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Jungkook watches Taehyung come in through the front door with something sitting heavy and suffocating in his heart. He doesn't say anything, doesn't dare make a sound as Taehyung makes his way across the dimly lit living room—taking no notice of Jungkook curled up on the couch—to the kitchen, and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. It's dark. It's late. It's dark and it's late and Jungkook's lips twist sourly at the thought of Taehyung staying out so late with Jimin. Jimin. Taehyung's new best friend. Jungkook almost scoffs.
They'd hit it off instantly—Jimin had quite literally bumped into Taehyung at a café and had spilled his drink on Taehyung (Jungkook's not quite sure how that's a good first impression, but apparently—as Taehyung had said when he first introduced them, standing by the living room entrance with a huge stain on his shirt and a beaming stranger standing behind him in the foyer—Jimin's a total sweetheart. He's not quite sure he can take Taehyung's word for it though, since Jimin keeps stealing Taehyung from him.) He's been hanging out with Jimin a lot lately, leaving Jungkook all alone at home. He can't count the many times Taehyung had suddenly left during their time together to hang out with Jimin—the plans that he had to cancel because Taehyung was too busy with Jimin.
He startles out of his own thoughts when he hears Taehyung slam the fridge door shut. Taehyung's just about to head upstairs when Jungkook decides to clear his throat then, catching Taehyung—who almost trips on the first step—off guard. "Jungkook. You're still up." He flashes him a small questioning smile, one hand resting on the end of the banister.
He's dressed nicely, Jungkook thinks, he has his expensive cologne on. Lip tint and his pretty rings.
Jungkook takes to scrutinizing Taehyung's face—darting from his puffy lips to his slightly glazed-over eyes and sparkling lashes, as he stands up from where he's seated on the couch and crosses the short distance to the stairs to stand in front of Taehyung. And suddenly Jungkook doesn't know why his mood had soured in the first place. Looking at Taehyung, all pretty-faced and sweet-smiled, he can't help but feel a sense of calm wash over him. He offers Taehyung a small smile that he hopes doesn't come off as too awkward. "You were out pretty late." He tries to say as casually as possible, but going by the way Taehyung's eyebrows pinch slightly, he sounds a little too probing and Jungkook almost winces.
"I was out with Jimin." Taehyung says, and Jungkook thinks he's imagining things when Taehyung shifts backwards slightly, away from Jungkook.
Right, that's why his mood had soured.
"Oh? Where-where did you guys go?"
The question seems to catch Taehyung off guard for a second, before a blush creeps up on Taehyung's cheeks, painting them a soft rose color that Jungkook thinks looks pretty on him even in the dim lighting. He almost misses the small smile that plays at Taehyung's lips. "He-uh. Took me out to dinner."
To dinner. Took him out to dinner. He took his Taehyungie out to dinner. Jimin took his Taehyung our to dinner—was it a date? Jungkook can't help the way his heart squeezes painfully. "That's—" he says around the sudden tightness of his throat. "that sounds nice." He smiles, but it only comes off as a grimace. There's a sting at the back of his eyes, and Jungkook wills it away by squeezing his eyes shut momentarily, pushes his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "I—I hope you had fun."
"I did." Taehyung almost sounds guilty as he says so, and he spares Jungkook a glance before making his way up the stairs.
Jungkook stands at the foot of the stairs, still and silent, and he doesn't realize it when hot tears trail down his cheeks.
He feels like a fool.
Where had things gone horribly wrong? How did things come to be this way, toeing around each other—too afraid of each other. He can't help the pained gasp he lets out, and he just hopes Taehyung can't hear him from his bedroom. He distinctly hears the water running, and he thinks Taehyung is probably taking a shower as he always does before bed.
