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It was a beautiful place to call the home of the banditos. Tyler was proud to be here. They were filming in Iceland for the first few Trench videos, and they got a whole three days to shoot instead of having to pull it off in one day.
They had the money and notoriety to be able to take their time with their projects now. They had a whole bus load of filming equipment and another bus load of props, a third bus load of extras and even additional trailers for them to sleep in. The film spot was in a national park so they were able to stay onsite to sleep and eat. It felt more like a vacation than a job.
The first night they were there felt like a dream. The cliffs that the campsite was erected on, plunged a mile to the canyon floor. It was strange, to imagine a world and then see it come to life before your very eyes.
The second night, a few of them decided to camp out around the fire in the tents that had been set up for the video. The tents were supposed to just be props. Who would want to sleep in a tent when they had nice trailers to cozy up in? Even the extras had buses. But then Jenna had mentioned something about the true experience of camping and actually living the life of a Bandito even for just a couple nights and it was settled that they would “rough it” so to speak. It was technically glamping, what with the technology and running water in the trailers 100 feet away, but Tyler admits he does like the comfort of sleeping outside.
But despite the peacefulness of the shooting site, he still can’t get solid rest. It’s too quiet. The camp was set up far away from their trailers and bustle of the park’s strict camping zone. They’re lucky enough to get a permit to film let alone stay overnight on the filming set in the middle of winter in the Icelandic tundra. The only thing that sounds here is the wind rustling their makeshift camp, and the crackle of the fire in the center. The sun doesn’t seem to ever shine in this part of the world, for the few days he’s been here it’s only been overcast. In addition, they’ve come to film the video in the same season that the sun never sets.
Reaching to check his phone for the time, he sees its past three in the morning, but the daylight still permeates his tent like it’s three in the evening.
He’s alone. His tossing and turning has probably lead his wife to sleep elsewhere as it does occasionally. He doesn’t take it personally. Sometimes his mind is loud enough to wake the whole city, and he understands she needs her rest too.
Being here, physically in the place he’s created in his mind—Trench— it’s very easy for him to pinpoint what keeps him awake. It’s not the lightness of the sky, or the deafening quiet, or the spoils of being used to plush beds; instead it resides in the tent none too far from his own. It breathes and sleeps in this world as he does.
Josh.
Tyler burrows his face in his bedroll to hide his frustration. But can anyone really blame him for missing his best friend? It’s been over a year and they’ve barely spoken let alone seen or touched each other and now all of a sudden they’re here. Not just in Iceland but inside of the world that he’s envisioned for years, in hopeful moments and flashes of something beyond the terror that was the last cycle.
It feels wrong to be apart here.
Tyler sits up and pulls on his boots over his feet, tucks a beanie down over his ears, and wraps his hoodie tighter around himself, unzipping the tent he and Jenna had chosen to stay in.
It’s hard to be discreet when it’s daylight outside, even though the hour is late. He tries to weave throughout the campsite as quietly as he can, boots crunching on pine straw and kicking up dirt despite his light footing.
Closer to the center of camp he can see two figures sitting on a log together by the fire.
Jenna has her arm resting over Debby’s shoulders, and Debby’s head rests on Jenna’s shoulder. Still dressed in their pajamas, they snort and giggle to each other, and they hold up s’mores in their hands and touch them together in a toast.
Only Jenna would bring all of the fixings for s’mores on their two day camping adventure, but that’s just who she is. She likes to bring home wherever she goes, and sometimes home is a pack of gramcrackers, marshmallows and chocolate made over a bonfire with your friends. God he loves her.
They don’t notice him sneaking into Josh’s tent. Not that he really has to sneak in the first place, but maybe it’s the setting that has him treading lightly.
Inside, Josh is somehow sleeping, blissfully unaware of Tyler’s restless mind keeping himself awake. He’s wrapped up in a mountain of blankets, still wearing his Bandito outfit like he was so exhausted from today’s shoot that he climbed into bed and immediately fell unconscious. He even still has his bandana pulled around his face, and his beanie is pulled over his eyes to keep the daylight away.
He looks awfully comfortable. Tyler would feel bad about waking him up if he weren’t so selfishly uncomfortable himself. His momentary guilt is swallowed by his urge just to be close to Josh. To share the comforting aura that naturally surrounds him.
