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John Egbert User's Manual
Thank you for purchasing your HOMESTUCK UNIT from WHAT PUMPKIN, the loveable if chaotic company that has brought you the delights of HOMESTUCK and its various video games! As made obviously clear by our 26 font, bolded title, this user’s manual is for JOHN EGBERT, the HEIR OF BREATH and prankster mastermind. While a mild mannered guy, this mischievous skylark may cause you some headaches, so we here at WP fully recommend to read the manual before unleashing this bucktoothed wonder on the world.
Legal Jargon Disclaimer Bullshit {What do you mean we can’t write that as a title? Screw it, I’m the Huss I do what I want! You better keep it in Emma, wait are you writing my whole rant? Ya know what, you do you girl. Just as long as we copy and paste everything from this disclaimer into the other manuals. I might be a writer damnit, but that doesn’t mean I want to come up with something new every time for this.}
So, just to lay down the ground rules and answer any moral/ethical questions one might have, all HOMESTUCK UNITS are homegrown, ecto-biology created individuals all capable of rational thought, expression of self and existence, and personality. No humans, animals, insects, plants, aliens, etc. were harmed in the making of these individuals and no mindscrewing of innocent individuals like a cheap sci-fi series occurred either. Not only do our units look like their comic counterparts, but they think and act like them as well! How we achieved this is waaay too technical and complex and frankly boring to describe so I’m just gonna say this: We did it, there was green slime involved, and now we have these guys. Look you can prostrate in front of us and weep tears of joy later, right now I have a manual to monologue while the fresh meat-I mean newest employee {I can see you rolling your eyes Emma} faithfully transcribes my words for your reading pleasure.
This however doesn’t mean that your unit might not have a negative reaction to learning that they were created with the sole purpose of replicating their fictional persona from a webcomic {Last time we tried to explain the situation to a prototype...eh, that’s not important and nobody died so it’s fine. Yes Emma, I know our lab got wrecked and you were terrified, so were half of the other guys}. So when the time comes to have the sit down to explain the birds, bees, and ecto-biology machines to them, be patient, kind, and preferably in a situation where physical harm isn’t a concern.
So yeah, back to the moral stuff so our lawyers are happy with us. While a majority of our beloved cast are around the 13 YEAR OLD marker, {or 6 SWEEPS OLD in the case of the TROLLS}, WP has taken the liberty to adjust the UNITS ages to a more appropriate and less creepy 21 years {10 SWEEPS}. This is in part due to unfortunate implications and situations that may arise with users interacting with our units, who would have been underaged individuals. Also in part because it is really sketchy when you unbox a literal teenager from our shipping. It’s weird enough doing it to an adult, a kid makes it even more squiwcky. Don’t fret and wail at the thought of your problematic fav no longer being exactly how you envisioned them (they probably don’t as they are anyway), their personalities are unchanged and this age change has been done with both you and the unit’s favor in mind. It also allows the unit to have more freedom in their new life with you, such as driving a car, getting a job, going to Nickel Shot Night, ect. Oh yeah, your UNIT is totally capable of getting a job {Keeping it is another story…} if they so desire and can greatly assist you in the running of your household, but we nor you run slave labor so don’t be an ass. We’ll list out some possibilities for each in case you and your new chum decide to flip through the classifieds or troll around some sites one day.
And since every single one of those damn shippers wants to know, yes your UNIT has fully anatomical parts associated with their species and gender and NO we here at WP are not going to describe the intricacies of TROLL genitalia for you. What’s in their pants is their own business {unless they want to show you}. The normal rules of society still apply: no non-con touching, no groping, and no otherwise inappropriate touching or actions without their explicit consent. {Good luck trying to use coercion on any of them anyway, you HAVE read the webcomic right? These guys can get violent fast and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself}. However, romance waits for neither man nor troll and our UNITS are fully capable of developing feelings for others, whether it’s another UNIT, the people around them, and even you. {Another reason for the age up too}. They can be romanced if you so desire but we recommend that you wait on this until they learn the whole “You’re fictional constructs from a webcomic given life, blah blah blah” since that can be a breach of trust and lead to relationship issues galore {Jeez Emma this is getting boring can’t we skip to the good stuff? I’m sure the readers are thinking the same thing}.
