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All Buck wanted was to be back on the team and with his favourite people, and sure the lawsuit gave him the first part, being on the team again. But walking into the firehouse after being reinstated he realized his favourite people weren't all ready to welcome him with open arms.
Hen seemed genuinely happy to see him, always the understanding sister he could count on. Chim waited a day or two to warm up to him but Buck suspected it was more on principle than anything else. With Bobby it took a little more time and the Halloween windshield incident.
But Eddie. Eddie’s still nowhere near being ready to forgive Buck.
"You made your choice with that lawsuit, now I'm making mine", Eddie says when Buck tries to talk to him at the end of one shift. "Christopher doesn't need more heartbreak next time you find some reason to abandon us. I don’t want you to come near my son ever again,” he says slamming his locker shut before storming out to make his point.
Eddie leaves and Buck stays alone in the empty room, heartbroken. He’s been stupid enough to think it’d be easy, that their friendship was strong enough to resist everything. That Eddie would forgive him and somehow Buck even hoped they might go back to that path they were on before, that seemed to lead to becoming something else, something more than just friends. It seems that Eddie's chosen a different path, destroying Buck’s hopes on the way.
He understands Eddie though. Buck does blame himself for hurting Chris with all his grown up bullshit, and he gets that it’s too late to mend things with the Diaz family. It hurts like hell but now when he and Eddie work on the same shift Buck tries his best to avoid doing or saying anything that would upset Eddie even more. He talks less, with everyone, sticking to what's necessary to do his job. He watches his team from afar as they laugh and bond. He keeps his comments to himself when Maddie updates him with news about Eddie and Chris that she heard from Chim.
He switches his usual work out routine at the firehouse for push-ups at his place and going for runs outside, no matter the weather. He focuses on being the best at his job, because it’s all he has left. He did it before finding a family with the 118 so he tells himself there’s no reason he can’t do it again.
He mostly goes running in the parks around his neighbourhood, enjoying the quiet and the sunshine, watching people go about their day, old folks feeding ducks in the ponds, kids having fun on the playground. Occasionally he goes farther when he needs a change of scenery.
One day he finds himself at the park where he and Eddie used to go with Christopher, his feet having led him there without his brain noticing. He recognizes the huge tree they helped Chris climb, as up as he could. Buck barely holds his tears remembering the kid’s smile that day, the joy it brought to Buck’s heart and how perfect things were with Eddie then.
He slows down his pace, lost in the memories of what he’ll never have again, until some familiar faces catch his eyes. There, a few feet away from him, Carla is sitting on a bench watching Christopher play. The kid is going back and forth between Carla and a spot away on the grass, apparently showing her what he found on the ground. He’s smiling, like he always is and Buck misses being the recipient of that happiness.
There’s a pain kicking at his chest as he remembers that it’s his own fault he can’t see the kid anymore, and that he’s not even supposed to be near Chris. He starts walking backwards to get back on the pathway and to his running routine, taking one last look at the kid he loves so much before turning away.
“HEY,” Carla screams pointing to the far side of the playground and Buck turns his head back only to see some man grabbing Christopher and taking him away. The kid screams and tries to hit the man with his crutches but he ends up losing them in the unfair fight. Buck starts running toward Chris, not wasting time to think, only driven by the need to protect him at all cost. Without hesitation he tackles the man, hoping Chris won’t get hurt too badly in the process, knowing a few bruises are still better than being abducted by a stranger.
As Chris is on the ground calling Carla’s name between sobs, the man fights to make Buck let go of him, throwing punches as hard as he can, knocking Buck’s head against the concrete. Chris crawls to get closer and his face is the last thing Buck sees before passing out.
-
“We should stop meeting like this,” Buck says trying to joke. He’s woken up in a hospital bed again, his entire body hurting more than ever. Eddie’s sitting in the chair beside the bed, staring at his feet. “How’s Christopher?” Buck asks, the only thing that really matters to him.
“You shouldn't have been here,” Eddie says, and Buck feels his entire world crumbling down again. Not that he protected Christopher expecting for something in return, but he was hoping Eddie would may be a bit less resentful.
