the point of being divine when he can't make people happy? He could only blame himself every night, recalling all of Hongjoong's pain. The one he got from his father, his friends, his lover, himself. Yet all Seonghwa did was pray to the deep bottom sea, wishing the streams could ease the latter's pain. It was all meaningless. It sank down with the remaining hope he had.
It would be a lie if Seonghwa ever convinced himself that he's not lonely. The eyes of the truth bore deep inside, forcing him to confess that he's indeed feeling lonely. All those years spent alone watching people and conversing with nothingness has worn down on him. He craved interaction, he wanted to sit down and talk.
Even the stars that used to bring comfort have died down, the smile when he watches someone achieve their dreams in this fleeting life could never excite Seonghwa anymore.
The only exception of that matter was Hongjoong. The only time when his mouth would form line was when Hongjoong accomplished his goal or that time when Hongjoong’s songs finally had a hundred thousand listeners or when he got accepted into his first job. Then Seonghwa's smile would bloom. On those rare occasions, the space he's in finally was surrounded by artificial warmth, enough to prevent his soul from freezing if he ever had one.
Seonghwa wants nothing but to follow Hongjoong wherever he goes, watching him talk about nothing and everything, talking to him about life, but he’s trapped inside this shrine. Seonghwa could only wish things would be different, how ironic. He kept trying to go out yet whenever he touched the shrine gates, his skin burnt. Sometimes Seonghwa had to comfort himself that even if he could finally break free from the shrine, Hongjoong wouldn’t be able to see him.
Time went by and Seonghwa still dismally did his job, protecting the shrine. In the summer when the weather was nice, the universe belatedly worked in his favor. As if miracle really happened on a fine day, Seonghwa was finally able to get out. He couldn’t comprehend how but when he walked from the gate nothing happened. His skin didn’t feel like it was burnt by fire. Seonghwa would think he’s dreaming if he could sleep, but sleep was never his thing.
He was so excited. Many plans were flooding his mind. He could go everywhere and explore the world yet he ended up sitting on a tree branch, admiring the small park Hongjoong often mentioned when he was in the shrine. He would love to go further and do something yet he chose this place because he wanted to see Hongjoong. That way maybe he would sate his yearning and finally be happy.
Even though Seonghwa was able to wander around, he still could do nothing but watch people as usual. Divine beings weren’t allowed to interact with humans. That’s the unsaid rule. With displacement, Seonghwa sighed and diverted his gaze onto some kids who were busy playing hide and seek, wondering when Hongjoong would finally come.
A voice suddenly startled him.
"Why are you sitting up there?" Surprise was an understatement for Seonghwa as he jumped due to the voice.
He knew to whom the voice belonged to as he listened to it every day, wondering how it would sound up close.
"You, you can see me?" His voice was so hoarse, as he tried to keep his composure in front of the boy.
"What do you mean by you can see me. Of course I can see you." Emphasizing on the word can, Hongjoong's expression is akin to resentment.
"No i mean.. I.." Seonghwa was at loss of words.
This never happened before, human isn't supposed to see him and that led him to the next question, doesn't he look odd with long hair and white dress. But somehow he couldn’t feel the usual tingling when his hair brushed his nape.
"Do you have a mirror?” His sudden question surprised Hongjoong but the latter just shrugged and handled the mirror.
Seonghwa could directly see himself, he wore something similar to Hongjoong's, a white t-shirt and black ripped jeans, and his hair was on medium length. The only thing left that reminded him of his supposed being was only the color of his hair. It looked darker under the pale glow of the moonlight.
"So what are you doing there? Are you stalking someone?" The question hit Seonghwa. He’s been stalking people this whole time, it's his job.
"No, I... I just think that this place is nice. You know to get inspiration" He answered sheepishly.
"That’s odd."
Hongjoong seemed to contemplate, yet it wasn't long until he spoke again. "Anyway, I'm Hongjoong. What about you?"
Seonghwa wanted to say 'Yes i already knew you' but he knew for sure he couldn't do that. It’s a rare occasion so he shouldn't ruin this.
"I'm Seonghwa." Seonghwa replied, trying to show Hongjoong his best smile, yet he wasn’t sure if he knew how to do it properly. It might come as grimace since he never smiled in front of anyone.
"Mars?" Seonghwa just furrowed his brows in confusion. "You know, Seonghwa, Hwaseong so Mars?"
Right. Seonghwa didn’t even realize it; he's too busy with the divine until he's forgetting the mundane. "I guess the ones who named me love planets."
"You mean your parents?" Seonghwa just brushed the question with laughter. He couldn’t remember anything about his parents, does he even have one?
"Come on let's sit somewhere" Hongjoong offered with a smile. It made Seonghwa’s heart bloom with joy but at the same time it confused him.
"Aren't you scared of me? I don't think it's normal to feel comfortable around stranger."
Seonghwa knew Hongjoong is not someone who usually talks to random person, yet he's here, offering Seonghwa to sit somewhere more comfortable.
"I don't know why but I have a feeling you’re not a bad person. I think it's fine. It’s not like you're a murderer or a bad person, right? Or are you?"
"No, of course not. But there's no bad person in the world who would admit he or she is bad."
"There is no bad person who would say something you just said as well." Hongjoong laughed and Seonghwa felt a tingling sensation he never felt before.
"But..." He was about to argue further but Hongjoong suddenly grabbed his hand and dragged him to the nearest bench.
“So Seonghwa, tell me about yourself.” Hongjoong smiled softly, as he scooted closer to face Seonghwa.
