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A row of stage lights beamed on Yuta’s face, causing the temperature in his body to rise and sweat to soak his clothes. The beating of his chest worked hard as his legs, as the loud speakers blared in his ears, causing him to intensify the movements of his body. With each move, he promised to not miss a step.
It’s not like he was ever in the middle of the choreography for others to notice his mistake. And even if he was, it only lasted for a short amount of time. But even if that was the case, he couldn’t afford to bring his teammates down.
Yuta didn’t want to end up like the trainees who were kicked out of their teams, nor did he want to sit out of a concert just because of one dizzy spell. He didn’t want to be seen as dispensable. He had to try ten times harder. Not because he wanted to, it’s because he had to. Idols were seen as products. Yuta knew he was more than that. He was more than just a pretty face. More than just a backup dancer.
To his fear, his coordination began to falter, as the weight of his limbs began to wear down. Hoping to conceal his shortcomings, he did his best to keep a straight face, hoping that his teammates wouldn’t sense a thing. Yuta was good at concealing. He never revealed. He taught himself that from the very beginning since the day he landed in Korea. Live in the moment, and save the tears for later. As a foreigner, he couldn’t show his weaknesses in a monstrous industry like Korea’s.
Wakey Wakey Wakey
Yuta couldn’t stand the pain anymore. He wanted to disappear. The brightness of the stage lights dimmed by each second, as his reluctance to perform outweighed him. The pain was too much. Too unbearable. There was nothing he could do but fall.
“Yuta!!!”
**
A bleak of light cut through Yuta’s eyes as he regained his consciousness. An overlap of noises floated through the air, causing his ears to ring.
Was he transferred to the dressing room? Couldn’t his company afford a hospital? Fortunately, his body didn’t feel as sore as before.
The empty bowls of instant ramen on the coffee table caused Yuta’s jaw to drop, along with line of the soda cans and the abundance of torn candy wrappers. Did Yuta forget about his diet? Since the start of the tour, he committed himself to eating only vegetables and chicken breasts. How could Yuta be this careless? With the amount of sodium he consumed, his face was probably bloated as a balloon. His face in that state wouldn’t be a good look on the screen, nor the harsh concert lights.
Yuta parted from the couch and headed towards the nearby mirror. For some reason, the layout of the dressing room seemed different. It was much smaller than the one he was used to. There were less clothes too. Perhaps, they decided to rearrange it for more efficient spacing. But during the middle of a concert? That made absolutely no sense. Oh wait. The concert! How could Yuta forget? He was supposed to be out there performing! Not standing in the dressing room.
Another gasp escaped Yuta’s mouth, as he came across his reflection in the mirror. Since when did he have spiky black hair that came down to the length of his neck? And since when did he wear long sleeve shirts underneath a T-shirt? It was a definite change from his red hair.
Nevertheless, was there even time to dye his hair? Along with that, his face was free from makeup. To add to his shock, Yuta’s pants were a little loose around his legs.
“Why am I dressed like someone from the past?”
Curious of the time, Yuta fished for his phone. His pants had four pockets, which was way too much his opinion. His heart leapt out of his chest, as an LG flip phone ended up in his hands.
“What...why is my phone like this?” Yuta asked, as he lifted the lid away from the phone.
Date: July 6, 2007
“2007?!!” Yuta cried, as he stepped back. “How...how could this….is this a prank?!”
Yuta slipped the phone inside his pockets, and scanned the room. His suspicion continued to rise, as he scanned the dressing room, with the intent of finding his members.
“Mark...Johnny? Haechan…manager-nim...where are you guys….” Yuta whined. “I’m getting scared…”
“ Whatever!”
Just as Yuta was about to head to the stage, a flock of people walked towards his direction. Yuta’s heart swelled at the sight of each person passing him, as a lightbulb flickered in his mind. These people weren’t just any people . In fact, they were a quintet of performers that Yuta recognized, a group that he heavily idolized.
“To...Toho...Sh...Shinki?!” Yuta stammered. “I mean...Dongbangshinki Sunbaenims!”
“Since when did Yuta-san know Korean?”
Yunho widened his eyes, Yuta entered his sight. For some reason, he looked significantly different from how Yuta had remembered him. As of now, Yunho’s cheeks were chubbier, accompanied by a softer gaze that made him look less intimidating.
“Maybe Yuta stole one of our Japanese to Korean books.”
That was a voice that Yuta did not expect to hear. From all the times he’d encountered Tohoshinki, he’d only heard Yunho and Changmin’s voices. But that was neither of them speaking. This realization hit Yuta, as the big eyed, doll-like boy smiled towards Yuta’s direction.
