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"Leading our forces into battle as the vanguard is the only thing I can do!" Yue Jin had told him once. Xu Shu, unable to stop thinking about it, decided that keeping Yue Jin alive is the only thing Xu Shu himself can do.
He thought his work was cut out for him, but it's really not so difficult. Yue Jin makes some risky moves from time to time, but although he's headstrong, he's certainly not stupid. He knows not to overextend himself or ignore orders, even if he gets antsy when being told to wait. Best of all, he's incredibly strong, and surface level scars are the worst anyone can do to him.
People have varying opinions on scars. Some think them to be shameful, that they are proof that you let an opponent catch you off guard. Many think they're honorable, that they're evidence of your survival. Xu Shu sees Yue Jin's scars as a warning: "This is the best you can do."
He never expected to get so attached to anyone in Wei. The strategists in particular have been treating him kindly, as well as the man who introduced him to Yue Jin, Li Dian. Xu Shu had been hesitant to befriend any of them lest they come to rely on him, but Yue Jin has captured his attention so strongly that he can hardly care about his previous concerns anymore. It takes him a long time to open up, and even longer to start listening to the people of Wei's opinions of Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang. A part of himself that he hates quietly detects dangerous truth. Xu Shu tries not to think about it.
Everyone finds it unexpected when Xu Shu first volunteers to assist with a battle. It's not against Shu or even Wu, just an insurgence in the north that would do nothing but harm innocents if left unchecked. He doesn't have to feel like a traitor, and he can finally have a direct hand in helping Yue Jin.
His fellow strategists are speechless when he takes the reins, the silence only interrupted when Jia Xu laughs and claims that he knew Xu Shu could put his foot down. He says he's proud of him. It has to be a joke, but now it's Xu Shu's turn to be at a loss for words regardless. He regrettably ignores the compliment outright for lack of knowing what to say, returning his full focus to his last minute strategy and the orders he's giving.
He fears reluctance at first, but everyone takes him at his word. Yue Jin follows his orders just like any others. It's the first time Xu Shu feels like he's in charge.
The battle is won with minimal casualties on both sides. Xu Shu had come from a nonlethal approach so as to put himself in the best possible position to question the leader of the rebellion. Unfortunately, the forces turn out to be remnants of the days of the Han, believing Cao Cao to have overstepped a boundary and desiring to take him down. Xu Shu has never had to mete out punishment before and his heart matches the pace of his racing mind, his thoughts that are too fast to hear.
Cao Cao approaches while Xu Shu is paralyzed by indecision. He tells the rebel that it was never his intention to disrespect the Han, that he has merely decided he must do whatever it takes to quell the chaos burning across this land, no matter the cost to his reputation. Xu Shu can tell Cao Cao is leaning towards mercy if his explanation is accepted, but that one misstep will lead to the rebel's execution.
The rebel, of course, spits at his feet and calls him a fraud, and a vicious fool. Cao Cao seems amused by the accusation, claiming that he is aware who the vicious fool is. Xu Shu says nothing as the rebel forces are hauled away.
Because they couldn't reach an understanding, Xu Shu feels as if he didn't accomplish much. Everyone seems eager to sing his praises regardless, including Cao Cao himself. Xu Shu finds the attention overwhelming and slips away at the first opportunity he sees. From then on, Xun Yu begins corralling people away from Xu Shu when he starts getting flustered. For the first time, he feels understood.
Xu Shu starts finding it easier to relax. He's often asked to participate in battles, to offer strategies, and he'd always declined without further thought in the past. Now, even if his initial instinct is still to say no, ideas brew in his head and tell him it would be disastrous if they went to waste. It becomes well known that Xu Shu favors Yue Jin, as evidenced through how well he utilizes him. After many victories, people refer to them as "the Mind and the Momentum". Though Xu Shu finds it embarrassing, Yue Jin's eyes lit up the first time he heard it, claiming almost shyly that he likes his title. Therefore, Xu Shu cannot argue.
It's during a banquet with his circle of friends chatting around him that Xu Shu realizes he's found where he belongs. He can speak freely with these people without needing to be wary of traps or tests, and without fearing he is unworthy of speaking with them. When Guo Jia pours him a drink, he doesn't even have to think about accepting it.
Better yet, even if he starts feeling nervous, he has a like-minded friend to lean on. Both of them have little outright confidence in themselves while still being aware of their strengths, but neither is capable of standing idly by while the other is being slighted in any way. Yue Jin almost never puts his foot down, but he is immovable when defending Xu Shu in particular. Xu Shu, of course, is the same towards him.
Xu Shu, being mild-mannered and gentle by nature, doesn't think he's ever experienced true rage. Frustration is a part of life, but he just doesn't get angry, really. If anything, all he feels is anxiety and guilt the day he finally agrees to participate in a battle against Shu. He doesn't take charge, preferring to offer his support from the background this time. This decision backfires immensely; while he hesitates to do anything against Zhuge Liang, the latter takes action against the beloved Momentum of Wei. Yue Jin is successfully isolated by false orders claiming to be from Xu Shu, all because of Xu Shu's inaction.
