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- He’s actually really good with kids! He never talks down to them, and he’s (obviously) not afraid to get dirty helping them with some playtime scheme. He finds their curiosity about everything and their intact sense of whimsy refreshing (he could answer “Why” questions all day). The only problem is a lot of kids are scared of him, and he’s been banned from several playgrounds by the mommy groups (it’s getting to the point where a guy can’t help make mud pies anymore!).
- People always tell him how amazing he is for giving 0 fu¢ks about everybody else’s opinion of him. But his deep dark secret is that he does care—he’s just gonna do it anyway. Why should he let some haters stop him just because they’re gonna spit vitriol at him? And case of beer is a good remedy for hurt feelings, especially if it facilitates him peeing on their car later.
- Of course he’s done some grave robbing. How do you think he funds his rock ‘n roll lifestyle? Will neither confirm nor deny anything else rumored to happen while he’s down there. Haha, j/k. …unless?
- He’s surprisingly well-read—you’d assume he’d be all Kerouac, Hemingway, & Orson Scott-Card—but he’s also read Austen, Toni Morrison, & Shelley. It’s entirely self-serving though—he’s got a pretentious street cred to maintain.
- Owns a flip phone. Not even a newer model like a slider Qwerty—his still has an antenna he has to pull out. You can text him, but if it’s longer than his screen allows, he won’t even finish reading it and if you’re lucky you’ll get one of three responses: k, n, y. Don’t even bother waiting for his voicemail to pickup, his mailbox is always full—he has one of those voicemail messages that make it sound like he’s picked up the phone, and he’s saved each and every message of people cursing him out. If you REALLY need to get a hold of him, you can try one of his bandmates, but even they’ve taken to answering their phones, “If this call is for Mary, fuck off.”
- He’s not going to be ~*soft*~ with you. You’re never going to change him into a smol bean. But if he cares for you, he’ll go out of his way to not be a dick. Or less of dick. He may even do something that doesn’t benefit him in any way if it helps you out. And he would prefer it you didn’t even acknowledge it—he has a reputation, you know.
- Absolutely 100% loyal ride or die. If you’re his friend, lover, or other, he’s not going to stand around and let people talk shit about or take advantage of you. He’ll break a beer bottle or put those boots to good use. DO NOT FUCK WITH MARY’S PEOPLE. HE IS FERAL AND WILL REND YOU TO PIECES. Has been known to drive out to rescue stranded friends from missed trains and domestic situations. (Note: he doesn’t own a car or have a license, but no one brings that up.)
- Surprisingly, he likes hugs. Either he’s genuinely happy to see you, or he’s being an ass and smearing whatever he’s covered in all over you. These are not mutually exclusive.
- Since he’s not squeamish about bodily fluids, assumes you shouldn’t be either. I wouldn’t recommend shaking his hand. Notice none of his friends ever share a plate of fries with him. It’s always one for the table and one for Mary.
- He’ll never be a gentleman, but he’s got some standards. He would never fuck you in an alleyway. It gets cold at night and there are always drunken assholes trying to ruin things. No, he’ll take you into a stall in the men’s room, lay his flannel over the tank lid, then he’ll fuck you.
- He will fuck anyone. He’s totally not picky, especially at 2am. The only important part about what’s in between your legs to him is how you’re going to use it to fuck him. Has a preference for men who can manhandle him and plump women he can get lost in.
- There's a rumor going around that he fucked a goat. That’s not true. He fucked a dude called goat. He thinks the rumor is hilarious though. Will not confirm or deny that he as a homemade tatt with the text “goat fucker” on his body.
- His cock is serviceable, but he knows how to use it. He may not seem the type, given his hygiene standards, but he’s a bit of a perfectionist. If he’s going to fuck you, he’s going to do it properly and until you cum. Probably knows where your G-spot or prostate is better than you do. What? There are guys out there that can’t? Wow. How embarrassing for them.
- He’ll Dom you if you really want, but much prefers to be on the receiving end. Give his neck a squeeze and watch that proud man turn into contrite boy. Careful though—if you feed this stray he might decide to stick around for scraps.
- That said: he fucks you like he hates you. Every. Single. Time. Just resign yourself to always having bruises and scratch marks on your body. He just purrs in your ear that he’s got a lot of passion.