It's just so unfair, Jungkook thinks, that Taehyung found it so easy to stop hanging out with him as much as he used to—how Taehyung so easily found someone else, someone to replace him. Had he done something wrong? Had it been wrong of him to fall for Taehyung, when Taehyung had made it so easy to fall for him? Taehyung and his sweet smiles and his warm hugs—his eyes that held the universe, eyes that only ever looked at him. Taehyung had made it so easy to fall in love with him but Jungkook wonders what had he done to make it so hard for Taehyung to fall in love with him. Everyone seemed to think that they'd end up together—growing up together, walking to school together every morning for more than a whole ten years, living in the same dorm room together when they had been in college, living together years after graduating. They said it was bound to happen, so why hadn't it happened yet?
Jungkook stands at the foot of the stairs, still and silent, and suddenly he's not. He turns his head in the direction of the stairs, and then he's making his way up the stairs, as quietly as possible. He hears the shower turn off, and he's close enough to Taehyung's bedroom door to hear the low creak of the en-suite bathroom door open and the soft padding of Taehyung's feet on the carpeted floor of his bedroom. He quells the urge to knock on the door, opting to stay silent for the few moments he knows it would take Taehyung to put on his robe and sit by his vanity—a routine he'd come to memorize.
He doesn't knock in the end, he doesn't call out to Taehyung either—he simply opens the door slowly, gives Taehyung the time to deny him entrance or stop him, and when he gets nothing, he opens the door wide enough for him to step inside wordlessly.
Just as he'd thought, Taehyung is sitting by his vanity, his hair damp and his face dewy with moisturizer. They both don't say anything for the first few moments—Taehyung going about his nightly skincare routine and Jungkook opting to watch him silently. He remembers a time when he'd be sitting across from Taehyung, the pads of his fingers gently smearing moisturizer onto a sleepy Taehyung's face, a gentle smile on his lips as he'd watch Taehyung slowly but surely doze off to sleep with his cheeks cradled gently in the palms of Jungkook's hand.
Now, Jungkook watches Taehyung do it alone, and he hates how this transition is so loud. That he can't share such intimate moments with Taehyung anymore.
"Is he really just a friend?" Jungkook speaks in-spite of his desire to keep quite, not ruin the moment with a reality he does't want to face. He catches Taehyung's gaze in the mirror, sees Taehyung's brows pinch in question, and he turns around to face Jungkook.
"Who?" Taehyung asks.
Jungkook steels himself, takes a deep breath before walking closer to Taehyung, and sits on the edge of Taehyung's bed. "Jimin," he says eventually, and he fiddles with his fingers in his lap. "He's more than just a friend, isn't he?"
Taehyung seems to be taken aback by the question, and he presses his lips firmly together in a straight line. Taehyung twists around in his vanity seat so that Jungkook's facing his side, and his hands fall easily into his lap. "He's—" Taehyung starts, and Jungkook catches the way he fidgets in his seat, worries his lower lip between his teeth nervously as he thinks of what to say next. "He's nice. And I like him." He pauses, and Taehyung doesn't dare to look up at Jungkook, opting to keep his gaze downcast. "And I think he likes me too."
"Are you dating?" Jungkook already knows the answer, but he can't help but ask, hoping that somehow, for some strange reason, Taehyung would assure him that no, he's not dating Jimin.
"I—" Taehyung laughs nervously, and Jungkook can't help the way his heart stutters in his chest as he watches a dreamy smile cross Taehyung's lips. "I guess we are."
"Why?" Jungkook blurts out before he can stop himself, and he curses himself, because Taehyung turns to look at him with an incredulous look, brows furrowed and lips parted in question.
"'Why'?" Taehyung asks, "what do you mean why, Jungkook?"
"I didn't mean it like that." Jungkook tries quietly, his eyes falling shut as he tries to recollect his thoughts, calms himself lest he say something he would regret, or worse, something that would get Taehyung to hate him.
