Archive of Our Own

Dorcas Meadowes represented a lot of firsts in the history of Hogwarts. She was the first female Quidditch captain. She was the first Black muggle-born student. She was the first openly transgender student. She was Marlene McKinnon’s first crush.

If you stayed up late enough at night, you could hear the sounds of hushed whispers and suppressed giggles echoing down the stone halls. If you had your eyes peeled, you could catch a glimpse of red hair and blue robes veiled in shadow. Marlene was always impressed by how easily Dorcas could solve the Ravenclaw riddles; often they didn’t understand the answer to the riddle even after Dorcas said it aloud.

In the Ravenclaw common room, the two spent many nights together. It was easier to sneak into this tower rather than Gryffindor Tower, since the Ravenclaw Tower staircase was blanketed in carpet which conveniently silenced their footsteps.

Besides, Dorcas was a Ravenclaw Prefect for her second year in a row, so even if they got caught she was sure that the other students would assume that there was some logical, non-rule-breaking reason for her to have Marlene here. But that isn’t to say that they’d never gotten caught before – the scars on the backs of both of their legs from Apollyon Pringle’s infamous cane were bold reminders of that.

There were plenty of places to snog in the Ravenclaw common room. For now their favorite spot was behind one of the massive bookshelves that lined the room like a library, because who doesn’t think that the smell of old books is sexy?

If they felt especially bold, the two would huddle together on one of the plush velvet chaise lounges, one on top of the other in an intimate embrace. Dorcas liked the way that Marlene’s red hair contrasted so vibrantly against the deep blue of the cushion’s fabric. She looked at them now, smiling around shallow breaths as they peered up at her with wide eyes and deep rosy cheeks. Dorcas settled down off of her elbows, upon which she had been propping herself, so that she could rest atop Marlene and place her head on their chest. She hummed in slight amusement at the fast-paced beating of their heart.

“That was good,” Marlene whispered, voice breathy and quiet. They closed their eyes to collect themself for a moment before opening them to look up at the mirrored ceiling. Absentmindedly they ran a hand through Dorcas’s hair, paying close attention to the gentle rhythmic pressure of her body against theirs as she breathed.

The two of them had been stealing away for long snogging sessions for a few months now, just occasionally at first but now nearing almost nightly. It had been easy to find common interests despite being from different houses and they became fast friends. But friendship when you are a teenager in the midst of exploring your identity and your sexuality and your confusion about all your emotions can sometimes turn into… well, this.

Marlene often found themself staring dreamily at Dorcas from across the room, or being amazed by every question she answered correctly in Dark Arts class, or cheering her name very enthusiastically at Quidditch games. They always wrote it off as friendship, or even best friendship, as the driving factor for these behaviors. It’s just friendly to wonder how your friend’s lips taste after eating a chocolate frog, isn’t it?

“Yes, it was,” murmured Dorcas. This drew Marlene from their thoughts for a moment, looking at Dorcas in the reflection of the ceiling rather than just daydreaming about looking at her. They placed a hand between her shoulder blades and sighed happily through their nose. She felt so warm and so nice and so beautiful rested on top of them like this. An irritating thought burrowed its way to the front of their mind and they tried to shove it aside, but the deed was already done. “You love her,” it said, and it was right.

“The sky is pretty tonight,” Marlene breathed, trying to distract from the warmth on their cheeks and the soft touch of Dorcas’s hand on their shoulder. They turned to look out one of the large arched windows at the shimmering reflection of the moon on the lake.

They felt Dorcas’s head shifting on their chest, followed by her soft voice responding, “Is it?” Marlene tilted their head to look down at her while she had her attention on the window, but was surprised to find that she was not looking outside at all, instead gazing directly at their face. When their eyes met, Marlene couldn’t move a muscle. She was breathtaking. It was nearly impossible not to kiss her right then; not the eager, curious, hormone-fueled kisses they were used to, but a soft and tender caress of the lips. “I didn’t notice,” Dorcas continued, not breaking eye contact as she blinked slowly and offered a sweet smile up at them. Marlene swore they could feel their heart stop. Surely they’d died and gone to Heaven.

After a few moments of flustered silence, Dorcas awkwardly cleared her throat and sat up a bit, moving to one side so that Marlene had some freedom to get up. She smoothed the front of her sweater and tucked in her shirt, but her smile had faded into a firm frown. She stared off across the room towards the statue of Rowena Ravenclaw, lost in thought. Marlene wondered what it must be like inside such a beautiful mind.

Slowly they sat up as well, placing a hand gingerly on Dorcas’s shoulder before leaning their head on it. “Are you alright?” they asked. Silence.

Dorcas stopped fidgeting with her clothes for a moment, still thoughtful. Then she took Marlene’s hand in both of hers and scooted over a bit so that she could face them with a smile. “How would you like to see the sky up close?”

Marlene’s eyes lit up at the thought, but they couldn’t help but be distracted for a moment by the warmth of Dorcas’s delicate palms. “I’d love that!” they said, gasping a little and covering their mouth with their free hand when they realized they had spoken a little too enthusiastically for the time of night. Dorcas chuckled softly, and the butterflies in Marlene’s stomach swarmed.

