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“I like you, Kindaichi.”
“What?” the other boy’s face shriveled up into a disgusted sneer. “King, what are you talking about?”
Kageyama winced at the nickname. “Don’t make me say it again.”
“Wait a second, you really mean what you said?” Kindaichi laughed. It was cruel. So, so cruel. Even as Kageyama was getting rejected, he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the other looked. His heart was racing, cold sweat dripping down his face. Here he was, confessing his love to a boy who would never ever love him back, and Kageyama was still loving him. His heart had been cracked open at this point, but he knew this was not the end.
“Hey, Kunimi!” Kindaichi called. “Guess what the King just revealed!”
“Hmm, what?”
“Our very own King Kageyama Tobio is gay . And this vile little homo likes me!” this was when the other boys who were passing by began to be curious. Kageyama knew it was a bad idea to confess right after practice. Kindaichi was practically screaming his biggest secret to the whole team. Everyone started to laugh at him.
He heard someone shout, “Kindaichi, I wanna poke him! I wanna see how he reacts to a boy touching him, if you know what I mean!” They thought it was hilarious, seeing Kageyama’s heart get broken. Every breath was hard to take, and the air seemed to get thinner. His eyes were stinging, and it didn’t help when Kindaichi slapped him in the face.
“Oi, King! Look up at me! Isn’t that what you like to do? Look up at hot boys? You were probably looking at me in the changing rooms all this time. So pathetic.”
“Hey, let me slap him too!”
“Let me punch him!”
“Kumini, where’re you going? At least get one hit in! This is the only time the King has ever looked so worthless!”
Kageyama didn’t hear his response. He could only hear the laughing.
“Gay” they said.
“Pathetic” they said.
“Freak” they said.
But most of all, they said, “King”
Kageyama will always recall the sentence Kindaichi left him with before he was knocked out cold.
“Poor little Tobio, you must never forget what I tell you now. Remember, you are unlovable.”
❤❤❤❤
The next morning, Kageyama was still curled up in a ball pressed up against the school. His face and body were completely covered in bruises. He could not stop shaking. Breathing hurt. Blinking hurt. Being alive hurt. He wondered what would happen if he just closed his eyes and didn’t wake up again. If he never had to face Kindaichi in Maths, or English. If he didn’t love playing volleyball so much, he’d probably quit forever. But fate decided he wasn’t going to die that day, or quit volleyball. Kageyama eventually found just a smidgen of motivation to keep going.
He thought, They think I’m weak and pathetic now. They’ll try to use my crush against me, and ridicule me even more. I’ll show them.
And so he began to toss impossibly high to his teammates. He snapped and lashed out at them whenever they couldn’t keep up. Kageyama stayed late in the gym practicing extremely late into the night. They would not call him weak. They would be afraid of him. They would kneel before their King.
That was his mindset all the way up until he lost. He lost everything, his teammates, his spot on the team, and most of all, his determination.
Kageyama wanted to play more! Did they not see that! It was Kindaichi’s fault he wasn’t on that court anymore! Or… was it? Maybe, it was him. Everybody told him he was a tyrant king, but did he listen? Did he notice that he had to be more? He wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t good enough. Was he ever going to be? Can a gay, tyrant, outcasted king, ever regain what he lost? Would anyone be able to show kindness to a worthless brat like him? No, Oikawa had always made sure he knew. Kindaichi, too.
Worthless and pathetic. Not worth their time. And couldn’t ever be.
The Kageyama who fell in love with Kindaichi was naive and weak. He learned that love made you walk through life without a care, and that was dangerous.
Love made you optimistic, which in turn made you delusional. Love might make you think that you’re deserving of someone, love might make you think that he’ll return your love, but Kageyama knew better. So when he fell in love a second time, he was going to do all that it took to repress it.
Though… how can you repress somebody like Hinata Shouyou? He was loud, obnoxious and so very attractive. Kageyama remembered this feeling. The treacherous butterflies in his stomach, stumbling over words, and the sleepless nights lying awake thinking about him. Kageyama hated this feeling. He was here to play volleyball with his platonic volleyball partner. But everytime Hinata got to close, or everytime he smiled, Kageyama had to remember what he was told; He is, and always will be, unlovable.
❤❤❤❤
“We’re going to the beach!” Nishinoya yelled.
“Really?” exclaims Hinata.
