Work Text:
DAVE: oh my god!
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: jesus fuckin shit
DAVE: son of a fuck
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT’S WRONG??
DAVE: oh wow
DAVE: cough
DAVE: thats
DAVE: cough cough
DAVE: thats blood
KARKAT: WHAT??
DAVE: yep that is fucking blood
DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: i was NOT expecting that
KARKAT: BLOOD??
KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???
DAVE: nope i shit you not
KARKAT: !!
DAVE: yep
DAVE: wow
DAVE: what a fuckin trip
DAVE: thought i was goin in for a nice smooth cup a joe
DAVE: and by nice and smooth i mean horrible because coffees gross
DAVE: also i think this machine might suck
DAVE: like it might be extra bad at making an already gross thing
KARKAT: DAVE!
DAVE: oh yeah anyway i went in expecting that
DAVE: and bam
DAVE: mouth fulla blood
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT!!!
DAVE: oh my god look
DAVE: check out this dial
DAVE: its not set to coffee
DAVE: its set to
DAVE: well who knows what its set to
DAVE: this whole things in fuckin skaian or whatever
DAVE: but my killer deductive instincts are firin off the charts right now
DAVE: just comically exploded out the top of the charts
DAVE: like some buff guy waltzed in and hit em with a hammer
DAVE: casually won the biggest stuffed crocodile in the joint
DAVE: gave it to some cute little kid who was watchin all awestruck
DAVE: like it wasnt no thing
KARKAT: DAVE!!
DAVE: oh yeah those instincts are informing me theres a hella good chance this is the word for “blood”
KARKAT: EURGH!
DAVE: welp
DAVE: guess now we know where kanayas gettin her supply
DAVE: jesus
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!
KARKAT: THAT...
KARKAT: MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, ACTUALLY.
DAVE: yeah
KARKAT: AND IT ANSWERS A FEW QUESTIONS I’D BEEN TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT.
DAVE: same
KARKAT: WOW.
KARKAT: I’M SORRY YOU DRANK BLOOD, DAVE.
DAVE: thanks me too
KARKAT: BUT I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS KIND OF A HUGE RELIEF.
KARKAT: LIKE I REALLY REALLY PREFER THIS TO ANY OF THE ALTERNATIVES.
KARKAT: NOT BEVERAGE ALTERNATIVES, OBVIOUSLY.
DAVE: haha yeah obviously
KARKAT: I MEAN UH...
DAVE: blood drinking alternatives?
KARKAT: YEAH, THOSE.
DAVE: oh absolutely
DAVE: that goes without sayin
DAVE: ill take a fashionable knitter with questionable coffee habits over a bloodthirsty vampire any day of the week
DAVE: i mean i guess she is still a bloodthirsty vampire
DAVE: like by definition
DAVE: but yknow
DAVE: apparently you can just get a fuckin keurig for that
KARKAT: OH NO.
DAVE: whats up
KARKAT: WHAT UM.
KARKAT: OH GOD...
DAVE: what
KARKAT: WHAT COLOR IS IT?
DAVE: um
DAVE: brown
KARKAT: !
DAVE: oh my god karkat
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: did you like um
DAVE: know anybody
DAVE: ...brown?
KARKAT: UGH, LET ME SEE.
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: OHH THANK FUCK.
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT TAVROS’S COLOR.
DAVE: no?
KARKAT: NO.
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT ANYBODY.
KARKAT: IT...
KARKAT: IT REALLY JUST LOOKS LIKE COFFEE.
DAVE: yeah course it does
DAVE: why the fuck do you think i drank it
DAVE: what you think i picked up a big steamy mug of bright red shit
DAVE: or i guess like pink or green or whatever other fuckin colors youre used to
DAVE: gave it a hesitant sniff
DAVE: shrugged like an idiot
DAVE: unleashed one of my patented strider slack jawed grins
DAVE: and just fuckin tossed it down the hatch
DAVE: hell no
DAVE: did you not just hear about my deductive reasonings karkat
DAVE: this shit straight up looks exactly like coffee
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S...
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S A MIX?
DAVE: like of different color troll bloods?
KARKAT: SURE.
KARKAT: AND MAYBE HUMAN TOO, YOU COULD GET IN ON THE ACTION.
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: whatever “action” this is
DAVE: you can bet your ass im not gettin in on it
DAVE: but ok maybe youre onto somethin
DAVE: maybe its like
DAVE: synthesized blood?
