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She wasn't alright.
She'd told everyone that things were fine, and she was so happy that the war was over. And truth be told, she was happy that she was done with chaos. Her friends could live happily. She'd even been spending time with Rose, fixing up parts on the ships and getting to know her better. Rose had told her that she had feelings for Finn, and Rey couldn't have chosen someone better for him, even if he had been rather distant as of late.
"I'm sure he's just busy," Rey offered half-heartedly. She tried her best to be supportive of her loved ones, but things just weren't the same anymore. Not after she had lost him . . .
Nights were hard. Though the Resistance had since been disbanded after the Battle of Exegol and the fall of the First Order, many of the long-time supporters still stuck around each other, and held gatherings, which were more like drunken parties, during most nights to celebrate their freedom.
Finn and Poe, and even sometimes Rose, would join in the celebrations, dragging Rey along with them, much like tonight. But something was different for her this time.
"I'm sorry, I just don't feel up to it tonight. You guys go and have fun, I need to get some rest."
"Come on, Rey," Finn coaxed, but Rey just shook her head. He looked back at Poe dejectedly. The two of them were standing in her doorway with Rose right behind them, standing on her tiptoes to try to look past the shoulders of the two men and see Rey's expression.
It seemed that she had caught enough of it, because her next words were "let's give her some space. She's tired. Besides, there'll be plenty of other times."
Finn and Poe sighed and turned to walk away, and Rose looked back at Rey standing a few feet away, staring a hole into the ground solemnly.
"I hope you get a good rest tonight, Rey," she said, offering her a half-smile.
There was a pause, as if it took Rey a few more seconds to register what she said. The Jedi didn't look back at her, but lifted her head in her direction and nodded. "I'll try my best. Thanks."
Rose took one more backwards glance at her before following swiftly after Finn and Poe.
As the sound of her footsteps retreating faded from Rey's ears, she shut the door and retreated to sit on her sleep mat. She stared blankly at the wall opposite her, and simply breathed for a few moments.
It only took that long for the tears to sting her eyes, anyways. She blinked them back aggressively and stood, walking over to the closet. She slid the partition open and blindly found the item she was looking for with ease. After all, it laid right where she had put it the night before. And the night before that.
A sniffle escaped from her, and she strode back over to the sleep mat, climbed in to it and pulled the covers over herself. She held the dark sweater close, and traced the dark fabric with her fingers, eventually finding the rough, singed hole she had left in it. All too soon, the tears came back, overflowing this time. Rey didn't even try to hold them back; she knew it was pointless.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to the silence of her room. Before, there would've been a reply, or at least some sort of acknowledgment–a feeling of emotion even–just something. But nothing reached her ears now, nothing except the sound of the quiet sobs that escaped from her own mouth.
A dyad in the Force, he had said. Two that are one. Rey really hadn't understood it when he explained it to her. At the time, she had been more focused on getting off his ship again, but the words had not simply washed over her. And then again when Palpatine had realized how strong their bond was, he took it for himself and manipulated it to serve his purposes. With all that had happened, she'd thought that their bond might have been broken when Palpatine sabotaged it. Her fears had been assuaged when she had felt . . . Ben . . . and his overwhelming happiness at her revival. And when they had embraced too, and his wide-toothed smile.
That image was burned in her retinas. And the following one. His body losing its strength and collapsing to the floor. It was more than she could bear. Numb to her surroundings at the time after all that had come to pass before, she couldn't fully grieve him at the time. But the sorrow she felt had come twenty-fold every night since then.
A hot tear fell over the bridge of her nose while Rey laid on her side on the sleep mat, but she didn't have the strength to wipe it away. I couldn't save you again, she thought. If I'd only had more strength . . . you wouldn't have needed to sacrifice yourself for me.
It was light–almost impossible to notice-but it was hard for someone like Rey to miss the faintest semblance of a brush over her cheek, right where the tear had been. Her stomach lurched and she sat straight up, her heart racing. She was still clutching his sweater, and her knuckles swiftly turned white at the sudden intensity with which she grasped it.
The girl didn't want to get her hopes up. Not after they'd been crushed so much so recently. But she couldn't help it. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out. Even if she had been able to say something, she felt that her voice would prove too raspy from her grieving that nothing intelligible would come out. Instead, she closed her mouth and reached out, desperately, through the Force. She hadn't imagined it, . . . had she?
Moments that felt like hours passed, but without a shadow of a doubt, a presence, his presence, she was sure, pushed back on hers.
Tentatively, Rey reached out with her hand, and almost as quickly shook the thought from her head as she retracted it. Instead, she forced her conscious to reach out as Luke had taught her. She felt the joy of the celebration, she felt Finn and Poe and Rose, all together and the smiles on their faces. She felt Maz, and Chewie. Even Artoo, Beebee-eight and Threepio. She felt the stillness of the night growing the further away from the celebrations she got as she pulled her conscious back to her room until all she felt was peace. Except for the presence that she could not miss now that she had ventured away from the setting at hand.