Jaejoong. The Youngwoong Jaejoong.
“I swear I didn’t steal it!” Yuta cried.
“We’re just joking with you Yuta-san.”
That was another voice that Yuta had heard of for the first time, not in a song, but in Yuta’s vicinity. That warm, husky tone. Yoochun.
There was a laugh that resembled a dolphin’s squeaking resonated through the room, evoking Yuta’s curiosity, as he turned around.
“Xiah Junsu… ” Yuta whispered.
“JUNSU HURRY UP!!” Changmin cried.
“His ass is so big that it makes it harder for him to walk,” Yoochun snickered.
“Who said that?” Junsu screeched.
“That was Changmin,” Yoochun said, pointing at the maknae.
Changmin rolled his eyes. “My jokes are not that vulgar.”
“Says the one who watches porn in the living room computer,” Jaejoong said, nudging the younger one.
“God you guys are so gross,” Yunho said, walking over to the couch.
“Finally the show is done...we get to rest for...1 week...”
Before Yuta was an idol, he used to binge watch Tohoshinki Behind the Scenes music videos, where they would often converse in Korean. His fourteen year old self did not understand anything without the reliance of subs. But now, he could understand them word for word.
Yuta placed his hand on his forehead, wondering if this hallucination was happening because of a fever. The formation of TVXQ5 was impossible, especially with all the legal problems and fan sentiment that followed. Their separation took a toll, not only with fans, but the music industry as a whole. Yuta could still remember it, the day they split. He woke up to the sound of the news on the radio. During that day, it was hard for Yuta to focus in school, knowing that his favorite band was in shambles.
“I’m dreaming...I’m dreaming…” Yuta muttered to himself in Japanese.
“Yuta-san, you must be tired from styling us...at least you’ll be having a 1 week break,” Jaejoong said, as he faced the mirror.
“N...no...I’m not tired at all…” Yuta croaked. “In fact, I’m more energetic than ever!”
Jaejoong was definitely the best in Japanese. The way he spoke it sounded so natural, as if he was Japanese himself-perhaps, Jaejoong’s skill in immersing himself in another culture was one of Yuta’s motivations for pursuing a career that required him to speak another language.
“Yuta-san!”
Yuta turned to the old, chubby man, who had a clipboard in his hand.
“Y...yes?”
“They have interviewers coming in backstage, so make sure they look good…”
He was guessing that this was their manager.
“Okay…” Yuta croaked, as his eyes darted towards the table.
The boys were all in their seats, with the exception of Jaejoong, who was drinking a bottle of water.
Yuta closed his eyes, recalling what NCT 127’s stylist’s procedure was. First, they would put powder on their faces if it got too greasy. Then, they would put a little bit of hairspray on their hair. Then a little bit of eyebrow tint. That was all that they needed. But it’s not like Yuta was trained for this, how could he do it to all five of them?
Snapping out of his daze, Yuta rushed over to Yoochun, whose long hair was frizzy. Yuta’s hand dived in for the comb and hairspray.
“Please don’t mess up their hair, please don’t mess up their hair…” Yuta mumbled to himself.
Yoochun somewhat resembled Johnny, with their lowly placed lips and their sleepy looking eyes. This fact made Yuta shiver, as he combed through the tangles of Yoochun’s hair.
“I think...that’s good,” Yoochun said.
“Oh okay...I hope so,” Yuta said, as he placed his comb down. Now his hands were sticky as ever, as he tried to wipe off the hairspray on his lap.
“You look a little pale, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Yuta said, forcing his grin. “You don’t need to worry about me.”
Yuta appreciated the concern, despite him not showing it, as he moved on to Junsu, who was reading One Piece on his lap.
To Yuta’s surprise, Junsu’s cheekbones were higher than he had expected. His eyes were also ten times sharper in real life than in photographs. Though, it’s been a while since he’d looked at Junsu, due to the JYJ-ban in SM Entertainment.
“Hello,” Yuta said.
“Yuta-san,” Junsu squeaked.
“Your hair doesn’t look too bad, but your foundation is wearing off…” Yuta said, as he turned to the counter.
“Sucks that the other stylist-noona is sick,” Junsu sighed.
Yuta found Junsu’s slip of Korean amusing.
“Oh I’m sorry,” Junsu said. “I mean Rei-san.”
“It’s okay, I know what Noona means.”
“You’re smart Yuta,” Junsu remarked.