Good news folks, we’re just about done with all this legal asscovering according to Emma {and for once those were her words not mine!} and we’ll be right on the road shortly! Just remember: We here at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any BLOODSHED, MAIMING, MUTILATION, SICK FIRES, CHAOS, and/or SHENANIGANS that may occur with the purchase of our products! As the user of our amazing service, you’re responsible for the CARE, WELLBEING, and SAFETY of your UNIT and any failure to properly tend to them will lead to UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS and even REMOVAL of your UNIT. Any and all DAMAGE that may occur to you, your property, and others will likewise be attributed to you. Now, onto the good shit! Take it away Emma!
Unit Information
Unit Name: John Egbert (Duh, his name is literally in the manual title).
Additionally Answers To: Skylark, Boy, Johnny Boy, Windy Kid
Species: Human {Did you even READ my webcomic, if I have to hold your hand throughout this entire process-Oh great, more legal shit Emma? Fine, whatever, god I thought we finished this in the entire section DEDICATED to it.}
Classpect: Heir of Breath {Not gonna try and go into the intricacies of all this right now, just flip ahead to the Settings section where I actually describe the windy thing}
Age: 21 years old
Date of Birth: April 13th, 1996
Pesterchum Handle: ectoBiologist [EB]
Your Unit comes with the following
One set of casual clothes {What is our favorite skylark without his Slimer tv shirt? Not our favorite skylark at all!}
One set of Prospit pajamas
One Junior Ectobiologist’s Lab Suit
One set of God Tier PJs: Heir of Breath edition
One pair of computer glasses
One Cosbytop laptop {Equipped of course with the infamous MMORPG copy of Ghostbusters}
One Pogohammer
One Hammer of Zillyhoo
One bunny stuffed animal {You’re gonna have to take the bunny out of the box, and then immediately put it back in
One CASEY EGBERT unit {John’s gotta have his salamander child, though she also answers to VICEROY BUBBLES VON SALAMANCER and has an interest in necromancy equipped with a Crook of Frailty. Hope you like zombies dude!}
One copy of Colonel Sassacre’s Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery {Be warned, you need some serious MANGRIT to lift this sucker outta the box}
One copy of Wise Guy {Emma wants to clarify this is the Comedian edition, since another UNIT has a similar copy but this time revolving around Harry Anderson as the hardest boiled detective on the mean streets of the Big Easy}
One epipen {Reasons for this should be obvious and, if they’re not, are listed in the Unit’s Settings info just below}
Unit’s Settings
Dorky (Default)
Prankster (Default)
Heroic
Depressed
Peanut Allergy (Locked)
Trickster (Locked)
John’s DORKY mode is 24/7 baby! Hear him gush about various shitty B-list movies, primarily starring Nick Cage or Matthew Mcconaughey, co-op together in endless hours of play in the Ghostbuster MMORPG, and practicing magic tricks of all kinds! He’s a whiz of multiple games, from board to card to video, perfect for hours of couch potato fun for you both. To get the dork levels rising, or even just trying to bond with your new pal, pop in any old Nick Cage movie and you should be good to go! We at WP normally suggest Con Air, but John is acceptable to both romantic comedies and animated flicks as long as Cage makes an appearance. {Personally, I suggest you stick with the animated ones if you’re not a fan of the Cage face, bit of an acquired taste. Wait, hold up...Kay, Emma suggests Moonstruck and, loath as I am to admit it, Cage as the rugged and moody baker Tony with his wooden hand is perfect casting. “I LOST MY HAND, I LOST MY BRIDE!” Truly one of his better works as he is free to be as bombastic as he so desires.}
Similar to DORKY, PRANKSTER is constantly running for dear ol’ John boy. His prankster’s gambit must be kept at appropriate levels, else his mood sours and things can get a little fraught with the multiple pranks he’ll try to pull to gain more. Keep a constant eye out for buckets on doors, beagle puss glasses, flying pies, and much much more. If you’re one of those who doesn’t mind a series of one-uppings between you all in good jest, then have fun!
