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Patton smoothed the creases out of his shirt for the thousandth time, gripping the hem at the bottom. He tried not to glance out the window again, but his eyes kept drifting that way.
Outside, the dusty asphalt that ran in front of his apartment building was darkening as a light drizzle began falling. But the street remained empty. A car drove past; and kept driving until Patton couldn’t see it anymore.
He couldn’t decide if the buzz jumping around inside of him was excitement or anxiety. Maybe it was both. He just needed to find something to do, something to distract him. There was no reason for him to be this amped up. He needed to calm down, act normal, be cool-
And he was staring out the window again. The street was still empty. Still no Virgil.
Maybe it made sense for Patton to be so jumpy. After all, this was their first date. But they had known each other for years. They had met in their first class of their freshmen year. Two mutually lost children amongst a hoard of what appeared to be competent adults, they had clung to each other- and hadn’t let go since. Patton had lost count of the coffee shop study sessions, late-night Denny’s raids, and art gallery visits they had taken together. To anybody else, they had dating for the past three years.
But no, because it had taken Patton a year to realize why he blushed when Virgil waved at him across the street or why he was filled with so much pride when he was able to make Virgil laugh, or why getting a text from him was somehow better than getting an email saying class was cancelled. Then it had taken him another two years to get the courage to say anything.
Patton wanted everything to be perfect. He wanted Virgil to be dazzled, but most importantly, he wanted Virgil to have a good time. There was nothing Patton liked more than to see that smile break across Virgil’s face like a California sun after a week of rain.
Unfortunately, things were already off to a not-so-perfect start. The weather had been gloomy for the past week and didn’t show any sign of clearing up. It didn’t help that Patton’s housemate had randomly decided that she needed to take a road trip in their shared car. (Patton had never regretted anything more than his decision to share a car. The split payment was hardly worth the prevailing smell of sage and vegan pizza in his only vehicle). That meant Virgil had to pick up Patton- on the date that Patton was taking him out on.
Ugh. The whole thing was messy and somewhat awkward and not at all what Patton had pictured. But Virgil had been happy to go along with the whole thing, adorably bouncing on the balls of his feet. Patton was still in shock that Virgil had even said yes. He definitely hadn’t wrapped his head around how happy Virgil had seemed, excited even about picking Patton up.
Patton flopped backwards onto his bed and squeezed the nearest pillow to his chest. Thinking about Virgil- about his crooked grin, the way his eyes looked nearly violet in sunlight, the way he was always trying to introduce Patton to obscure bands, how his laugh seemed to come from somewhere deep in his chest and bubble up so that when he laughed it was like he was laughing with his whole being, just everything about him- made warmth well up inside of Patton. It was bright and it made his chest feel tight and the only thing he could do was grin and kick the back of his heels against his mattress. Patton was notorious for crying over anything remotely cute and he was supposed to keep his composure around Virgil? Ridiculous.
Patton lay there for a minute- or two or three, smiling so hard his face hurt. So maybe he was an actual adult who did adult things like pay bills and do laundry and buy vegetables; he still got flustered as easily as one of the blushing dames from the old movies Virgil liked to critique.
Patton checked his phone for the time. Virgil had agreed to be at his house at 5:00; it was 4:57. That gave Patton exactly three minutes to get himself together. It probably wasn’t going to happen but he had to give it a try. He was so scared to come off too strong and scare Virgil away. After all, Virgil didn’t even know Patton liked him that way until a week ago.
He sat up and took a deep breath. Two minutes. Just be normal- he’d been holding that act for years, he could keep it up for just a little while longer.
A minute ticked by, and then another, and then five or ten more and then roughly an entire geological eon on top of that. Patton found himself flat on his stomach on his bed, staring at his phone like if he really focused on the screen in front of him, he could ignore the worry that was quickly growing in his chest.