Haphazardly, he clambers over his sleeping friend and lays down on top of him, deadweight and clumsy. It does a fine job of waking Josh up. He groans, instantly knowing who’s robbed him of his sleep.
“What are you doing here?” Josh grumbles, but doesn’t make a move to throw Tyler off of him.
Tyler sighs. He didn’t exactly expect a warm welcome from Josh but at least a ‘hello’ would’ve been nice. He reaches up and pulls Josh’s beanie from over his eyes and off his head completely, and is rewarded with warm wooded eyes cracked open and fixed on him.
The wind picks up outside and rustles the flags embroidered with their symbols of freedom, flown proudly in the campsite. Tyler smiles in spite of himself at Josh’s hair. Cropped close to his head and natural brown; it’s probably what started this all over again.
‘This’ being certain urges that brought the two of them together in ways categorized outside of what ‘best friends’ platonically do. Not that the longing had ever really gone away. Sure, the times that they crashed together had gotten intermittently more sparse. But they had never disappeared.
Seeing Josh’s natural hair again had stolen his breath away although he’d never admit it. And with his stolen breath, it brought back hordes of feelings that he thought he’d buried deep enough to never be found again. Reminding him of what they were like in the beginning of stages of their relationship.
Josh turns his gaze away from Tyler’s to the empty side of the bedroll.
“What’d you do with her?”
“I didn’t. I woke up alone too.” Tyler swallows down the stab of hurt he feels at Josh’s insinuating that he had made Debby leave. “They’re outside flirting with each other by the fire.”
Josh’s eyes finally soften and he rubs his eye with the back of his hand, corners of his mouth twitching. Tyler relaxes.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Josh asks.
“Couldn’t sleep.” Tyler affirms.
“Neither can I while you’re crushing me. C’mon then.” Josh throws back the blankets for Tyler to climb inside beside him.
They settle quickly and wordlessly, but the atmosphere is anything but peaceful between them. They lay on their backs, rigid and tense, far enough away from one another that the heat of each other’s skin cannot be felt and accidentally indulged in. Josh’s hands are laced over his chest and he gives no sign of addressing this uncomfortable air between them. Tyler watches his chest rise and fall underneath his resting hands.
“If you close your eyes, and listen, it’s like we’re back in the van again. Just the two of us.” Tyler breaks the silence.
“My eyes are already closed, because I’m trying to sleep.” Josh quips.
Tyler bites his tongue and turns to face the canvas ceiling of the tent. He usually isn’t so sensitive to Josh’s biting tones, but a year of longing has worn his thick skin a little more thin.
Josh sighs when Tyler doesn’t reply. “It’s not just the two of us anymore, Tyler.” His tone softer.
“No, it’s not.” Tyler agrees quietly.
“But it is. It’s always going to be the two of us, isn’t it?” Josh peaks his eyes open again to gauge Tyler’s reaction.
Tyler nods at him and they both turn to look back up at the top of the tent.
It’s quiet for a while, and by the time Tyler works up his nerve to speak again, Josh has fallen into a groggy sleep, softly breathing beside him.
“Josh.” Tyler whispers.
He doesn’t respond.
He throws the blankets off of them both and crawls on top of him again, uncaring if he’s smushing his friend.
“Joshua.” Tyler tries again. Josh is trying his best to pretend he’s still asleep but Tyler can tell he’s awake because his breathing is silent and his heart is beating to quickly through his hoodie.
“Jish.” Tyler smiles through the word.
Josh scrunches his eyes closed.
“Jishwa.”
It’s the magic word. Tyler can’t see the bottom half of Josh’s face but he can tell by the way his eyes crinkle that he’s smiling underneath the bandana.
“My Jishwa.” Tyler tacks on softly, when he’s sees the word works on cracking Josh’s hard exterior.
Josh places a hand on the small of Tyler’s back to keep him from wiggling around and finally meets his eyes.
He can’t stop himself. It’s impossible. A years worth of his heart bleeding dry from missing Josh so much. It’s so simple to just stretch his neck up and place a kiss over the bandana where he knows Josh’s mouth is underneath. It shouldn’t be as addicting as it is, to feel the heat of Josh’s lips under his own, muted by the soft fabric of the bandana. But it is. And Josh doesn’t stop him so he does it again. Quick and firm and if that’s all he gets he could die happy.