“Uh...thanks,” Yuta said, as he dabbed a bit of concealer on Junsu’s face. With his limited knowledge of how concealer worked, Yuta attempted to make things work as he smudged the pigment underneath Junsu’s eyes.
“Be honest...are my under eye circles that bad?”
“No! Not at all Junsu-san,” Yuta croaked. “It’s just that...I’m kind of...experimenting with the concealer...that’s all.”
“Okay,” Junsu said.
“5 mintues!” the manager cried.
“Shit…” Yuta muttered. “You know what Junsu, I think you look splendid...I mean your hair doesn’t look that bad.”
Yuta ran to Changmin, whose eyes were closed. He looked like a little baby, especially with how his lips naturally pouted while sleeping. Maybe this is why they called him Bambi. He was cute without trying.
“Just a little greasy…and his lips are chapped too….” Yuta whispered.
Thankfully, there was a stick of lip balm and a jar of powder foundation on the counter. Taking action, Yuta immediately grabbed it and rubbed lip balm onto Changmin’s lips. Then, he patted the powder on Changmin’s moist skin. Then, he was back to looking like his normal looking self. Yuta would’ve never imagined putting Changmin’s makeup on, especially with the little face-to face contact he had with him in the present day. To Yuta, Changmin was like an absolute God to him. Compared to the present, Changmin right now was at his least intimidating state.
Then, Yuta’s fear skyrocketed, as he moved on to Yunho. Not only was he scared of Yunho, but so were the other trainees and hoobaes. Yunho was known for his passion and his persistence. He was also known for his lengthy pep talks, as he gave them to each junior every time he came across them. Taeyong was a victim of this.
“Hello…” Yuta said.
Yuta put his observation skills to the test. What was Yunho missing? Well, he did lose color in his eyebrows. Also, his neck was darker compared to his face, which evoked Yuta’s concern, as he looked for the foundation. Finally, he found a bottle of it as it sat on the tray of makeup supplies.
With his shaking hands, Yuta poured the foundation onto his palm. Perhaps, he poured a little too much, as it slipped from his skin and dripped onto the floor.
“Oh no…I’m sorry sunbaenim…”
“I’ll help,” Jaejoong said, walking over to Yuta’s rescue.
“I think that shade is too light for Yunho,” Jaejoong said. “You got the wrong shade.”
“Oh...I’m…”
“His skin is on the warm side,” Jaejoong said, as he pulled out a beige-shade from the makeup tray.
“It’s stressful without Rei,” Jaejoong said.
“Yeah it is…” Yuta said, as he grabbed one of the makeup sponges.
“I’ll clean up the spill, while you do Yunho’s face.”
“Sorry about that Yunho,” Yuta said, as he dabbed the foundation onto Yunho’s face.
“It’s fine Yuta-san. I know you’re trying your best.”
Yuta....I know you’re trying your best. Don’t give up.
Yunho’s warm nature never changed. He was still as sincere and kind as he was in the present. How are some people born with such good personalities? Was being born with a kind heart like being born with a lot of money?
Then, Yuta spread the foundation to Yunho’s neck.
“I think...that’s okay….” Yuta said, as he did the last finishing touches on Yunho’s skin.
“Thank you Yuta-san,” Yunho said, smiling.
“No...no problem…” Yuta croaked. “I’m sorry...I almost got the foundation on your shoes…”
“It’s okay, people make mistakes...at least you’re learning from them.”
“Right,” Yuta grinned.
Then, there was Jaejoong, who was being self-sufficient, as he combed his hair.
“Do...do you still need help?” Yuta asked.
“No I’m okay,” Jaejoong said.
Jaejoong was truly like a living doll. Out of all five of them, there was something different about Jaejoong’s aura. His skin was white, almost to the point that it looked like untouchable porcelain. Perhaps, his most striking feature was his eyes. They were big and bright, like glass windows. Despite the impression he gave off, he was definitely the most accommodating. Especially with the friendliness of his tone, as he spoke in an unintimidating, approachable manner.
“Okay boys!” the manager cried. “The interviewer is here!”
Yuta stood aside, as he saw a camera man and a woman walk with a microphone inside. The atmosphere suddenly changed, as the boys stood up from their chairs with smiles on their faces. The difference was quite astounding. A minute ago, they all looked dead and out of energy. Perhaps, that was a requirement for the performer; the ability to put on a facade.
**
Rather than a dream, it started to feel as if Yuta was in another hyper-reality, especially as his hunger began to kick in.
As the concert ended, the manager drove Tohoshinki home. Yuta was too shameful to ask for a ride, as he proposed the idea of taking the bus home. The problem was, he had no home. It didn’t take him until now to realize.