“I’m sorry Eddie, I swear I wasn’t stalking or anything I just went out for a run and I saw Carla and then this guy he--” there’s a lump in his throat thinking about what could’ve happened to Chris if that guy had managed to take him.
“Stop with the freaking apologies,” Eddie says, staring at his hands. He hasn’t looked Buck in the eye since he woke up, and Buck isn’t sure how much of Eddie’s anger he can take anymore.
“I was so angry, I didn’t think--,” Eddie whispers, “but now you’re back in the hospital and--”
“I’m fine Eddie,” Buck says, “you can stop pretending you care, really.”
Eddie’s head jolts up and he opens his mouth to answer but the doctor interrupts, coming in with a nurse to run a bunch of new tests.
“Visiting hours are over, sir,” the nurse says with a polite smile, “but you can come back tomorrow.”
“Don’t,’ Buck says. He doesn’t want Eddie to come back, he doesn’t want to have his heart broken one more time once Eddie’s pity fades and he’s back to just hating Buck.
-
“You got us really scared, you know?” Hen says sitting on the bed beside Buck, her hand resting over Buck’s hand, squeezing every now and then. She looks tired and worried, and Buck wants to tell her he’s fine, but he’s tired of lying. “Bobby and Chim are hunting for the best snacks from the vending machines, and I think your sister is fighting with the nurses to get access to your file to make sure they’re giving you the best care,” she laughs.
“That sounds like her,” Buck smiles with her. Now that he knows that Chris is okay, he just wants to go home and hide under his blankets but the doctors want to make sure the hit to his head is benign before they discharge him.
“What’s on your mind Buckaroo?” Hen asks when his smile fades and the sadness is back all over his face.
“I’m thinking about asking for a transfer,” he admits. He’s been thinking about it for a little while now, to make life easier for everyone. “Things are never gonna get better between me and Eddie, and it’s weighing on the entire team.” He wants to say that it’s mostly hard for him, that they don’t really seem affected by him being out of their inner circle, but it wouldn’t be fair to Hen to make her feel like she’s part of the problem. She’s not. Buck is, he’s responsible for all this so he should be the one leaving.
Hen remains silent for a moment. “What did he do this time?” she finally asks.
“This time?” Buck frowns, but Hen shakes her head, not answering, so he goes on. “He doesn’t want me around anymore, and I get why he can’t forgive me for the lawsuit but I can’t live like that, Hen. I can’t be just a shadow on the team, I need out.”
The door opens on Bobby and Chim, arms full of snacks, Maddie following in their footsteps, and Buck instantly puts on a wide smile to welcome them all, purposely ignoring Hen’s concerned looks.
-
Bobby manages to reach a compromise when Buck goes to him about transferring. He’ll make new schedules so he and Eddie don’t work together for a while, doing his best so they don’t even run into each other in the firehouse during shift changes. They’ll try his way for a while, see how it goes, if things can calm down between them.
Buck agrees, but as weeks go by he realizes it might hurt even more staying at the 118 without his usual partners, a daily reminder that he doesn’t belong here anymore.
“It’s not working Cap, I’m sorry,” he finally tells Bobby the week leading to Christmas. With the decorations everywhere, a reminder of the joy you’re supposed to feel this time of year, of the people you’re supposed to cherish, Buck feels more alone than ever.
-
“You know you’re the asshole in this, right?” Hen asks Eddie out of the blue, as they’re taking care of a woman who drove her bicycle into a Christmas decoration display on a sidewalk, knocking Christmas trees and people over in the process. It’s only minor injuries, but with a lot of trees to move and garlands to untangle if they want to reach the victims.
“What now?” Eddie blurts out. He’s spent the past weeks running on anger and guilt, at himself, at Buck and at the freaking universe who couldn’t give him a break for once. He doesn’t need a lecture on top of that, yet he senses said lecture is coming.
“He’s gonna leave the house because you’re unable to apologize for being a jerk,” Hen sums up quickly.
“Leave the house? We just work different hours, what are you talking about?”
“The schedule thing isn’t working, he’s asking for a transfer. To get away from you.”