With a finger over her smirking lips, Dorcas stood and gathered both of their robes off the floor, handing Marlene’s to them and gesturing for them to wait while she briefly tiptoed away into the dormitory. When she returned, she had her broom in hand and a beaming grin on her face.

James Potter and the other Marauders could rely on their invisibility cloak to sneak around past curfew, but all Marlene and Dorcas had was good old-fashioned cunning. Hand in hand they traveled down Ravenclaw Tower and through the corridor, stopping every once in a while to hide behind pillars when they thought they heard professors’ footsteps, until they made it all the way up to the top of the Astronomy Tower. They were both out of breath and ramped up from the adrenaline of nearly getting caught a few times by the end of it, but at least they had the fresh air to soothe their lungs.

Once they had calmed down a bit, Marlene stepped to the handrail at the edge of the tower and looked out over the horizon, enraptured by the endless view of the stars and the sleeping wilderness. But when Dorcas came to stand beside them, fiddling with the broom and getting it ready to fly, suddenly the gorgeous night paled in comparison to her. “Dorcas,” they sighed softly, barely even noticing that they had said her name out loud. When she turned to look at them, they suddenly felt very self-conscious.

“Er…” Marlene stammered, glancing away for a moment. It was now or never. They needed to say it. It had been on their mind for quite some time, and they couldn’t hold it back anymore. “Dorcas.” They said it more decidedly this time. “I can’t keep doing this, going forward. We can’t keep sneaking off to kiss each other every night.”

Looking visibly crestfallen, Dorcas sighed and slowly nodded, her broomstick slumping at her side. “I understand,” she whispered, but her voice cracked. Even in the low light, the welling of tears in her eyes was apparent. She looked like her entire heart had just shattered all at once.

Suddenly Marlene realized that they had started off with very horrible wording for what they intended to say. With a concerned frown, they tenderly took her chin in their hand and lifted it until their eyes met. “No, Dorcas, I mean… I mean that I can’t keep doing it, like this. Of course I want to kiss you. Merlin, I want to kiss you all the time! But I don’t want to hide it anymore. I want to kiss you whenever I want, in the daylight, in the courtyard, in the Great Hall, or anywhere. Dorcas, I want you to be my girlfriend.”

Marlene’s chest felt tight. Their lungs felt like they might explode from the anticipation. Dorcas smiled very excitedly for a moment and opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but instead her brow furrowed and she retreated into a frown. Marlene tilted their head, puzzled. “Dorcas..?”

“We can’t, Marlene,” she said, her voice dark and heavy. “I… can’t.” She inhaled deeply, holding it for a moment before releasing it in a shuddering sigh. “I don’t want you to have to go through that. You know I’m…” she trailed off, but Marlene knew what she meant. It was hard to be trans and Black and muggle-born and a lesbian. It was hard to have to be the first of everything. “It’d be better for me to just be alone, I think. I mean, it’s not even legal for people like me to get married, so I’ve never even considered the possibility of a relationship.”

“That’s a muggle law, not a wizard one,” Marlene countered, but she knew that both governments probably had sway in Dorcas’s life since she had muggle parents. The two of them fell into silence again, so quiet that they could hear the distant calls of birds from the owlery. It was Marlene who broke it first. “And besides, I didn’t say anything about getting married. I just want to date you. I want to hold your hand in the hallways and carry your books to class and embarrass you by how much I want to talk about your eyes and your hands and your lips.”

Dorcas smiled. “That does sound nice.” Then she stopped smiling. “Listen, Marlene. I care about you so much. I… I think that maybe I love you. But this is just how things are.”

Marlene's heart fluttered at the way that four-letter word sounded in Dorcas's voice, but that wasn't what was important right then. They shook their head, stepping forward to wrap their arms around her waist. “No, it’s not. This,” they began, placing their hand over hers and squeezing it around the broomstick in her palm, “This is whatever we want it to be.”

They paused, raising their hand to gently caress her cheek. “I know it won’t be easy. I may not be a Ravenclaw, but I’m not a dimwit. I’ve seen how people look at Sirius and Remus when they kiss after class. But I don’t care. You’re worth it, Dorcas. You’re so worth it. And I’m ready to take that leap.”

Finally, they kissed. And it wasn’t a forceful, heated, overly-eager kiss hidden between the bookshelves in Ravenclaw Tower. It was soft, it was affectionate, and it was the first kiss they shared as partners, out in the open of the night.

“Are you ready?” Marlene took a step back and looked up at Dorcas with a smile, hoping that they looked calmer on the outside than they felt on the inside.

Dorcas took her broomstick and stepped over it, offering a hand to Marlene. They got on behind her, wrapping their arms across her middle and placing their chin on her shoulder. After a deep breath, Dorcas smiled and kissed Marlene’s cheek before leaning close to their ear and murmuring, “Let’s find out.”

And then, together, they jumped off the ledge of the Astronomy Tower and into something terrifying and exhilarating and new.