But the kiss brings Josh out of his slumber like Snow White and he’s the one that tugs his own bandana down from around his face and gives Tyler a tired smile. He’s the one that grabs Tyler by the back of the neck and pulls their lips back together like he can’t bare another minute apart.
Josh’s lips are as soft as flower petals in spite of the frigid air around them that chaps everything it touches. Tyler gives an involuntary hiccup because his stomach is in knots, overly excited. It causes Josh to give a huffing laugh.
“Even still?” Josh whispers.
Tyler understands the unsaid words: ‘we haven’t seen or spoken each other in a year and after all of that, you still want me?’
“Even still.” Tyler echoes and nods, brushing his nose up and down against Josh’s own.
A shiver runs down his spine and he sucks on Josh’s bottom lip to hide it, running his tongue over the tiny hole hiding under Josh’s lip just to be a tease. Josh hums. Tyler’s teeth join his tongue.
It’s so easy. Not only how their lips match up, but all of it. Being with Josh, it’s so easy for Tyler’s heart to rest in his.
“It was so easy to forget you when we didn’t see each other for so long. But two days back and I’m already wrapped around your little finger again.” Josh pulls back.
Tyler pushes down the urge to voice his offense at being forgotten so easily because he knows that it’s a lie but he also he knows that he has no right to protest.
He’s the one that urged them to stop this. It was too big of a risk. To be in a relationship and together in a band, a popular one at that. They had to much to lose if they let themselves indulge in whatever ‘this’ was. They had both agreed that it was for their own good to keep it behind closed doors, away from even their families. They haven’t been very good at that.
Before the year long hiatus, they could barely go a month without falling into bed with each other, or at the very least, capturing stolen kisses in storage rooms and green rooms and bathrooms when the longing just got to be too much. They’ve got too much energy, too much adrenaline and passion in their jobs to keep them from clinging to each other like this.
Tyler wishes he had never tried to stop it. They’ve got the blessing of their partners, what more could they need?
Dipping down, Tyler pecks him once more, and Josh’s eyes slip shut. There are dark circles under his eyes. Too dark. Tyler places two soft kisses to each of Josh’s eyelids and one to the tip of his nose.
“God, Tyler.” Josh laments, and tightens his arms around Tyler’s back.
When Tyler goes to kiss him again though, Josh turns his head to the side as a last ditch effort to resist the red thread that pulls the two of them together.
Tyler lets him, instead leaning down to place a kiss behind Josh’s ear that was faced towards him, right over their matching ‘X’ tattoo.
The ‘X’ is supposed to stand for their hometown, but it doesn’t. Not really. It was understood when they both got the tattoo that it really stood for their home, which is each other, not the city they grew up in.
It’s a soft spot for them both. Josh jumps when Tyler nips at the tattoo, and his fingers flex and curl like a cat, where they rest on Tyler’s back.
“Don’t stop.” Josh finally gives in.
“I won’t.” Tyler nibbles on his ear and smiles into it when his actions earn him a breathless laugh.
“You will. You’re gonna string me along again. You’ll avoid my touch and then demand it from me when you’re lonely.”
Tyler’s lips trail under his jaw as he shakes his head in denial.
“You always do.” Josh sighs, but this time it’s not out of happiness but out of exhaustion.
Tyler knows he isn’t a perfect partner. But God if this year without him has shown him that he can’t stand to be away from Josh.
“Never again.” Tyler promises, and sucks harshly on the soft spot under Josh’s jaw. Josh whimpers, partly from pleasure and partly because he’s terrified Tyler is going to hang him out to dry again.
“J.” Tyler kisses the lovebite he’s bitten into Josh’s neck.
“Promise me you aren’t just making promises because we’re here, and not there.”
It’s clear that ‘here’ means in the world Tyler has created for them, and ‘there’ means back home in the eyes of the public. Josh trembles when Tyler lets the flat of his tongue lick a broad stripe up the side of Josh’s neck.
“I promise.” Tyler mumbles into his skin.
He’s suddenly aware that Josh’s hands are shaking enough to have him genuinely worried, and he leans back to look Josh in the eyes and make sure he’s okay with all of this.
“Are you okay?”
Josh’s eyes and clamped shut and his jaw is set like he’s in pain.
“Please, just don’t stop.”