DAVE: a robust blend of all the colors
DAVE: why the fuck not
DAVE: might be nicer actually
KARKAT: NICER?
DAVE: yeah you know
DAVE: lets you kick back and enjoy a brew without it uh
DAVE: reminding you of anybody
KARKAT: RIGHT.
KARKAT: I GUESS YOU COULD EVEN JUST PRETEND IT’S COFFEE.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: well
DAVE: mystery solved i guess
KARKAT: YEAH.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: you wanna try it?
KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DON’T!
DAVE: aw cmon i tried it
DAVE: it wasnt so bad
KARKAT: DAVE, YOU JUST GOT DONE MAKING A HUGE FUCKING SHOW OUT OF HOW BAD IT WAS.
DAVE: yeah but i was just surprised
DAVE: trust me it throws you for a fucking loop expectin coffee and takin a shot of blood straight to the taste buds
DAVE: but YOU know what youre gettin into
DAVE: you got time to mentally prepare
KARKAT: YEAH, I’M PREPARED, DAVE.
KARKAT: PREPARED TO SAY I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT FUCKING MUG.
DAVE: aw cmon
DAVE: wheres your sense of adventure
KARKAT: IT’S DEAD, DAVE.
KARKAT: MY SENSE OF ADVENTURE DIED A LONG TIME AGO, AND I DON’T EVEN MISS IT.
DAVE: pssh
KARKAT: BESIDES... WHAT IF I GOT A TASTE FOR IT?
DAVE: huh?
KARKAT: MAYBE *I’M* A RAINBOW DRINKER, AND I JUST HAVEN’T BLOOMED YET.
DAVE: haha “bloomed?”
DAVE: seriously?
KARKAT: YEAH!
KARKAT: YOU DON’T WANT THAT, DAVE.
KARKAT: YOU DON’T WANT TO AWAKEN ANYTHING... DARK AND INSIDIOUS IN ME.
DAVE: bahaha
DAVE: i donno dark and insidious karkatd prolly be way cute
KARKAT: NO IT FUCKING WOULDN’T!
DAVE: yes it most definitely would
KARKAT: I WOULD BE A FUCKING *TERROR!*
DAVE: naw
DAVE: youd just keep me up all night with your stupid glowing is all
DAVE: ok on second thought vampire plans are cancelled
DAVE: sorry karkat
DAVE: im not sleepin with a fucking night light
KARKAT: I WOULD FUCKING DRINK YOUR BLOOD THE FIRST CHANCE I GOT!
KARKAT: I DON’T CARE IF THIS STUPID COFFEE MACHINE HAS A FUCKING BLOOD SETTING!
KARKAT: I’D EAT YOU JUST TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!
DAVE: naw
DAVE: you wouldnt
DAVE: youd miss me too much
KARKAT: NO I WOULD NOT!
KARKAT: YOU’D BE DELICIOUS AND IT WOULD BE THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE!
DAVE: nope
DAVE: not even close
DAVE: youd be riddled with remorse
DAVE: clutchin my withered husk of a body
DAVE: red tears streakin down your face
DAVE: minglin with my red humany blood as it drips down your chin
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.
DAVE: all tenderly kissin my pallid lips
DAVE: tryna spit some blood back into my mouth
DAVE: in the vain hope itll bring me back
DAVE: spoilers it doesnt im dead
DAVE: so dead i cant even appreciate that sick vain/vein vampire pun i just made
DAVE: it is my only regret
KARKAT: DAVE, THIS IS HORRIFIC.
DAVE: hey man youre the one started down this line
DAVE: im just seein it through to its logical conclusion
DAVE: mindin my own corpsey business
DAVE: gettin remorse smooched without my consent
KARKAT: EURGH!
KARKAT: OK. FINE.
KARKAT: MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO BE A RAINBOW DRINKER.
KARKAT: I’M NOT SURE I HAVE IT IN ME.
DAVE: yeah me neither
DAVE: ...
DAVE: did you ever have to that in the game?
DAVE: kiss anybody i mean
DAVE: anybody dead
KARKAT: NOT IN THE GAME, NO.
KARKAT: BUT UM.
KARKAT: AFTERWARDS.
KARKAT: I KISSED KANAYA.
DAVE: oh dang
DAVE: really?
KARKAT: YEAH.
KARKAT: WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY DREAM SELVES LEFT AT THAT POINT, BUT I THOUGHT I MIGHT AS WELL TRY.
KARKAT: IN THE END IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER.
KARKAT: TURNS OUT ALL SHE NEEDED WAS UM...
