Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Lives… change worlds. People can save planets, or wreck them. That’s the choice. Be the best of humanity. Or…”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

Yasmin’s voice was quiet, so soft that initially the Doctor looked as if she wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly- her eyebrows shot up in surprise as she blinked, head jerking backwards. Ryan and Graham exchanged an uneasy glance, and Graham started to try and say something but Yaz cut him off with a short, sharp gesture. “How can you just… go on? We- we’ve just seen our planet, our home , completely destroyed, and now you- you lecture us about it being preventable?  It’s easy for you to say- it’s not your planet we’ve just seen annihilated!” The hard lines of her face were set, and she had a very ugly expression as she glared at the Doctor.

Graham’s attempt to interject died with his half-hearted smile as he looked from Yaz to the Doctor. The time lord’s expression was blank, frozen in shock at the outburst, and like slow motion she blinked, her jaw clenching so taught that it might’ve broken through her skin. A deafening silence stretched, even the TARDIS’ usual murmuring and comforting motion seemed to mute, as Yaz seemed almost shocked by what she’d said. After a long, terrifying moment, the Doctor’s shoulders fell and her back straightened, a laborious breath being drawn in through her nose. She didn’t say a word.

“Doctor, I-” Yaz began, but the time lord had already turned away, expression hidden from the humans as she began to aggressively manipulate the TARDIS console, yanking levers and slamming buttons with such force that the noise filled the suddenly uncomfortably small space. “Doc, c’mon,” began Graham, walking towards the doctor as a now-tearful Yaz shrugged off a hug from Ryan, “She- we’ve had a long day, there’s no need t-” he stopped in his tracks, pulled up so quickly he might’ve been hit as he saw the expression on the Doctor’s face. She was bent over the console, the angles in her back and shoulders taught as she looked at him, knuckles white against the two controls. Every single line in her face painted in fury, and the old man took a step back, paling.

The TARDIS interior shuddered and lurched, pitching it’s travellers to the floor- save the Doctor, who was anchored to the console, breaths growing closer and closer as they materialised. The engines groaned and finally stilled, the glowing column settling with it’s usual thud, but this time it seemed to reverberate ominously around the room. Ryan scrambled to his feet and glared reproachfully at the Doctor. “No need to go flingin’ us around like that,” he grumbled, but his protests seemed to fall on deaf ears as she stormed past him and yanked the door open.

She paused on the threshold and looked back at the three humans, illuminated from behind by a blazing gold light, which threw her features into shadow. “Come on then,” she said, voice shaking. None of the three moved. A stillness of, for the first time, fear, had stolen over them, and Graham was the first to speak, glancing between the doctor and Yaz and Ryan. “Doc… where have you brought us?”

The Doctor’s expression twisted into a vague semblance of a grin, though it was anything but joyful. It recalled to Yaz a similar expression worn, not too long ago, by another of the Doctor’s people, and she felt just as sick watching her now. “You asked to see my home,” her voice was low and full of a roiling tension that sounded like a shout was a moment away. “So come and take a look.”

Without another word, she strode from the TARDIS door. Ryan, Graham and Yaz all exchanged glances. “Anyone else… properly freaked out right now?” muttered Ryan, as Graham nodded. Yaz was quiet, her expression haggard. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, wiping a tear away from the corner of her eye, “I just- seeing Earth like that… it’s not right… it’s not fair for us to deal with.”

Graham fixed her with a reassuring smile, hand patting her shoulder. “I know, Yaz,” his voice was soft, catching on the syllables, “But we’d best go and look at what the Doc wants us to see. I’m sure we’ll be able to talk it out properly… we’re all friends, after all.”

Ryan exchanged a frowning glance with Graham, unspoken uncertainties passing between them. “It’ll be fine, c’mon,” muttered Graham, heading towards the door. “Maybe we’ll even get some answers…”

***

The Doctor didn’t bother to reach up to wipe the tears of rage tracking down her face. She was almost afraid to move- she was so furious and so far gone, her cheerful demeanour so utterly shattered, that she wasn’t sure she could hold it in. The rage and hurt was too big for her body, too big for her TARDIS, almost too big for her planet. 

Her planet.

Because of course the Earth wasn’t hers, not really. How could it be? Clearly, she was too alien, too callous, too different from them, for them to see her as one of their own. Even when she had worked so hard. Even when she had done everything to cover for the vast tracts of time that stretched in her memory, even when she carefully and lightly danced away from the truth. And now they were about to see her for what she was and as much as she had tried she felt it inevitable, surely as she would always fall to fire and bloodshed, the tide of rage was insatiable and unstoppable, even for her.

She heard the swing of the TARDIS door and the shocked murmurs of her companions but she didn’t bother to acknowledge them. She could barely keep herself from shaking with rage and misery, and they still came. And they would still ask questions.

“Doc...”

Finally she turned, eyes blazing. Yaz looked sick. Ryan couldn’t even meet her eyes. Graham, for once, seemed at a loss for words. In fact, the usual tirade of questions, of opportunities to poke and prod and pry, had finally seemed to run dry.

Too late.

“This is Gallifrey,” she said, voice harsh. “The Master destroyed it- this time around. He found something out about our people, about the Timelords, that made him so furious he burnt everything to the ground.” She stopped, drawing in a breath as the pressure built in her temple, threatening to take her into a dark, knife-sharp vision. The doctor put a hand to her temple, face screwing up as she hitched a breath. “I don’t know what it was. But- that makes us the last. If he’s still out there somewhere- we’re on our own again.”

“Again?” Yaz looked appalled, the word falling from her half open mouth. The Doctor nodded, fury crystallising coldly in her chest. “Yes, again. And this- this isn’t like Earth-” she spat the name of the planet, the planet she adored, the planet she poured her lives into protecting. “This is a planet of time travellers. Events… causality…. It’s so complicated here. This isn’t even connected with the rest of the universe. I can’t go back and save them- it’s a fixed point in time. I brought them back once- I can’t do it again.”

The hole of grief opened in the pit of her stomach and threatened to drag her into it. She was filled with fire but it was an all-consuming flame, and she let it take her.

“Did-” Graham’s voice was hesitant, and she saw herself in his head and hated it. She could imagine his view of her now- shoulders sagging, brow drawn. A defeated and singular being, hands finally empty of tricks and illusions, no longer able to produce a rabbit from a hat, no longer holding all the answers, all the cards. Just a lost and wounded traveller with no home and no hope.

