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Suffering horrific injuries would take at least a couple years to bounce back from. Injuries that would severely weaken someone to being put on the brink of death.
One would think that, but Charles was not a normal man. In fact, at this point he wasn’t even sure if he could be considered human anymore.
Dying wasn’t pleasant to put it the least, but at least he was at least alive somewhat. He didn’t have a heartbeat anymore, probably a side effect of being dead. Another side effect of being dead seemed to be a constant cold. The first couple of months was hard, especially with the whole stalking a secret military operation in the desert he had to do. That coupled with the horrible nightmares of reliving his death over and over and horrible outcomes of losing his boys, he decided sleep wasn’t needed. He silently embraced the cold and continued to his job without care for his wellbeing. For them he kept telling himself. For his boys.
After returning home, he couldn’t find it in him to sleep. He had too much to catch up on, and too much on the line to even think of sleeping. He just worked until he passed out from exhaustion. Most nights, however, he’d just fall asleep in his desk chair, leaving him with a nasty crick in his neck that he would just need to power through the next day.
The boys always had joked that he was a robot. Maybe they were right. He had to be cold and closed off. For their sake. For his sake.
Speaking of him.
Nathan was acting strange. It wasn’t the usual strange he’s grown used to with the very eccentric band under his supervision. No, something was off. He was keeping to himself more often, avoiding his bandmates in favor of staying his rooms most days. Nathan also wasn’t showing up to band meetings as frequently as he should, and when he did, he kept quiet, not derailing the entire meeting like he usually would. If Charles had to guess, and he’s a damn good guesser, he’d put it on Nathan having some sort of emotional problems. Nathan wasn’t the best at dealing with emotions that weren’t “brutal” and his weird method of coping this time was to bottle it up. Better then puking blood up Charles muses.
In any case, bottling up emotions wasn’t healthy. Charles knew that first hand. It wasn’t really any of Charles’ business on what was going on in Nathan’s personal life, that was why they had a band therapist after all. Despite that he decided to take it upon himself to go talk with the man. Emotions or not, Nathan had a job to do, and Charles was legally obligated to make him do it.
Something told him that it wasn’t the real reason he was going to see Nathan. A deep, buried part of his inner self knew that he still harbored romantic feelings for Nathan. Against his better judgment he buried the feelings again. He had a job to do first, and he wasn’t going to let his stupid feelings get in the way.
Things would be too easy if Nathan was at the band meeting. Charles was planning on asking him to come to office and maybe vent there, but of course things had to be complicated. Whatever. Most likely the man was his room still asleep, so it wouldn’t be hard to meet up with him later.
The meeting went as well as it could. Charles got at least two sentences in before someone, this time Toki, interjected with something, this time it was asking about something he saw on TV last night. From what Charles could gather from Toki’s excited babbling, it was basically stock car racing. Before Toki could talk more about the cars, Skwisgaar called him a baby. The two started to argue while Pickles goaded them on. Murderface had fallen asleep at some point, and honestly Charles’ couldn’t blame him.
Baby steps Charles, baby steps.
With the boys arguing over god knows what at this point, Charles excused himself from the room. He made his way through the Haus to where Nathan’s room was.
“Nathan?”
Silence.
“It’s me. Are you alright?”
Hopefully the man was in here. Charles did not want to start a wild goose chase across all over Mordhaus. He was a very busy man after all. He also hoped Nathan wasn’t puking his guts out from a bad drinking binge, because that would not be the best setting for a heart to heart. After a couple of moments, Charles heard a noise like a groan, and then Nathan’s voice echoed from behind the door.
“Charles? What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Just checking in. Seeing as you weren’t at the meeting today.”
A grunt followed by a yawn. Nathan probably just woke up, which was an accomplishment considering it was still morning for once.
“Well I was tired.”
“This is the fifth time you’ve missed a meeting Nathan.”
“You keeping a fucking spreadsheet?”
“No, but at this rate I should. You’re the leader Nathan, I expect you to be there.”
“Yeah well.”
Another yawn.
“I don’t feel like going alright.”
Despite the change in behavior Nathan was still acting like a child.
“Are you, ah, are you decent?”
He really did not want a repeat of the last time he walked in on a member of Mordhaus naked, he’d had enough scarring for two lives thank you very much.
“Yes.”
“Then may I come in?”
There was a thump that came from behind the door, then some stamping that got progressively louder. Finally, the door opened.
“What do you really want.”