“Yeah!” said Tanaka, ripping off his shirt. Daichi urged (read: threatened) him to put it back on.
Kageyama heard Yachi say to Yamaguchi, “Shimizu-san told me that Takeda-sensei and Coach Ukai arranged something with the school. I don’t know how, though.”
“I bet they said we we’re going to play beach volleyball. I’ve heard it’s much harder to play on sand. The school probably thinks we need more practice.” said Yamaguchi. “Tsukki, you told me about it—”
Suddenly, Hinata jumped on to his back. “This is awesome! Right, Kageyama?”
“Get off me, dumbass! I told you to stop doing that!”
“You’re the dumbass, now answer my question!”
After a lot of kicking and fighting with Hinata (and Nishinoya and Tanaka cheering from the sidelines) everyone finally boarded the bus. It was only a trip lasting a day and two nights, and Takeda-sensei had booked them a few rooms at a nearby hotel. Hinata wanted to sit next to Kageyama for the bus ride, and he said yes. What a grave mistake he had made. He really should’ve seen this coming. Three and a half hours sitting next to rainbow-happy-sunshine-dumbass? Huuuuge mistake. Sure, it started out okay, but then Kageyama fell asleep.
❤❤❤❤
He dreamt of big, fluffy clouds. And playing volleyball on those clouds. With Hinata.
The dream quickly turned sour. Kindaichi appeared out of thin air.
“Oh, who’s this, King?” he asked, his voice coated with poison. “Your new gay crush? Ha! Don’t you remember what I told you?”
Kageyama hadn’t even responded before he went on.
“ Unlovable . Don’t forget it. Although… saying that probably still won’t stick with you, huh? I guess I’ll show you it instead.”
“What do you mean?” Kageyama whispered.
“Oh Hinata~”
Hinata stopped spinning the volleyball in his hands. “Yes?”
“What do you think of Tobio’s pathetic little crush on you?”
Hinata laughed, and Kageyama flinched. It was to be expected, dream or not, of course he didn’t return his feelings. His eyes started to sting, water slowly but surely rising up and rushing out. Weak. That’s what he was. Absolutely defenseless.
❤❤❤❤
“Psst.”
Who was that? No one in his dream seemed to be talking.
“Bakageyama!”
Kageyama jolted awake. Damn Hinata.
“Dumbass.” he said. “Why’d you wake me up?” he sounded groggy and not at all rested from his nap. In fact, he kind of sounded like he had been—
“You were crying.”
Immediately, Kageyama’s hands went up to his face. Hinata was right.
“Did you have a nightmare?” Hinata asked.
Kageyama didn’t reply. He just glared at the other boy and wiped his tears away. Staring out the window, he contemplated throwing him out the window, if possible. Another thirty minutes into the trip, and Hinata hadn’t dared to say anything else. When his head fell onto Kageyama’s shoulder, he found out why. Of course the dumbass couldn’t be quiet naturally. Cue internal groan, please.
They got to the beach before Hinata awoke, and Kageyama had the ‘pleasure’ of waking him up. Taking their small bags of clothes they’d been told to pack the day before, much to everyone’s confusion, they entered the hotel.
Roommates had been assigned to save money, and Kageyama had been paired up with Hinata. Which was… unfortunate. He would most likely push on about what happened on the bus. It was going to be a long night.
Putting his bag down on the bed he wanted, Kageyama went to go take a shower. Slightly after he had finished, Hinata walked in. He was talking to someone on the phone.
“I don’t think it’s a great time to tell him, Kenma.”
…
“He was, uh, crying on the bus. I think he’s going to take the news well if he’s going through something serious.”
…
“I guess.”
…
“No way! Kageyama doesn’t get nightmares! And even if he did, about what?”
…
“I mean, maybe.”
That was around the time Kageyama stopped listening. He was really trying to stop his hopes from getting too high. What was Hinata going to tell him? Wait. Did he know about his crush? Oh, he most definitely did. All those times he had done something special for Hinata, he was being so glaringly obvious! He was so stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Everytime he thought the word, he slapped himself. Each time was harder. His skin was red by the time he was done. He was never good at keeping secrets, and the consequences were catching up to him.
Rejection was coming soon, all because he forgot. You must never forget, Tobio. Not once, not ever. You are unlovable. Completely and utterly unlovable. Another round of hits was his punishment for forgetting. This time, they were punches.