“Ask me,” she ordered, voice calm. If they wanted answers so badly they could damn well have them, because she didn’t care anymore. Graham looked uncomfortable, but, after a glance at Ryan and Yaz, continued.

“Did the Master destroy Gallifrey before, as well?”

She breathed out, a long, long sigh, one that almost didn’t end. A hysterical breath that might’ve been a laugh escaped her as she shook her head, fresh tears overflowing. The humans exchanged worried glances and started towards her but she held out a hand, gritting her teeth. “Don’t!” she shouted, body threatening to cave in on itself. “Do not give me sympathy,” she spat through gritted teeth, straightening her back and lifting her chin. 

“But why?” now Yaz was on the offensive again, her voice twisting with a plaintive note that tore at the Doctor’s broken hearts. “Why wont you let us help you? Why didn’t you tell us before- we’re your friends, we want to make you feel better. Why are you so convinced you don’t deserve any sympathy?”

The Doctor’s manic grin faded and her head bent once more, ready to deliver the fatal blow, the words that would destroy her fragile, cosy little fam.

“Because the first time around, the Master didn’t destroy Gallifrey. I did.”

The effect was immediate. Graham, who had been moving towards her, stepped back, shaking his head. Ryan let out a quiet little word- it might’ve been what? -and Yaz…

Yaz was looking at her with those furious, shocked eyes she had seen so much recently. Another to add to her list of crimes- Yaz, the entire fam, would never be the same now, thanks to her. She had tried so hard this time, tried to be good, tried to be safe, tried to be friendly. But it always seemed to end the same. They died, or they left, or they were chased away… She would never get to keep them with her for long. And she would almost always leave them worse than she found them. She couldn’t seem to help it.

“Who are you?” Yaz was barely recognisable as she spoke, her voice filled with disdain and pity. The Doctor accepted the tone with a half nod, rocking backwards from the head down. “I am… not who I pretended to be. I’m not just travelling. I’m running.”

“Running from what?” Ryan asked, his expression wide open and confused, as if he couldn’t accept that their friendly time traveller was unravelling into a monster before his eyes. She shrugged a shoulder with a snort.

“Running from everything. From the past- from my past. From what I’ve done and who I’ve been. From who I was supposed to be and everything I’ve done wrong. From all the lives I’ve ruined and all of the people I’ve let down.” She paused to draw a ragged breath, voice steadily rising. “Because that’s who I really am. I try and do the right thing but I always, always get it wrong. I screwed it up with my own people, and they- I fucked it up so badly they tried to kill me hundreds of times over, so I came to Earth and I tried to save it instead, because I love you, I love humans, but I can’t ever seem to stop hurting them instead! And look at you all! I clearly haven’t changed at all!” 

She stopped short, shout dying in the ash-filled air, as if she was seeing her fam for the first time. Yaz had her hand over her mouth, tears beading in the corner of her eyes. Ryan looked scared- scared of her, because she was being scary, she was scary. And Graham just looked at her with a pitying expression she couldn’t stand. She wanted to run and hide from their eyes. She shook her head, feeling the restlessness of panic, of not knowing where to go from here, of being unable to fix it, filling her. She wanted to run, she had never so badly felt the call that chased her across the thousands of years and through skies and stars and fire. The call to escape. But she couldn’t, there was nowhere else to go. She couldn’t run from Ryan, Yaz and Graham, and she couldn’t leave them here.

“Wait in the TARDIS,” she said finally, eyeing the ground, voice low and defeated. “I’ll take you back.”

“But-” Graham started, but she looked up at him, and shook her head. “Wait in the TARDIS,” she repeated softly, before turning and marching off down the slope.

Chapter Text

“Feeling better after that, Doc?”

Graham’s attempt at a lighthearted question sounded off, but the doctor had to admire his bravery in approaching her at all after that performance. Very, very brave, or just naive. Or loyal , she thought, and her heart twisted miserably. She turned expressionlessly to him, sat in the ash of once beautiful red fields.

“You never heard of letting sleeping lions lie?” she bit tiredly, her fury simmering down but never leaving her, the irritation still evident in her voice. Graham paused, hands in pockets as he lifted his eyebrows mildly.

“You a lion now, Doc?” he asked, and it wasn’t an empty question. She felt sick. He was still trying to appear calm but she could feel his anxiety rolling off him in waves. She tried to ignore it but in her furious and desperate state she couldn’t help opening her mind a little bit, and his fear sliced at her hearts. Was she a lion now? Could she ever hurt them? Never intentionally but- well, what was she doing now? She should stop, she should take them home where they would be safe and where they could recover from the trauma of knowing her. But she couldn’t- she wasn’t human, she was so much less and more, but her feelings were demanding now to be addressed, and she hadn’t the strength to fight them off anymore.

She stood, slowly, golden hair lit with fire from behind her and stared him down, her chin raised defiantly. The fury, simmering unpredictably, bubbled up again. Why should she feel so sad? Why should she feel terrible about being what she was, what she had been made into? She had tried to warn them off, but they had pushed and pushed and pushed. They weren’t much enjoying what they were seeing now the mask was discarded. They should have let her keep it on.

“I’ve been a lion for over two thousand years,” she said, voice arid and harsh as the wind running over the lifeless desert on Desolation, and she held her nerve as Graham winced in shock. She couldn’t seem to stop now- after holding in so long, it was like an open wound, with emotions bleeding from her and coating everything. “I’ve been… so many awful things. I’ve lost more than you could ever know. I-” she swallowed, jaw twitching, before continuing in the same quiet, deadly calm monotone, “I burned this planet to ash to try and save all of time. I destroyed entire fleets to try and save people and I fought the Master through time and space.”

Graham looked appalled, but he shook his head. “You- you’re…” he put a fist to his mouth and she turned away from him, before he could turn away from her, and sank back to the ground, a little puff of dust rising around her. She would have to face him, face all of them eventually, but they could wait a little longer, whilst she looked numbly out onto the burnt fields, the wind blowing nothing but death in her face.

“You’re two thousand years old?”