Taehyung frowns, doesn't know what to make of the situation, so he simply turns back to face his vanity mirror, and recaps his moisturizer bottles. "Jungkook," he starts, and he stands up from his seat on the vanity stool, walks over to his closet as he talks over his shoulder. "If what I think you're bringing up is what you're bringing up," he pauses, and he turns around to face Jungkook, who had remained seated at the edge of his bed, mouth pressed into a tight line as he looked at Taehyung with a sort of guilt in his eyes.
"It better not be, Jungkook." Taehyung's eyes turn sharp, narrowing into a glare that has Jungkook gulping.
"Tae—I. Please don't misunderstand me."
"What Jungkook? What could you have possibly meant? What did you have in mind when you came in here?" Taehyung says all at once, his lips twisted in a frown. His robe is slipping off one shoulder, and Jungkook can't help but think of a time when Taehyung had been comfortable around him, his heart squeezing painfully as Taehyung makes a show of pulling his robe tighter around his body. Taehyung's eyes shine with a sadness that Jungkook takes all the credit for.
Jungkook lets out a tired sigh, his head falling into his hands as he digs his fingers harshly into his scalp. "Can we talk Taehyung?" His voice comes out as a low croak.
"Why?" is Taehyung's quick reply, his brows pinching together. "What is it that you want to talk about, Jungkook?"
It's quiet for a moment as Jungkook tries to think—of how to react, of what to say and how to say it. He chances a glance at Taehyung and sees that he's still clutching the edges of his robe securely, standing awkwardly by his closet.
"I know I shouldn't be here," Jungkook starts, and Taehyung's gaze stays downcast, opting to stare at his bare feet rather than look Jungkook in the eye. Jungkook's throat tightens as he tries to continue. "But everything that's been going on—I can't count the times you've stood me up to hang out with Jimin."
"Jungkook—"
"I'm... I'm trying. I really am. But I can't help but feel like I'm being replaced." Taehyung still hadn't looked up at him, and Jungkook's heart is breaking with every passing second of Taehyung avoiding his gaze. His eyes sting with the promise of tears, and when the first of many tears start streaming down his cheeks silently, he does nothing to stop them. Hot and burning and he does nothing to wipe them away. A gasp falls past his lips and he has to stop himself from out right sobbing because it hurts. It hurts so much and he doesn't know why. Why does it hurt so much?
"Please look at me Tae." He tries again, and this time Taehyung does look up at him, his eyes wet and his nose red.
"Jungkook you can't be having this conversation with me." Taehyung starts, but Jungkook cuts him off before he can continue.
"Why? Why can't we be having this conversation? Why? Why?" Jungkook pleads, and he stands up from where he's been sitting on the bed and crosses the short distance to where Taehyung is standing. "Why can't we talk about how you're not hanging out with me. Why can't we talk about how you're changing so much Tae. You're changing so much and I can't keep up. Why can't we talk about how ever since you met Jimin, our relationship has been going down hill. Why can't we talk about that?"
He grabs Taehyung by the shoulders and forces him to look up at him. "Please Tae. How long will this go on? How long will I have to keep missing you because you keep hanging out with Jimin of all people."
"Jungkook." Taehyung says firmly, and Jungkook's throat tightens at how distant Taehyung's voice sounds. "Your problem here is obviously not with me, but with Jimin. And I call bullshit." Taehyung's hands push firmly against Jungkook's chest, and Jungkook's hands drop from where they were on Taehyung's shoulders. "Our relationship is going down hill? Last time I checked Jungkook, we were friends. Last time I checked, hanging out with you less doesn't make you less of a friend to me, and neither should it feel that way for you." Taehyung's eyes are sharp as he stares Jungkook down, Jungkook almost flinching at the unfamiliar coldness in Taehyung's eyes.
