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my past has tasted bitter, for years now—
Dan feels more fucking confused now than he did a week ago, before all this started. That’s not quite it, it’s been started for ages, but before all of this became a public thing he had to contend with. Before he made a video where he thought he’d been clear enough. Before he did a liveshow where he thought he was being even clearer. Turns out he’s been as opaque as ever. Not only that, he’s been an ass. A condescending ass. And he knew it, but he couldn’t help it. He’s not the only one to blame— or maybe he is, who even knows at this point? All he knows is he’s wrapped in his grey duvet as Phil edits a video for his channel beside him and he feels like absolute shit.
He should be helping Phil edit, or at least offer to help. He’s in the video, and Phil’s only posting it as some last-minute damage control because Dan couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut.
But he can’t focus, much less edit, right now. Can’t do anything but lie here and sweat though he won’t kick the duvet off because then he’ll feel as exposed as he has been ever since he uploaded “Trying to Live My Truth” four days ago.
Phil nudges Dan’s calf with his foot under the covers. “If you’re gonna fall asleep, you should brush your teeth,” he says. Dan grunts. He knows Phil is right, and he knows Phil means to be helpful, but when he’s already feeling ornery he sometimes resents Phil’s occasional attempts to mother him.
He gets up anyways. It feels good to stand, despite the pounding in his head. He brushes and spends too long staring at his face while he does so, zoning out and wondering what the hell he’s even looking at: a grown man who is afraid of the consequences of being himself? He wonders if he’s just lost any ability to make a good video. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it just wasn’t a good video. Or maybe… it just wasn't the video people wanted it to be.
It wasn’t a coming out video.
Wasn’t meant to be anyways. He could have let it be, if he leaned into the way people took it. Maybe he’d feel less like shit now. Maybe he wouldn't have felt like a frightened, cornered cat and shown that clip in the liveshow and read the tweets afterwards that, to put it mildly, did not appreciate the correction.
He knows that’s not true. He knows if he let it be a coming out video he’d be on the floor right now in a panic attack. He’s not ready. He wants to be, but he’s not.
Soon… maybe. Someday. Someday soon.
He doesn’t have a therapy session for another eight days. He doesn’t think he can untangle this mess without an understanding stranger who isn’t a stranger anymore to help him untangle it. Phil has tried to help, he’s in their bed trying to help right now with editing the video after all, but he doesn’t understand why Dan reacted the way he did. And, for that matter, neither does Dan. So it’s hard to untangle considering they can’t even find the loose ends.
He’s done brushing and done staring, so he makes his way back to the bedroom. He stands by the foot of the bed and looks at Phil’s concentrated face, the furrow in his brow, the glasses drooping down on his nose. “What if it doesn’t work,” he says.
Phil looks up and pulls his headphones off. “Hmm?” he asks.
“What if it doesn’t work. What if they’re still ready to burn me at the stake.”
“You can’t think of it like that,” Phil says, patting the empty space on the bed beside him, inviting Dan back into the comforting warmth.
“Feels like it,” Dan says, crawling to that patted place.
“Only feels like it because your brain is lying to you right now,” Phil presses his lips against Dan’s temple.
Dan thinks maybe he’s right. But he also thinks that Phil doesn’t get how the comments bug him more, have always bugged him more. Maybe that’s the problem. If the comments under “Tying to Live My Truth” hadn’t bothered Dan, then he wouldn’t have felt the need to respond. And if he hadn’t felt the need to respond, then the audience he’s spent nearly a decade building wouldn’t feel so talked down to right now.
He wishes he could just block that shit out the way Phil does. Phil makes sure he enjoys his videos, he edits them carefully and thoughtfully and he knows what he puts in them is exactly what he wants to have there— but he doesn’t agonize over every word, every frame, every joke the way Dan does. He doesn’t have a DINOF triangle he feels beholden to. Dan is quite proud of his videos, but he does wish that they didn’t take so fucking much out of him every time he makes one. That’s why he’s been making them less and less after all.
He doesn’t think he’d be happy making videos the Phil route. The closest to that he can manage is the gaming channel, and that’s fine in its way. He loves Phil’s videos. But it’s not what he wants for his channel. He thinks he could be happy with a different method of creating if only he could find one he liked.
That’s the trouble. Finding it.
Especially right now, when his dramatic lying brain is telling him he’ll never create again. That’s not true of course. He and Phil will make a gaming video in a few days, just in case this video for Phil’s channel doesn’t work and he’s still very despised. And the tour is him creating. And he thinks the video he means to make around June— the video that will be what people want from him, if he can manage it— will show his lying brain that he’s perfectly capable of doing what he’s done for all these years, but better. Always better, if he can.
He wants to always be on an upward trajectory. He wants to be good. And he really feels like he hasn’t been lately. That’s what a breakdown will do…
He’s reminded of a line from that monologue he clacked out that will eventually be released on a mug as part of their merch store. The one about Internet Support Group where he says i am merely a highly flawed individual that for some reason is burdened and privileged with the responsibility of managing the emotions of millions of people anonymously online.
Phil nudges him, breaking Dan out of the loop of his own brain. He tilts the laptop towards Dan. “I think it’s ready. Wanna watch it over?”
Dan shakes his head. Usually, he would. Right now he’s just going to trust Phil and have it posted. He’s not going to go back online until the morning. He’s going to hope things feel better by then.