There was no other place that Yuta could go. He only had the vast, dark streets, as he walked in its infinity, waiting to reach a dead end.
He checked his pockets, searching for a key or any piece of information that could help him indicate where his home was. Unfortunately, all he found was a gum wrapper.
It took a lot for him to get used to his flip phone, as he searched for his contact list. Only his manager and an unlabeled contact were the ones whom he could reach. But it’s not like he could burden them, especially not at this hour.
With his remaining change, he convinced himself to walk towards the nearest convenience store, hoping he could find something to eat. Perhaps, he could sleep on a park bench after. Worries came to mind as he thought about that possibility, such as the occurrence of rain, or even worse; a robbery.
“Mark...Taeyong...Johnny….” Yuta muttered, as he fumbled with the hem of his shirt sleeve. “Where are you...I miss you all…”
Yuta hung his head low, as he stumbled in the convenience store. Despite the hopelessness that lingered in his gut, the mundane, yet inviting atmosphere of the store made him feel at home, as he scanned the shelves surrounding him, drooling over the ramen packages.
His excitement took over him, as he shuffled his feet towards the snacks aisle. Chips, cookies, bubble gum. The next aisle had steamed buns. While the other had fizzy drinks that made his stomach ignite like a flame.
Not thinking about how his stomach could possibly suffer from all the food he’s chosen, Yuta swept the goods in his arm and walked over to the counter.
“Eight hundred yen please,” the cashier said.
Yuta’s sweaty palms fished for his pockets. To his utter horror, there was only a five hundred yen bill. He could’ve sworn that there was more.
“I’ll pay for the rest.”
Yuta’s eyes were about to burst out of his sockets, as his eyes came across a masked man. Before he could decline his offer, the man placed his arm out and handed the cash to the cashier.
“You...you didn’t have to…” Yuta croaked.
“It’s not like it’s a burden or anything,” the man said, as he lifted his mask off his nose.
Instantly, his worries washed away, as he came to recognize the man’s features.
“Jae...jaejoong-sunbaenim?”
“Sunbae?” Jaejoong asked, raising his eyebrow. “Are you using Korean again?”
“Uh…”
“It’s Jaejoong hyung,” he said, placing his hand on Yuta’s shoulder.
Suddenly, it became difficult for Yuta to move, as he gaped at the man, causing his jaw to lose all its feeling. It took at least ten seconds for Yuta to snap out of his daze, as the cashier slid his snacks to Yuta’s reach.
“Th...thank you…” Yuta stammered, as he grabbed the plastic bag.
“What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” Jaejoong asked, as he turned to Yuta. “I thought you already went home.”
“Uh…” Yuta said, as he walked over to the bar stool. “I...I got lost.”
“Why didn’t you just come with us in the car then? Our manager has a GPS,” Jaejoong said, as he took the seat beside Yuta’s.
“Um...because…” Yuta croaked, as he took out the chips out of his bag. “I honestly...I don’t know where my home is….”
“Not even the address?” Jaejoong asked, raising his eyebrows.
“No,” Yuta said, as he shook his head.
After partaking in conversation, Yuta realized that they were both speaking Japanese. Of course, what other language would they speak with? Conversing in Korean would be a bit odd, considering the situation that Yuta was in. It’s not like Yuta was known as an idol as of now. In this moment, he was just Yuta Nakamoto; not of NCT, but as Tohoshinki’s stylist.
“Do you have amnesia or something?” Jaejoong chuckled. “Or are you new to this city? I mean you had no trouble getting home until now.”
“No…” Yuta said, as he bit his lip.
How was Yuta supposed to tell him that the world they were living in was not actually the world he was familiar with? Was there anyway to disclose such a strange fact? His heart rapidly beat, as he sought for answers.
“Then do you want to sleep at our place?”
“No...no way!” Yuta cried, as he shook his head. “I don’t want to bother you guys.”
“Why not? There’s enough room...well there’s the couch.”
“Me sleeping with Toho...shinki?” Yuta stammered. “That’s....that’s just weird.”
“You’re talking to me as if we’re not friends or something,” Jaejoong scoffed, as he opened his Sprite can. “So what if we’re Tohoshinki? Does being Tohoshinki mean that we can’t sleep in the same room?”
“We’re...we’re friends?” Yuta asked. “Is that how close we are in this fictitious world?”
“Fic...fictitious world?” Jaejoong asked, narrowing his eyes. “You’re reading too much manga!”
