Chapter Text
The Shape of You
by Kristen Elizabeth
****
And around life's merry-go-round goes
And there you are wanting what you cannot hold
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you...
- Jewel, The Shape of You
****
Sand.
Everywhere.
In everything she owned. In every nook and cranny of the abandoned house she now called hers.
Soft, yet harsh. Fine, yet coarse. Sand could be two things at once.
Rey understood that.
She understood sand, with all of its incarnations and inclinations. Being surrounded by desert in all directions felt natural and she was more at home on Tatooine than she would have been anywhere else.
But try explaining that to an excitable friend with a propensity for worry.
"Finn, for the last time, I am fine," Rey said to the small, holographic version of her best friend. "I have plenty of supplies and I've almost dug out one of the hydro pumps, so pretty soon I'll have all the fresh water I want."
The look he gave her made it absolutely clear that he did not and was not going to believe her. "When you said you were going to Tatooine, I thought you were just going to drop in, see where Luke grew up. Not stay for, what is it now? A month?" He shook his head. "You shouldn't be alone out there. Rose thinks so, too."
"I do!" she heard the woman chime in from somewhere out of range. "You should come home."
Rey's smile faded. "And where's that?" Before either of them could reply, she rushed on. "It feels right to be here. At least for now. When that changes, I will be back. I promise."
Finn sighed, a sure sign that he was giving in, although it was always temporarily. She fully expected to have this same conversation in another week. "Rey, I know you're grieving for..."
She cut him off before he could say that name. "I have to go."
"I don't understand it," Finn went on, sparing her for the moment. "But I get that it's bigger than you can explain. Still...I don't think being alone is going to make it better."
Tears stung her eyes, but Rey kept her voice steady. "Finn, just...let me figure this out for myself. Okay? Please."
He gave another deep sigh. A signal of defeat. "Okay, Rey. Okay." He leaned closer to the camera. "Do you still have Luke's light saber?"
"It was never mine," Rey reminded him. "If you're asking if it's safe here, I have a blaster, I've set up a perimeter wire and what's the other thing...? Oh yeah, I'm still me!!"
Finn held up his hands in surrender. "Of course. Sorry. I'm sorry. I just...I miss you."
Rey's frustration melted. "Me too."
"You promise you will be back?"
"I promise."
"No pulling a Luke?"
She crossed her heart. "I'll be in contact soon." Raising her voice, she addressed Rose. "Take care of him. Don't let him worry."
Rose stuck her head in front of Finn's, bringing herself into Rey's sight. "Don't you think if I had that power, you wouldn't be having this same conversation for the fifth time?" she teased. "We hope to see you soon," she added, with more seriousness. "But take all the time you need."
Rey smiled at the woman who hadn't had time to become her friend, but who she very much hoped would be one day. "Thanks. Goodbye."
Switching off the transmitter, the holograms disappeared in mid-wave, leaving Rey alone in the silent, sand-swept house.
****
Light years away, on Ajan Kloss, Finn pushed away from the transmitter the instant Rey's holographic image was gone. "She's gonna kill me. I knew that from the day I met her! One way or another, she's gonna be the death of me."
"It's really wonderful that you're handling this so calmly. Maturely." Rose walked back over to the engine part she had abandoned when he'd decided to call Rey. "Rationally."
Finn ran his hand down his face. "What am I going to do?"
"Not dramatic at all," she continued, picking up a coupling wrench.
"Rose..."
She looked up at him. "What?"
"This isn't funny."
"Am I laughing?"
Finn stood up. "She's light years way, sitting out in the desert, all alone...it's not right!"
Rose's voice was gentle. "Finn, you said it yourself. She's grieving."
"For Kylo Ren," Finn spat out, like the words tasted bad.
"For Ben Solo."
Shaking his head, Finn brushed this off. "Same person."
"I'm not so sure," Rose said.
He went on, as if he hadn't heard her. "I watched him murder and torture, not just strangers. His own father. Her, even! How can she forgive him? Much less..." He stopped, unwilling to say it.
"Sometimes we don't get to decide who we love." She dropped her eyes back to her work before he could look at her, trying to hide her blush. "Do we?"
Something in her tone made Finn snap out of his anger. "Rose, I..."
All of a sudden, like a curse and a blessing at the same time, Poe Dameron appeared from around the corner, approaching them from across what had once been the tactical station of the Resistance base. "Hey, do you have that compressor ready, Rose?"
Clearing her throat, she held it up. "Sorry, not yet. Got interrupted."
Poe looked back and forth between them. It was all the time he needed to figure out what he'd walked in on. "Ah, let me guess. He called Rey?"
"Why do you assume that? She could have called me," Finn said, indignant. Poe raised an eyebrow. "Well, she could have."
He nodded, indulging his friend. "Sure. I mean, that would be a first, but...sure."