Normally, the guilt and nerves would only grow until they crushed him. Instead, his fingers dig into his palms hard enough to hurt and he grits his teeth, eyes fierce. He seethes as he traverses the battlefield to where Yue Jin is. The moment he sees the situation, he knows how to break the entrapment. Yue Jin thanks him heartily, uninjured save for a few cuts and bruises. Xu Shu is not soothed in the slightest, and he is done standing by. Xun You is happy to hand control over to Xu Shu, swapping places with him to support their forces rather than command them.
Xu Shu's mind works quickly and efficiently, as shown in his orders that lack any hesitation whatsoever, so none would suspect that his head is occupied by thick betrayal, by the assertion that everything the people of Wei said about Zhuge Liang was right. He wants so badly to meet him, to see if he can grasp a true understanding of the situation. The Wei forces are retreating and Xu Shu should be helping them get away unscathed. He gives them a route and as much guidance as he can offer, and he assigns Yue Jin to cover their tail. In doing this, he's unconsciously placed Yue Jin close to himself.
He doesn't even have to ask-- Zhuge Liang is already welcoming him to come see him. The forces of Shu do not lift a finger against Xu Shu. He desperately wants to understand the truth, but everything he felt from being near Zhuge Liang in the past bears down on him now and prevents him from going forward. He cannot possibly see this as being anything other than a trap. His anger has dissipated in favor of dull confusion and grief, and he politely informs the nearest Shu officer that he has nothing to say to Zhuge Liang.
Yue Jin does not take a single step towards the retreat point until he sees Xu Shu. They aren't being attacked anymore, but being near Yue Jin makes him feel safe anyway.
There is no longer any hesitance in Xu Shu. He feels nothing going up against Shu aside from faint anger whenever Zhuge Liang makes a move of any kind. He can't help but wonder if Zhuge Liang feels a damn thing either. Xu Shu is told that he's scary when he's facing down against his old friend. The word rings bitterly in his ears.
Due to stress, Xu Shu starts overworking himself. Worse yet, he knows how to hide it so people don't try to stop him. When he falls asleep at Xun You's desk after offering to look over the last of his papers and summarize them for him the next morning so Xun You himself could get some sleep, it becomes rather obvious that what Xu Shu is doing isn't sustainable. He only slept for an hour or two despite the crick in his neck now, so he has plenty of time to reread the papers and help Xun You before the self-imposed deadline.
He's sure he's wide awake, but when Xun You shows up, he has to shake Xu Shu awake. He rises with a start and quickly prattles off everything he read and what he thinks should be done. Xun You hesistantly thanks him and asks if he's alright. Xu Shu insists he is fine and takes his leave. Xun You is not convinced.
After that, Cao Cao actually summons Xu Shu just to tell him not to overexert himself, that he doesn't have to do everything himself. He asks him to take some time to rest. Xu Shu stubbornly wants to say no, but he is too exhausted to do anything but accept.
Whispers get around about Xu Shu being overworked, so naturally Yue Jin starts investigating. He visits Xu Shu, whom he finds staring calmly and tiredly at the horizon through the window of his home. Yue Jin sits beside him and offers him food that he brought for him. Xu Shu forces himself to snap out of his reverie to smile and accept.
Spending time with Yue Jin turns out to be good for Xu Shu. Whenever he feels himself starting to decline again, he seeks him out and spends the day with him. Nights, however, are quiet and lonely, leaving Xu Shu alone with his thoughts. He reluctantly expresses this to Yue Jin when asked if everything is alright now, and Yue Jin immediately offers for Xu Shu to simply spend the nights with him too. Xu Shu has a hard time accepting, but Yue Jin insists he doesn't mind at all.
One would think it would take longer for Xu Shu to realize how spending the night with Yue Jin makes him feel, but his heart makes itself known to him on the very first night. The moment Yue Jin falls asleep, Xu Shu can tell. If anything, he's surprised it took him this long to notice.
He manages not to make things weird, but he starts thinking twice about the ways Yue Jin interacts with him. Fearing he's reading too far into things, though, he still doesn't acknowledge any possible double meanings. His feelings get too strong to ignore, but he selfishly stays by Yue Jin's side anyway, well aware that disaster may strike the moment those dazzling eyes happen to look at him wrong. Xu Shu dreams frequently of grabbing him by the jaw and kissing him and wakes up every day wishing he would just do it already.
When it finally does happen, it's incredibly natural. Yue Jin calls him over to the window one morning to watch the sunrise with him just after waking up. He's entranced by the sky, an early sunrise with not a single cloud in sight. Yet, he manages to tear his gaze away just to rest it on Xu Shu instead, and Yue Jin seems surprisingly ready for the kiss, leaning in to meet him halfway before Xu Shu even thinks he's made his intention known. It blows his expectations out of the water.
It makes getting through this era easier, he thinks, having his Momentum beside him. Yue Jin can rest easy too, knowing Xu Shu will always cover him.