Chapter Text
"E-excuse me. Does your planet have wiper fluid yet, o-o-or is this a pre-automotive civilization?" Doofus Rick sticks his head out of the window, asking the cat-eared Amish-looking alien standing outside the spaceship.
"The general store ought to have what you need. Of course you'll be wanting to be gone before sundown - sundown is when the festival begins."
"The festival?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. The alien nods.
"Oooh, well for millenia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace--"
"Uh oh, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I know what this is," Doofus Rick says. "Those guys have been able to sustain world peace because they have one night a year where they can, can commit any crime w-w-without consequence."
"That's right!" the alien says.
"Seriously?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"I-i-it's like 'The Purge,' Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, like the movie, 'The Purge.' Y-you know, sometimes it's called The Cleansing o-o-or The Red Time. There was one planet w-where they just called it Murder Night. I-i-it's horrible, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. They're peaceful, a-a-and then they just purge."
"Really?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. He leans closer. "Can we watch?"
*****
"Oh boy, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, the sun is setting. W-w-we should probably go."
They get into the spaceship. Doofus Rick turns on the boosters, powering the aircraft, when Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, "Can't we just stay and watch? Please?"
"W-w-why would you want to watch that, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? You know, people are gonna kill each other--"
"Oh c'mon, Rick. W-we never get to do anything interesting, Rick--"
Doofus Rick starts, "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"
"Please? They're gonna kill each other anyway, w-we'll be safe if we stay in the car."
"Geez, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, y-you know what'll happen," Doofus Rick says. "Someone will, someone will throw a rock and hit the car, a-a-and then we'll crash and be stuck down there, and it'll be what we deserve, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Because we shouldn't, we shouldn't be entertaining ourselves watching other people getting hurt."
"Aw geez, Rick. You know, Terrorist Rick would probably want to watch--"
"Terrorist Rick isn't your Rick, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," Doofus Rick says. He turns on the thrusters. "We're leaving. I-it's my car."
*****
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty is pouting in the passenger seat while the sky darkens and the festival blazes below them. Doofus Rick glances to the side, holding the steering wheel. They're about to rocket up through the atmosphere when Eric Stoltz Mask Morty leans forward, pointing.
"Rick! Look!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
Below them, a girl waves a torch, screaming.
"Rick! W-we gotta help her, Rick!"
Doofus Rick shakes his head. "No can do, buddy. In space, w-w-we have something called a non-interference policy, Eric Stolz Mask Morty. We got the wiper fluid, you watched them kill each other. We're leaving."
"But Rick! They're killing her, Rick!"
"Sorry, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty." He puts on his thrusters.
"Rick! I-I can't believe you, Rick! Y-y-you're always going on about helping other people, you know, but all along you just want to save your own skin!"
"I-it's not like that, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"
"Well then prove it!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "Put your money where your mouth is, Rick! Or else, or else how am I supposed to respect you?"
Doofus Rick looks down again at the crowd of angry villagers descending on her.
"O-okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, you're right. Hold on!"
He wrenches the wheel forward, making the ship lurch into a nosedive. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty screams as Doofus Rick suddenly pulls up on the steering column, the ship slamming into the girl's attackers and skidding through the wheat field. Blood spatters onto the windshield as the girl lets out a shrill scream. Doofus Rick kicks open the door.
"C'mon!" Doofus Rick says. He and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty jump out, running toward the girl.
"Who, who are you?!" the girl says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty shouts.
"That's my grandpa! We're tourists, we're not part of the purge, we're here to save you!"
"Hurry, kids! C'mon!" Doofus Rick says. More villagers are running, brandishing torches and pitchforks. Doofus Rick grabs the girl by the arm and yanks her into the ship, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty slamming the door behind them.
*****
In the spaceship, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty flirts awkwardly with the girl while the villagers scream and stab and shoot at each other.
"I don't want to answer any more purge questions, okay?" the girl, Arthrisha, says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty deflates visibly.
The spaceship hovers. Doofus Rick checks his watch, then pushes a button on the console. He taps in a command for the computer to calculate the number of hours until sunrise, when Arthrisha lifts her head.
"Oh my god, my Nana!" Arthrisha says.
"Huh?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"We have to save my Nana!" Arthrisha says.