Another car rumbled by his window and Patton jumped up. Still no sign of Virgil and it was 5:15- far later than Patton had ever seen Virgil arrive to something they had agreed upon. Virgil had a reputation for showing up to things exceptionally early (he had gained infamy amongst professors for being the only student who had ever shown up to an eight a.m. class twenty minutes before it began) and Patton couldn’t clamp down on the doubt that was rising up inside of him.
Virgil didn’t forget things. He would worry and procrastinate and claim he forgot things- but it wasn’t something that actually happened. If Virgil was late, that meant he didn’t want to be there. Patton abandoned staring at his phone and began picking at the edges of his cuticles. It was something Virgil always got on his case about, but Virgil wasn’t there at the moment to say anything. What if he didn’t actually want to go out with Patton? What if he hadn’t actually been that happy and Patton had just imagined it all? What if he had just said yes to be nice? What if this had all been a mistake and their friendship would never be the same again?
Patton glanced back down at his phone. He wished he could call Virgil; he wanted to hear his voice, he wanted to say I’m so so sorry for messing up everything we had and I want to take it all back. I would eat all my words if it meant we could just be friends again. But no. Because Virgil hated talking on the phone. Because it would only make things worse. Because it was too late and he couldn’t possibly fix everything now.
Hey, he did say yes, though. And Virgil rarely lies. The immortally optimistic portion of Patton’s thoughts tried to show him a glimmer of hope. For once, it held some logic. Patton had rarely seen Virgil lie- the stress of keeping a story running and his worries of people finding out usually outweighed what he could gain from lying. Anyways, he wouldn’t lie about something this big. Would he?
Patton’s eyes had glazed over, far too focused on all of the thoughts swarming through his head to actually be able to see anything around him. His attention was brought snapping back to reality as his phone buzzed to life, flashing Virgil’s name.
He fumbled to answer quickly, hoping his voice didn’t sound squeaky as it scrambled out of his mouth like an overly-excited puppy, “Hey!”
“Can you come pick me up?” Virgil’s voice was rough and forced; he pushed the words out so quickly Patton could barely understand what he was saying.
“Wait, what? What’s going on? I don’t have a car remember-“
“There was an accident.”
The world dissolved into white noise. Patton couldn’t see anything, all of his senses cut off. His blood was rushing in his ears but he could feel it pounding all the way to his fingertips. He couldn’t remember how to breathe; he could only focus on the heavy rasps coming from Virgil across the speaker.
Suddenly time rushed back into place and all of Patton’s fear with it, “What happened? Are you ok? Did anyone get hurt? Who did it?”
“I- I just, I don’t- I think-“ Virgil stuttered out his words, breathless.
A sick heaviness settled into the pit of Patton’s stomach. He shouldn’t be the one freaking out right now, he couldn’t be- Virgil needed him.
Patton sighed, cutting off Virgil who still hadn’t managed to complete a sentence. He tried to keep his voice as low and level as he could despite the urge he was getting to run out of the house and find Virgil as fast as he could, “No, no. I’m sorry. It’ll be ok. I just need to know where you are and I’ll come get you.”
“It was- no, wait. Except then-“
“Virge. Street names. That’s all I need. Don’t worry about anything else.”
“Right. Sorry. Uh-,” For a second Patton couldn’t hear anything from the speakers except muffled footsteps, “Garnet. Garnet Street. And Maple.”
Patton just blinked for a moment, “But that’s just a few streets down from me. I’ll be there in just a second. Just- hang in there, ok?”
He didn’t wait for a reply. By the time it had probably taken Virgil to realize he had hung up, Patton was already pounding down the stairs. He ran out the door without a second thought, dismal weather forgotten as he sprinted off the porch and down the street.
Raindrops splattered against his bare arms and his breath steamed as it collided with the cool air around him. He didn’t notice and he didn’t care. His mind was completely occupied as he tried to remember how the local roads were stitched together. Under normal circumstances, he knew them as well as the veins that wove through his hand (probably better because while he did spend a good amount of time walking around, it had been quite a while seen he had memorized the back of his hand).