“Are you sure-“
“Please.” Josh begs and his hands slide to rest on either side of Tyler’s face and tug him back into a kiss that has Tyler sighing out of relief.
It has never come naturally to Tyler, intimacy and affection and physical touch, but he knows Josh thrives off of it. Tyler loves providing it to him and watching him revel in it. Soft touches and kind words fill Josh up and make him incandescent. But he hasnt touched Josh in so long he can see how starved he is for it and guilt settles heavily in his stomach.
He cradles Josh’s head in his hands and marvels at the velvety softness of his buzzed hair. Josh whines into his mouth like he’s in pain, suddenly desperate for more now that he’s had a taste of what Tyler can give again.
Josh feels emotional pain just as much as he does physical pain. A broken heart to him hurts just as much as a broken bone, or worse. He’s delicate as Tyler would put it. Because his heart is on his sleeve (a very exposed place to put it) his heart gets hit and bumped a lot. But Josh’s delicacy isn’t his fault or a weakness. It’s what makes him so good. It’s what makes Tyler love him that much more. Josh’s heart has always been tender like a mushy bruise. That’s just who he is.
They both drop their jaws in harmony and Tyler licks into his mouth like tomorrow isn’t promised. Josh is perfectly content in letting Tyler control the kiss. He lets Tyler take what he wants from him.
Being with Josh scares him. But Tyler knows that he’s lying to himself because he’s never felt more at home than when he’s in Josh’s embrace.
Time stands still when Josh’s sharp incisors bite down into his bottom lip. Tyler’s fingers grip onto the bandana hanging around Josh’s neck and pull it taught, using it as leverage to yank him that much closer into the kiss. He knows Josh loves being held still.
Like this, being in Trench, with Josh still in his outfit, wrapped up in a tent together, It’s easy to imagine that they really are a Bandito leader and an escapee taking solace in each other after Tyler’s escape.
Tyler recalls the feeling when Josh showed him his Bandito outfit for the first time and there was tape around his knee. Everyone laughed because they knew what it was for, and thought it was cute. But he didn’t laugh. Tyler wanted to cry because of how important it was to him that Josh had wrapped tape around his name, and how effortlessly good at love he was.
Josh knows how important the narrative is because he’s lived through it and seen Tyler grow through it in the flesh, and he knows the gravity of his role as the one who rescues Tyler, and the leader who throws the flower petals. Tyler made sure Josh knew his role wasn’t just for the storyline, it was representative of his place in Tyler’s life. A role just as important as Jenna shaving his head; it stood for her clipping the poisonous weeds that grew out of his scalp from the seeds of doubt in his mind.
He’s overcome with the urge to see it, and raises himself on his arms, planting one hand beside Josh’s head on the bedroll, the other searches blindly for purchase on Josh’s tape covered knee. It’s easy to find. He settles himself on his knees between Josh’s legs and pulls Josh’s knee from laying flat to a bend, so he can admire it. He needs to see it.
Josh snorts at Tyler’s fixation with his knee, but when Tyler looks up he can see how gone Josh is for it too. His breath is catching like he’s run a marathon, lips raw and hands twisting in the pillow above his head. Tyler subconsciously runs his tongue over his lips, breaking their eye contact and hunching over to kiss Josh’s knee tape where he knows his name resides underneath.
Jenna and Josh both tease him about how possessive he is. He doesn’t deny it. Nobody can blame him.
When he lays back down, he settles between Josh’s open thighs and he has to take a moment to orient himself, dizzy from how right it feels.
This time, he’s more determined to kiss Josh until the slide of their tongues hurts too much and they have to stop. He wants Josh to keep biting his lip until it bleeds. He wants it to hurt. But it never will. Physically, yeah they could very easily love each other until their covered in angry bruises but emotionally— Josh could never love him painfully.
As they kiss, Josh keeps letting out little noises of happiness and Tyler realizes that Josh does it when he enjoys anything. Humming when he’s eating good food or when he’s in the shower or even when he’s drumming. He’s vocal. Tyler likes that. Josh hums in appreciation.
Josh is the ocean and Tyler is the moon, they are always affecting one another, when one chases, the other runs away, and when one runs away the other chases. Tyler is the moon because he’s lonely and blue and far away in his own world. Josh is the ocean because he is inviting and full of life and colorful. And the ocean is warmed by the sun. Except the sun isn’t Debby. The sun is Jenna. The sun has always been Jenna. Warm and radiant and brightening everything it touches. Debby is the stars. Glittering and made up of millions of different points and reasons to love her. No one can navigate the planes of Josh without her starlight, he’d be vast and confusing and tumultuous without her there for direction.