HEROIC is as the name implies, John getting the urge to help someone when he sees them in trouble! Whether it be a bunch of salamanders getting picked on by gigantic game constructs, a cat stuck in a tree, fighting an OP’d fishbitch of a dictator, ect, John is on the case to provide some assistance. Of course, this can be a bit nerve wracking at times, so it’s a good idea to keep an eye on him and maybe get some help from other Units, if you possess any, if it gets too hot to handle for the Heir.
Unfortunately, our normally happy-go-lucky dude has had several tough years and tragedies throughout his life, so he can also become quite morose and irritable at times. This DEPRESSED state usually happens when he’s had time to ponder over various topics, such as the death of his DAD at the hands of JACK NOIR, the longtime separation between him and his friends, the many destructive incidents that occured in SBURB, and the destruction of his original universe. A simple solution is to throw on some Nick Cage flick, but if he keeps dipping into the moody marsh of miserable memories, perhaps a legitimate therapist, or a ROSE LALONDE unit if you happen to have one, will help him in the long-term. Even a simple feelings jam every now and then can help out with improving his mood, hope you like heart-to-heart convos where you both bare your emotional scars to the world. WARNING: If this mode should persist for more than a few days, do try to contact outside help, whether its a therapist or even a call here to WP.
WARNING: For those of you who aren’t wholy familiar with Homestuck or forgot some minor detail that only popped up like once or twice {Really disappointed that I didn’t get the chance to play around with this but eh, I killed of Jake’s dreamself with this. That’s good enough for me.} John is HIGHLY ALLERGIC to peanuts and as soon as our bucktoothed Heir gets a taste of this, he’ll go blue and collapse. So be careful with your offerings of food and always make sure no cross-contamination occurs.
TRICKSTER mode is locked, and for good reason. The amount of candy fueled chaos that can be unleashed from a single lick of a juju, or a punch from someone already in this mode, is devastating. As such, it is incredibly difficult to unlock this mode and we aren’t even attempting to create the curio required for it. However, we still wish to give this warning {or our lawyers want to anyway} as a precaution. Be on the look out for PEACHY KEEN actions and an overly sugary personality, and for the love of all that is holy in this world, do not let this guy touch you. TRICKSTER mode is even more contagious than mono and can even have you feeling the affects. Best thing is to lock yourself up and wait the storm out. Once he crashes and wakes up, this mode should be over and you’ll probably be dealing with a DEPRESSED or at least very miserable John as he deals with the aftereffects.
Classpect
Gonna go out on a limb here and say you’re familiar with this term. If not, why are you even ordering a Homestuck unit? {Seriously Emma, WHY do I have to keep doing this? ...Okay, fine geez. You don’t have to give me that look. Yeah sure, we can try and keep a TEREZI PYROPE or TYZIAS ENTYK around for legal team in the future.} But to give you the skinny if you’re too lazy to check out the meat of the story {or even skim the goddamn wiki page or our amazing THE EXTENDED ZODIAC quiz}, a classpect is the combination of a character’s class and aspect, which are respectively the title that SBURG {or SGRUB in a troll’s case, or just me in general since I’m the creator and all} grants a person and the associated theme/ideal that resonates with them. I’m not going into detail about every little nitpicky detail for each one {that’s on you} so for now I’m just gonna get on with John.
John is the HEIR OF BREATH, meaning that he’s protected by and from the aspect of Breath, the sense of direction and freedom, as well as change. The abilities that were granted to John via godtiering {Nope! Not going to do it Emma! They bought this Unit, they can hold their own hand as they march their big-boy/girl/person self over to the computer and find it out on their own. Ugh, so annoying...}, are quite diverse, ranging him from doing The Windy Thing and controlling wind itself or fading into the breeze to avoid an attack. The usual perks of godtiering also apply, so John is effectively undying so long as he abides by the rules and not die a JUST or HEROIC death. The latter of which is probably more difficult than you think, given his HEROIC setting. Anyway, be aware we are monitoring the status of units so their care is up to you and we get an alert should any deaths occur, regardless of their nature.
Be Warned.