Yuta gained the urge to slowly back away in a way, with the hopes of disappearing forever. Jaejoong probably thinks that he’s losing his mind. If he did think that, then Jaejoong is indeed right. Yuta is certainly losing his sanity, and there was no denying that.
“Sounds ridiculous I know,” Yuta scoffed, as he munched on one of his chips. “But…”
Jaejoong inched closer to Yuta. Yuta scrunched his nose in envy, taking note of his poreless skin.
“This world we’re in right now...is not real…we’re supposed to be living in the year 2019. But it says on my phone that it’s 2007.”
“2019?!” Jaejoong burst, as he widened his eyes.
Yuta could’ve sworn that he got a bit of Jaejoong’s sprite on his cheeks. But that didn’t matter.
“That is...12 years into the future. Yuta-san, are you drunk?”
“I am sober,” Yuta said. “I swear...if only I had my iPhone to prove to you that I’m from 2019, then you wouldn’t think I’m crazy at all…”
Jaejoong tossed his head back, in response to the utter nonsense he was hearing.
“What’s an iPhone? All I know is an iPod.”
“See? You don’t even know what it is because we’re in the past! But once we go 12 years into the future, you’ll know what it is...then the iPod will go extinct!”
“The iPod going extinct? Is that the type of world we’re going to live in?” Jaejoong asked, raising the pitch of his voice.
“Yes,” Yuta said, nodding. “Not only that but we’ll have GPS built into our phones...but that’s not what’s important...the important thing is...that...I don’t know why I’m in this world…”
“Are you practicing a script with me?” Jaejoong asked. “Because everything you said sounded absolutely nonsensical.”
“I’m not!” Yuta cried.
“Okay...well…” Jaejoong said, as he drummed his fingers on the counter. “If you’re really from the future....”
“...”
“What’s going to happen to Tohoshinki?”
A weight of horror dropped onto Yuta’s shoulders as Jaejoong asked the question. There was no ounce of seriousness, nor fear in Jaejoong’s face, as his face looked like he was trying to hold in his laughter. But that’s what scared Yuta; Jaejoong’s lack of awareness.
“I rather not say that…” Yuta said, as he placed his finger on his lips.
“Why not?” Jaejoong asked, as he crossed his arms. “I doubt anything’s going to change.”
“Are you sure about that?” Yuta asked, widening his eyes.
“I’m sure.”
“It sounds like you have a lot of confidence...sunbaenim…” Yuta said, as he took a sip of his water bottle.
“Why do you keep calling me sunbaenim?” Jaejoong asked, as he placed his chin on his palm. “How are you suddenly so fluent in Korean?”
“Because…” Yuta said, as he bit his lip.
Yuta had nothing left to lose. Jaejoong already had a glimpse of Yuta’s situation, along with his nonsensical outlook of their current reality.
“I’m...I’m actually a K-pop idol in the future.”
“You?! A...K-pop idol?!” Jaejoong cried.
Yuta kept count of the amount of times Jaejoong had almost fallen out of his chair. So far, it was two.
“Crazy huh?” Yuta said, as he slumped in his seat. “I don’t know if I’m really living in an alternate reality or not, but since this is a dream...I’ll just say the truth…of how I became an idol...and why I wanted to become an idol...”
“...”
Jaejoong was still in a state of disbelief, as he left his chips untouched. Instead, he gaped at the young fellow, anticipating the things that he had yet to say.
“In middle school...I saw Tohoshinki performing in A-Nation for the first time on T.V. I can remember this moment clearly. I had just come home from soccer practice. My mom was waiting for me…”
“...”
“She told me ...wow, those boys can really dance and sing…” Yuta said, cocking his head.
“Then what?” Jaejoong asked.
“Then,” Yuta sighed. “I asked my mom what your name was. And she said...Tohoshinki....then I went on the computer and searched you guys up on the Internet I was amazed to know that you guys came all the way from Korea and decided to start a career in Japan. The amount of dedication you guys had to this country...it made me feel inspired in some sort of way?”
“...”
“So then...that’s when the addiction started. I bought all your albums...I bought all your magazines. Yeah...kind of lame for a boy like me to be an Otaku for you guys but I couldn’t help myself…”
“...”
“Then, that’s when I decided...I’m going to become like Tohoshinki.”
“...”
“So then I went to my very first audition in Tokyo...it was scary ...I could literally feel all my bones shaking that day…when I sang Stand By You… ”
“So you got accepted?” Jaejoong asked.
“Well...yeah,” Yuta said, nodding. “Then SM Entertainment offered me to become a trainee in Korea...so then I quit soccer and worked part time jobs so I can save up for lodging and my plane ticket….then, that’s when it all began. My dream.”