He heard the wreckage before he saw it. Or rather, the lack of sound. There were no birds, no crows cawing their dislike of the rain. Just the heavy silence of fog and the tick of cooling metal.
Patton slowed to a walk. He didn’t want to turn the corner. He was so scared of what he would find. His ears strained to pick up Virgil’s voice, but he couldn’t hear him at all. Patton knew Virgil was alive- he knew, he had just been on the phone with him- but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to be horribly wrong. The thought of Virgil being hurt pushed him back into a sprint.
The scene was a mess. The twisted hood of Virgil’s car lay at the top of the street, a good hundred feet from the actual vehicle. The front was crushed like an aluminum can someone had decided to step on. Patton couldn’t tell if the clouds rising from it were smoke or steam or maybe a combination of both.
Patton didn’t know he could run so quickly- one moment he was somewhere by the top of the street and the next he was in the middle of the wreckage, flying past patches of broken glass and twisted metal that reached towards the sky like demented sunflowers. Patton couldn’t stop if he wanted to.
Virgil was hunched over on the curb; his knees tucked to his chest, his head hung, and his hands clasped over his bent neck. Patton couldn’t see his eyes but he could bet they were squeezed shut, just trying to block out the world around him.
Patton was a very careful person. All of his usual gentle hesitation was thrown out the window. He could hear the glass crunching beneath his feet, but he felt nothing of the shards digging into his shoe soles. The fumes of the wreckage fell heavily into his lung but he didn’t notice the burn it left with every inhale.
As Patton’s feet pounded closer, Virgil curled deeper into his knees. His head sunk down until his face was completely hidden. He clamped his hands over his neck like he was try to wait out an earthquake. Pure terror shrouded Virgil and it made Patton’s insides boil.
Patton sat down and rubbed his hand over Virgil’s back; he could feel how tense his entire body was beneath his hoodie. He hated the way Virgil flinched under his touch, “Virgil, it’s me, it’s Patton. Can I give you a hug?”
Virgil didn’t answer with words, instead just barreling into Patton’s side. He wrapped his arm’s around Patton’s waist in a vice-grip and buried his head in Patton’s chest. Patton could feel Virgil’s chest brushing steadily against his own and only then realized how out of breath he was.
Patton wrapped his arms around Virgil’s shoulders and squeezed as tight as he could without risking some sort of collateral damage. It was grounding- feeling Virgil in his grasp, the tiny movements he made pressed against his chest, his hands gripping at the material of Patton’s shirt. It made everything feel real again; it was like the entire world had lost gravity but holding onto Virgil, Patton could at least get his feet on the ground.
The ringing faded from his ears, leaving nothing but the persistent sounds of rain to take its place. The street was dead and only the clouds could gaze down on their huddled forms. Virgil was shaking against his side but Patton couldn’t tell if he was crying or shivering.
He sat without saying anything for a few moments, clinging to Virgil just as tight as Virgil squeezed around him. He didn’t want to let go, still just trying to convince himself that Virgil was there, that he was ok.
An eerie calm fell over the scene. The lack of cars driving past made it seems like the entire world had paused around them. The rain fell in a consistent drizzle- it wasn’t even drops, simply a blanket that coated everything in a gloomy haze. It could have been five in the morning or three in the afternoon or even a completely different planet and Patton wouldn’t have been able to tell.
Virgil shifted against him, “Hey.”
Patton looked down, ready to respond but froze when he saw Virgil’s face. A cut arched over his left eyebrow, a streak of blood running all the way down to the dark shadow beneath his eyes, “Virgil, oh my god?! Are you ok? How did that happen?”
Virgil shrugged and broke away from Patton’s stare, “I got into a car accident. Shit like that happens. I probably hit my head on the wheel or something.”
“Yeah but are you ok?” If Virgil was going to be overly casual, then Patton would just have to substitute as his self preservation instincts.
“I’m fine, really. It looks worse than it actually is.”
Patton pursed his lips. It was obvious Virgil didn’t really want to talk about it, “Well, ok... are you hurt anywhere else?”
“I think I got kinda bruised on my chest from the seatbelt but it’ll be fine. It could have been a lot worse.”
Virgil’s hollow voice sent chills down Patton’s spine. His words made him tighten his grip around Virgil again as he was reminded just how lucky he was to be able to hold him at all.
Patton was still trying to get his feet on the ground but he realized with a start that Virgil was miles away. Virgil could have died. No wonder he sounded hollow, his mind was probably trying to run away from the memory of what had happened as fast as he possibly could.
Patton began rubbing his hand rhythmically across Virgil’s shoulders. Despite the chaos around them, that at least felt somewhat familiar. Virgil said Patton could help him calm down better than anyone else- something about how he drew his attention from all the thoughts in his head back to his physical form. Patton prayed he could help in the only way he knew how to.
Virgil stared out across the wreckage. His eyes were glassy and filled with clouds to rival the gray hanging in the sky.
“They ran the stop sign,” His voice reached down from somewhere in the storm.
“T-boned my car. Their front bumper hit my passenger side,” He was a thousand miles away.
Patton brushed his hand up and down along the vertical stripes of Virgil’s plaid sweatshirt, trying to follow the beats of his breathing.
“Then they just kept driving,” A hundred miles, “I don’t get how really- their car couldn’t have been much better off than mine.”
Patton just wished he could do more. He didn’t know what to do and all he did know was that it wasn’t enough. He wanted to reverse all of time just to stop Virgil from getting hurt.
“It was crazy. I don’t even know how to explain it. It was like being on a roller coaster, except there’s no tracks and you have no idea where it’s going or when it’s going to stop or if it’s ever actually going to stop,” Ten miles- tops. His voice was quickly deteriorating, weakening with every foot he fell closer to the surface of the planet.
Patton could feel Virgil shaking in his arms. He felt so small and Patton wished he could protect him from every ugly, horrible thing in this stupid world. Virgil didn’t deserve this.
Virgil hit the surface of the planet with a shudder, chocking on his words as they tumbled out of his mouth, “I just- I kept thinking- and about- but I couldn’t do- I just wanted and-“
Virgil froze suddenly, the silence shocking after his stream of broken words. Patton wasn’t sure if it was better or worse until Virgil slumped forward, sobs wracking his body. It was quiet except for the hiccuping gasps the escaped Virgil and Patton could say decisively that this was so much worse than any incoherent ramble.
Patton ran his hand through Virgil’s hair, keeping the other arm tucked snugly around Virgil’s side. He winced as his fingers hit the sticky dampness in his bangs that could only be blood. He kept shushing him gently, but he wasn’t actually sure who he was telling to be quiet. It wasn’t that he wanted Virgil to be quiet; he just wanted the rest of the world to stop for a moment.
They sat there for what could have been anywhere between a minute and a week, seconds drawn out between Virgil’s stuttering breaths.
Virgil shifted suddenly, raising his head and turning his knees to face Patton. His eyes were red and still filled with tears. His face was flushed but the cut still stood out; it burned a dark burgundy as the blood dried and a bruise bloomed out around it. It was nearly painful to look at. It felt like Patton’s heart was being squeezed in a giant fist and no matter what he did, he couldn’t escape that suffocating pressure. He was still so angry- angrier than he had felt in years and to the point it was almost surprising.
“I’m sorry,” Virgil’s voice was small and cracked between the words.
Patton could feel his eyebrows scrunching together, “Why would you have a single thing to be sorry for?”
Virgil hung his head, arms balanced on his knees so Patton couldn’t quite see his face, “I don’t know... this was supposed to be our first date and I ruined it.”
Patton wasn’t sure how to respond. He could feel his heart shattering at Virgil’s words, glass shards cutting through his chest. A tiny incredulous laugh crawled its way up Patton’s throat. Or maybe it had fallen from his dizzy head. Either way, it landed in his mouth, mixing bitterly with the coppery taste of adrenaline.
He shook his head, “No, Virge. Please don’t be sorry. This isn’t your fault. Besides, I’m just glad that you’re ok.”
“But-“
“But nothing. I’m happy just to be able to hold you,” Patton tried to convey his sincerity, pushing his gratefulness into every word and hoping Virgil would hear it.
Virgil scooted closer and leaned his head against Patton’s chest. Patton tucked his chin over Virgil’s head, happy to feel Virgil’s breathing steadying out into its regular pattern. The gasps were replaced with only the occasional sniffle.
“So, where were you going to take me?”
“What?”
“Where were you going to take me?” Virgil repeated the question, “You know, for our date?”
Patton’s lips twitched up into a smile, “That’s a surprise.”
Virgil gave a huff of a laugh, “It’s not exactly like we’re going to go now.”
Patton rolled the question around in his head, “Yeah, but we could try again sometime; First Date, Take Two. I mean, if that’s something you would like to do.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to do that?” Virgil sounded genuinely confused.
“It’s just that... I thought that maybe,” Patton sighed, “Maybe you didn’t actually want to go out with me and that I had kinda ruined our friendship.”
Virgil moved so he could face Patton directly, “You really thought I didn’t mean it when I said yes?”
Patton tried not squirm but the usual butterflies in his stomach had transformed into snakes, “It’s not that I didn’t believe you, I just wondered-“
Virgil interrupted with a laugh but Patton couldn’t figure out what was so funny. His eyes narrowed as they studied Patton’s face, trying to find something but what exactly, Patton had no clue.
“God, you big dummy,” Virgil chuckled again and Patton felt something in his chest crumble. He didn’t want to hear the next words, he just wanted to implode in on himself and never face the world again, “I love you. I have for years. I know this might be kind of weird to say, seeing as we haven’t even had our first date but I’ve known you for what feels like forever and you’re my best friend and when you said you liked me as more of a friend I was so surprised but-“
“You love me?” Patton cut off Virgil’s ramble. Those were not the words he had been expecting.
Virgil wrung his hands in his lap, “Yeah. Is that ok?”
“Virgil, honey, I-“ Patton tried to stutter out all of the things he was feeling but it just wasn’t possible. He took a deep breath, letting his body relax for the first time in he-didn’t-know-how-long. He let himself simply dissolve into the warmth that was taking over all of his systems, “I love you too.”
Patton wasn’t really sure what happened next. He was leaning forward and Virgil was leaning forward and suddenly their lips were pressed together. His eyes fluttered close as he melted further towards Virgil. It was gentle and warm despite the drizzle that continued to coat them. Patton could feel Virgil’s eyelashes brush against his cheek; they were damp and nearly as soft his mouth.
Virgil pulled away, “Uh, was that ok too?”
“I think that was a little more than ok,” Patton hoped his voice wasn’t as weak as it sounded to his own ears.
Virgil let his head fall back against Patton’s chest which- from the inside- felt like a furnace left on too long, “Ow!”
Patton immediately jumped at Virgil’s expression of pain, “What’s wrong?”
“I hit my cut on your chest. It’s fine.”
As much as Patton wished he could stay in that moment, he knew it couldn’t last forever, “We should get you to the hospital; you might be worse off than you think.
Virgil whined as Patton stood up but accepted the hand up. His legs shook as he tried to put weight on them. It took him a moment to gain his balance, placing a bit more of his weight on Patton than was probably necessary as he leaned his shoulder, “How are we going to get there?”
“I’ll drive you.”
“Uh, Patton?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have a car, remember?”
“Oh.”