Chapter Text
"You know Stark, it'd be great if you could get your ass over here now and help us, you're really missing out on all the fun." Rogers yelled through the group comm. He bit back a smile at the snort that came from the other line.
"Was sarcasm even a thing in the forties, spangles, or are you just taking cues from my book now? It's called being fashionably late. I'll be there in a few— and bite a bar of soap when we're back at the tower." Tony quipped back as the suit flew through the air, whistling once he got a glimpse at the havoc below him.
Long story short (he didn't really pay all that attention during the debriefing) Thor contacted Shield to let them know that Loki escaped his cell on Asgard and buddied up with another set of galactic bad guys who decided to turn Times Square into the Battle of New York 2.0.
Tony was getting too old for this shit.
At least these guys weren't anything like the Chitauri, with no mother ship or portals in sight (thank god). Honestly, these lizard-like extraterrestrial beings didn't even look like that much of a threat. He was just waiting for them to advertise that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
Captain America was hunched over a wrecked car, shouting orders at the others on the ground as he swung his shield across the battlefield. It sliced through a line of aliens and a spray of purple liquid guts splattered over rubble in the ordeal (it was gross, but Tony was secretly hoping he does it again). Tony spotted Hawkeye perched above a restaurant balcony caught in the crossfire, the business and others surrounding it already evacuated of civilians. He shot arrows at the aliens crawling over to him, missing not a single soul. A flash of red hair sprinted across the street as Black Widow stared blank-faced at the aliens, bullets flying straight through their heads (well, what Tony thinks are their heads). The city skyline, while previously a bright blue, was now darkened grey with storm clouds as Thor commanded thunder with Mjolnir and struck down lightening at their opponents. Hulk's roar was indistinguishable, big green on the scene already smashing skulls. And unsurprisingly, reindeer games could be seen at the center of the spectacle, surveying the havoc with a delightful grin as he clutched tightly to his scepter that he magically got back. Wow, who's hiring the guards up there in Asgard?
Tony decided to lighten the mood. "Don't let those guys anywhere near Broadway, I got tickets for Rent next weekend."
He heard Barton let out a chuckle at that through the comm, followed by Romanoff berating him for it.
"Agent Romanoff, long time no talk!"
As expected, he received no response. He could almost picture the redhead's eye roll.
"Guys, we need to concentrate." Rogers scolded, catching his shield almost effortlessly. He grimaced at the residue of guts it came back with.
"Captain's right. Reunion later. Our priority right now is another alien army at our hands." Fury's voice broke through the comms, and Tony huffed.
In the words of Rent's Maureen, how 'anal retentive'.
After what seemed like decades (okay that was a stretch, give or take like 3 hours) the battle finally stopped. The alien army ceased any survivors, and the site, while a work in progress, thankfully didn't reach the state of wreckage like the Battle of New York had. Tony suspected that he could throw in a couple thousand bucks for repairs and it'd be fine and dandy.
Widow's voice filled the comms calling everyone back to the tower. There greeting them was the Norse god himself, his hands and feet bound with rope. Tony walked over to him, still decked in his armor.
"Hey reindeer games, Santa came and told us you escaped from your stable." Loki looked up at that, narrowing his eyes at the armor's eye slits.
Thor stood beside Tony, sighing heavily. "Brother, your nonsense must stop this instant." He grasped tightly at the handle of Mjolnir, readying himself for any last tricks.
"Stop with such lies! I am not your brother, nor will I ever be." Loki spat out, struggling to get free himself from the binds. Thor froze at that, the words stinging more than he realized. He quickly masked the emotion before anyone saw a change in demeanor. Everybody was too preoccupied at the other god to even notice. Tony, however, saw and frowned behind the mask.
"Stand down, Loki. You're done." Rogers commanded, stepping in front of the said man and staring down at him with a calculated look. Loki only smirked.
"Captain, you fail to recognize that I always have another trick up my sleeve."
And with that, Loki's scepter behind him began to glow brightly as the man started to chant a spell under his breath. The team startled at the abrupt change in scene, but quickly got into battle stance and prepared for the worst. There was an intense silence, and then suddenly everyone flew back from a bright explosion while gas began to surround the area.
Tony hit a wall and choked out a gasp as a sudden spark of pain shot through his back. He recalled hearing a loud ringing in his ears, and feeling a stream of liquid trail down his temple, before he promptly blacked out.
He was sore, and it wasn't even the good kind.
Tony groaned, blinking slowly as he regained consciousness. He struggled to move his limbs, realizing he was still in his suit and therefore immobile. It's cool, he couldn't even feel half his limbs anyways.
"Jarvis? You up?" Tony croaked out, his voice raspy. He really needed a drink.
"For you sir, always."
Tony sighed in relief. "Thanks buddy. Pop quiz time. Where's the others? Did Loki escape?"
The A.I seemed apprehensive to answer."No sir… but—"
"But what? Jarvis, what the hell. Tell me what happened."
"Sir, I believe you should evaluate the scene yourself."
Tony opened his mouth to retort, then stopped abruptly once he heard a cough at the far end of the room.
A cough too delicate for an adult to have. Like, a kid's cough.
Tony slowly rose, struggling to sit up with the suit. He kinda wished he just stayed down, because once he was up what greeted him was the stare of six toddlers. All looked to be no more then four years old. Big, curious (and kinda adorable, lets face it) eyes were all peering down at him in awe. He quickly looked over each kid to see if any of them were hurt. Nope. He then went on to scan the room to take in the destruction of the scene and to see if any of his teammates were around. Also nope.
"...was Loki's big plan popping babies, or—"
Another small cough broke him from finishing his sentence. It came from the kid with blonde hair and blue eyes standing at the center of the group, and was looking at him like he was the seventh wonder of the world. Tony suddenly felt an unease in the pit of his stomach at the sense of familiarity the kid gave him. All the kids looked familiar actually, almost as if they were...
No. No no no no.
Tony popped off his face plate, ignoring the tiny gasps and squeaks that came from it. He almost didn't want to ask.
"…Steve?"
The toddler perked up, nodding his head with a small smile. Deeming the man no threat, he walked over and shyly stood by his feet. He then flashed him a more friendly grin, one that showed off his pearly white teeth.
"Hi mister!"
The others followed suit, surrounding the shocked man and thus proceeded to bombard him with questions stemming from their childlike curiosity.
"What's your name?"
"What're you wearing?"
"What does this do?"
"Where's the bathroom?"
Tony didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. Only one thing came to his mind.
I'm on baby duty, oh fucking great.