💔💔💔💔
His bruises were fresh and sore when Kageyama woke up. Hinata tried to ask, but he brushed him off. At breakfast, the others tried to comment, but Kageyama gave them his harshest glare. Almost no sound penetrated the buzzing mantra flying in his brain.
UNLOVABLE-UNLOVABLE-UNLOVABLE-UNLOVABLE-UNLOVABLE
💔💔💔💔
The day went by in a haze, he only tried to focus when he was playing volleyball. But even so, he was still playing worse than Hinata. Both Daichi and Suga confronted him about his standoffish behavior. He paid them no mind. Kageyama couldn’t forget. Remember when you look at him. When you look at Hinata . Unlovable.
The final night at the hotel, Hinata stopped him once he got out of the shower. He jumped real close to his face and shouted, “Kageyama!”
“What?” He didn’t have time for this.
“You’ve been acting weird all trip, and I need you to tell me why.”
“It’s none of your business.” Kageyama tried pushing his way through Hinata, but it didn’t work.
“No.” he said. “I have never seen you cry, even when we lost to Aoba Johsai and the Great King. So tell me what’s wrong with you, right now!”
Weak. He was just so weak for this boy. Fine. If he got rejected, so what? It wouldn’t be as bad as the last time.
…
Who was Kageyama kidding? This would break him to the point where he wouldn't be able to love anyone else again. Who cares, though? Who actually cares if Kageyama Tobio hurts himself? No one. He can say that for a fact. Truly, not a single person in the entire universe would mind if he was gone, or if he was still there. And to this thought, he felt nothing. So what would it matter if he poured his soul out to Hinata? He could always just ‘accidentally’ run into ongoing traffic, right? So he took the plunge.
“I am unlovable.”
“What?” Hinata looked so confused.
“I love someone who won’t love me back. I have accepted it. But I can’t help but wonder what would happen if they’d love me back. It’s the reality of the human mind. You have to be optimistic sometimes.” Kageyama laughed through the pain. “I cried because for a while, they seemed to really like me. Even in a platonic way, it was nice. I don’t think anyone’s truly appreciated me like Karasuno has. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
Hinata glared at him. “Of course it does! This—this person, that you… love, why do you think they don’t love you back?”
“They figured out I love them. I heard how they are going to reject me. Trust me, I don’t really care anymore.”
“Don’t give up now! What if you’re wrong, huh? What will you do then? Because if you ask me, you’re being just plain unreasonable right now. So you should—”
“Hinata. Shut up.” Kageyama was tearing up, but the tears weren’t falling. “I’ve been rejected before. I’ll be fine. Besides. They don’t love me , remember? Unlovable. I’m unlovable. And I’ve come to terms with it.”
All of a sudden, Hinata shoved his shoulder. Hard. Kageyama stumbled backwards, surprised. “You moron! Was it the person who rejected you before who made you think like this? I’ve been putting up with your dumb mentality for the whole of this conversation, but I can’t take it anymore!”
“What?”
“There is not a single person that will ever be hated by everyone they meet. Especially not you. In fact, I know somebody who loves you! They love you so much. When you’re in pain, they are too. Their heart stops whenever they look at you. They’ve told me again and again how much they love you, Kageyama. Too much. And they will absolutely shatter when I tell them you love someone else. I know someone. And—” Hinata was crying himself, now. Frantically, he wiped them away, still sniffling, but he carried on with his speech. “And that someone is me! I love you with all my heart! More than volleyball, or even my mother. So never say to me that you are unlovable, because I am the one person who can confidently say that they’ve fallen in love with you. Please don’t hate me.”
With that, he started to bawl his eyes out. He was so loud. But Kageyama wouldn’t have him any other way when he kissed him. It seemed so final when he pulled away from that sweet little peck. Hinata hadn’t kissed back. It… was okay though. Because after Kageyama had planted that first kiss, he pulled him in for another one. Hands flew in all directions, in hair, behind necks, and up shirts. And for once, just for a split second, Kageyama forgot. In between all the passionate kisses, laughter, and just— all that Hinata ; Kageyama forgot that he was unlovable.
🖤🧡🖤🧡
“Didn’t you tell me that together, we’re invincible? Well, together, Bakageyama, you’re lovable.” and he smiled. It was so warm.