“Wait...SM Entertainment?!” Jaejoong cried. “That’s…”
“Yes,” Yuta said, nodding. “Even the same company as you guys.”
“Wow...Yuta-san, I still don’t know if you’re telling the truth, but you’re amazing. Really, Really really amazing. You quit soccer just to become an idol? You flew from this beautiful country to become a…”
“Yeah,” Yuta said, nodding. “Crazy.”
“I admire you...really….” Jaejoong chuckled.
“But that’s not the point,” Yuta said. “If...if you ever doubt yourself…”
“...”
“Just know that...you inspire people....”
“You’re right,” Jaejoong sighed. “I do doubt myself from time to time.”
“...”
“But listening to your story, made me feel strong in some sort of way…” Jaejoong smiled.
“But…” Yuta said, as he lowered his head. “It’s not like I could stop you from the decisions that you’ll be making.”
“What do you mean?” Jaejoong asked.
It was only 2007. There was no point of worrying Jaejoong, especially at a time were him and his group were in a state of euphoria. But, this was only a dream. Nothing would change, even if Yuta decided to tell the truth to Jaejoong.
“Can you picture yourself in a future...where...the five of you aren’t together?” Yuta asked.
Instead of reacting dramatically like last time, Jaejoong became motionless.
“How could you ask a question like that?” Jaejoong scoffed.
“Just think about it,” Yuta said. “Can you?”
“Well…” Jaejoong said, sipping his Sprite. “N...no.”
“What if…”
“...”
“You felt trapped...so then you decided to part ways with your group?” Yuta asked.
“Trapped? Why would I feel trapped?” Jaejoong muttered.
Yuta suddenly regretted his question. Though, it’s not like he could take any of his words back.
“Well...let’s say...you want more for yourself...but the others don’t feel the same way as you, so then...your differences get in the way…”
“I can’t imagine a future without my bandmates,” Jaejoong said, tightening the grip of his can.
“Are you sure?”
“No!” Jaejoong cried.
Jaejoong’s voice resonated throughout the convenience store, making Yuta feel smaller than ever.
“I can’t imagine it…”
“I’m sorry,” Yuta said, standing up from his chair. “I shouldn’t have said anything...I’m probably making you feel like crap.”
Yuta wished he could wake up from this dream. No matter how much he pinched or slapped himself, there were no signs of him going back, as he stayed glued to this alternate reality.
“I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”
“...”
“But I’m willing to listen,” Jaejoong said.
“Well...if you want me to tell you what really happens, then I’ll be upfront about it.”
“...”
“You guys…” Yuta said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well two years from now...you, Junsu, and Yoochun specifically...you guys will file a lawsuit against your company...to terminate your contracts...”
No words came out of Jaejoong’s mouth, as his hand fell to his lap. He didn’t even flinch, as he kept his eyes fixed to the ground.
“What about Yunho and Changmin?”
“They didn’t do anything,” Yuta said.
“Then what happens?” Jaejoong asked.
“Um…” Yuta said, as he fumbled with the sleeves of his shirt. “You guys leave SM entertainment…and then TVXQ is only left with Yunho and Changmin.....”
“Why didn’t we bring them along?” Jaejoong asked.
Yuta’s heart wrenched as he caught the tears in Jaejoong’s eyes.
“I guess they had a different vision in mind,” Yuta replied.
“How bad was the whole lawsuit?” Jaejoong asked, scrunching his eyebrows.
“Well...I don’t want to sugarcoat anything,” Yuta said. “But let’s just say...it was really bad.”
“...”
“Some of your fans turned against you…” Yuta continued.
“...”
“How...how did you react Yuta-san?” Jaejoong asked.
“I..?” Yuta asked. “Well...like everybody else, I didn’t react too well...I think I had trouble paying attention to class that day your lawsuit was announced.”
“Sorry about that…” Jaejoong said.
“...”
“After the lawsuit...what happened to me Junsu and Yoochun?” Jaejoong asked.
“You guys...you guys form JYJ in another company…” Yuta explained.
“Then?”
“SM and Avex blacklists you from public broadcast in both Japan and in Korea…” Yuta said.
“How did we continue being a group then?”
“Well…” Yuta said, biting his lips. “You guys act in movies here and there, while Junsu decides to pursue a musical career...it seems like everything is going well until…”
“Until?”
An eerie feeling swam in Yuta’s stomach, as he prepared himself to report the disaster that was yet to come.
“Yoo...Yoochun’s scandal,” Yuta said. “It was all over the news...his sexual assault-”
“Se...sexual assault?” Jaejoong croaked.
“Yes,” Yuta nodded.
“Ho...how could he?”
“I don’t want to get into too much detail, but it’s crazy…” Yuta said.
“So..that’s how we’re going to end up…” Jaejoong said in a frail tone.
“Well...in my future.”
“I don’t want that to happen…” Jaejoong said. “I...I don’t want us to fall apart….”
“But...hey, it’s not that bad...I mean you’ll be rich in the end...and you’ll have the freedom that you want...right?”
Jaejoong trembled in his seat, as if a draft of cold air entered the store. The both of them stayed in silence, as Yuta reflected on the words that came out of his mouth. Had it been a good idea to tell all of this to Jaejoong? If Jaejoong ends up living his life in fear, there would be no one else to blame but Yuta.
“Hey on the bright side, since I’m telling this now…” Yuta said. “It means that you can change the future.”
A new glint of hope entered Jaejoong’s eyes as he looked up at Yuta. “Do you think that’s possible?”
“I dunno,” Yuta said, as he shrugged his shoulders. “The future is reliant on the choices that you make.”
“You’re right…” Jaejoong said, as he straightened his posture. “If I don’t want your future to happen...then that means...I have to change the reality…”
“Right,” Yuta said.
“I need a game plan.”
“A game plan?” Yuta asked, widening his eyes.
“Yes,” Jaejoong said, as he stood up. “If I want things to go my way, then I have to create some sort of list...of do’s and don’ts.”
“But...this is only a dream,” Yuta said, standing up. “Even if you make a game plan, nothing will change since I’m gonna wake up from it anyways.”
“Who knows if I have yet to try it?” Jaejoong said, as he walked towards the exit.
“Wait?! What are you planning to do?” Yuta asked, as he tagged along.
“I’m gonna write the things I need to do,” Jaejoong replied. “And I’m going to need your help.”
It felt as if Yuta had dug himself a deeper hole after Jaejoong’s sudden change in behavior, which showcased his eagerness to change the future, no matter how unrealistic his expectations could be.
After running a couple of blocks, they finally reached the bookstore. Following Jaejoong’s shadow, Yuta directed himself towards the journal section.
“You’re going to write the game plan in a daily planner?”
“Yes,” Jaejoong said, as he flipped through a red notebook. “I want to keep this organized as possible.”
Considering Tohoshinki’s growing popularity, Yuta found it strange that no one had recognized Jaejoong yet.
After purchasing the planner and the pen that came with it, the two of them sat n a bench in front of the store.
“How are you going to write the game plan?” Yuta asked.
Jaejoong took out the red pen.
He wrote:
TVXQ Must not Split!
“Are you trying to make this like Death Note?” Yuta asked.
“No,” Jaejoong said, rolling his eyes.
- No matter how frustrated I feel, I must not get ahead of myself. If I ever want to give up, I must think of my fans first. What if they get disappointed in me?
“That’s some good advice,” Yuta said. “ But…”
Before Jaejoong could respond to Yuta, he wrote another line.
- Prevent the members from getting into a scandal.
“That’s also something to consider,” Yuta said.
- Think of Yuta’s words. No matter how hard it gets, think about the future. Do you want to be torn apart from your members?
- Don’t be greedy.
- Don’t get too ahead of yourself.
- Think about the company ...think about the trouble you’ll cause for them if you file a lawsuit.
- Think about all the work you’ve put in establishing this group, only for it to fall apart because of your selfish desires.
- Don’t whine.
- If you’re feeling sick, continue to perform on the stage. We don’t want fans to worry.
“Wait…” Yuta said. “Yuta’s words?”
“Yes,” Jaejoong nodded.
“Now I feel even worse,” Yuta said. “I feel like I’m putting necessary pressure on you...that’s not how I want you to feel….”
“Then how should I think?” Jaejoong asked.
“You should….”
Then, Yuta realized something, as he grabbed Jaejoong’s hand and stopped him from writing. He did the same thing to himself in the present. He put unnecessary pressure on himself both as a performer and a person. Yuta shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling like a human. If he wanted to rest, then he should be able to rest. If he wants to sit out of the stage because his leg hurt, then he should have the right to do so. He should have the right to live freely. The right to live happily. Instead of fearing whether he would be replaced or not, he should be confident. He was a damn member of NCT127 for God Sake! No one can take Yuta’s place, even if SM entertainment tried.
Yuta stole the pen from Jaejoong.
“ If you’re hurting, tell the manager.
If the manager doesn’t let you rest, scream with all your might.
Fight for your right to heal your pain.