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything but please skip the boring part.”
Seonghwa contemplated for a second, he’s been dreaming of talking to Hongjoong for years, wondering what he would say when he finally could face the boy, yet when he’s finally here, the words vanished into thin air. Too many choices flashed inside his head, yet nothing seemed to be right.
He couldn’t lie; he never planned to make up about his life since all scenarios that cross his mind were a mere brief meeting where he could only say one sentence at most. But he had time to actually tell story in front of Hongjoong, whose eyes hold spark that shines brighter when it is seen in person.
Seonghwa finally gave up to his insecurities. He wasn’t supposed to do this. Who knows what will happen if Seonghwa spends one more minute interacting with human.
“I don’t really have anything to tell, but please don’t go to the shrine today.” Seonghwa didn’t know exactly why he said that. Fear was taking over him. What he felt towards Hongjoong is wrong. He wasn’t supposed to feel anything akin to love. “I have to go now bye Hongjoong.” Seonghwa could only say goodbye in the end.
There’s nothing Seonghwa could do as he walked away. This wasn’t supposed to happen, this whole time he’s dreaming to ease Hongjoong’s pain, to see his smile in person but when it became reality, all he could think was how absurd this could be.
He couldn't merely be glad and accept the fact that Hongjoong can see him. He ran back to the shrine. Tears were welling in his eyes. Seonghwa never knew he’s capable of shedding tears yet he was, sitting under the tree, hugging his knees with tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Seonghwa?” Seonghwa tried so hard to ignore the voice calling his name for the nth times. He wished it was just his imagination but the person whom the voice belonged to was standing in front of him. Worries seemed to lace on his face. He hated seeing Hongjoong like this, especially when he knew he’s the one that cause it.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
Seonghwa had always known Hongjoong as a kindhearted, he would ask a random person if they were okay if he saw them crying just like now, he would help the elderly cross the street, or simply give a stray cat food yet he felt as if he doesn’t deserve any of this. This wasn’t supposed to be real, his fantasy, his pipe dream, all of it. He knew his place.
“Please Hongjoong just leave me alone. You’re not supposed to be here, to see me, just go. You have audition in an hour. Please don’t come praying here again even if you’re feeling down, I can do nothing about it. I can’t make your dream come true. I’m helpless and I can’t have this feeling for you. Please just leave me alone, you’re gonna fail your audition if you stay here with me. For your own sake please leave.” Tears were running down his cheeks as he said the words.
“Seonghwa what do you mean?” Confusion was clearly present on Hongjoong’s face as he kneeled down in front of him.
“Please, just go. Please. I’m fine, okay. I’m just a stranger why do you care about me that much. You shouldn’t be this kind; someone will use your kindness against you if you continue to do this.” He didn’t me to sound so harsh yet he had to make Hongjoong go.
“What? So what do you expect me to do? I just wanna help you.” Hongjoong felt dejected, Seonghwa could tell.
“You can’t help me and I can’t help you too.” His final words finally made Hongjoong slowly get up and walk away.
Watching Hongjoong left made his heart swell in an unpleasant way. Seonghwa didn’t even know he was capable of feeling this way. The pain was more hurtful than when he watched Hongjoong laugh to other person nor the time when he watched Hongjoong kiss a girl.
The pang of pain he felt was different. This time it seemed real, and it hurt Seonghwa. But he tried to convince himself that it was for good. He was terrified by his own feeling as it gradually gets stronger when the latter was in front of him. Divine beings should’ve fallen in love and Hongjoong shouldn’t have kept coming here and wasting his time with empty prayers.
As if fate despised him and the universe tried to conspire against him, Hongjoong never came to the shrine again. Seonghwa never heard his usual pray nor saw his face again.
Karma finally landed its hand on Seonghwa. He always wished Hongjoong to stop coming here and even told him that in person but when it finally happened, regret started to consume him.
He never thought that the latter would listen to him, yet he did. Seonghwa tried to think positively, maybe Hongjoong won the audition and finally got accepted to his dream company so he was busy and had no time to come here, yet nothing eased the pain.
Seonghwa wanted to ask the wind to deliver his apology. He wanted to ask the star to tell the boy his wishes. Tears were brimming in his eyes. Deep down he knew he would never get what he wanted. The wind would keep its composure, the stars could only blink and all Seonghwa could do was silently accept his loss. It was for good, he said it again to himself yet nothing numbed the hurt.
The sun and the moon could never rotate backward. Time would keep ticking as if regret was amusement. Seonghwa could only look down in agony and ponder what would happen if he never said what he said yesterday, maybe he’d still see Hongjoong here, with charms in his hand. He should be grateful that Hongjoong finally stop wasting his time here yet the feeling he felt wasn’t close to that.
In the midst of despair, Seonghwa wished if there were any higher divine, he wanted to see Hongjoong again. Even just looking at him from afar is enough. Seonghwa regretted all his wishes for wanting Hongjoong to stop praying. Now that karma struck right back at him. If Hongjoong ever came back he would do anything to grant his wishes. He would dive into the deepest sea for Hongjoong. He’d do anything to see the smile on the latter's face.
But Seonghwa had to move on. He wouldn’t grow old. Time would keep ticking and he'd keep watching, witnessing spring turns into fall, witnessing how people he’d watched die, nothing's changed, except there's a bigger hole inside his hollow heart, does he even have a heart?
Seonghwa just frowned. The lanterns above him shine even dimmer this night and for so long his smile never returned.