Also, since it completely slipped our minds until now {Mostly Emma's-OW! You're the one who forgot to point it out to me! Hey, put those fisticuffs down!} we're also including a critical power John's still nailing down-RETCON. Now, this ability is understood by few, even me, but the gist of it is that John is able to teleport wherever and whenever in the narrative he so desires to make changes or not at his discretion. Reason we didn't include it, is that we haven't actually seen the John we've kept around for testing use it, at all. He seems pretty comfortable and chill about the whole situation and hasn't experienced the desire to utilize them. However, should there ever be a serious life-death situation with huge ramifications that cannot be so easily fixed due to LIFE and TIME influence, John can use them in a pinch to DIY a massive fix. Don't be too surprised if John suddenly materializes in a white glow to prevent you from masking a massive level mistake. But again, its unlikely that he will use them anytime soon as long as you're a non-risk taking individual.
Potential Jobs
As we said, we’re here to suggest some jobs for you and John to search for should he ever decide to enter the rat race and contribute to the household. Some occupations we think would best suit John include:
Magician
John has a deep interest in magic and slight of hand, so he’d be a whiz at kids’ parties, venues, and more! Just keep practicing with him to making that rabbit disappear from the box and into you hat and he’ll be a success.
Comedian
With John’s love of practical japery and religious reading of Coronel Sasaccre’s tome, John will be a hysterical comedian. Get him at a venue and he’ll have the audience in stitches and soon you’ll be ranking in the boonbucks {Or whatever currency you’re using, not like I know who is gonna be our first vict-er, loyal customer that we’re so delighted to assist with. Oh yeah Emma, mock me for my smooth save.}
Pianist
John is well on his way to tickling the ivories and can certainly make some good money performing at any sort of venue if he’s motivated to practice. {Is it me or all of John’s possible occupations all turning out to be performance based?}
Unlocking Your Unit
Your Unit is going to be tightly packed in the shipping crate/box and even once you take care of the majority of the packaging, the only way to unlock that last bit is to get your unit to respond and undo the interior latch. {Why you may ask? Shenanigans, pure and simple.} As such, this means that every Unit needs to be activated by your outside actions in order for them to get out of their prison-like box. No two Units will react the same way, so I’ve gotta give you the juicy deets on some options for you to try to wake them up.
Option 1
One of the easiest ways to make John go wakey-wakey is to turn on a horribly cheesy B-list movie. As previously stated, he has an affinity for films starring Nick Cage, but he’s always open to movies such as Failure to Launch, Little Monsters, and more. {You want more ideas for what he’d like to watch? Go back to early Act 1 of my webcomic and read it yourself.} If its one he’s familiar with, say Con Air, John will instantly recognize the opening sounds/music and pop out like a damn Jack in the Box in order to join you in your movie watching. With others, you might have to fast forward to an iconic moment or when certain actors are talking. If you don’t wanna pop in a whole movie, just Google a certain scene from a movie and show it on YouTube. John might not be happy about missing an opportunity for watching the whole film, but he’ll still get out of the box. {Though he’ll want to put the bunny back in at least a dozen times during this process}
Option 2
Instigate a prank war. {More legal bullshit? Ugh, whatever...We at What Pumpkin are not liable for any injuries, destruction of property, disturbances of the peace, or general shenanigans that may occur should you take this option. We are merely suggesting possibilities in which you are to wake your unit and add that this is more likely to be successful and less destructive should you also be a prank master. There Emma, are we done with this?} John will spring outta that box faster than a Marine can say “Oohrah!” and you’ve got a prank war on your hands. Chaos will reign, your neighbors will make annoyed calls, the Prankster’s Gambit will rise and fall as you two wage a lengthy, hilarious battle. Stock up on shaving cream, cream pies, and other mischief making items before hand.
Option 3
Offer to play a game. Yeah it's that simple. John is a naturally curious and friendly guy who enjoys hanging out with potential chums, whether its over board games, video games, and more. This is hit or miss though, since he's still in a new environment and my not initially trust you with just this, so unless you have an extremely magnetic personality or some other UNITS to vouch for you, maybe pick something else.
Relationships with Other Units
What did you think we were just a one trick pony with just ol' John boy? Nope, we have a whole line all ready for lots of HOMESTUCK shenanigans! Well just one right now and pretty tame by comparison for what we have in the works {Yeah, yeah Emma, I won't ruin it for the readers, but I'm sure they can read through the lines and guess what I'm alluding to.} Now with new categories between humans and trolls! Be sure to check back in periodically with each new release to get our interpretation of their dynamics with other UNITS!