Finn shook his head. "She won't come back. Not yet, anyway. I mean, she promises that she will, but she said the same thing last week. And the week before. You would think she'd want to get away from sand! I know what she grew up with on Jakku and you'd figure she'd never want to be on a desert planet every again, especially since we're in the middle of the jungle and it's all green and watery, but she just wants to go pretty much right back where she started, waiting for something that's just not going to happen!"
Instead of watching him while he ranted, Poe's eyes were on Rose as she applied herself to the task of cleaning the compressor with way more attention than necessary. He didn't have the Force, but it didn't take anything more than common sense to see what was right in front of his nose.
Rose was crazy about Finn. Finn was too busy worrying about Rey to figure out what he was feeling for Rose. But if he spent any more of his time and energy on Rey, by the time he realized what he actually wanted, Rose would have moved on. She was a sweet girl, but no pushover.
"So Finn," Poe cut him off in mid-ramble. "Did I tell you I was heading out?"
"Heading out?" Finn frowned. "Off planet?"
"Yeah, got some things to check on. That's why I need that compressor." He winked at Rose. "I'm leaving at first light."
"Great," Finn grumbled. "Everyone's leaving."
Rose's back straightened and Poe rushed to remind him, "Not everyone. But I was thinking, I'm not going to be too far from Tatooine. Maybe I could drop in on Rey. Spend a couple of days, see BB-8, you know."
Finn's expression relaxed so fast it was almost comical. "Yeah? That's a great idea!"
Rose looked up at Poe, gratitude in her eyes. "A really great idea."
Poe spread his arms and shrugged casually. "That's what I'm here for. Want me to take her anything?"
"Just some foodstuffs."
"Dehydrated bread, check."
Finn grasped his shoulder. "Thanks. I appreciate it."
Reaching up, Poe patted Finn's hand. "Don't mention it."
"Oh, and if you could convince her to come home..."
Walking away, Poe just shook his head.
****
Night came on slowly, owing to Tatooine's twin suns, but when both had finally sunk below the horizon, the change in temperature was bracing. Rey supposed it had been the same on Jakku, but her memories of that planet were only of the relentless, inescapable heat.
But here, she had to use every blanket she'd brought with her, in order to get warm at night.
Nights were the worst. During the day, there were things to do. Machinery to repair, supplies to replenish from Mos Eisely, sand to shovel, so much sand that her mind couldn't wander any further than the next shovel-full.
But at night, with her body sore and her soul aching, she could remember.
She didn't even have to wait for her dreams to see him. He was there, in her thoughts as she climbed, shivering, under the blankets.
She could recall the first time she'd seen him-- not the mask, but the man underneath--and how he'd surprised her. And, although it would be a long time before she acknowledged it, how the face he'd hidden fascinated her. Not exactly handsome, yet irritatingly attractive, even as he threatened her and his mind probed hers, seeking a way in.
Well, he had found it. She wished he hadn't.
Closing her eyes, Rey begged sleep to take her over, to take her away from her thoughts, but it wouldn't.
Because after she remembered his face, she always remembered the rest of his body and how he had taken unspoken delight in using it to make her uncomfortable. Desire had never been a part of Rey's life until that moment. He opened up a door and challenged her to explore what lay inside.
She hadn't. She wished she had.
He was gone now. The incredible power he'd had, the Force that mirrored her own so perfectly, had faded out of existence. And for what? To save her life?
What life could she have now?
Finn didn't understand, of course. She barely understood it herself. The only word she could assign to the incredible bond she and Ben had shared was 'love,' but it was entirely inadequate. It didn't begin to explore the depths of what had bound them.
He could shrug off the concept of love. Because how was it possible to love an enemy and one she barely knew? To Finn, to Rose, to Poe, to everyone in the Resistance, Ben Solo didn't exist. He had only been Kylo Ren, the stuff of nightmares, a murderer hell-bent on ruling the galaxy.
They couldn't understand why she mourned him. They could have understood Leia's grief if she was alive, but not Rey's.
So, she'd stayed on Tatooine. Buried herself in sand, hoping that the longer she stayed, the less she would remember him. And that when she returned, she could have the life he'd given her.
At least, that was what she told herself.
But deep inside, in the places within her soul that didn't react to logic or common sense, she stayed on Tatooine, isolated from everyone but a cute droid, for a completely opposite reason.
"Ben," Rey whispered, looking around at the darkness. "Can you hear me?"
There was no answer. She hadn't really expected one. That one time...it had been a fluke. The product of sun-stroke or dehydration in the early days after her arrival. Yes, it had seemed real--that she'd called to him and he'd answered. That she could feel his hand on her cheek, that the night air carried a whisper of his scent. Clean sweat and smoky ash.
But it wasn't real. Ben had not appeared to her through the Force. Whatever power had allowed Luke and Leia to appear to her, Ben either couldn't or wouldn't do the same.
She closed her eyes as a tear dripped off her nose. "Ben, please. I need to see you."
Silence was her only answer.
Although it seemed like hours, eventually sleep came for Rey. Dreamless sleep, devoid of any thoughts of him and everything she had lost almost at the exact moment she'd found it.
****
TBC