Tyler lets his fingers sneak under the hem of Josh’s hoodie, the feeling of skin on skin is overwhelming. He rests his palm flat on Josh’s tummy, and the earth stills as he does, it’s smooth shaven, the skin there soft to the touch. Josh moans into his mouth.
In the beginning, Josh was the one that took the lead and showed Tyler the ropes. Josh showed him what it was like to be loved in every sense of the word in their early years and then when Tyler finally found his sea legs (since Josh was the ocean) and was able to love Josh back in the way he deserved? Unimaginable.
But his demons always told him to hold back. That he didn’t deserve this love. That it must be hidden. He was tired of listening to those voices. The demons take form in the voices of the media and in the voices of those online and he’s scared he’ll fall prey to their taunting again.
One half of his brain wants to throw a childish fit and scream “mine!” And hold Josh like he’s his favorite toy, the other half of his brain wants to bare his teeth and snarl into the media’s faces “mine!” And hold onto Josh like he is his pride and joy.
The wind picks up again and Josh’s whines get louder. Tyler imagines that the wind carries Josh’s noises straight to the city that supposedly lies beyond their campsite. It gives him a twisted sort of satisfaction in imagining that the darkest parts of himself being forced to listen to them take pleasure in each other.
“Keep going.” Josh begs.
Tyler realizes his lips have stopped moving as his mind whirrs, he jumps to continue brushing his tongue against Josh’s, mind instantly going blank when Josh’s talented tongue swirls around his playfully.
In a burst of courage or excitement, Josh’s hand sneak down and cup Tyler’s backside and Tyler laughs into his mouth at the action. But Josh doesn’t laugh, Josh’s hands hold him so tightly against himself that Tyler can’t even move. Josh gasps so deeply it sounds like it takes him by surprise, and Tyler watches as his cheeks grow pink and he gnaws into his bottom lip, and suddenly Tyler is all too aware of Josh’s hips rocking up against his own.
Josh’s arms go slack and his legs fall open in relaxation, giving a few tiny thrusts as an afterthought.
“Did you-?” Tyler asks in awe.
“Yeah.” Josh smiles shyly and his blush travels from his cheeks, down his neck and disappears under the collar of his hoodie.
Even if Tyler had been focusing on getting them off, he wouldn’t have been able to tell if Josh was even hard because of how many layers there are in between them. But at Josh’s admission, he’s very aware that he’s got a problem of his own.
Josh’s eyes give a sparkle of humor behind the haze of satisfaction in them.
“Stay still.” Tyler warns. As if Josh is going anywhere. He’s boneless and sated, but keeps an encouraging hand on Tyler’s back in anticipation.
He should be embarrassed that it only takes him a handful of rough grinds against the V-line of Josh’s hip to have him staining his own pants, but really it’s been over a year. The yearning trumps trying to last in order of importance when they’ve been apart for too long.
Tyler bites down hard enough on Josh’s neck to break the skin as he comes unraveled, another mark of ownership on Josh’s body because he just can’t get enough.
They’re quiet. Josh swallows thickly. Tyler noses at the bruises he’s made on his lover.
The fire crackles and snaps outside. Jenna and Debby’s laughing is heard above it all.
“S’mores sound good right about now.” Tyler speaks up.
Josh snorts out a laugh and checks his phone.
“It’s four in the morning. And bright as daylight outside.”
“It’s never too late for a midnight snack.”
Josh smiles and gives in.
When they reach the two girls sitting on the log, they’re wordlessly passed the plate of s’mores ingredients. Jenna and Debby are curled up together inside of Josh’s winter coat he had lended her earlier in the day.
Even the sun gets cold sometimes.
The two girls continue their conversation after a momentary glance at their boys.
“I’m still yours?” Josh asks quietly, insecurity shining through his eyes as he nibbles on a piece of chocolate.
Tyler sticks his marshmallow into the fire to burn it to a crisp.
“No. Ours.” Tyler nods to Debby and Jenna beside them, and leans in to give Josh a chocolately sweet kiss.
It only took them 8 years, but Tyler thinks they’ve figured it out.