She blinked, turning her head sideways in surprise. He still looked apprehensive, but he had come a little closer, and he looked like he was already regretting it, being fixed again with her gaze. “I mean- you know I-I-I’ll go if you want me to, you don’t have to answer, but-”

“Over two thousand,” she said, returning her gaze to the fields. She felt no more fury, just bitter shame accompanying an endless sadness that pooled like a shallow ocean in her mind, the tide coming in and taking away everything on the beach- the castles of rage and the walls of isolation she’d built around herself- all was falling gently and quietly into the brine. “I was born here over two millenia ago and I’ve had thirteen faces.” She may as well include the one she didn’t talk about, the one she tried to bury. He would be at home here- no people, no integrity, no right to even call themselves the doctor. Not after what he would do, and not after what she had done.

“My people, the Timelords, swore never to interfere and I… never much cared for that. So I interfered. Wasn’t ever any good at following the rules, and it got me in a lot of trouble with them. But I couldn’t ever stand by and let people suffer, not while I could do something. But… everything I’ve tried to do since the war, I’ve done wrong. I’ve only ever lost people or pushed them away, because I can’t stop destroying things. It’s like the universe knows I killed my own people and now, getting people killed is the only thing I’m good for.”

There was a lengthy pause, and she frowned, something occurring to her. “Sit,” she said, without looking at him, “If you want.” He was probably too nervous to be too near her, but it was unfair to make him stand. She wasn’t angry anymore but she certainly wasn’t safe. She was like a cliff, or sharp rocks, or a roiling sea. Not dangerous by malice, but so sharp and full of edges that the humans would be hopelessly dashed against her points. Graham entered her peripheral vision a small distance away and sunk to the ground, regarding her with an expression of worry. “How… how do you do it?” he asked, voice quiet.

“Do what?” she asked tiredly, having no energy left to dodge or deny or even to try and scare him off. How could she kill her own people? How could she destroy worlds? How could she be so callous about it, now?

“How do you keep going?”

She let out a laugh that was more of a strangled sigh, a bitter smile forcing it’s way onto her face. “I- have to,” she said, turning her head towards him, eyebrows pulled up, “I can’t give up. I- have people and planets left worth protecting. There are too many things in the universe that need to be fixed. Too many horrible things out there in the night.” She looked up to the darkening sky, sighing. No stars- just empty blackness, stretching on forever. “I didn’t want you to find out. I-” she shuddered oddly, eyes overly bright. “I have such a temper,” she whispered, unable to meet his eyes suddenly. “When I travel with humans you make me better. I need someone with me, to remind me. To stop me.”

She wiped her suddenly damp eyes, remembering a fiery-haired and wonderfully kind friend from so so long ago, who had said as much. You need someone to stop you . She missed her. She missed all of them, so much that her hearts ached so badly she felt sure she was dying. She wondered how she would come back this time. Could she get any more twisted up?

The answer, supplied by her own mind, was an emphatic yes. If she didn’t keep fighting. If she didn’t keep reminding herself through the eyes of her friends of how terrible and vengeful she could be. If she ever stopped caring for a second, she could be so very much worse.

So she would let them ask their questions, and burden herself with the guilt of letting them down, so that next time- oh god how her hearts hurt and her back ached at the thought of shouldering the mantle of the benevolent and kind Doctor once more - she could try and do better.

***

Yaz was finding it hard to stand still.

Ryan had gone to make a cup of tea a while ago and wasn’t back yet. Or maybe he had only just left. She couldn’t remember. A second later she forgot again as she made another revolution of the console, one arm crossed over her chest and the other propped on it, fingers worrying her lips and tapping repeatedly at them, as if they could somehow prompt the right words to begin to address this situation.

“I assume you know,” she said, staring accusingly around the room. The TARDIS gave a doleful sort of murmur and she nodded, chewing her lip. “Figures,” she said, pausing and turning, stopping in one spot for a second. “You’ve been dealing with her for a lot longer,” she remarked, eyes nervous and over-tired and annoyed and tearful, although she was working on that one as she questioned the TARDIS. “How do you not just…” she trailed off, shoulders tightening. 

Just what? Leave her? She couldn’t consider it. She had seen the hollow look and the miserable slump in the Doctor’s shoulders and she knew she couldn’t imagine doing anything other than trying to comfort her. But the warm, wonderful, friendly woman they had all thought they’d known was turning into something very ugly indeed, and she wasn’t sure she would get the chance.

She was still cross, but now it was layered with guilt and a sinking sliver of fear, lodged deeply and irreversibly in her heart. The cold fury on the Doctor’s face was replaying over and over again in her mind, that harsh empty voice that she’d only heard the Doctor use before when she was berating some terrible alien for their cruelty whirling around her mind until she felt fit to burst.

An entire planet… at the Doctor’s hands, and then the Master’s… were they so different? She felt just as hopeless and lost as when she had thought she was dead, as if her compass had been disconnected and set adrift, spinning rapidly and leading her nowhere. They had wanted answers but suddenly it all made a lot more sense. What she was hiding from them, what she didn’t want them to see. The way her expression sometimes slipped into overly bright eyes, a slightly sharp smile, a tinge of vindictiveness when she was hissing at hostile creatures… a recklessness and impulsivity that only fitted on someone running so fast they didn’t care where they were going, only that they were moving.

Footsteps announced Ryan’s return and he held a mug out to her, eyes not inviting argument. She started to protest, but he shook his head. “Yaz, you’ve had a shock,” he said, gentle but firm. Grace, Yaz thought, would’ve been so proud of him now. She accepted the cup with a wan smile that vanished very quickly and sipped it, turning to lean her back against one of the columns in the TARDIS.

“I can’t believe she killed her own people,” she said at length, not looking at Ryan. He glanced at her, sat with his hands resting between his knees, looking weary. “She did say they had tortured her,” he replied feebly, expression nonplussed. Yaz shook her head. “She lied to us. She pretended everything was just fine and that she was fine and even when we nearly got killed and she fought the Master and we knew something was wrong, she wouldn’t talk to us, and now she’s angry? Well, I’m angry!” Yaz was building energy, and she put the mug down on the TARDIS console before spinning to face Ryan.

“How were we supposed to know? How was I meant to know? She- could’ve told us, she could’ve said, “Hey fam, just so you know, I’m a bit sensitive about my past because there’s some messed up shit in there, so please don’t ask me about it or I might turn into a complete monster!””