“I never asked him to,” Eddie mumbles.
“Eddie, come on. First you called him selfish for wanting his job back,” Hen says, crouching next to the woman on the ground. “Then you lashed out at him in a grocery store because you couldn’t see each other for what, two days?” she says, checking the victim’s vitals. “You gave him the cold shoulder when he came back.” She points at a branch of tree blocking the woman’s leg for Eddie to move away. “Then you pushed him away after he saved your son from a kidnaper.” She smiles at the woman, “You’re gonna be fine miss, just a few scratches, but we’re still gonna take you to the hospital for some tests.” She turns back to Eddie. “How much longer did you expect him to put up with your toxic crap?”
“Wow, and I thought my marriage was a mess,” the woman says before Hen leads her towards the ambulance.
“Oh they’re not even married,” Eddie hears Hen say, and the woman gasps.
Eddie stands still, two branches and a few garlands in his hands. Hen’s right about many things, like he knows that even if he’s been trying to deny it he has been a jerk to Buck lately, letting his fear of being abandoned get to him. But she’s wrong about one thing. I didn’t push him away, he thinks. He’s the one who didn’t want me there. He puts the garlands on the sidewalk, thinking about the conversation he had with Buck that day at the hospital, but all he remembers is the devastating fear of losing Chris and, despite his resentment, the fear of losing Buck for good too.
Christopher had mostly small scratches on his arms where he fell, and one bigger on his face, but nothing major. He cried a lot, safe in Carla’s arms as they waited for help to get there and take care of him and Buck. He’d been scared but still a very resilient kid, and eventually even the nightmares of the first days had faded with time. After a while he even stopped asking for Buck, though he couldn’t really understand any of Eddie’s explanations for the man’s absence.
So Chris was safe but Buck could’ve had brain injuries and Eddie didn’t know how to deal. The fear of losing him wasn’t new. With the truck and the bomb and later the embolism, Eddie knew it wasn’t Buck’s fault. But that lawsuit, it was like Buck chose to push Eddie away, the same way Shannon had a few months before when she talked about divorce, and it made Eddie so angry, being rejected once again. But seeing him in that hospital bed, so vulnerable and covered in bruises, hearing the staff talk about blood loss and possible concussion, fearing for his friend’s life again... it made Eddie realize that he wasn’t angry at Buck for leaving, he was just terrible at saying how much he missed his best friend, how much he hated being apart from the man he was slowly falling for.
Buck may have pushed Eddie away at the hospital but Eddie had pushed him away first, even keeping him from seeing Christopher, and all for very stupid reasons. Now Eddie’s only hope is that it’s not too late to fix what he broke.
-
The knocking on the door gets louder as Buck comes down his stairs slowly, ready to yell at whoever woke him up that early on his day off. He’s spending the 25th on his own because everyone else is working, and part of him is relieved he can hide away and not have to pretend to feel the Christmas spirit this year.
All trace of annoyance fades though as soon as he sees Christopher’s face smiling at him, with Eddie behind him. For a moment he forgets he’s not supposed to see the kid, doesn’t question why they’re here.
“Hey buddy,” Buck says crouching down to give him the longest hug. “How are you? Let me look at you,” he says, cupping Christopher’s healed face, softly brushing along a single small scar with his thumb.
“Daddy says now I have a battle scar like him and like you,” Chris says smiling proudly, but his face falls quickly. “I missed you Buck,” he adds sniffing.
“I missed you too bud,” Buck says going for another hug, holding Chris tight against him. When he lets go, Eddie leads his son towards the couch, taking out some games they brought in Christopher’s favourite backpack.
Buck stays in the kitchen, completely lost on what he’s doing here, with Christopher of all people. It’s too good to be true, having them around again and Buck tries to slow the beating of his heart at the sight of the two people he misses like hell.
“What are you doing here?” he asks when Eddie walks back to him.
“You’re leaving,” Eddie says, not answering Buck’s question. “The 118? Hen said you asked for a transfer.”
Buck shrugs. “So? It’s not like you care, since you made it clear you don’t want me around.” All Buck wants is for Eddie to leave him alone, to let him go and grieve what they had and move on. But of course the man has to come and poke where it hurts.