Nathan was in a black robe and was holding his pillow in his right arm. His long hair was mostly covering his face, but between the strands of hair Charles saw Nathan’s face. He looked exhausted, heavy bags underneath his eyes.
“Like I said. I just wanted to, ah, check in on you considering you-”
Nathan cut Charles off by pulling him into his room. The room was surprisingly sparse, compared to the other members of Dethklok at least, only having a one dresser, his massive bed (which Charles considered a massive safety hazard, why Nathan insisted on spikes everywhere he has no clue), and a high-end sound system that Nathan likes to blast in the wee hours of the morning. After almost tripping on some clothes (seriously Nathan the hamper was right there), Charles was seated on the bed, feet dangling off the side. Jesus why was this bed so high?
“If you’re gonna talk with me, cut that monotone shit out. Tell me.”
Nathan stood in front of him, arms crossed. Charles felt like a child being scolded by their parent. The title of band dad fits Nathan well, he thinks.
“I.”
Those damned eyes. They were staring into him, begging for the truth to come out. Be it out of fear or love, Charles struggled to speak.
“I want to know if you were okay. Outside of work.”
“Well. I am. So, there you go.”
Bullshit.
“I don’t believe you.”
Nathan raised an eyebrow. When he didn’t respond, Charles continued.
“You care. You go to band meetings, you hang out with your band, and you do try to at least do some work. You don’t hold up in your room like this, unless something happened.”
Nathan himself was a very quiet man. Funny that the most prolific singer who made his income by screaming for thousands of fans was quite reserved. While that added to the mysterious and dark aura of the singer, it really didn’t help when Nathan was acting like this. Nathan wasn’t going to open up to anyone (feelings were gay after all), especially the man he considers a robot.
“There is something wrong. So please tell me.”
Charles knew how desperate he sounded but he didn’t care. He had to get through to Nathan somehow. It was a long shot, but if Nathan really was as ill as he believed, the least he could do was reach out to him, right? The seconds that dragged on felt like hours, and before Charles could change his mind, Nathan spoke first.
“Okay.”
Charles blinked. Nathan took his place next to Charles on the bed. Charles stared at Nathan, dumbfounded. After a couple seconds, Nathan gave him a look.
“What?”
“I. I just didn’t expect you to. Well. Talk to me.”
“What made you think that?”
“Nathan, you aren’t exactly the most. Hospitable.”
“Fuck you I’m so hospitable.”
Charles rolled his eyes, and in response Nathan poked him on the bridge of his nose, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m brooding remember?”
“Right, right.”
At least he admits it. Charles folds his hands over his lap, looking patiently at Nathan.
“The floor is yours.”
Nathan let out a sigh. His fingers tapped against his knees, trying to collect his thoughts. He stared at Charles and then stared at the ground.
“I. I’ve been feeling ill lately.”
“How so?”
“Every morning I wake up and. I just don’t feel like leaving my bed. And it’s not me being some lazy fat fuck, I just. Don’t want to like do shit because I feel miserable.”
Nathan then clenched his fists.
“And when I do, I care barely do anything. And I feel like shit because of it! I’ll try writing something down, and then I’ll think it’s trash. And when I start over, I’ll think I’m a failure for doing it and-UGH!”
Nathan brings his fists down on the bed, jostling it.
“I can’t do anything! My stupid fucking brain just keeps getting in the way!”
So that was the problem. Nathan had depression. Charles was no stranger to depression,
“When did it start?”
Charles had only been back for about two weeks, but he had the sneaking suspicion this started a little earlier. If Charles had to guess, he would say about-
“Nine months ago. You know. When you uh.”
Charles heard Nathan mumble the last part of his sentence.
“Died?”
Nathan looked shocked when he said that.
“Yeah when you…hamburger timed.”
“I see.”
The two sat in silence for a few moments. It came a shock to Charles that at least one band member was shaken up about his death. He knew the band cared that he, well, died. He assumed it was a concern for their personal wealth than his own well-being. But it seemed that Nathan cared. He cared for Charles, that when he died, he fell into a depression. This was his fault. The last he wanted to happen, happened. He hurt his boys. He hurt a person he cared deeply about.
The least he could do in return was help. Try and fix his mess.
“Depression.”
“What?”
“What you’re describing there is depression.”
“Huh.”
“You should go see a therapist, I have one too. They could also give you some medication to help. It might help you feel better.”
Nathan turned his head to stare at Charles. The piercing gaze from earlier was gone and replaced with a softer, more vulnerable gaze.
“You.”
Charles nodded.
