Archive of Our Own

lan zhan wasn’t good with words. all his life people made fun of him and asked him to talk more but, deep down, lan zhan didn’t really care. he liked being quiet, not understanding why people talked more than necessary. he can’t even remember if he ever talked about his feelings, something that was quite strange for him. unfortunately, it started to change as soon as he met wei ying. 

how can lan zhan describe wei ying? he was everything lan zhan despited in a person. he was loud, he didn’t have a clue of what personal space meant and everything lan zhan asked him not to do, the idiot ended up doing. 

but lan zhan got used to it. he didn’t know if it was the fact that they were roommates but, it was hard to admit, when wei ying wasn’t around, lan zhan kinda missed him. the room became too quiet and his thoughts became too loud. he was having difficulty studying and he didn’t know what to do. he was angry most of the time and he wanted to scream his lungs out. for once in his life he didn’t know what to do.

that’s when he got his notebook and started to write. he was good at writing, at least, but he didn’t know exactly how to put his feelings into words. biting his pen, he started by writing the things he usually thought.

wei ying is stupid. i hate his stupid laugh. i hate his stupid bunny teeth. i hate how he talks out loud all the time and how he messes our room all the time. i hate that he’s always so messy. 

lan zhan looked at the words, feeling his face muscles relax as he started to think about everything he wrote. he thought about wei ying’s smile and how beautiful it was. he never realized but he always looked at his mouth every time the other smiled. 

biting the tip of his pen once again, lan zhan wrote:

i like his smile. i miss him, i wish he spent more time with me. i wish i had the courage to go out with him. i think i like him. i wish i was different because if i were maybe he would like me. he might think i’m an idiot. 

“this is stupid.” lan zhan muttered, feeling upset all of sudden. he closed his notebook and threw the pen against the wall, cursing as it fell behind his bed. 

lan zhan felt stupid and was starting to hate himself. it was past midnight, friday night, and he was there writing about his feelings as if writing a diary. he felt like a teenager, the only difference being the fact that he never ever liked someone. no one ever made him feel like wei ying did. 

there were a lot of things that made lan zhan like him. wei ying was pure, he had such pure heart, always thinking about others, always thinking about everyone and never taking things to his heart. lan zhan, deep down, was scared the other might lose this side of him. he was afraid someone might break his heart and take away wei ying’s best trait.

lan zhan was so concentrated in his thoughts that he was startled as soon as his dorm door was opened all of sudden, wei ying entering their room and closing the door with his foot. lan zhan looked at him with wide eyes.

“hey, you still awake?” wei ying said, smiley.

“mn.” lan zhan murmured, almost inaudible. 

there was something different about wei ying this night. lan zhan looked at him from head to toe. wei ying was wearing simple clothes, everything black, the color he usually chose every time he went partying. his skin was glowing, there were some golden glitter on his face and his bangs were kinda sweaty.

lan zhan swallowed dry, feeling his heart starting to beat fast and his hands sweat. wei ying was standing in the middle of the room, bottom lip between his teeth, as he typed quickly on his phone, a small smile appearing on the corner of his lips. 

lan zhan felt something twist inside him. he was left wondering who was he talking to. whoever was able to make wei ying smile like that was really lucky.

deep down he wishes he was the one doing so.

speaking of truth, he hated those unusual feelings, all coming at once, all of them caused by one person only ─ the handsome man in front of him. lan zhan wanted to get up from his chair and pretend to sleep but he felt weak. wei ying made him weak and he couldn’t take it anymore.

“hey, lan zhan!” wei ying suddenly said, making lan zhan blush because he was already staring the boy in front of him. “are you finished with studying? what did you study today?”

wei ying walked towards lan zhan’s direction and quickly grabbed his notebook, taking a look at the page. it was too late before lan zhan realized that he literally wrote about his feelings on the page. and wei ying was about to see them.

without thinking twice, with his heart pounding heavy inside his chest, lan zhan got up and tried to grab his notebook back but, unfortunately, wei ying being used to play these kind of tricks on people, it was basically impossible to get it back.

“lan zhan, you have such neat handwriting, i’m jealous!” wei ying said, eyes scamming the pages. lan zhan knew the exact moment wei ying saw his own name on the paper because of the sudden change of expression. his smile slowly faded and surprise was all over his face.

“wei ying!” lan zhan warned, trying to get his notebook back, but wei ying turned his body, back facing lan zhan. 

lan zhan felt his heart break. he could feel the tears threating to leave his eyes. he practically never cried, he hated doing so, let alone in front of someone else. he was glad the room was quite dark. he was afraid wei ying would hate him forever. he finally met someone who wanted to be around him and didn’t judge him for his personality and he had the nerve to mess things up so bad.

wei ying suddenly turned around, eyes meeting lan zhan’s. lan zhan really didn’t know where he got the strength to look back at him and not dart his eyes.  

“lan zhan…” wei ying took a few steps towards lan zhan, who had to really fight the urge to not run from his gaze. he looked back at wei ying, his sight becoming blurry because of his tears. there was no way he was letting wei ying see him cry, but he felt so overwhelmed that it was really hard to hold them back. lan zhan turned his back to wei ying.

he prayed that wei ying left, that he forgot about everything he just saw ─ it was better like this. it was better than having his feelings made fun of or seeing the disapproval on wei ying’s face.

but he wasn’t ready for the hand on his shoulder, touching him as if afraid, with such delicacy.