KARKAT: SOME FRESH BLOOD.
DAVE: oh shit
KARKAT: ...I WATCHED JADE KISS YOU.
DAVE: what
DAVE: you did?
KARKAT: YEP.
KARKAT: I HAD TO TALK HER THROUGH IT, ACTUALLY.
DAVE: holy shit
KARKAT: YEAH, IT FUCKING SUCKED.
DAVE: aw karkat were you jealous
KARKAT: WHAT??
DAVE: i bet you were
KARKAT: OH YEAH, DAVE.
KARKAT: I WAS REALLY JEALOUS AT THE SIGHT OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS HYSTERICALLY KISSING THE BLOODY CORPSE OF ANOTHER OF MY FRIENDS. THAT WHOLE FUCKING NIGHTMARE REALLY JUST SHOT A LANCE OF LUSTFUL RAGE STRAIGHT UP MY POSTURE POLE.
DAVE: aw
KARKAT: AW??
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT WHAT I JUST DESCRIBED COULD POSSIBLY ELICIT AN “AW,” DAVE?
DAVE: nothin just
DAVE: you thought of us as friends
DAVE: even then
KARKAT: YEAH, OF COURSE I DID!
KARKAT: WE WENT THROUGH A FUCKING LOT TOGETHER!
DAVE: yeah we did
DAVE: i guess it was a little different for you tho
DAVE: since you could like
DAVE: see me
KARKAT: WAIT.
KARKAT: DID YOU...
KARKAT: NOT
KARKAT: THINK OF US AS FRIENDS?
DAVE: what no sure i did
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE?
KARKAT: BECAUSE IT REALLY KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME UNTIL WE MET IN PERSON.
DAVE: what no
DAVE: no way dude you know thats not true
DAVE: cmere
KARKAT: BLUH.
DAVE: cMERE man
KARKAT: OH GOD YOU SMELL LIKE BLOOD.
DAVE: haha oh no sorry
KARKAT: IT’S REALLY FUCKING AWFUL.
DAVE: dang this must be what every mornings like for rose huh
KARKAT: OH JEGUS.
KARKAT: YOU’D BETTER NOT TURN INTO A RAINBOW DRINKER, DAVE.
KARKAT: I DON’T WANNA DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.
DAVE: naw i think youre safe it was gross as hell
KARKAT: GOOD.
DAVE: cool now where were we
KARKAT: I THINK YOU WERE TRYING IN VAIN-
DAVE: ayy sweet vampire pun
KARKAT: UGH. YOU ALREADY FUCKING DID THAT ONE, DAVE. IT DOESN’T COUNT.
DAVE: damn holdin yourself to a pretty high standard there
DAVE: i was willing to give it to you
DAVE: but ok if you insist
DAVE: i dont wanna get in the way of your personal pun growth
KARKAT: HEH. THANK YOU.
KARKAT: WHEN I DO ONE IT’S GONNA BE ORIGINAL AND IT’S GONNA KNOCK YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF.
DAVE: cant wait
KARKAT: OK *ANYWAY.*
KARKAT: BEFORE WE WENT DOWN THIS SUPREMELY STUPID AND CONVOLUTED RABBIT HOLE, YOU WERE TRYING...
KARKAT: *FRUITLESSLY*
DAVE: nice
KARKAT: TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU GAVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME BEFORE WE ACTUALLY MET IN PERSON.
KARKAT: IT WAS SO LONG AGO MY MEMORY’S HAZY, BUT I *THINK* YOU HAD SOME KIND OF POINT TO MAKE.
DAVE: oh right
DAVE: the point i was makin was that all you trolls sorta blended together for a while there
KARKAT: WHAT??
KARKAT: DAVE, THAT’S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF CONVINCING!
DAVE: what no cmon
DAVE: you know what im talkin about
KARKAT: NO I DON’T!
DAVE: yes you do like oh my god karkat there were fuckin TWELVE of you
DAVE: thats so many goddamn people to keep track of
KARKAT: /:B
DAVE: and everybody had their insane quirks that were sposed to make you stand out
DAVE: but it just kinda made me not wanna pay attention at all
KARKAT: WHAT??
DAVE: i mean you all wrote in different colors anyways
DAVE: that woulda be fine it woulda been simple
DAVE: i will NEVER understand why you thought you had to throw weird extra shit on top of that
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?
KARKAT: THAT’S JUST HOW WE TALKED!
DAVE: what like even to each other
KARKAT: YES!