Tears welled up in her eyes again, but the scavenger fought to hold them back. "Ben?" She whispered, not wanting to get her hopes up.
Rey, the presence whispered back, almost instantaneously.
It was no use. The tears in her eyes flowed freely as she laughed in disbelief. "You're here," she responded. "Alive."
I don't know if I would go that far. The reply had a sort of sharpness and solemnity about it. It cut through Rey's rejoicing.
"What do you mean? I can sense you. I wouldn't be able to do that if you weren't alive."
She swore she could feel a breathy laugh brush across her face, as if he were sitting on the sleep mat beside her. But you can't see me, can you? You can't feel me through the bond. Just as I can't feel you.
"I don't understand. I can hear you. I might not be able to see you, but I can hear you, and I did feel you. Your presence, just now," Rey reasoned. She shook her head, trying to make sense of what he was saying before she thought of something more important. "Where are you?"
A moment of silence passed between them. Rey's brows furrowed together and she repeated her question with more urgency.
I don't know.
Her stomach knotted as she tried to force another sentence out. "Well, what do you see?"
Ben was silent for another moment before he responded. I don't see anything. It's black. Almost like space. But no stars. No light at all.
Rey's eyes flitted back and forth as she tried to take in his statement. He was alone. Stuck somewhere. And all that she could think about was that she had to get him back. "I'll find y-"
No, came his immediate reply, so blunt that she recoiled at it.
"What? Of course I will, I can do it-," she protested, but was cut off again.
I know you could do it. But you can't. No one can. There's nothing that can be done. I'm not dead, but I'm not alive, Rey. She could hear his voice start to break towards the end of his sentence, and she felt her heart shatter with every quaver in it. You can't find me, and you can't bring me back.
"Shut up, I refuse to believe that. I'll find a way. If you can bring me back, then I can bring you back, too."
Don't you see? he asked. You already brought me back. My debt to you was repaid. I am at peace with that.
Tears stung her eyes again and a hitch built up in her throat. She choked her next words out. "Debt? You didn't owe me anything. I . . . ," her voice trailed off as she tried hard to keep her composure.
I know, was the only statement that came from him, but it was enough to break her wall. Heartbreaking sobs escaped from her as she tried desperately to wipe the hot tears from her eyes.
"So there's really," she forced out in between them, "nothing that can be done?"
Ben's voice was low and tentative when he addressed her question, as if he was fighting back tears of his own. None that I know of. I don't even know where I am.
Rey looked over to where he would be if he were there, blinking her blurred vision away. "Then how did you find me?"
It's as if . . . there was one last thread of our bond left over. In a way, I grabbed on to it, and it led me here. I can't feel it anymore though. . . and because of that, I don't know if I'll remain here.
It felt like someone punched her after hearing that. "You mean . . . this could be the last time that we . . . ?" She couldn't bring herself to finish the question that hung in the air. She didn't want to get anywhere closer to acknowledging it. But Ben's "yes" that soon followed brought the inevitable to light. This could very well be the end.
Rey shook her head again vehemently. "No . . . no. I won't let this happen. This can't be it. It can't," she declared.
Rey . . . I don't know how much time we have left. I'd rather not spend it worrying over technicalities.
"Tech, technicalities?! Is that what you think this is?!" she raged. "Ben Solo, so help me, I will find you and I will slap that hopeless tone out of your mouth faster than you can say 'kriff.'" Rey had risen to her feet now and was pacing the floor of her quarters trying to will an idea to develop in her mind.
Sweetheart . . . he spoke softly, causing her to stop dead in her tracks.
"You don't get to call me that as long as you're . . . wherever you are and not here," she shot back, although she almost instantly regretted coming off as that rude when talking to him. Those days were long gone.
Ben sighed gently. Rey. Reluctantly, she turned back to the place on the sleep mat and raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue, not even knowing he could see her, but she figured she might as well, anyway. If nothing else, I want you to know that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that I love you.
Almost instantly, she strode back over to the mat, an adoring grin tugging at the sides of her lips. "So you cut me off only so you could say it first? That's pretty underhanded. Fine, then. I won't say it back until I come and find you. I'll prove it. I found you once, I can do it again."
Rey sat on the edge of the sleep mat, grinning there for a few seconds before noticing that no reply had come. "Ben?" she prodded.
No response again.
Her stomach sank to the ground. She closed her eyes and tried to reach out again with her conscious. This time, though, she felt nothing. Nothing besides the celebrations and stillness of the night. No abnormality in her room nor in the vicinity anywhere.
He was gone, and she had lost her chance to say goodbye for a second time.