Doofus Rick glances at Arthrisha.
Usually, when a human panics, there are telltale physiological signs that back it up: a widening of the pupils; increased heartbeat; shallow respirations, all markers of an activated a fight-or-flight response. Arthrisha has none of those. Doofus Rick narrows his eyes.
"You just now remembered you have a Nana?" Doofus Rick says. Arthrisha's eyes dart nervously.
"I was traumatized," Arthrisha says. She doesn't sound convincing. Doofus Rick frowns at her.
"No offense, Arthrisha, but something doesn't seem right," Doofus Rick says. "You've been through, what? Fifteen purges? Including since when you were a child? Remembering your Nana should have been second nature for you. I'm sorry, Arthrisha, I-I don't think I believe you."
"What the hell, Rick!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, something isn't right. I-I mean, if I had someone important, you know, down there, like if you were down there, I-I-I wouldn't forget. She's obviously not telling the truth," Doofus Rick says, glaring at her.
"You think I'm lying?" Arthrisha says.
"Yeah, Rick, you think she's lying?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"Look, I-I'm happy to keep her, you know, safe up here. But I-I'm not risking our lives for some non-existent Nana--"
"You know what, Rick, y-y-you're starting to sound like all those other asshole Ricks," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
Doofus Rick's eyes widen. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"
"No I'm sick of this, Rick! This poor girl needs our help, Rick, but you're too much of a chicken to go down there and help her!"
In the passenger seat, Arthrisha starts to cry. "I'm not lying!" she sobs.
"Aw geez, way to go, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"All right, all right." Doofus Rick lands the spaceship. He pulls out his ray gun.
"Y-you kids stay here. I-I'll go look for her Nana."
"Thank you," Arthrisha says. Doofus Rick frowns, then runs into the house.
"You know, Arthrisha, he's not, he's not usually like that," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I mean, he's actually a really nice guy, you know, he's just a little bit on edge."
"Maybe he should be," Arthrisha says, and she pulls a gun out.
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty starts. "W-w-w-what the hell?!"
"Get out of the car!" Arthrisha says.
"W-wait, what are you doing--"
Arthrisha shoots the gun just to the side of Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's face, the bullet smashing through the window. "I said get out of the fucking car!"
"Oh man." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty staggers out while Arthrisha throws on the thrusters.
"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty!" Doofus Rick runs outside, just as the car is launching upright.
"Rick! She took our car, Rick!"
"Oh no, the portal gun is in the car!" They watch as the car veers dangerously into the air.
"Oh crap, more villagers," Doofus Rick says, and they see the throng of villagers heading toward them.
"Can't you, can't you just shoot them?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"But this gun'll incinerate them, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I-I don't want to hurt them--"
"Goddammit, Rick, give me your plasma gun!"
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty lunges for Doofus Rick's gun, just as an arrow strikes through it. The ray gun breaks, shattering on the ground.
Doofus Rick yells, "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! Run!"
*****
In the Citadel Headquarters, the command center gets a distress call.
"Who the fuck is this?" A Militia Rick says. The voice is tinny on the phone.
"This is Rick J-19-Zeta-7. I-I'm requesting back-up over at star system 40-Eridani. W-w-we have hostiles. Repeat, we have hostiles--"
"Wait, is this Doofus Rick?" the Militia Rick says.
"Wha- No! This is Rick J-19-Zeta-7!"
"Hey get a load of this. Doofus Rick's putting in a distress call."
"Damn it!" Doofus Rick says, and the door bursts open. Villagers surge into the cabin, wielding weapons. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty grabs the phone.
"Our portal gun and our spaceship's been stolen! Can you please send us help?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. A villager lunges toward Doofus Rick, but Doofus Rick manages to shoot him in the face. "Oh god!"
"The fuck is going on over there?" another Militia Rick says, while the other Militia Rick listens on the phone. On the other line, there's gunshots. "Hey. You dipshits okay?"
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's voice screams through the line, "No!"
"Well what the fuck is your Rick doing?"
"Oh my god, you stupid Citadel Rick! Can't you fucking send some help?!"
"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! Re-load!" Doofus Rick says, and he tosses Eric Stoltz Mask Morty the gun.