Humans
Rose Lalonde
Rose is one of John’s three closest human friends and, even after new pals and three years separation, that bond is still unshakeable. There’s a fine balance between snarking and goofballing at times, but rest assured these two are great chums, John going out of his way to help her develop new hobbies and sending a thoughtful letter and gift to her on her birthday. John has also promised to break Rose out of her more “crazy” moments so that will be helpful if she ever dips into GRIMDARK state and will do his best to help ground her until she can shake off the influence of the HORRORTERRORS.
Dave Strider
Dave is one of John’s three closest human friends and, despite a three year long separation between a speeding meteor and a rocketing ship, their friendship is still tight as fuck. Best of bros who love to snark, trade verbal barbs, and generally good around. Dave of course has to be the cool guy, but John can easily drag him into some casual, and nerdy, activities. John thinks highly of Dave, but don’t be too surprised if you see Dave getting a little flustered around our Heir. Just the usual emotional angst and questioning of sexuality at work.
Jade Harley
One of John’s closest human friends and his ecto-sister, Jade is a complete sweetheart and plucky girl. They have a great bond helped not only by years of friendship but also a three-year trek on a ship soaring through space {From John's perspective at least, Jade unfortunately lost her version of her dear brother and friend early on in the journey.} Familiarity breeds compatibility, and contempt, so if they start arguing make sure that they give each other some space. John might be dealing with some untapped grief, as his timeline's Jade was killed Wicked Witch of the East style, and even the arrival to a new session with an alive Jade isn't always enough to get over that misery. Still, once they get to talking and come to terms with things, John will hopefully improve mentally over it. At the end of the day, these two will be a delightful pair to be around and will frequently drag you into their shenanigans, whether its a movie marathon or board game session.
Jane Crocker
Here’s where relationships get complicated, as Jane is not only a chum of John’s but also his biological mother due to ecto-biology. Given the fact he got along well with Nanna, it’s a safe bet John and Jane will become good friends, especially with their love for pranks {Didn’t have a lot of time to explore this canonically so you’re going in a bit blind}. A rivalry will soon start and, while you might get caught in a game of one-upmanship between them, its a great way for them to bond. He might not be into baking as much as Jane, but try suggesting homemade products free from the taint of the Wicked Batterwitch and John might be more interested in joining in. With pranks and baked goods, its likely these two will get along great.
Jake English
The other genetic donor to John, there hasn’t been a lot of canon interaction with them. However, besides a severely sensitive and horrific peanut allergy, both boys have a huge love of movies and a sure fire way for these two to bond is to get a bucket of popcorn and fire up Netflix {Or troll around Target and pick up any movie that looks cheap and kindy geeky, seriously there’s no way you can pick a wrong one when these two are involved} They’ll be best of friends soon enough, just hope you can stomach some pretty shitty taste in films.
Roxy Lalonde
John may act even more dorky if you add a ROXY LALONDE unit to your household, as he has a bit of a crush on our gal. They do hit off rather well together, romantic tension aside, and both find each other fun and easy to talk to. Maybe romance, maybe just friendship, who knows what’ll happen when you throw these wacky kids together. Regardless, these two will have a great bond and you’ll be relieved to learn both provide emotional support over their negative experiences, which can certainly be helpful if John enters his DEPRESSED state at times.
Dirk Strider
Not a lot of interacting has occured between the J-man and D-Stride, besides a Doomed versioned meet up that ended with Dirk disintegrating into particles. But John is nothing if not a friendly fellow and will try to find some way to befriend Dirk, despite the other’s standoffish nature. To foster a good relationship, try and find ways to mix their interests {Kubo and the Two Strings is highly recommended as a movie, combining a love of Japanese aesthetic and stop motion animation with Matthew McConaughey as a giant beetle dude. Emma promises its great and if she’s wrong, you can send complaints back to WP with her name mentioned.} With luck, there should be some friendship between them.