DAVE: why
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW! WE JUST ALWAYS DID!
DAVE: yeah but thats insanely unnecessarily complicated dude
DAVE: you know that right
DAVE: like im gettin light headed just thinkin about it
DAVE: all the fuckin extra letters and number letters and weird upper and lowercase letters
DAVE: and those stupid ass symbols
DAVE: like im pretty sure there was a guy always started his sentences with a dick
DAVE: just a straight up dick
DAVE: every new line
DAVE: what the fuck was that
KARKAT: YEAH...
DAVE: i mean hey it was memorable i guess
DAVE: you know
DAVE: points for standin out from the crowd
DAVE: still dont remember his name tho so
KARKAT: SIGH.
KARKAT: THAT WAS EQUIUS.
KARKAT: SUPPOSEDLY IT WAS A BOW AND ARROW.
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: the horse guy
DAVE: the sweaty horse guy
KARKAT: YEP.
DAVE: damn i see him all the time in dream bubbles
DAVE: wow now next time we talk all im gonna be able to think about is those weird dicks
DAVE: aw man
KARKAT: ...SO I DIDN’T STAND OUT TO YOU AT ALL?
DAVE: what no dude
DAVE: YOU definitely did
KARKAT: UH HUH.
DAVE: im serious man
DAVE: thats what im gettin at
DAVE: you were so fuckin shouty
DAVE: i always knew for sure when you were rollin up
DAVE: also you didnt have any stupid ass quirks
DAVE: just nice simple all caps biz
DAVE: which it turns out is pretty much exactly how you talk at all times
DAVE: so you know
DAVE: it fits
DAVE: you werent tryna do some fake stylized garbage
DAVE: you were just livin your truth
KARKAT: HAHA YEAH?
DAVE: yeah most definitely
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU TYPE, DAVE?
KARKAT: LIVE YOUR TRUTH?
DAVE: yeah of course
KARKAT: TOO FUCKING COOL FOR PUNCTUATION.
DAVE: exactly
KARKAT: TOO LAZY TO CAPITALIZE EVEN THE MOST CAPITAL-WORTHY LETTER.
DAVE: what no thats cool too
DAVE: thats so obviously in the same category as the punctuation thing karkat
DAVE: the two go hand in hand
DAVE: like two extremely chill peas
DAVE: who are secure enough in their chillness they dont mind goin around holdin hands all the time
KARKAT: HEH.
DAVE: look i definitely liked you back then ok
DAVE: i mean not like i do now obviously
DAVE: but you were fun to talk to
DAVE: and i for sure never lost track of which one you were
DAVE: i was excited to actually meet you
DAVE: way more than i was to meet the fuckin horse dick guy
KARKAT: HAHA, THANKS.
DAVE: hey
DAVE: you want some coffee?
DAVE: like some real coffee?
DAVE: ill change the dial back an everything
KARKAT: EHHH.
DAVE: oh cmon its for science
DAVE: we gotta make sure it works
DAVE: and i already took a bullet with that last cup
DAVE: its your turn now
KARKAT: UGH. FINE. I’LL BITE.
KARKAT: FUCKING POUR ME SOME.
KARKAT: HOPEFULLY IT DOESN’T SUCK.
DAVE: ...
KARKAT: ...
DAVE: oh my god
KARKAT: HM?
DAVE: that was it wasnt it
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DAVE: that was your fucking vampire pun
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, DAVE.
DAVE: holy shit karkat it was
DAVE: and a double fucking whammy no less
KARKAT: |:B
DAVE: dont lie to me
DAVE: dont do that karkat
DAVE: not after everything weve been through
DAVE: that was it
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: MAYBE.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: hrk
DAVE: ppfff
DAVE: hahahahahaha
DAVE: HAHAHAHA
KARKAT: WHAT, NO GOOD?
DAVE: bahaha
DAVE: oh my god dude no
DAVE: its perfect i love it so much
DAVE: wouldnt change a thing
DAVE: just
DAVE: absolute a+ delivery
DAVE: im serious
DAVE: i am in awe
DAVE: hahahaha
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOUR SOCKS?
DAVE: gone!
KARKAT: YEAH?
DAVE: oh yeah dude so gone
DAVE: consider them knocked
KARKAT: (:B
DAVE: they have left my body
DAVE: theyve left the room
DAVE: theyre out in the inky blackness of space
KARKAT: GOOD.
DAVE: fuck you karkat i loved those socks
KARKAT: HAHA!
KARKAT: I’LL GET YOU SOME NEW ONES.