At that moment, the doors swung open with their usual creak, and Yaz turned, expression wide eyed with panic. Graham was stood in the door, grimacing, and with him-

Her expression told Yaz she’d heard everything. She almost looked unbothered, but the slight wrinkle in her forehead and the tension in her jaw told her everything she needed to know. Yaz sucked in a breath through her nose and shut her mouth abruptly. She stared at the Doctor, eyes blazing and defiant. It was almost a challenge, and Yaz was so agitated she didn’t stop to consider what might happen if she further pissed off the already agitated timelord. But, considered or no, she was certainly about to find out.

Chapter Text

Yaz was glaring at her furiously, clearly having meant the words that the Doctor hadn’t meant to overhear, but the timelord could practically feel the fearful hammering of Yaz’s heart through the still leaking telepathic circuits. She didn’t even need to have overheard the young woman’s outburst to tell what she was thinking of her. Disgust, fear, frustration, betrayal. Nothing she hadn’t felt before, but she’d been trying so, so hard, and it had blown up in her face anyway. She was so sure they would turn away from her if they found out the truth and she was about to have to deal with it- and so soon after losing Gallifrey again. She couldn’t make herself angry anymore. She just felt sad, and tired, and impossibly old.

It felt exhausting to walk across the console room to face Yaz, unable to meet her eyes- to meet any of their eyes. Her head was bowed sadly and she finally looked up, hazel eyes meeting brown and finding no quarter. She gestured vaguely to Graham and Ryan to come and join Yaz as she tried to find the words to give them any sort of explanation for her behaviour. “I didn’t turn into a monster,” she said flatly, when all three were gathered expectantly before her, “I’ve always been one. I just. Was hiding it better.” She ran a hand across her temples before dragging it down her face, expression collapsing from calm to broken.

“Let me tell you a story,” she said softly, leaning back on the TARDIS console, as if having it at her back could somehow support her and hold her up. The console gave a loving, echoing noise, like the distant echo of an impact on the hull, heard through water. She sucked a breath in and for a long moment hovered on the edge of speech, mouth open but not sure where to begin.

“I’m a traveller because I never had a place here,” she began, “I couldn’t be a Timelord right . There were… a lot of rules and… you know how I am,” she half smiled, and Graham, bless him, actually let out a small chuckle. Even Yaz’s lips twitched slightly, although her posture was still defensive. “I stole a TARDIS- she wasn’t even called that, then, my granddaughter gave her that nickname-” she swallowed through a painful lump and desperately tried to avoid the looks that the humans shot each other at the mention of her family. “And I ran away. I tried to help, where I could. I took humans travelling around time and space. I made allies and enemies. I always tried to do what was right, but- I saw cruelty out there, so much needless cruelty. And so I started to respond to it in kind.” She had been studying the floor but at this she looked up at them, eyes bright but not yet teary.

She knew which part of the story came next but… it was hard. It was impossible. She’d briefly broached it with Graham but… how was she going to explain. Behind her, the TARDIS made another, comforting noise and she sighed. “I-” she breathed out, suddenly trembling. She turned her back on them and bent over the console, feeling as if her chest was about to collapse. But the TARDIS was ready to help her. She felt a questioning little touch in her mind and she nodded, opening her mind up to the telepathic circuits. The screens flickered to life and showed the humans what she couldn’t explain. Gallifrey, burning. Numbers, displayed using Arabic numerals so that the humans could read them, piled up. They watched as the chaos unfolded in Arcadia, as frightened screams filled the air. The Doctor didn’t watch- she didn’t need to. She rattled off the final number count of the dead, not a digit out of place.

“Every time I close my eyes,” she whispered, still bent over the console, “I can see them. I had to do it. For the sake of every planet in the sky, I had to do it. If I hadn’t- no civilisation would have been safe. I couldn’t stop the Daleks without killing my own people. Destroy the Daleks, destroy the Timelords. I couldn’t- believe I was capable of doing it.” She sniffed loudly, not facing the deadly-silent humans. She could feel the pity and horror rolling from them.

“I-I thought you said-” Ryan began uncertainly, and she wiped her eyes quickly and turned to face him, “The Master destroyed Gallifrey?”

She nodded, swaying on the spot. “He did. I- they saved them. My former selves, my- other iterations. They saved Gallifrey and hid it here. And the Master-” her face twisted in helpless agony, “Found it and-” another vision as she recalled his words, and she dropped to her knees, hard, with a cry of pain. What did it mean? What had he found? The TARDIS swam back into view and she held her head, which felt a lot like it was trying to shatter. “Doctor!”

Yaz’s face appeared in front of her and the doctor fixed onto her eyes, breathing heavily with a bewildered expression. Yaz was- still worried about her. After everything she had said, after what she’d put them through. “I’m fine,” she said, realising she was crouched on all fours. “The Master- he discovered something. About the Timelords.” She stood up and closed her eyes, gritting her teeth as she rolled her head. “I can’t… get to it. It’s… just out of reach, in my mind, I can feel it but I can’t-” It danced away again, into unknowing. She opened her eyes. “Whatever it was, it- well, you saw it out there.” She glanced towards the door, the raw wound being jabbed once again. “He- he was furious. Said he had to take revenge on them. So- we’re the last ones. Again.”

The horrific shroud of loneliness wrapped around her and she sank into a sitting position against the console, almost ready to retreat under it. “I’m the last Timelord in the entire universe, again …” she gazed blankly past Ryan, Graham and Yaz, unfocussed. The Master would find a way back to torment her further but that was very, very cold comfort just now. “Seeing Gallifrey like that… it brought everything back. Who I am. What I’ve done . I thought I could hide it but- I failed you. I’m sorry. I lied. You were in danger with me from the beginning, because Yaz is right. I am a monster. I should never have pretended otherwise.”

***

Ryan felt sick. Everything he had heard, everything he had seen- it was a lot. A lot to wrap his head around. He understood now the irritable mood the Doctor had been in since her encounter with the Master. How she’d kept her temper as far as she did was amazing. He exchanged glances with Yaz and Graham and then knelt down, putting himself eye level with the shattered looking Timelord. “Doctor,” he began uncertainly, still not quite forgetting her rage from a short while ago, “What do you need?”

She blinked miserably up at them, knees pulled to her chest as she shook her head. “I don’t need anything. I- I’ll take you home, I promise. Just-” her eyes filled with tears, “just give me a moment, okay, and then I’ll take you home.”