On the phone, the Militia Rick belches, "Well where the fuck are you two at? Eridani 40 is a fuckin' bigass star system."
Doofus Rick starts, "We're at 7-7--"
A villager screams and charges through the broken door.
"1-9-8--"
Doofus Rick ducks a shot, grabs a shotgun and shoots at the man. Two more villagers pour in.
"3-6-4-2--"
Another shot. He ducks, then shoots again.
"1-1-2-5!"
At the Citadel, the Militia Rick yawns. "Say that again? I wasn't paying attention."
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty tosses Doofus Rick a crossbow while Doofus Rick yells,
"7-7-1-9-8-3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5! Aggh!" Doofus Rick cries out, then crumples, shot. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty screams and runs toward him.
At the Citadel, the Militia Rick sets down his coffee. "What the fuck-- are they okay?"
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's voice is panicked on the phone. "My Rick's been shot!"
Doofus Rick groans. "I-I've been shot in the liver, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"
Eric Stoltz Mask Morty grabs his head. "Oh, Christ--"
Doofus Rick winces. "W-we gotta get outta here before they purge us, Morty."
"Oh, man!"
"Hey. You two urrrp dipshits don't die, okay, we just need you to set up a beacon--"
"Can't you just portal here?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.
"And where is 'here' numb nuts? Those coordinates you gave us aren't exactly spitting distance from your location--"
"Oh, man--"
"So you two dipshits need to set up a urrp fucking beacon, okay? Get your Rick some fuckin' bandages so we can home in on your position."
"Geez." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty takes a breath as the Militia Rick hangs up the phone.
The villagers are dead. Doofus Rick is at a counter, clutching his wound and mixing chemicals in a vial.
"They said we need to set up a beacon," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, as Doofus Rick lifts up his shirt. He squeezes a dropper of the liquid onto his wound.
The flesh sizzles. Doofus Rick squeezes his eyes, wincing. "Aggh."
"Oh man, this is my fault," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I-I should have listened to you, Rick. A-a-and now you're all injured."
"I-it's okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I've stopped the bleeding. C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, we need to find somewhere high to send the beacon."
"W-what do we do if they attack us?"
"I-I guess we just hope we don't get purged, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty."
"Geez."
*****
At the Citadel, the Militia Ricks work on tracking their position.
"Hey," a Militia Rick says. "Who wants to take bets that urrp Doofus Rick's gonna kick the bucket?"
"Ha ha!"
"Yeah!"
"Count me in!"
"I'm bettin' that dipshit stays alive," a smug Rick says. The other Ricks groan.
"Ugh, shut the fuck up."
"Stupid dipshit-loving motherfucker."
*****
They find a secluded cliffside, where Doofus Rick works on setting up the beacon. "O-okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, the beacon's been activated. Now hopefully someone at the Citadel locks onto this."
"Aw geez, Rick, you know. Those guys didn't seem too keen to help--"
"Ricks are acerbic, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, but they won't abandon another member of the Citadel."
The beacon blinks. "Target, locked."
"Oh, thank god," Doofus Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty frowns.
A portal blinks open; a squadron of Militia Ricks come out.
"What the fuck, Doofus Rick? Couldn't handle a little purging?"
"Jesus, fuck, what a shitty beacon," the other Militia Rick says.
"Hey dipshit Rick, where's your spaceship?" the other Militia Rick says. Doofus Rick holds up his hands.
"I-it was taken, my portal gun was on it," Doofus Rick says.
"Ugh." The other Militia Ricks groan.
"Hey how about we fuckin' nuke this place?"
"But don't we have a policy of non-interference?" another Rick says. The other Ricks snort.
"Eh. Fuck it. Let's do it."
The Ricks laugh while Eric Stoltz Mask Morty and Doofus Rick frown.
"Are they gonna get our stuff back?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick nods.
"Probably. Although you and I are probably gonna have to pay some fines, you know, for losing our technology," Doofus Rick says. A Militia Rick snorts.
"Yeah, you're gonna be urrp cleaning friggin' toilets for a month. That's the punishment for urrp wasting our time."
"Aw, man."
"Sorry, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, as the Citadel Ricks high five, leaving them. Doofus Rick shakes his head.
"I told you we should have left, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty."