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The snowflakes got tangled in her long blonde hair when she made her way through the empty street. The sound of her steps was quiet on the white layer covering the stone. Narcissa pulled her long cloak close to her shivering body, her breath forming clouds in the air in front of her. She was shivering partly due to the cold air hitting her face but also partly because of where she was about to go. Narcissa wanted to visit a specific place to feel closer to the one person she had loved with every fiber of her being. She wanted to remember those summer days when the sunset had turned red hair into melting gold and those long nights they had spent stargazing and sloppily making out. Above all, she wanted to talk to her one last time, say goodbye to Lily Potter.
Carefully, Narcissa made her way to the entrance gate of the graveyard in Godric’s Hollow. The darkness of the winter night helped her to go by unnoticed when she whispered a quiet Alohomora. The lock of the gate slid open and the witch slowly pushed it away to slip through. She took a deep breath before she continued down the pathway. Her heart started beating faster with every step that took her closer to the grave she was looking for. Narcissa felt the pounding strongly and pressed a hand to her chest trying to calm her pulse but she couldn’t help it. And then, after walking around a corner, she saw it: The Potter’s grave. The still so new looking grey stone amongst others, that were much older. Fresh flowers were placed in front of it, the white petals almost indistinguishable from the snow surrounding them. Narcissa stopped directly in front of it to read the engraved letters. In loving memory of James Potter and Lily Potter. The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.
Narcissa felt a sting in her eyes when the first tears formed and quickly her vision was blurred out. When she had heard of Lily’s and James’ death it had hurt her deeply and brought back feelings she hadn’t felt since her time at Hogwarts. All the sadness came back, all the despair and anger. Their time together had meant the world to her and when it had all come to an end it had broken their hearts. Lily had shown Narcissa how to embrace the little gestures in life, how to look forward to a good future and how to live in the present rather than worrying about what cruelty might come. But then cruelty had come in the form of social norms and expectations that Narcissa hadn’t been able to leave behind. She regretted it still and promised herself to be even stronger in the years to come. The only consolation for Narcissa had been the knowledge that Lily had found a husband that adored her and made her happy. That’s what the few letters the blonde kept hidden away were about – the life of Lily after Narcissa had left her to keep up the pretense of a respectable family. At what cost?
“You’ve taught me so much”, she whispered while kneeling down in front of the grave. Her slender fingers, almost tinted in a light blue from the cold, gingerly swept across the grey stone and brushed of the powdery layer of snow on top of it. Narcissa could nearly feel Lily’s presence, so close to her corpse that was laid underground. It wasn’t fair that someone as loving as Lily had to leave this life while others, cruel and heartless people, got to live on.
Narcissa had just given birth to her son Draco not too long ago, after having lost two girls before. When her mind wandered to the night when the Potters had been attacked, she couldn’t help but imagine a little toddler sitting in his cradle, innocent and full of potential, looking up into the icy face of the Dark Lord. Little Harry having to watch his parents die, being traumatized. A sob left Narcissa at that thought and she suddenly felt a strong yearning to hold her own son close to her heart and to never let go of him again.
“How can I say this without breaking?”, she asked the gravestone in front of her. Narcissa’s voice was a quiet whisper against the harsh winter air, “How? It’s too much!” Then she stood up and screamed to let out all the emotions she had so carefully bottled up years ago: “I loved you! And I lost you!” Her hands were fists in her coat pockets. “I lost you twice!” Ant the first time had been her fault for not being brave enough to leave behind the carefully crafted dynamics of her ancient families. The second time was at the hands of a brutal ideology being abused by witches an wizards that Narcissa called her friends and relatives, an ideology that she was brought up with and had to slowly unlearn. And a certain redhead had impacted her way of thinking significantly.
Soft kisses in the library, stolen from her lips in the dark corners of the hallway, quick embraces between classes and long talks at the lake. Their hands pressed together, fingers entwined, a feeling of belonging. That was what Narcissa still kept safe in her heart and what she was aching for, because no one had been able to give her what Lily had made her feel. And the blonde witch knew deep down in her heart that she would never be able to let go of her first love completely. “And it hurts like hell”, she said slowly. It hurts like hell that I have to go back to my life knowing that now the world has two kind souls less.