"Tae—"
"No Jungkook. You can't act like this. Know your place as my friend, so don't do this here. You've been my friend for as long as I can remember, and me hanging out with Jimin or anyone else for the matter is not going to change the fact that you're my best friend and that I love you so much. But for you to feel threatened and jealous that I'm hanging out with Jimin and that you think I'm gonna replace you with him—Jungkook that just shows how little you think of me and how important and how much our relationship means to me." Taehyung's lips curl down sadly, and his eyes no longer feel cold, his face no longer hard, and Jungkook doesn't know if that's any better than Taehyung acting coldly towards him.
"I'm just disappointed Jungkook." Taehyung says lowly, and with that, he turns around to get dressed inside his closet.
Jungkook stands unmoving, the room painfully silent all for the soft rustling from inside Taehyung's closet. His heart had dropped to the pit of his stomach, and he can't help the way his lip quivers. He's disappointed. Taehyung's disappointed in him. What has he done...
His hand flies up to his face at the first sign of new tears, wipes at them frantically, and it's then that Taehyung emerges from his closet dressed in a pyjama set, and he seems surprised to see that Jungkook is still here.
"Jungkook—"
"Am I too late?" Jungkook cuts him off, voice hoarse with tears, chocking him.
"What?"
"I swear I'll do things different this time." Jungkook pleads and he falls to his knees by Taehyung's feet, and Taehyung can't help the yelp he lets out at Jungkook clutching his knees desperately.
"Jungkook, please you're not making any sense." Taehyung tries to pull away from Jungkook's tight hold, gently prying his hands from around him, and kneels down in front of him, looks at him with a gentle curiosity, hands faltering in his lap.
"You won't understand." Jungkook says into his own chest, head bowed so low Taehyung can only see the top of his head.
"Then help me understand," Taehyung prompts gently, hands lifting Jungkook's chin to face him. He feels a twinge of guilt at the sight of Jungkook's red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. "Help me understand Jungkook. Because we're getting no where with the way we're just hurling excuses at each other—"
"If I had told you sooner, before Jimin," Jungkook's voice rushes in and Taehyung stills, his hands halting around Jungkook's face before falling limply into his lap, "do you think you could have loved me?"
"What?"
"If," Jungkook starts, hands slowly reaching for Taehyung's, holding them gently, swiping his thumbs over Taehyung's knuckles, "if I had told you sooner Taehyung," he looks up at Taehyung and catches his dumbstruck expression before continuing, "could you have loved me?"
Taehyung's head shakes slightly, his mouth open in surprise, and he tries to pull his hands from Jungkook's grasp, "Jungkook you're my friend—"
"Could you?" Jungkook presses, urgent.
Taehyung's left speechless again, his throat tight as he looks at Jungkook, eyes sad and lips set in a straight line.
Just an hour ago he was out with Jimin enjoying a wonderful evening full of sweet smiles and warm touches, and now—now his heart is in his throat and Jungkook's looking at him like he's broken his heart. He might have, and he doesn't know how.
"No," Taehyung says quietly as he finally pulls his hands from Jungkook and presses them to his own chest. "No Jungkook, I don't think I could have."
Taehyung thinks he can see the light fade from Jungkook's eyes as he says those words, and his heart aches at the sight.
"Taehyung—"
"Sometimes," Taehyung cuts in, and he pulls himself up to stand tall, dragging Jungkook along with him. "friendships are only just that—friendships. Sometimes that's all they'll ever be." He says softly, because he knows with every second, he's breaking Jungkook's heart even more. But Taehyung can't skirt around this topic anymore. "I think that's how we're meant to be, Jungkook." He says carefully.
"I don't think I've ever seen you as someone I can feel romantically for." He looks into Jungkook's eyes, "someone I can fall in love with." His eyes search Jungkook's for any kind of reaction, and when he gets none, he breathes a heavy sigh, and he crosses his arms over chest. "But I can't let you make me feel guilty about it Jungkook."
Jungkook can't seem to look into Taehyung's eyes anymore, and he looks away to stare at the carpeted floor, almost in shame. He's caught off guard by the memory of the day he and Taehyung went out to by this carpet. Jungkook had hated it, but Taehyung had wanted it so badly in his room that Jungkook had caved, just to see that sweet smile spread across Taehyung's face.