DAVE: you better
DAVE: this meteors cold as shit and its your fault my poor toes are bare
DAVE: unswaddled
DAVE: all exposed to the elements
DAVE: like ten sad little lusus-less grubs
KARKAT: OH NO!
DAVE: oh no is right
DAVE: now heres your fuckin coffee
KARKAT: THANKS.
DAVE: :)
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: ...
DAVE: well?
KARKAT: COUGH COUGH!
KARKAT: BLUH!
DAVE: !
DAVE: oh fuck what is it
DAVE: is it blood
DAVE: its blood isnt it
KARKAT: NO.
KARKAT: IT’S JUST...
KARKAT: THIS MACHINE MAKES REALLY REALLY SHITTY COFFEE.
DAVE: haha yeah it does
DAVE: honestly im all kinds of dubious about this thing now
DAVE: like blood and coffee come outta the same nozzle
DAVE: is it like a soda machine where its all seltzer
DAVE: and depending on what you pick it mixes in a little bit of flavoring
DAVE: like what the fuck is the base ingredient here
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY THAT *AFTER* I STARTED DRINKING?
DAVE: haha sorry
DAVE: oh shit karkat
DAVE: what the hell
DAVE: you JUST took another sip
DAVE: that is so not on me
KARKAT: HAHA YEAH...
KARKAT: I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE ADDICTED TO THIS STUFF.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: me too who am i kidding
DAVE: im makin another cup
DAVE: oh hey
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: theres another fuckin setting
KARKAT: OH YEAH?
DAVE: yep
DAVE: ...
DAVE: dare we?
KARKAT: I’M NOT DARING SHIT, DAVE.
DAVE: oh what
KARKAT: NOPE. YOU JUST MADE A BIG FUCKING DEAL OUT OF HOW WE’RE APPARENTLY TAKING TURNS TRYING THE STUFF THAT COMES OUT OF THIS MACHINE.
KARKAT: I DID THE LAST ONE, AND I GOT COFFEE.
KARKAT: NOW IT’S YOUR TURN AGAIN.
DAVE: god damn
DAVE: hoisted by my own
DAVE: uh
DAVE: turn based beverage experimentation
DAVE: fine
DAVE: my sense of adventure is alive an well
DAVE: im fuckin goin for it
DAVE: karkat
DAVE: if i dont make it
DAVE: ...
DAVE: please tell equius i love him
KARKAT: HAHA OH FUCK YOU!
KARKAT: JUST TRY IT ALREADY.
DAVE: ok
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: ...
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: oh my god its syrup
DAVE: its fuckin maple syrup
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
DAVE: oh hell i donno
DAVE: you guys prolly call it something impossibly stupid
DAVE: like boiled tree blood
KARKAT: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE CALL IT. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
DAVE: haha yeah i got it right?
DAVE: you sure its not fuckin condensed arboreal drippings?
KARKAT: THAT’S ALSO AN ACCEPTED TERM.
DAVE: viscous three pointed leaf trunk water
KARKAT: THAT ONE’S REALLY OUT OF FASHION, AND YOU SOUND LIKE A TOTAL DOUCHE SAYING IT, BUT IT’S STILL TECHNICALLY CORRECT.
DAVE: bahaha
DAVE: you have no idea what this shit is do you
DAVE: here try it
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: OH MY GOD IT’S PANCAKE DRESSING!
DAVE: hahaha
DAVE: thats it isnt it
DAVE: thats the real one
DAVE: i can see it in your eyes
DAVE: dont even try to hide it
DAVE: “pancake dressing”
DAVE: god damn
KARKAT: SO WHAT, IT’S BETTER THAN FUCKING “MAPLE SYRUP!”
DAVE: no it is objectively not karkat sorry
DAVE: shit weve made some serious discoveries today
DAVE: and not just on the linguistic front
DAVE: im talkin we gotta make some pancakes post fucking haste
KARKAT: WHAT ARE-
DAVE: hey now i know you know what those are
DAVE: you said the word first
DAVE: nice try
KARKAT: SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT.
KARKAT: FINE, I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
DAVE: i guess pancake is already kind of a stupid compound troll word huh
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.
DAVE: huh!
KARKAT: DAVE?
DAVE: mm hm?
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TO MAKE PANCAKES?
DAVE: no
DAVE: do you?
KARKAT: NOT A FUCKING CLUE.
DAVE: welp
DAVE: better revive your sense of adventure bro
DAVE: cuz this is gonna be interesting