Trolls
Karkat Vantas
Things started off kinda rough between John and Karkat, but luckily things have greatly improved! Due to time shenanigans, Karkat was already friends/on better terms with John when it was John’s initial first meeting {Damnit trollian with its confusing and ridiculous temporal skipping around, making it frustrating for everyone involved.} John was skeptical to trust trolls, particularly after the actions of TEREZI PYROPE towards him, so much so that it prompted him to change his handle to avoid the others and found Karkat ornery. But over time, John grew to appreciate his snarky companion and gave a heartfelt greeting to him when, by Karkat’s standards, it was their first interaction, thus ensuring Karkat would begin his reverse communications, become friends with him, and prompting John to trust him enough to begin it. While he was separated from Karkat and other friends for three years, John was excited at the prospect of seeing them all again upon arrival. John has expressed delight upon meeting/reuniting with Karkat both prior to and following his retcon powers, even stopping enough to give a brief hug and announce Karkat is his favorite troll. While John is a happy go lucky dude, it is possible that there may be some regret over the fact that his original timeline’s Karkat died and that, even with his powers, he still cannot wipe those memories from his grief. Despite these concerns, they will no doubt hit it off again once they’re reunited, reaching levels of friendship higher than the topmost rung of the echeladder!
{We at WHAT PUMPKIN would like to add that, should future lines of units be developed and make it to the market, we will send an updated version of the Relationships with Other Units sections to further outline their bonds if they are individuals your units have interacted with. If they haven’t, well then you’re screwed and are going to have to watch how that weird shit plays out.}
Troubleshooting
Just as a precaution, we're gonna include some general questions that our WP scientists have generated based on research and testing for when it comes to our UNITS. As well as what other inane questions you could possibly have. Aren't we just grand?
John is lying comatose on the ground after he ate some food I made. What happened???
Oh jeez dude, did you not read the section back in Unit’s Settings? John Egbert, and his ecto-biology relative/dad Jake English, have SEVERE PEANUT allergies. Even the smallest ingestion of these nuts will cause the Heir of Breath to become Void of Breath! {Heheh} We suggest using the free epipen that was provided by WP and in the future, be more cautious with your food preparation. While his godtiering ability will probably bring him back, it’s best not to risk the fickle fate of the HEROIC and JUST settings on the WP clock. Oh yeah, we have the clock and it alerts us to if a UNIT dies in your possession and if it was HEROIC, JUST, or neither. We’ll check in with you if things happen to get the full story, but be aware that your UNIT can be removed if you are an improper host.
There’s a crap ton of skeletons wandering around my house, please help it’s way too early for Halloween!
Oh that would be the work of Casey, or the Viceroy, that silly salamander playing around with the dark forces of nature to cause skeletons to rise from their graves! She sure is a hoot~ But seriously, be more concerned about the fact that your house is located on or near a mass grave, since Casey tends to wander around home than go exploring without John. Just wait for the spell to end and then firmly chastise her for her antics. Gently though.
John is somehow a blond and now dressed in a pink version of his godtier pjs’ and running around giggling like he swallowed a metric ton of sugary swill. Wtf Huss?
Ah! It seems that you have accidentally managed to unlock John’s TRICKSTER MODE, as listed under his settings. The conditions for meeting this situation are fairly rare so double check your home to make sure no ominous jujus of enticing sweetness are lying around. While John is going to be acting PEACHY and causing some trouble, he won’t remain in this mode for too long. However, if TRICKSTER MODE occurs for over 24 hours, do contact WP and we’ll send some aid. Otherwise, hunker down to weather the trickster storm and prep some water and headache bills once the sugar high leads to the worst crash that skylark is ever gonna see. He’ll be lethargic for a while, so take good care of him!
WHAT PUMPKIN'S Troubleshoot Office {Okay, Luis’s personal phone line, if we’re being honest here} can be reached at XXX-XXX-0413 at any time of day. {Aw don’t give me that Emma, he’d be happy to help! Probably.}
Final Words
Lots of our fans have always expressed their love and admiration for our loveable, misfit group of characters and we’re happy to offer the chance for you to interact with your favorite character! John is a swell guy looking for fun and games, and if you treat him right, he’ll be a friend for life! Just watch out for that dastardly PRANKSTER’S GAMBIT of his. {WHEW! We’re done! Emma, get that file to print and let’s get this show on the road! Huh, editing? Pssh, don’t worry about it, honestly how many people actually READ the manual to anything they buy? Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say.}