“lan zhan, look at me.” wei ying asked, voice so low and serious that lan zhan was afraid to look back. it was unusual seeing him like this. 

lan zhan did as he asked, making sure to quickly dry his tears as he looked back at wei ying. he could feel his bottom lip tremble as he looked up so he could meet the other’s eyes. wei ying was so close. it was strange because as much as lan zhan wanted him near, right now he felt as if he wanted wei ying very far from him. as if now that he knew how he felt wei ying was supposed to stay as far from him as possible. 

“is it true?” wei ying asked, putting the notebook on the table. his eyes never left lan zhan’s.

“which part?” lan zhan knew he couldn’t fool him, so he continued. “the part that i like you? yeah. i’m sor─”

his words were muffed by wei ying’s lips against his. it all happened too fast, lan zhan not having the chance to process what was happening. it was just a peck on his lips and wei ying’s lips were gone too soon. 

“w─why did you do that?” lan zhan asked, feeling a little bit nervous. angry, if he might add. it wasn’t cool that wei ying was playing with him. this wasn’t a joke.

“i like you too.” wei ying added. one of his hands rested against lan zhan’s waist, making the boy gasp in surprise. “how didn’t you notice?”

“you… i─” lan zhan really didn’t know what to say. “wei ying…”

wei ying just looked back at him, the soft expression never leaving his face. lan zhan liked the way he looked at him , the way he was smiling back at him. 

grabbing his hand, wei ying guided them both to lan zhan’s bed, sitting and asking the other to sit beside him. he was watching lan zhan carefully as if trying to read whatever he was thinking. wei ying knew how things worked with lan zhan, so he gave him his time, caressing his hand with his tumb as if trying to confort him, after all he knew he wasn’t supposed to see the things lan zhan wrote, so he knew all this was kinda too much for the other to process.

“so, you like me?” lan zhan asked, which wei ying nodded, smiling. “what about the parties, i mean─ not that you going to parties mean something but─” he was really having a hard time trying to express his feelings and even though wei ying wanted to laugh because it was the first time he ever saw lan zhan stutter and not know what to do, he knew it wouldn’t be a nice thing to do.

“i do party a lot, yeah, but just because i like dancing, but only that lan zhan.” the way lan zhan was looking back at him, with such serious face, eyes darting from his eyes to his lips ─ wei ying wasn’t gonna lie, this was kinda hard for him too.

the truth was: he never knew lan zhan would like him back. in fact deep down he always believed that lan zhan hated him, so he always tried too hard to not think about his feelings towards the other. he never let it affect their friendship either and it was kinda hard because wei ying liked him so much and everything he always wanted was lan zhan loving him back.

“i never kissed anyone.” wei ying confessed. he felt his cheeks burn and he tried really hard not to avoid lan zhan’s eyes. “you were my first kiss.”

there was a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips, wei ying noticed. 

lan zhan’s hand moved underneath his, wei ying noticed. “you were mine too.”

wei ying looked back at him, surprised at his confession. he opened his mouth but nothing came out, he really didn’t know what to say. 

“wei ying,” lan zhan squeezed his hand. “can i kiss you?”

“yeah,” wei ying breathed out, not even realizing he was holding his breath for a while. “fuck, yeah.”

“language.” 

“sorry.” wei ying smiled. “just kiss me already.”

and lan zhan did. his hands rested on wei ying’s face, feeling how hot his cheeks were. by the time their lips touched, wei ying had closed his eyes, trying to focus only on the way lan zhan’s lips were slowly moving against his. his lips were soft, wet, but it wasn’t enough. wei ying wanted more.

carefully he put his hand on lan zhan’s waist, pulling him closer, at the same time his tongue licked lan zhan’s lip. perhaps it was too much and too unexpected as the move made lan zhan back away suddenly.

wei ying was about to apologize when lan zhan kissed him again, this time his tongue invading wei ying’s mouth without permission. at first wei ying didn’t know what to do, but it didn’t take time for him to follow his pace, tongues touching each other and lips brushing fiercely.

they spent some time kissing until both of them started to kiss slowly again and finally breaking the kiss. lan zhan rested his forehead against wei ying’s, breathing heavily. wei ying didn’t dare to open his eyes, he wasn’t ready to face lan zhan’s swollen and wet lips, it all caused by him.

but he did. he opened his eyes and looked back at lan zhan, who was now staring at him with a soft expression, one wei ying never saw on his face.

“i like you.” lan zhan said. “i really like you, wei ying.” 

wei ying smiled, giving him a peck on the lips.

“i like you too lan zhan.” he said, watching the way lan zhan bite his bottom lip and gave him a tiny smile. “i’m in love with you. i want to go on dates with you, i want to make you smile and i want to support you and i want to be with you, all the time.”

usually wei ying talked a lot and lan zhan wished there was some silent spell he could put on the boy but, right now, hearing him speak, saying those words, shutting all the insecurities he had towards the other, lan zhan wished nothing but to hear him speak.

hopefully, they would have a lot of time to confess, confess everything they’ve been keeping as a secret. 

in the end, as he kissed wei ying again, lan zhan was sure about two things: he might have a hard time understanding his own feelings, but in the end, what he felt for wei ying was real. he had no doubt about it.

regarding the second thing, maybe lan zhan was actually the lucky one. maybe, this whole time, he was the one who caught wei ying’s heart and the only one who was able to make the boy give the brightest smiles after all.