“Why d’you want rid of us?” Yaz asked, tone irritated. Ryan shot her a reproachful glane, but she ignored him, plonking herself down cross legged in front of the Doctor and frowning, “All of this- and you wanna send us away? Doctor, you need help . And you need friends.”

“Yaz, go easy on her-” he protested, worrying about another surge in tempers, but the Doctor was just gaping at her, nonplussed. “Y-you don’t…” her eyes were huge, and she looked so childlike it was hard not to want to embrace her- not that he would, since he had no interest in violating anyone’s boundaries, but the implication of what she was saying hurt his heart. “Doctor,” he murmured, and she glanced at him, looking unexpectedly vulnerable, “Did- did you think we’d wanna go, if we found out.”

She nodded uncertainly, and there was a joint noise of exasperation from the humans.

“I could do without the temporal temper tantrums, but it doesn’t mean we don’t wanna be here for you,” Yaz said incredulously, trying to keep irritation from her voice and expression, “You’re telling me you’ve been sitting on this for weeks ? And you didn’t think to tell us?” Graham groaned behind him, muttering something along the lines of “of course”, and the Doctor chewed her lip. “It… it wasn’t easy to talk about. I wanted to- to forget, but then-” she took a shuddering breath, more tears starting, “We were on Orphan-55 and-and I-I tried so hard t-to save you, to save the Earth an-and it-”

“Oh god,” Ryan mumbled, glancing at Yaz and Graham in a panic. Yaz winced, and shuffled forwards on her knees. “Doctor, I am so, so sorry, for what I said, I-I-”

“You didn’t know,” the Doctor mumbled miserably, through a stream of tears, “You didn’t know, I’m sorry, I should never have brought you all here, I- I was just- I kept it in and it was so hard. Even before the Master it was hard- you- you don’t know how much I have to concentrate to keep it all hidden so I can be okay for you. I didn’t want you realising how… how alien and monstrous I really am.”

All three of them protested that statement at the exact same moment. “Doctor, you did what you had to do,” Ryan said earnestly, eyes wide and honest. “Yeah, Doc, it sounds like you really went through it, that don’t mean you’re a bad person,” Graham chipped in. The Doctor was just looking at him incredulously. “How- how can you say that,” she breathed, shaking her head. “I- I’ve killed so many people. I’ve destroyed so much.”

“Because you were trying to do the right thing,” Yaz said grimly, “It’s the trying that matters, not the outcome. You did your best. I believe that.”

“But what about- what about the hiding, and the lying and dragging you all here and- and shouting and-”

“That was pretty unfair, yeah, but, given the context, I think we can get past it, don’t you?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor still looked unconvinced. “I- I don’t think you understand,” she said, “I’m dangerous , and you could still get hurt, I mean- look at what happened with the Master, that was- I barely saved you all on time.”

“It’s like you said, Doc,” Graham said, “Only I don’t reckon you knew what you were sayin’ at the time. You need someone to stop you, cause you’re a bloody danger to yourself.”

“Yeah, if you seriously think bottling something like this up was healthy, I think you need to reconsider your status as a Doctor,” Ryan added, eyebrows raising, “You gotta look after yourself as well as us, you know.”

The Doctor let out a long breath and the lines in her body seemed to soften a little. “I-I’m sorry,” she breathed, voice twisted and plaintive in a way that made Ryan’s chest hurt, “I- I shouldn’t have underestimated the human capacity for kindness. I- I’m sorry you have to deal with this. With me.”

“Yeah well, we’re not,” Ryan insisted firmly, “We’re not sorry at all. Doctor, you’re our friend . We’re here for you.”

The sniffling timelord looked as if she was about to start crying even harder, and Ryan looked sideways at Yaz. Yaz’s expression had softened completely, and she put her arms out questioningly. Everyone was surprised as the Doctor shuffled forwards and all-but collapsed into Yaz’s arms, and started sobbing in earnest.

Chapter Text

Yaz’s arms and lap were full of a suffering timelord, and she had never felt more sure of what to do. She took a shuddering breath and pulled the Doctor close, one arm wrapping securely around her back and the other coming to rest, shaking, on the top of her soft blonde bob. The Doctor was shaking with sobs, and Yaz felt her eyes starting too, squeezing even tighter and pressing her face into that golden hair, wishing she could just hug the pain out of her. She knew it was hopeless- it made her heart hurt to even try and imagine that level of loss- but she could at least do this.

Ryan and Graham both looked at an absolute loss, truly shaken. Yaz knew how they felt. She always seemed so confident, so ready, so alive. She had never imagined the Doctor could ever feel so… small, and vulnerable, but in Yaz’s arms her frame was tiny, trembling with grief it couldn’t contain. She realised as she continued moving her hand in soothing circles along the Doctor’s back that she could feel her shoulder blades poking through the material, and wondered how much she’d eaten since she’d found out.

The Doctor’s hands were clinging to the back of Yaz’s top, and the timelord was balling herself up further, as if she was trying to disappear inside her coat. “It- it’s okay, Doctor,” murmured Yaz, “It’s going to be alright. I’ve got you, it’s okay.”

Slowly, the heart-shredding weeping turned to muffled little sobs and finally, almost without anyone noticing, to steady, even breaths. Yaz had kept up an almost constant murmuring, another accompanying noise overlaying the TARDIS’ distant crooning, and the combination of the two seemed to have lulled the exhausted timelord into sleep.

Yaz broke off in her whispered stream of reassurances, and looked around the console room, hand still absently stroking the Doctor’s blonde locks. Almost as if summoned, in a manner that was nearly comical, Graham walked back into the room with a cup of tea, followed by Ryan. “Did you want one, Yaz?” asked the older man, ambling over. Yaz shook her head with a smile, raising her eyebrows to her abandoned mug from earlier. “The British recourse to literally anything,” she whispered with a smile, which she then tenderly aimed down to the sleeping timelord on her lap.

“She asleep?” Graham asked, settling into a chair and peering at the mop of hair that partially obscured the sleeping Doctor’s face. Yaz nodded, brushing back a few blonde strands to see. The timelord’s perfect features were creased with a frown, but she was the least tense any of the fam had seen her since- well, since the Master.