If the manager doesn’t let you eat,
Tell them that you could die from malnutrition.
If you want your fans to be happy, then you have to be healthy first.
If you think that you’re being under compensated for all the things you’re doing
Just know that you’re good enough.
Don’t be guilty for something you can’t control.
Don’t hide your pain.
Remember, you’re not alone.
Don’t be afraid to tell your members your problems.
They will understand. Or they should at least try to.
Your health comes first.
Your happiness comes first.”
“That’s how the game plan should be,” Yuta said, as he gave the pen to Jaejoong.
Yuta waited for Jaejoong’s reaction, as he watched Jaejoong read the journal. A few moments later, Jaejoong put the journal down on his lap. His eyes didn’t escape the paper, much to Yuta’s surprise, as he kept the book open. Then, Jaejoong muttered the words to himself, over and over again, until his voice broke down.
“Who knew a bunch of words...were enough to make me weak like this?”
“S...sorry,” Yuta whispered.
“No...don’t be sorry….” Jaejoong said, as he shook his head. “I’m...grateful...I really am Yuta-san.”
“Even if you can’t change the future…” Yuta said, as he looked up at the streetlights. “At least the best thing you could do is to be honest with yourself...and to learn how to forgive…”
“Am I forgiving in the future?” Jaejoong asked. “Even...even if I part ways with Yunho and Changmin…”
“....”
“Will I stay friends with them?” Jaejoong asked, as he wiped his tears.
“I don’t know…” Yuta sighed. “Yunho and Changmin sunbaenim...they never really mention you guys…”
A cloud of darkness loomed over Jaejoong’s face, as his mouth curved downwards.
“Maybe there was a misunderstanding that happened...but whatever it is,” Yuta said. “Maybe you guys hid things from each other...maybe that’s why it was hard for you guys to forgive each other.”
“So...we have to be honest…” Jaejoong said.
“Yes...be as honest as you can. Even from the start,” Yuta replied. “Honesty is the foundation to all things.”
“...”
“That’s what Yunho from the future said to me,” Yuta grinned.
“How’s Yunho like in the future?” Jaejoong asked.
“Well…” Yuta said. “He’s....he’s still passionate as ever.”
“Changmin?”
“Well…” Yuta chuckled. “He’s Changmin. He’s not much of a baby like now though. He’s really tall.”
“Of course, he’ll never stop growing,” Jaejoong said, as he tossed his head back.
***
A blob of figures entered Yuta’s vision, as he regained his consciousness. Perhaps, it came from the fluorescent lights, unless he was going through another hallucinatory episode. Though, that was not the case, as he lay on the bed with his arm hooked onto the IV drip. These days, tt was a rarity for him to be in a state of peace and serenity. There was always something happening. Something to anticipate the next day. The schedules came piling up on him. Tours, radio interviews, rehersals, photo shoots, recordings. There was no time to rest. No time to reflect.
If only he could stay like this, just for one minute, with a nice bed to sleep on and a comfy pillow that lay underneath his head.
“Yuta...are you feeling okay now?”
“I guess so,” Yuta said.
It was definitely his manager’s voice that he heard.
“We had a jump scare. We thought you died or something.”
“Do you think I’m that weak?” Yuta groaned.
“Well...you have been losing weight,” the manager said. “So then...I brought you your favorite food….”
The smell of cheeseburgers reached his nose, causing his head to rise from the pillows.
“Lotte burger,” the manager said, as he placed the paper bag on the bed tray. “If you were hungry...you could’ve just told us…”
“It’s not like you would’ve let me break my diet,” Yuta scoffed.
“Well...maybe your persistence is unmatched in real life, but it’s definitely not unmatched in paper…”
“Wh...what do you mean?” Yuta asked, as he raised his eyebrow.
His manager sorted through his backpack, and drew out a red notebook. To Yuta’s surprise, the notebook looked vaguely familiar, as if he’d seen it before, though he couldn’t pinpoint where he’d actually seen it.
“ If you’re hurting, tell the manager.
If the manager doesn’t let you rest, scream with all your might.
Fight for your right to heal your pain.
If the manager doesn’t let you eat,
Tell them that you could die from malnutrition.
If you want your fans to be happy, then you have to be healthy first.
If you think that you’re being undercompensated for all the things you’re doing
Just know that you’re good enough.
Don’t be guilty for something you can’t control.
Don’t hide your pain.
Remember, you’re not alone.
Don’t be afraid to tell your members your problems.
They will understand. Or they should at least try to.
Your health comes first.
Your happiness comes first.”
“...”