“Contrary to popular belief, I have feelings.”
“No, I know, it’s just. You’d do that for me?”
Charles never heard Nathan sound like this before. Nathan was always loud, brash, and sarcastic. It was part of his charm (and the source of some of Charles’ migraines). To hear him sound so weak and vulnerable, broke Charles’ heart. He must’ve been so lonely those nine months, no one to talk to and probably afraid to tell his bandmates out of fear of ridicule. Charles wished he came back sooner. This was his fault. In comfort, Charles placed his hand over Nathan’s on the bed. Nathan’s gaze fell to them.
“Of course I would Nathan. I. I care about you.”
Charles squeezed Nathan’s hand. Nathan let out a small gasp.
“Oh.”
Charles hated himself. He shouldn’t have done that. He let his stupid feelings get in the way of his band again. He was hurting Nathan because he couldn’t keep himself in check. He should really keep up with this robot thing and stop cracking every time Nathan opens up to him.
“Thanks.”
Oh. That was unexpected.
“Anytime Nathan.”
“No really. Thanks for listening. You know how hard it is for me.”
Nathan slipped his hand away from Charles. Charles stopped himself from trying to grab Nathan’s hand again.
“I’ll. Try the therapy thing. Don’t know how well it’ll do with my whole uh. Talking issue.”
“Take it one step at a time Nathan. Don’t rush it.”
Nathan smiled again. If Charles had a heart, he was sure it’s beat would be pounding in his ears.
“You’re smart Charles, I would’ve never thought to go to therapy. Probably just mope around all day.”
“Well that is what I’m here for. And, wow no robot remark? I’m proud of you.”
“Well. I feel like shit. So, don’t expect it often okay?”
“Okay.”
The two laughed, until Nathan stopped abruptly. He then looked down at his stomach, then back at Charles.
“You might wanna leave.”
“Why?”
“I think I’m gonna puke my guts out.”
“Feelings or alcohol?”
“Yeah.”
Nathan then got up from the bed and sprinted to his personal bathroom. There was a beat of silence before Charles heard a violent retching noise. Yeah, he should probably let him deal with that on his own.
After his discussion with Nathan he made his way to his office to tackle today’s workload. He stopped by the living room to check on the boys to see if they set something on fire or set themselves on fire. After a quick peek, it seemed the boys were busy racing stock cars in the living room. At least this activity wasn’t dangerous yet. He called over a Klokateer, number 767, to watch over the four while he worked. Charles made his way to his office uninterrupted. He settled into his seat and started the stack of paperwork that needed to be done today. That lasted about a good hour until someone barged into his office. Charles had a good idea on who it was.
“Nathan. What have I told you about knocking?”
“Shut up, I’m your boss.”
At least he was feeling better.
“Well. Boss. As you can see I’m very busy managing your b-“
“I have a plan.”
Now that got Charles’ attention.
“A plan?”
Usually a Dethklok schemed plan never went as intended. Most plans ended in disaster, and nine times out of ten that meant someone dying horribly and clean up was always a bitch. Nathan sat down in one of the chairs in front of Charles’ desk, and continued speaking.
“Yes. And don’t make that face, this shit is going to be brutal.”
Charles sighed and stopped doing filling out the paperwork that once preoccupied his attention.
“Let me hear it.”
Nathan smiled.
“We’re going to hang.”
“Hang?”
“Yes. Hang. You know what that means right?”
“I’m aware,” Charles moved the paperwork he was working on to the top of the unfinished pile, “May I, ah, ask why the sudden invitation?”
Nathan sighed.
“You know about the whole depression thing, right?”
“Did you already schedule a therapy session?”
“No. Not yet.”
Nathan shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“I just wanna take my mind off it? Like why the fuck should I be miserable?”
He pointed at himself aggressively.
“I’ve been doing fucking nothing for two weeks! I’ve been holed up in my room being a sorry sack of shit, so I’m going to do something about it!”
“Hence the urge to hang with me.”
“You got it!”
“Do I, uh, have to get sloppy?”
Whenever he hung out with Dethklok, he would end up getting drunk. Probably a side effect of their alcoholic tendencies. With Nathan’s own feelings eating away at him, he hoped for Nathan and his sake they didn’t. Charles was very good at keeping his feelings under wraps, but while drunk, it would be a little harder to keep affections at bay. God forbid if he played with his hair again.
“Nah, this is supposed to like healing. So, no alcohol.”
“For now.”
“For now.”
