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The horrible squeak of the wrought iron entrance gate broke the peaceful silence of the early morning and left a stinging pain in the old man's ears, whose wrinkled face and slightly curved back showed the traces of a long life. The frozen gravel crashed uncomfortably under his feet as he took the narrow path to the old weeping willow, which stood at the far end of the small cemetery and made the entire place look even darker than it already was.
He didn’t look at the glittering snow in front of him, nor at and the candle to his left, whose wick was almost completely burned down and only left a small flickering shadow on the fading letters of the tombstone. He wasn’t interested in the beauty of nature during winter, since the feeling of sadness and loss had long left him with an emptiness and coldness that no one could’ve changed. Cause the only person who’d ever stirred any warm feelings in him was now under a simple wooden cross next to the old weeping willow. The earth was still fresh, but there were no flowers, no candles, not even a real gravestone. The grave was plain and simple, as he’d always wanted it to be and it was the only wish the old man ever fulfilled.
It hurt to think of him, his beautiful eyes, his cheeky grin and the way he’d always raised his eyebrows when he was thinking about something intensely. It hurt to think of the sound of his voice, the texture of his skin and his gentle fingertips tracing the contours of his lips. Those memories had always been painful, but now that he was suddenly alone, even the good times they’d shared over the years seemed to rip his heart out.
"I love you." Three little words that he’d heard from his mouth so many times and yet he’d never gotten used to it. There were so many things in this world that were important to him, so many people that he cared for and that meant something to him. But none of them had ever touched his heart like he had, he’d never trusted anyone so unconditionally before and simply let himself fall because he knew he would be caught. That there would always be two protective arms pulling him back up again.
"Baby?" His voice was barely more than a whisper, but he could still hear the pleading undertone. He knew that these beautiful eyes were looking at him so intensely, he could almost feel them starring directly into his soul. He knew it, but he still turned his head away, refused to return eye contact and just tightened his grip on his boyfriend’s bare chest instead, almost as if he wanted to crawl into his body. He loved him, too, probably a lot more than he could imagine, but fear was his constant companion, creeping into his mind like a parasite slowly crawling its way through a body and forcing its victim to focus on it with every fibre of their being. He was afraid to look into those eyes because he knew very well that he would get lost in them. He was afraid to return those simple three words because it would have been final. He wanted to, but he just couldn’t.
His mother would’ve hated him if she’d learned that her son had fallen in love with a boy. She would’ve kicked him out and begged God to drive the devil out of his soul. His dead father would’ve cursed him from the afterlife and his friends would’ve turned away from him and let him feel what it meant to give in to those kinds of feelings. He'd seen what they'd done to guys like him before and there was no doubt that they would do the same to him. Because they didn't understand that it was just love. That he didn't hurt anyone with it, on the contrary. It was certainly not sick that he’d fallen in love with a boy and he certainly wasn't possessed by the devil, but a strictly Catholic upbringing in a conservative village far away from the big city had left its mark on people's minds.
He was afraid and he was a coward. But the other boy just didn’t understand how hard it was to grow up in such an environment. His boy, his sweet baby, who’d carelessly left the security and anonymity of the big city just to come here. It wasn't easy for him out here, where people judged everyone who was just a little bit different from what they were used to, but he still managed to be happy. Because he was free and because he let himself love. His sweet boy, who faced all his issues with a cheeky grin on his face. His baby, who gave him all the time in the world, even though he didn’t deserve his patience.
The pain was unbearable. The grief over the loss of the only person in his life whom he’d loved so deeply and with all his heart pierced through his body like a hot blade, ripped his heart apart and made every breath painful.
His sweet boy had been far too good for this world. And far too good for him. He deserved better, someone who not only loved him, but could also show it in public. A man who hadn't been so weak and cowardly. He’d been a scared little kid, while his boy had been a big loyal wolf. He’d protected him by wordlessly accepting all the insults of his friends and never asked him to stand up against them. He’d allowed the man he loved to come up with lies about him, just to avoid any uncomfortable questions from his mother and to keep his reputation upright. And he’d meet all his half-hearted apologies with a smile and open arms every night in their secret little hut in the woods.
Yes, his boy was just too good for this world and he deserved better.
But instead he’d waited. He’d waited sixty goddamn years, without pressuring him to come out to his family, without even once questioning his hurtful actions. Sixty years, and then he died. Without hearing those three little words that he himself had said so often. It wasn't fair, but life had never been fair. He knew exactly how much he hurt his love when he married a random girl to please his parents, family and friends. Just because he was too afraid to admit who his heart really belonged to. And yet he’d never blamed him. There was always an understanding smile on his lips, even if it couldn't hide the devastated look in his eyes.
He’d deliberately decided to live a life full of lies. To marry a woman, he’d never loved only to be able to hide behind the image of a conservative family life. Getting older had never been easy for anyone, but living a lie for an entire life had taken more strength from him than he'd ever possessed. He used to think a lot about the only alternative to escape his self-made hell, but it was ultimately his boy who made use of it. Whose patience abruptly ended after sixty years, suddenly and unexpectedly, proving one last time that he’d never been the coward in their relationship.
He would be waiting for him up there, just as he’d been waiting his entire life for him. Only this time, he would make the right decision. This time, he would tell him everything he couldn't tell him down here. And maybe he would eventually forgive him for waiting an entire lifetime. Because this time, it would be different: this time, they would both be free.
His gaze wandered up to the first rays of the sunshine just above the trees. He felt the cool wind on his skin, smelled the fresh air of the forest and tasted the cold metallic taste of the gun in his mouth. A smile played around the corner of his lips as he slowly closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.