Jungkook hates how different they are now.
"You're right." He says in a whisper, voice strained, and he finally looks back up at Taehyung, who has sad tears in his eyes, and had bitten his lip red. Jungkook just wishes he could kiss those lips.
But he can't. And apparently, he never will.
"You're right, I've been selfish. I guess I've always felt entitled somehow, that I'd eventually be with you, like everything would just fall into place—the natural course of events. That our friendship will lead up to a relationship." He laughs dryly, and it's an awful sound to his own ears. "I guess that only ever happens in movies." He breathes a shuddering breath, and his eyes sting with the promise of more tears.
"I'm sorry Jungkook."
"Please don't be, it makes it seem like you've done something wrong." Jungkook all but whines. "I'm sorry I was immature about your relationship with Jimin," his words halt for a second, Jimin's name feeling awful on his tongue, and he closes his eyes briefly, if only to steel himself for what he's about to say. "You seem to really like him. I hope he makes you happy." He says almost to convince himself, that he's okay knowing that Taehyung will never love him the way he does—the way he wants him to, and he feels his heart chipping away. "I only want you to be happy." His throat hurts, like it's physically too painful to speak, the words burning like acid, "and if it means being with Jimin, then I just can't do anything about that. It's not up to me to decide, and it was selfish of me to think it ever was." It hurts. "I just want you to be happy."
He smiles, sad and small, just to somehow put Taehyung at ease, as if his feelings that he's harbored for Taehyung for long years would just go away after their talk. He tells himself that they have to, that he'll eventually have to fall out of love with Taehyung, that he has to stop entertaining the thought of ever being with Taehyung, but he knows that will never happen, and he bites his tongue thinking about it.
"Jungkook..." Taehyung says softly, and he crosses the short distance between him and Jungkook to wrap his arms around Jungkook's back. Jungkook's arms naturally find their way around Taehyung's waist, and he pulls him impossibly close to his chest. "I'm sorry it had to be this way." Taehyung says into his shoulder, and Jungkook's arms tighten instinctively, almost like he's trying to hold onto this moment—hold on to Taehyung.
"I'm sorry for making it this way." He says into Taehyung hair, and he's reluctant to let go, but Taehyung pulls away first, only halfway, to look Jungkook in the eyes, his eyes wet with tears but no longer sad.
"Are we good?" Taehyung asks hesitantly, his eyes searching Jungkook's face. "Are we okay?"
It hurts.
Jungkook's lips pull into a tight smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, and he nods slightly. "We're good." We're not.
"Are you okay?" Taehyung asks again.
"I'm okay." I'm not. "I promise." I love you.
Taehyung smiles then, and Jungkook's relieved that his halfhearted response was enough to convince him.
Taehyung pulls him closer to hug him again, and this time he presses his lips to Jungkook's shoulder, his voice muffled against his shirt. "I love you, Jungkookie."
Jungkook's heart hurts, feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces, feels like he's drowning, and while Taehyung had once been holding him up, he'd finally let go.
But he can't do this to Taehyung, he can't guilt him into liking him, can't deny him his chance at love. He loves him too much to do that, and that only hurts him more.
He knows they're not okay yet, not quite, but he does know that come morning, it'll be like nothing ever happened—Taehyung will greet him at the breakfast bar cheerfully and Jungkook will smile sleepily and greet him back quietly. Everything will go back to normal. At least that's what he tells himself. Because truthfully, things won't ever go back to normal. Taehyung might smile at him like before, will touch him and talk to him like before, but Jungkook can only pretend it's not completely tearing him on the inside—pretend that everything is back to normal.
So in this moment, with Taehyung in his arms smelling of his sweet body lotion and shampoo, he can pretend for these fleeting seconds that everything is okay. Because tomorrow, it won't be.
"I love you too, Tae."