Charles went to move something on his desk, while Nathan went to fumble with his hands. He seemed to be thinking about something. Charles was about to ask what was wrong when Nathan surprised him with his words.
“And well. I like talking with you.”
Charles froze when he heard that.
“You. You like talking with me?”
“Yeah. You tell me what’s wrong and don’t treat me like an idiot.”
Charles swore he could hear the fluttering of a heart that he knew wasn’t there.
“Thank you, Nathan.”
“No problem, besides the guys. Well they’re nice but, they’re not best with this, uh, gay shit.”
“Well that’s a massive understatement.”
Nathan smiled at that.
“Besides, you need to get out more. All you do is sit in here, and that sounds lame.”
“That’s called work Nathan.”
“What do you do that’s so important that you can’t just hang with me?”
“Manage your band?”
Nathan rolled his eyes. Then, he stared at the stack of paperwork on Charles’ desk and cringed.
“Is that what uh, that’s all for?”
“Yes Nathan.”
“Do you have to do that every day?”
“Yes Nathan.”
“Brutal.”
“Very brutal indeed.”
Nathan got up the chair and stretched, his back popping in several places.
“Meet me where my car is, at around, uh eight?”
“Sounds great.”
“I have an idea where we can go, I’ll get us some dinner along the way.”
This.
This sounded like a date. Nathan waved goodbye as he left Charles’ office, leaving Charles to finish the paperwork before eight.
But. He couldn’t yet. He was filled with nerves. Nathan was trying to hang out with him, and he was projecting his feelings onto Nathan. Focus Offdensen. Keep your eyes on the big picture. After a couple of self-slaps to the face, he went back to his paperwork, trying to crush the butterflies in his stomach.
Charles was early. It was probably his nerves that made him so early, but nevertheless he sped through the rest of his work load and made his way to the place Nathan asked him to be. Instead of his normal suit, he threw on the only casual clothes he had (a black t-shirt and matching black pants). He checked in on the boys again. They were still playing with the stock cars, but this time they had made a mess of the living room. Apparently, they were customizing them for different tracks. They were really invested in this, at the looks of it. No fires though, so it’s a good hobby in Charles’ book. He told the Klokateer watching them that he would be out with Nathan, and to call if there was trouble. Charles paced near Nathan’s car, trying to calm himself down. Time passed on, and Charles didn’t even realize that it quickly became eight.
“Wow you got here early.”
Charles jumped at the sound of Nathan’s voice. He was wearing what he usually wore, but he was wearing a blue jacket.
“I, uh, got off work early.”
“So, you just came here?”
“I really don’t have any other options Nathan.”
“What about the guys in the living room? They’re doing uh-what are they doing?”
“Racing little stock cars, I think.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Nathan stamped his foot in anger.
“I told them Pocket Circuit was brutal, and they laughed at me! Who’s laughing now! Me,” Nathan hit the roof of his car, “Who the fuck had this idea.”
“Toki-Nathan what are you- “
“I’m returning that snow globe I got for him. I’ve never felt more betrayed in my life!”
“I’m sure they would’ve love to uh, play with you?”
“I’m sure they would those backstabbing fuckers!”
Maybe it was Charles’ nerves pushing him to his breaking point, or Nathan getting unreasonably mad over something for children, but Charles burst into a fit of laughter. It startled Nathan at first, probably not used to hearing him laugh.
“What’s so funny?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just.”
He cut himself with another fit of giggles. Nathan smiled, and started laughing along with Charles. It was a really pretty laugh. A few seconds passed before Nathan puts his hand on Charles’ shoulder. Charles freezes, and feels his face heat up.
“Alright, no more laughing let’s go.”
“Right.”
Damn those hands felt nice. The two got into the car and started their ride out of Mordhaus. They finally spoke again when they were on the road.
“You look nice by the way.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
“Come to think of it, do you have any other clothes that aren’t suits?”
“Of course, I do.”
“Yeah right.”
“You said something Nathan?”
“Nope. You’re hearing shit.”
Nathan turned on the radio. The song on the radio was some metal song that Charles maybe understood half the words to. Despite being the manager to the largest death metal band in the world, Charles did not care one bit for genre. As far as Charles is concerned, the only metal band he had to care about was Dethklok. There was also some weird rhythmic tapping in the song, which was pretty distracting. Half way through the song, Charles realized the tapping was coming from inside the car. He was going to ask Nathan if he heard that noise when he saw what Nathan was doing. The tapping noise was Nathan. He was tapping his steering wheel with his fingers along to the beat of the song. It was adorable.