“I could kill him,” Yaz muttered suddenly, uncharacteristically venomous. Ryan and Graham exchanged alarmed glances, but looking down at the poor Doctor, Yaz believed what she was saying. “He was supposed to be her friend. Who does that to their friend?” A furious knot was starting somewhere in her heart as she imagined the Doctor discovering what the Master had done, and all alone… “She thought they were safe but he went and murdered them all over again.”

They fell silent, staring down at their guide, their friend, laid defencelessly on the floor. “What must it feel like…” Ryan wondered aloud, voice almost reverent in it’s quietness, “Being the last one… It must be so lonely.”

“She’s got us though,” Yaz said hopefully, but something in Graham’s face made her pause.

“What?” she asked, and he grimaced. “When I was outside, talkin’ to her,” he said, hesitantly, “She said- she said she was over two thousand years old. No wonder she’s been so leery getting to know us. Our lives would be over in a moment from her point of view. I reckon that’s what’s done this. Over two thousand years of living, and a war that from the sounds of it nearly ended the universe… everyone close to her gone.” He clicked his teeth and shook his head despairingly.

The Doctor made a strange little gasping noise in her sleep and they all turned to look. Yaz felt her heart crack asunder with what she saw. Tears, fresh ones, were tracking down the unconscious timelord’s cheeks. “She’s crying in her sleep ,” Yaz realised, putting a hand to her mouth to stifle her own noise of shock. “Oh Doctor,” she breathed slowly, “What are you dreaming about.”

***

The red hills waved as if just for the two of them, as Theta and Koschei plunged into the grass, away from the citadel, away from the stuffy chambers and lofty speeches, quick laughs snatched from their lips by the wind. Theta lagged behind, his legs burning, but one look at his friend kept him surging forwards, up the hillsides.

“If we keep running like this, we could leave!”

Koschei had paused to let his friend catch up, and Theta crested the hill panting, hands on his knees. “See every star,” he echoed their pact. “Gonna have to get faster at running if we’re going to run to the universe,” he joked, and Koschei laughed, throwing his head back and toppling over backwards in an exaggerated fall so he was laid back in the burnt red strands, watching the stars wink into existence.

Theta sat, staring down fondly at the reflections of the sky in his friend’s eyes. He was caught staring, but Koschei frowned in concern, sitting up. “Are you hurt?” he asked anxiously, sitting up and leaning forwards to examine Theta. “No?” he replied, bewildered. Did he look hurt? He felt moisture tracking down his cheeks and touched the corner of his eye with a finger. Tears clung there when he took it away, glittering in the starlight.

“Why am I crying?” he murmured, staring at them. The distortion of light caught the myriad blinking lights of the citadel behind it, a microcosm of the universe on the tip of his finger. Beautiful and confusing.

Suddenly, there was a blossoming of light down below, on the citadel, as if glowing flowers were blooming. Theta gasped and stood, but Koschei grabbed him by the chest. “It’s too late for them!” he shouted, and Theta turned, afraid. There was a cold light in his best friend’s eyes, an age that didn’t suit his features. “What have you done?” he whispered, horrified, and his voice wasn’t his. It sounded older, impossibly hard. Vowels gained odd emphasis and it was femmenine, and bitter.

“Why should it be easy for you?” Koschei was changing, melting together- older, with a beard and swooped back hair and a haughty expression, maniacal and dangerous in a bizarre suit, beautiful and terrible with curls piled over smoked eyes, and finally looming over Theta, flickering and unseeing, delivering a punishment without even the decency of being present for her to scream at him.

“It wasn’t for me.”

The Citadel fell and Theta felt every scream as if it were her own.

***

She gasped and attempted to stand, but her legs tangled awkwardly and she ended up smashing into another body that was somehow under hers. With a thick gasp of fear, she fell backwards, and someone behind her failed to get out of the way and she collided with a pair of legs. “Doctor!” multiple voices called, and she let out a pained whine, pressing her hand to the side of her head. “Need to leave,” she said, a terrible keening note in her voice as she all but hauled herself upright by the TARDIS console. She barely knew who she was, and it was because of this planet, this twice cursed and eternally miserable planet.

“Do you need to fly the TARDIS right now?” asked Yaz anxiously, following her around as if she feared she might fall. She nodded without looking at her friend, jamming dials into place and wrenching levers around until the ship lurched into flight. She sighed in relief, sagging against the console. “Shouldn’t fall asleep on a dead world,” she muttered, shaking her head. “Especially not Gallifrey. Whole species of telepaths killed. That’s gonna leave some massive marks in the subconscious landscape. It’s like the whole planet’s mourning them.” She screwed up her eyes, trying to chase the sound of the screams from her head. 

Her breaths slowly returned to normal, as did a shake in her legs, and she turned with a watery, apologetic smile. “Sorry,” she croaked, “Just… a bad place to take a nap. I mean-” she blinked at Yaz, suddenly realising what she’d implied. “Not- not you Yaz, you were a great place to take a nap-” the woman’s mouth popped open amusingly, but she quickly shut it again and pretended as if nothing had happened, “But- not a great idea on that planet. Timelords are-” she smiled, shaking her head bitterly, “Nothing if not tenacious, even when they’re just memories.”

The TARDIS seemed to relax into flight, and the Doctor imagined the cold fire of the time vortex scouring her ship’s walls clean of the ashes of the Timelords. How many children this time, she wondered, feeling cold.

“Doctor,” Graham asked cautiously, and she slowed down for a moment, expression wary but ready to face his questions. “Are- are you alright?”

Her shoulders sagged and she dropped her head forwards with a sigh before picking it back up again, never letting it lower for too long. She had done enough being angry. It was time to try being kind again. “No,” she admitted, putting a few fingers to her temple, “No I’m not. But- I’m less not-okay now, I think.” She truly didn’t know. It wasn’t like she hadn’t lost something before- she’d lost something on this scale before, and the hurt went on and on, but… somehow, her fam had made it okay for her to not be okay.

“Are you all alright?” she asked nervously, “Be honest- I- I wont be upset, or cross. If you need some distance-” They were already denying it and she sighed, holding her hands up. “Okay. Well- I- I just told you a lot. It’s a lot to process. I…” she steeled herself. They had a right to ask, since she’d forced them into knowing what had happened. “I imagine you might have questions,” she said, trying not to pull a face. “I’ll- answer what I can. It’s the least I can do.”