“You’re the one who told me not to visit, at the hospital.”
“Yeah well you’re the one who told me to stay away from you and Chris in the first place.” Buck is tired of having to justify his choices, but it’s not like he can yell at Eddie to leave, with Christopher feets away from them.
“You’re right.” Eddie sighs. “You’re right and it took me way too long to understand that I was acting out of fear. I thought you didn’t care about us, with the lawsuit I thought you were abandoning us, just like Shannon before and I just-- I couldn’t handle it.”
“I did that to come back to you Eddie, that’s the exact opposite of abandoning you but you never let me explain that.” Buck looks at Eddie, the man clearly holding back some tears and Buck’s determination to end this conversation falters. He doesn’t think he’s seen him cry before, except for Shannon when his whole world shattered.
“I thought I wasn’t good enough for you to stay,” Eddie says, tears finally falling down his cheeks. “It was easier to be mad at you than to admit--” he shakes his head and takes a deep breath, “to admit how much I needed you in my life.” The words are more of a whisper now, filled with shame and Eddie looks so small and fragile, Buck has to stop himself from dragging him into a hug to comfort him. They don’t do that anymore. But Eddie stares at Buck, “I’m sorry,” he says and those words is all it takes for Buck to close the distance between them and throw his arms around Eddie.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Eddie says, again, and again, face buried in the crook of Buck’s neck. “Please forgive me.”
Buck pulls away, taking in Eddie’s face and his words, like a chant soothing the ache of those past weeks. “Thank you,” he says resting his forehead against Eddie’s, his eyes as filled with tears as his friend’s. He feels Eddie tilt his head, brushing their noses, feels Eddie’s lips pressed against his, the gentlest touch ever. He kisses him back just as slowly, reveling in the moment. the storm of those past months finally calming down.
They’re so lost into each other they don’t hear Christopher standing up from the couch and walking towards the kitchen. “Does this means you’re friends again?” he asks, and his voice has them jump in surprise and burst out in laughter.
Eddie clears his throat, looking at Buck who’s now smiling, for the first time in way too many days. Damn he missed that smile so much. “I guess so yes, mijo,” he says.
Christopher walks towards them, the biggest smile on his face. “Can we spend Christmas with Buck then?” he asks his dad and Buck sees Eddie’s face sadden instantly.
“You know I’m working today Chris,” Eddie says.
“I’m not,” Buck says, hoping he’s not rushing back too quickly into their past dynamic, where Eddie would let him take care of his son without hesitation. “I mean, if you’re okay with--”
Eddie nods and Christopher squeals of joy, holding out his arms for Buck to pick him up.
The kid is so happy to be reunited with Buck after so much time apart that he just clings to him all day, and Buck can’t say he minds. They play legos and board games in the morning, cook pasta for lunch then fall asleep watching cartoons.
“Can we bake cookies now?” Christopher asks when they wake up.
“Of course we can buddy,” Buck says and it feels like they’ve never been apart, like everything’s easy and familiar again.
It’s dark outside when Eddie comes back after his shift, frowning at the table covered in confettis, and the garlands hanging all over the apartment that he’s sure weren’t there in the morning.
“Chris made me dig up the box of decorations, said it wasn’t Christmas without them,” Buck explains with a smile before Eddie even open his mouth to ask. He keeps to himself that he hadn’t been in the mood to decorate this year, didn’t even bother buying a Christmas tree because nothing in his life made him want to celebrate.
“We made dinner too, if you wanna stay?” Buck asks. “Then maybe we can talk, about this morning, unless you prefer ignoring it.”
Eddie moves forward and presses a kiss on Buck’s lips. “Yes to dinner, and talking, no to ignoring it,” he says. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get my shit together Buck, but I’m here to stay, if you’ll have me.”
Buck kisses him back as a way to let him know that yes, he wants Eddie to stay, tonight and forever, starting with this one dinner.
It’s just a dinner, no fancy meal or anything, but it’s the three of them as a family and Buck doesn’t need more to feel his heart at peace again.