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Things were always a little harder when he was away. It was necessary and you understood that. You never wanted to be the clingy girlfriend that couldn’t function without their significant other within arms reach, but it was still hard. There were phone calls and text messages and Facetimes scheduled even a few trips planned within the months he was away. But it was still pretty rough.
This time was different though.
You’re not sure what it was if you had more things to distract yourself with or the fact that you had one trip more planned to fly out to see him than your usual, but you were feeling much better. The first few days of him being away were usually pretty rough, rougher than they should be. It’s just that you would always get so used to having him around so often that when he wasn’t there it was strange. But now? Going on day one without him with you, it felt like nothing had changed.
“Shawn!” you smile into the phone answering on the first ring.
“Hey Honey, how are you?”
“Good! I’m good, I got a bunch done today. Finally.”
“Yeah? That's good. I miss you already. It was weird not being kicked awake this morning.” He jokes and you can hear that smirk on his face. You were a mover in your sleep and he had gotten used to waking up at all hours of the night to you rolling around in the sheets taking the covers with you.
“I miss you too. But you're having fun right?”
“Yeah, yeah I -” He wasn’t expecting this from you. Usually, that first phone call after he’d left was a somber one. Of course, you would try your best conceal it from him but he could always hear how hurt you were. But you sounded...fine. Happy even. And as fucked up as it sounds, the happiness in your voice made his heart twist a bit in his chest. Because it wasn’t just happy he could hear, it was euphoria. You rambled on more about your day, and you slipped in a few ‘I wish you were here’s’ before he interrupted you mid-sentence.
“Honey.”
“Yeah?” you asked through a smile.
“Are you - have you been taking your meds?” The line goes quiet for what feels like a whole minute and he has his answer right there.
“That’s none of your business.” you snap, voice laced with venom. You don’t mean for it to come out as harsh as it does, but you were also pissed.
“Honey -”
“Why would you even ask me that?”
He curses himself running a hand through his hair. He really didn’t have a right to ask. It was your business but that didn’t stop his worrying. And by the sounds of it, he had every right to worry.
“I just want you to be okay baby, that’s all.”
“Well, I’m doing fine. Thank you for your concern.”
“I didn’t mean to -”
“Goodnight Shawn.” You hung up the phone after that before he even got the chance to apologize.
....
The next time you spoke it was like that first phone call had never happened. And you were more than okay with that because this time you were far from okay. This time you found yourself with your arms wrapped around your knees while you sat on your bathroom floor, in the dark and the only thing you can feel the cool tiles against your skin.
“Shawn,” you say into the phone, voice cracking. You didn’t even try to hide it, you were too much of a wreck to care, and you didn’t even know why. A few days ago you were fine, and things were looking good considering Shawn being away for the first time in a while, but then all of a sudden you were hit by a wave of something you couldn’t quite explain, but it left a hole in your chest, and it made it hard to breathe, everything just went dark. You had convinced yourself that everything was just...wrong. You were a fuck-up, Shawn didn’t love you, and there was just no point in anything anymore. You felt guilty about calling, but you just needed to hear his voice, as shitty as you felt, as much as you had convinced yourself that he hated you, you just wanted to hear his voice.
“Honey.” He sighs into the phone, and you can hear hum excuse himself, the noise in the background getting quieter. He looks down at his phone and checks the time, “Baby its three in the morning there, you should be in bed.”
“I know I just. Do you love me?” you sniffle, whipping at your eyes.
“Of course I do.”
“Even though I’m fucked up?”
“Honey. Your not- there’s nothing wrong with you.” He says softly. He’s had this conversation with you only a few times, and each time it broke his heart. He knew that when you were in one of these moods when you were stuck in your head there was nothing that he could do to get you out of it. All he could do was comfort you the best way that he could until whatever it was you were feeling just faded away. And being thousands of miles away this time, made everything thousand times worse.
“Yes, there is Shawn. I’m fucking broken and I’m a mess.” you hiccup into the phone, and suddenly it becomes harder to breathe. “I’m sorry you have to deal with my shit, Shawn. I’m so so so sorry.”
“Hey, I need you to breathe for me, okay?”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Hey, listen to me. You’re okay, yeah? We’re alright.” He takes a few deep breaths instructing you to follow along with him and you do, eventually being able to breathe again on your own.
