Work Text:
TRIS
Since joining Dauntless, my body has been bursting at the seams to grow, to change, to make room for the myriad experiences I’ve had. From that first leap after the Choosing to the way Tobias’s fingers rake over every dip and crease on my skin, I’ve felt too small for who I am. Then I realize that smallness is only who I was, the foundation of who I’ve become, and it’s as good a starting place as any. I am my mother and my father, distilled into someone new. I am Tris, not Abnegation compliant invisible grey Beatrice. I have flown through the night skies on a zip line, face down, with the wind rushing against my skin. I have flown through the day skies in an airplane, feeling smaller and smaller and less significant and less important as the plane rose until the insignificance of the moment turned inside out and I realized that every single person, every single life, every single memory, is critical to this vast large world we live in.
When Tobias touches me, I feel like I am on that airplane again. My world has suddenly become so much bigger, so much brighter, so much more focused than ever before. This time, though, it is not the whole world. It is the two of us, alone together finally. There are no cameras trained on us, no impartial observers watching. There is only the privacy that two human beings deserve once they decide to commit to each other intimately. Our world is about to change when we enact our plan, and I do not know if this opportunity will still be there later. It is here now, though, and the Dauntless taught me to never let an opportunity slide by.
This time I am ready for it. Ready to share my body, the part of me that masquerades my vibrant huge heart. I want to make this leap. There may be times when Tobias infuriates me, just as there are times when I infuriate him, but nobody in this world is perfect. My mind—the part of me that would have done well in Erudite—tells me that this is a risk, but my heart tells me this is a risk well worth taking. I have no fear of consequences: this is the biggest, best, and brightest part of who I am. Tobias brings it out in me, only Tobias.
Four. He has marked me before: the knick of a knife against my ear, the strength of his arms pulling me from a net, the intimacy of the fear simulator. I am now ready to let him mark me in yet another way. Body to body, hands to hands, mind to mind, heart to heart. His lips are soft as they drag over my pale expanse of skin, and one word escapes his lips over and over.
Beautiful.
I think I’ve been waiting for this since the first time I saw him. Waiting for it, dreaming about it, wanting it. The reality of this moment is better than any dream or wish. It’s like being on that airplane, with the rest of the world falling away. This time, though, I am not alone. Tobias is here with me, and while our Abnegation parents would never approve, they are not the ones here. This is the ultimate in both selfless and selfish, but we are here together. The world can fall away all it wants, but in this moment it expands, filling all the spaces that usually separate Tobias from me. It brings us together: we are finally one.
TOBIAS
There is no piece of me that believes this whole place is not just some other experiment within yet another larger experiment. They say there are no cameras watching us and that everybody in this place operates under the privilege of free will, but I have yet to see proof of anything they’ve told me. After all, I labored under the same assumption at Dauntless until the day I found out differently.
There is only one person in this or any other world who I trust, and that person is Tris. I don’t trust her because we’re both former Abnegation or because we’re both former Dauntless or because we’re both allegedly Divergent or because she is so willing to overlook the whole GD thing. I don’t trust her just because we’ve fought and made up so many times, or because she’s the single most focused person I’ve ever met, or the bravest or the most stoic or the least susceptible to some of the nonsense going on in this world. No, I trust her because she jumped first and let me catch her, and she has been letting me catch her ever since.
In return, she catches me.
Today, for now, I am willing to forget that this whole airport and all these people are just another lie. I am willing to let go of the suspicion saying there are simply more people in a bigger room in a bigger community under a bigger government watching all of us on their view screens. Even if this is true, there are times when I simply have to let it all go. Right now, the door closes behind us and we are alone. The only thing in the world that matters is Tris.
Her fingers work their way up and down along my ribs, steel feathers tracing the tattoos emblazoned there. When I got the first one I never imagined the way another person’s touch would feel on it. I didn’t even imagine what that might be like by the time I got the last one, but I will look at them differently from now on. The markings on my body are forever changed, much for the better. As of now, they are alive.
The world goes black, but that is only because of the intensity of my focus. This is not a fear simulation; this is real life, and Tris has chosen me. She’s chosen me. In a world where everything is turned upside down and none of the old ways make sense, it is a wonderful thing to be wanted for who and what you are... and are not. I am not Evelyn and I am not Marcus. They are banished from my thoughts as I marvel at the beauty and perfection of Tris’s body. She is so strong, the strongest person I know. That shines through no matter what she does. She’s a flame burning brightly; I am the moth drawn to her. I have always fluttered around her fire but never quite been a match for it. Here, today, I become part of her flame. We embrace; we kiss; we undress; we fall onto the bed consumed in each others’ hands, minds, and bodies.
This is the best of moments. I tell myself to remember all of it so that I might relive it forever, but my attention is on other things. My attention is on this moment, and the moment after that, and the moment after that.
TRIS
Waking up next to Tobias is a luxury I never allowed myself to hope for. If I learned one thing from Dauntless, it is that the best—and worst—things happen when we least expect them. I am not one to qualify moments in my life but if I were, I would say without hesitation that this has been one of the most precious and intimate nights I have ever experienced. I turn to face him, stake claims on the chiseled lines of his torso with my fingertips, and revel in predatory possessiveness. “Mine,” I whisper, and Tobias smiles.
For now, I add silently. We can never know what the future will bring. Every moment is priceless and precious and should be experienced as fully as possible. This is one lesson I have learned and learned well.
“I wonder if they missed us.” Tobias stretches, smug and satisfied, and his arms wrap around me.
“Let them wonder,” I tell him, tracing Dauntless flames on his rib cage. “Let them talk.”
“They do anyway.” It’s a rare admission from him, that he pays attention to the whispers and stares. “I don’t care. All I care about is this.”
The heat from his body sinks into mine, radiates across me, completing me. I know that his statement is a lie. He cares about far more than the intimacy between any two people. Tobias is a forward thinker, much more so than me. I have become one of those people who lives entirely in the moment and for the moment. He is far more thoughtful, more cautious, more hesitant.
I love him. I could tell my own lie and say I have loved him since he threw the knife just that much too close to my ear, that he was marking me then as his, but it would not be true. Of all people, I am not prone to backward romanticism. Most of the others would say I am not prone to any kind of romanticism. At this point in my life they would be right. I run into things headlong: this is what I have become. Some kind of leader, some kind of instigator.
If this is the end result, every bit of it is has been worthwhile.
“Tobias,” I say.
“What?” His heart beats strongly in his chest; I hear it and let the sound reverberate until it could almost swallow me up. I would be safe that way, I think, nestled inside of Tobias, inside that strong heart of his, but I am not the type of person who looks to others to keep her safe.
My hand runs through his hair. “Nothing,” I tell him.
He laughs, a low sated rumble that starts deep in his chest and works its way up his throat and out through the curve of his open lips before he kisses me.
Right now, this moment is perfect. Neither of us asks if we can do this again sometime. Circumstances are too fragile for promises and we both know it. For a long time, we simply hold each other. For a long time—for the first time—we simply are.