Yaz, Ryan and Graham exchanged dubious glances, but eventually, Yaz cleared her throat. “Doctor,” she said, looking uncomfortable, “Who- who was the Master to you? Really? ”

Chapter Text

The Doctor sighed and nodded. The last unturned stone. It may as well have been a boulder. She had one last tragedy to unspool for them. “The Master- we- we were best friends. We really were. The Timelords were-” she stopped, eyes cold. “They were the mightiest and wisest, but they were cruel and ruthless. Entering into the Academy was… hard. On both of us. So many expectations to uphold, so many rules to adhere to.” She shrugged, the smallest ghost of a smile playing around her lips, and tears started in her eyes as she shook her head. “I- I’m sorry it-”

“Doctor you don’t have to talk about it,” Yaz said, immediately, “I thought sharing might help you there but- if you’re not ready…” The Doctor shook her head. “If you want to understand me-” she flicked her eyes over Graham and Ryan, “If you truly want to know, then… you need this piece too.”

“Doctor, we wanna be here for you. If you need someone to know what you’re going through, we’re here, but don’t tell us because you think you should.” Graham’s expression was serious, and she chewed her lip, thinking. She felt… oddly detached from the situation, and crying into Yaz had made the ache in her chest just the slightest bit easier to bear. Maybe it was the right call. But she wasn’t sure she had another story in her- her dream still felt very close. In fact…

“I can show you,” she said, surveying them grimly, “I can open my mind and show you my memories. But- you have to be sure. It’s really… not pleasant in here. I wont ask it of you.”

Yaz stared at the Doctor for a moment, before wordlessly nodding. “I wanna help, Doctor,” Ryan said earnestly, “And I think… I think sharing helps anyone, if they’re ready to be heard.” Graham nodded, pride in Ryan emanating from him. “Okay,” the Doctor sighed, motioning for them to sit. “I need you to take each other’s hands. I wont be able to show you everything, but- I think I can give you the gist.” Ryan and Yaz took their positions on either side of her, and they both held onto Graham. The Doctor centered herself with a deep breath and closed her eyes, reaching a hand up to the young humans’ temples.

***

They were stood on a hill, watching two young men chatting. Only the hillside was red, and in the distance, a domed structure glinted majestically in the dual suns. Graham recognised it instantly. “This is…”

“Gallifrey,” the Doctor said, stood next to them. Tears streamed silently down her face, but her voice was strong and clear as she spoke. Suddenly the old Earth man got just a hint of what he was looking at- the very last heir of a dead race, the sole keeper of an entire culture, stood in the memories of her scorched world, shoulders thrown back and hair windswept in the morning sun.

“We’ll see every star,” one of the boys was saying, gesticulating wildly with his arms, “And we’ll interfere with every single planet we come across, for good measure.”

His companion laughed, shoving him gently, “Shhh, you’ll get us thrown out, Koschei,” he warned, looking around nervously. Neither young man noticed their observers, and Graham frowned as he tried to wrap his head around what he was watching. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, who’s gonna be up here. They’re all down there being fastidiously selfish bastards.”

The one called Koschei had worked himself up now, and he stood, pacing. “Theta, we should curse being a part of their society. They have all this power and they choose not to get involved? It’s untenable! We could make them better, we could help them!”

Theta was simply watching his friend, his eyes ardent with obvious affection.

“Like I said,” the Doctor said, wiping her eyes and making Graham jump, “We really were best friends. We studied in the academy together and survived the agonies of Timelord education together.” Her expression was dark as she gazed at the distant dome. “They- it was- like he said, they were determined never to interfere, on pain of death or exile or worse. We were just to watch the-” her expression twisted sourly, “lower species, as they called them, watch their wars and their struggles, their expansions and extinctions. All from the safety of Gallifrey.” 

“You must’ve hated that,” joked Graham weakly, and she laughed. “We both did. We always said we’d run away together. I don’t think he ever forgave me for leaving him behind. It- it wasn’t exactly by choice, but. He never forgave me for breaking that promise. Tried to kill me dozens of times over for it. I didn’t know but- the timelords had reached backwards across time and planted a… something in his subconscious, earlier than this even. It was supposed to be a get out- a way out for them, even if we lost the war. But it… it changed him. Drove him onto a violent path. He always had the drums of war beating in his head, before he had a chance to be anyone else.” Her expression twisted sadly as her gaze lingered on the two young men. “I wonder who he could’ve been, if they hadn’t messed with him.”

She sighed and snapped her fingers.

The scene was as alien from the peaceful red hill as it could get. Graham shouted in alarm and automatically went to cover Ryan before he remembered it was a memory and he didn’t need to. Judging from Yaz and his grandson’s expressions they had flinched too- only the Doctor remained standing, and he realised as he watched her silhouette light up with explosions that they hadn’t moved. But the hill was somehow- worse than when they’d really visited the now-destroyed Gallifrey. Distant screams tore through the air as the sounds of fighting seemed to paint the hillsides with violence. And over their head swarmed familiar salt-shaker-shapes, that Graham recognised with a lurch.

“You’ve seen my memories of this battle already,” the Doctor said, expression etched out in the fires of war and half thrown in darkness. Her eyes glittered coldly and she looked for all the world like a destroying angel, an avatar of death and destruction. “I wont make you experience it first hand. We had lost the estate- we had almost lost everything. Half the universe was on fire and the other half was already surrendered to the Daleks.” The metallic voices were sounding in the distance, along with the nauseating sound of their laser fire.

A figure emerged over the crest of the hill, a string of expletives leaving his mouth.

“-curse you- Doctor, you better fucking wake up-”

“A war that’s ending everything can make up for a multitude of differences,” the Doctor said wryly, watching the Master drag what Graham presumed to be one of her former bodies up the hill.

“You are not dying here, you bastard,” the Master grunted, finally getting the Doctor laid flat. The man was unrecognisable in the person next to Graham, Ryan and Yaz now- his head was bloodied, he was dressed in a shredded uniform of some sort, and he looked to be barely alive. “‘Smatter,” he slurred, eyes glittering, and the Master seemed to visibly sag with relief, “Y’worried about me Koschei?”

There was a muted thump and an indignant “Ow!”

“Don’t you dare start calling me that now,” hissed the Master, looking close to finishing whatever the Daleks started, seizing the Doctor’s coat and shoving his face close to the other man’s. “I am here because whether or not I hate you, you’re the best hope for the entire pissing universe not to end up a single steaming puddle of Dalek. So fix up-” he jabbed something into the Doctor aggressively, and the man yelled hoarsely, “Get up, and help me figure out how to fix this .”