“There you go.” He says finally hearing your breathing go back to normal and he relaxes a bit himself.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper into the phone. You feel calmer, but the tears still haven’t stopped.
“No, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” he assures, “Can you do something for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Make yourself a cup of tea and go put your blanket in the dryer for a minute. You know the one?”
“Yeah.” you sniff
“Go put it in the dryer for a few minutes and then try to get some sleep, okay?” It was something that he did for you the first time he’d seen you this upset. Put a blanket in the dryer to warm it up and wrapped it around you. Something about it grounded you and made you feel safe. You’d done it a few times yourself when he was away, and you were particularly lonely. It always managed to calm you down.
“I want to talk to you though.” you pout into the phone, hoping that it’ll convince him to stay on the line with you. And as much as he wants to, he knows that you just need to sleep it off for a while.
“I know you do but you need sleep more baby. You can call me as soon as you wake up. I’ll answer on the first ring I promise.”
“Okay.”
“I love you.” He says into the phone with more conviction than he ever has.
“I love you too.”
You hang up and his heartbreaks. He feels so helpless. He wants to help you but he knows that there's nothing that he can do. Your in a battle with your own mind and all he can do is tell you that he’s there for you and hope that your taking care of yourself. And by the conversations, you’ve had the last few days. He knows that your not. You're not taking your meds. And he can't do anything about it.
.....
The following week he finally has a few days off in his schedule and he’s booking tickets immediately flying home to you. It wasn’t planned, and it would only be for three days, two if you take travel into account and to most people the trip wouldn’t be worth it, but he needed to get to you even if it were just for a few days.
“Honey can we talk.” He asks from his spot on the couch. You finished fidgeting with the Blue-ray player, turning to him with a smile.
“Yeah.”
He extends his hand out to you and which you gladly accept. He pulls you into his side, and you instinctively lay your head on his shoulder, lacing your fingers together. He doesn’t even know how to begin the conversation, to afraid it’ll end in a fight. But he doesn’t know what else he can do, he can’t stand to see you hurting like you have been, even though he knows you’ve been putting on a brave face, he can see the cracks and he just wants to help put you back together again.
“I know that it’s none of my business, and I don’t have a right but -”
“I’m okay Shawn,” you whisper.
“Baby you called me at 3 o’clock in the morning in tears.” you look down at your fingers intertwined with his. “I know you're not taking your meds. And I know it’s none of my business, but honey you’re not okay.”
“I was doing fine though.”
“I know you were.” He sighs placing a soft kiss to the top of your head, “But that doesn’t mean you can stop taking them. They’re there to help.”
“I just don’t want to have to take pills to be normal. I’m tired of being the crazy girlfriend.” It was a thought you had often, feeling guilty that Shawn had to deal with your ‘meltdowns’ every so often. Hating that you had to take pills to be able to function as he could. Wishing that your brain would just….work. That it didn’t play tricks on you, and that you just could be happy without it meaning that something was possibly wrong.
“Hey, you're not crazy. Don’t say that. You’re just wired differently that's all.” You don’t say anything, just not and nuzzle in closer to him. “I love you, Honey. No matter what.”
“I love you too.”
.....
After your talk you decided it was best you start back on your medication, and after a week, your back to your normal self. Well, stable self. It’s strange, at first. Looking back and realizing just how bad off you were without them, and part of you is worried that something else will happen that will trigger something again. But you were doing better, and for now, that was okay. You had to keep reminding yourself that it was one day at a time.
Shawn had arranged for you to fly out to stay with him for a few shows, it was tricky with work, and you had to send a few schmoozy emails to your professors to get them to excuse you, but it was worth it. You needed it. He needed it. After what happened, he just wanted to be near you, to make sure you were okay, and yeah it may have been wrong, to want to keep an eye on you, but he didn’t know what else to do. And well, you loved seeing him on stage, nothing made you happier than watching the smile on his face while he performed.
“You were amazing up there tonight babe. As always.” You say snuggling up to him in bed, laying your head on his chest.
“Thank you.” He chuckles, laying a kiss to your forehead. There’s a moment of comfortable silence between you for a moment before he decides to speak up again, “How you feeling?”
“Perfect.” you sigh placing a kiss to his chest, “Just perfect.”