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Creatures of the night beware—Mike Newton is on to you, and he's going to kill you in your sleep.
Yeah, he heard that Jacob kid and Cullen talking in the parking lot after fifth period, and he knows all your secrets. He knows that Edward freaking Cullen is the bloodsucking spawn of Satan, and that all of his stupid siblings are in some kind of suck-sucky cult. They're just like those vampires from Underworld, living in their stupid gothic mansion and drinking the blood of innocents and having orgies with black leather and stuff. Not that he's ever seen Underworld, but that's not the freaking point.
The point is, this explains everything. It's not that Bella doesn't like him, it's just that she's been seduced by goddamn Lestat. Cullen probably reads her old-timey wuss poetry and dresses up in frilly shirts and uses Jedi mind tricks or something to get exactly what he wants. What's a nice normal guy got to go up against that? Yeah, Mike knows the answer to that question, and it sure as hell ain't prom.
For the record, he's over Bella. Over Jessica. Over Forks comma Washington, come to think of it. No, it's just typical of his life, that's all. He goes to class, he talks to her, tries to be a stand-up guy. He even defends her when she goes all psycho-quiet on everyone, but noooo, when he comes back she's all over the idiot who dumped her, because he has magic Dracula powers or some shit. Typical.
If Mike Newton was immortal he sure as hell wouldn't be spending one single second in public high school, he can tell you that much. No, Mike Newton would be somebody, like a detective maybe, but with superpowers. He would not be taking Calculus for the fiftieth time and then acting all superior when he knows every answer on the test. Mike Newton is not a jerk like that. Really, he's not a jerk at all.
But anyway, those undead freaks of nature are gonna rue the day they messed with him. He's a level 70 paladin on the Malfurion server, for one, but also he knows where they live. And Mike Newton fights for fucking justice, like Batman or that guy they read about in English class who got all freaky with Angelina Jolie. He's gonna slay himself some demons, that's for sure. With a chainsaw. His parents own a sporting goods store, so he's connected like that. Yeah, evil. Bet you didn't see that one coming.