Whatever the Master had aggressively administered to the Doctor seemed to have done the trick, as he sat up with a groan, then, with the Master’s unasked for help, stood. Both men stared at the burning in the distance.

“Most every civilised planet in the universe is a battleground now,” the Master said grimly, sounding odd. Graham realised it was fear. Or maybe awe… There was a long pause.

“How’s the Earth?”

The Doctor looked sharply at the Master, but by the distant lights of the fires it was evident that the man’s expression was sincere. “What, I’m not allowed to care?”

“Historically, you’ve only ever cared about destroying things I love,” the Doctor sniped, tone mild, “You’ll forgive my surprise, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, well. The end of the entire flaming universe is making me a tad sentimental,” the Master said, and the Doctor chuckled humourlessly.

“How come we never got affected?” Yaz asked in a small voice. The Doctor turned to her with a tender expression. “Time War, remember?” she said gently, “This battle takes place in Earth’s far future. Or it did. It’s hard to explain. You weren’t strategically important in the right time-streams to be worth bothering over.” Her expression hardened as she snapped her fingers again.

This time, a man with spiked brown hair was cradling another man in a suit, a man the fam seemed to recognise. “Is that-”

“Harold Saxon.” The Doctor stated grimly, staring down at the pair. “Or that was the name he gave then.”

“I nearly voted for him!” Graham said indignantly, and the Doctor nodded. “Always was very charismatic, the Master,” she said dryly. “What, the Master was Harold Saxon??” The Doctor nodded a confirmation, sighing. “There was- it was a paradox, and we broke it, but before we did he ruled the Earth, for a year. No-one ever remembered, because of the paradox, but I do. And I remember him refusing to regenerate. He’d rather have left me alone, he’d rather have died than let me think I had one friend left, one single sliver of home left.”

“He keeps letting you down,” Yaz realised, and the Doctor turned to her, examining the young woman intently, “And you keep hoping he’ll be better next time you see him.”

The Doctor nodded and snapped her fingers once more. She was looking tired, and swayed a little as they lurched onto a ship, with reflective white surfaces and a woman, hair piled with curls and a burgundy victorian style dress exchanging words with a wiry man with aggressively curly white hair. His Scottish accent nudged something deep in Graham’s memory and he realised something. “Doc, is that-”

“Me, yeah,” she said, watching the pair with a crease in her forehead, “Not too long before I met you lot.”

“So who-” Yaz frowned, eyes going back and forth, before they widened, “Ohhhhhh, of course. 

She’s the Master!”

“She preferred Missy at the time,” the Doctor said, lips twitching sadly. “We were managing to- I mean I really thought-” her eyes misted over. “Over two thousand years…. it had been so long. And the Timelords- I had- this was after we brought Gallifrey back. And I had been- I’d just come running from Gallifrey, from the cruelty, and the torture, and the games, and I just- I really wanted her to be good. I wanted what we swore to each other.”

“What happened?” Ryan’s voice was quiet.

“Her former self. The- Harold Saxon, you saw, him, he- he saw her happy. Couldn’t bear it. He- I was so sure she was gone. I really did, I had- I coulnd’t… and now he’s as bad as ever.”

***

She was already having a hard time holding the telepathic link together, so she let it slide gently and returned them to the floor of the TARDIS. There were no tears this time, no desperate grief. Just a hollowness, an ache that wouldn’t go away. The fam were looking at her with concern, but no judgement, and she felt a tense knot ease in her stomach.

“He’s the only one who gets what you’re going through,” Yaz surmised, eyes searching the Doctor’s face, “He was the one who understood what the Timelords were like, what they did to you both.” The Doctor nodded, standing and wandering over to the steps, to where she’d watched the hologram and felt furious rage. There was nothing now. Only, very faintly, the ever present call to run.

“They were… truly terrible. Even after the war, even after I saved them all, they were still torturing me and trapping me. They held me captive for over four billion years-” she realised she needed to qualify that with something at the noises of horror from the humans- “It was a time loop, I wasn’t- I don’t have memories, but it-” she shuddered oddly, remembering the feeling, the panic of being trapped, of being unable to heed the call to run.

“You must find us really hard to be around,” Ryan mumbled, and she turned to him with a frown. “What d’you mean?”

“Well, we’re… really young compared to you, even Gramps-” (“Oi!” protested Graham,) “And we don’t really know what it was like where you came from, we must seem really-”

“Ryan, you’ve got it all wrong,” she interrupted, shaking her head, a smile- a genuine smile- dancing on her features. “You’re better than any Timelord, any of you. Humans are- you’re like-” she struggled for words, chewing her lip. “It feels like I’m where I’m meant to be,” she said at length, imploring them to understand. “No-one expects me to- turn away from someone in need, or treats me like a failure because I couldn’t stop myself caring. You all see caring as a good thing !” Humans don’t reject me, she added silently, although she kept that thought to herself. She had already given them way too many reasons to stay with her longer than necessary, and she would kick herself about that later.

And besides, they did. They left, or were chased away, or died. But for some reason her fam were proving to be of the more tenacious sort. The TARDIS, overhearing her thoughts, gave a pleased hum, and the Doctor sighed. Of course her ship had known she would need Ryan, Yaz and Graham in particular, and she blew a mental kiss to the daft ship, settling for a pleased pat on the console.

“Doctor,” Yaz said seriously, looking the timelord up and down, “It’s okay, you know, if you’re suffering. It’s alright. We’re not going to get scared and run away.”

“Yeah, we know suffering. I- I know it’s nothing anywhere near the same scale but- we’re here for you,” Graham chipped in, and Ryan nodded in agreement.

She should take them back now, before something happened to them.

Oh this one was going to hurt.

But she couldn’t bring herself to do the sensible thing. The irony of a time traveller, stuck in anxiety about her personal future, suddenly seemed absurd. The mystery of the Master’s message, the pain of being left alone again . She could let her friends help her bear it. And when this failed it would burn all the more terribly in her hearts, when she inevitably screwed something up she couldn’t fix- what then, would bring her back from the brink?

She supposed that in this aspect, she was, like any other being, limited to follow a simple law.

Wait and see.