Ding!
Charles was broken out of his trance by his phone going off. It was a text from the Klokateer overseeing the band. 767 had apparently been dragged along to go drinking after Pickles won the car race they did. Charles sent a text back telling him to let him know if anything bad happen, which was most likely to occur if it was a Dethklok drinking binge. Before he could text anything else, Nathan had stopped at a red light at some point, and used that opportunity to grab Charles’ phone
“Hey. This is supposed to be hanging out. No work.”
“Just checking in on them. You boys are tricky to handle sometimes.”
“Pfft. We’re well behaved. Sometimes.”
“I have yet to see it Nathan.”
Before Nathan has time to curse him out, the light turns green, and the car starts to move again, with Nathan throwing the phone into Charles’ lap. The song changes again. The song on the radio changes to one Charles is familiar is with. It’s a song from the 80s which Charles vaguely remembers from college. It’s a Japanese song, that’s about dancing and partying on a Friday Night (which was ironically the name of the song). Nathan was about to switch stations when Charles stopped him.
“I like this. Don’t change it.”
“Really? You like this shit?”
“Yes. I liked it back in the eighties.”
Nathan looks at Charles, back at the radio, and then back at Charles. His face turns red before he starts cracking up.
“What’s so funny?”
“Well like. I’m imagining you with like the big hair Pickles had back then. It does not suit you at all.”
Charles was silent. Nathan started to laugh harder.
“Oh my god, no fucking way.”
“It was. A very different time.”
“I’d pay all the money in the world to see that shit.”
“Oh god no. I was embarrassing.”
“I’ll bet.”
Charles hits him and Nathan laughs harder.
“Ha ha. Where are we going.”
Nathan smiles as he turns the corner. Charles sees golden arches and already knows what Nathan has decided.
“Only to the finest eateries I know.”
“McDonalds.”
“Yes. Fuck yes.”
Nathan pulls into the drive thru. There’s only one car in front of them.
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know what they have.”
“What do you-have you never been to Mickey D’s? Are you even real dude?”
“Well excuse me if some of us don’t like to shovel junk down our throats.”
“That’s it. I’m getting you a Happy Meal.”
The car in front of them pulls up, and Nathan barks out his order to the screen. Nathan’s order is long, and Charles’ order is pitifully short. After ordering, Nathan pulls up to pay.
“They didn’t have any boy toys so, hope you like Hello Kitty.”
“She’s fine thank you.”
Nathan rolls up to the next window. He put the Happy Meal in Charles’ lap and put his own meal in his. He puts the drinks in the cupholders and drives off.
“I got you a milk, since you don’t know the joys of sugar.”
“Thank you for the consideration. Also, where are we going? You haven’t really told me.”
“You’ll see.”
The song on the radio is now a quiet jazz. This radio station has some great timing. Nathan takes a couple of turns and soon the two are on an open road away from the city. The ride is quiet, and Charles feels restless. Where were they going? Charles zones out and thinks
“We’re here.”
Nathan’s car is parked near a forest, and beyond the trees, Charles can vaguely make out a park. There’s also a pile of rocks near the edge of the forest, which is probably the place Nathan was talking about. Nathan unbuckles and opens the trunk.
“Wait here. Gotta get the blanket.”
Nathan leaves the car and retrieves the blanket and lays it near the rocks. Charles joins Nathan outside, bringing the food out with him.
“I’m surprised you know a quiet place like this.”
Nathan shrugs.
“It’s quiet out here, perfect place to hang. I come here when I wanna get away from those assholes.”
Nathan rests against one of the rocks and sighs. Charles takes his place next to him, setting down their dinners as well.
“It is peaceful out here.”
Nathan hums and rummages through his bag and pulls out one of his burgers. Charles opens his meal, and sees what Nathan got him. There’s a box of chicken nuggets (Nathan was generous enough to give him the six-piece meal at least), some apple slices which would probably be the only edible thing in this meal, soggy fries that were strewn all over the box, and a Hello Kitty toy was shoved at the bottom. Charles pulls out a fry and it goes limp in his grip. He frowns.
“These fries look depressing.”
“Guess they should call it an unhappy meal huh?”
“Hm.”
“Hey fuck you that was funny.”
“I’m sure.”
While Nathan was distracted, Charles reached his hand into Nathan’s bag and took one fry. It’s the least he could do, right?
“Hey. Asshole. Don’t touch my food.”
“You got me a kid’s meal Nathan. I deserve at least one fry.”
Charles goes for another one and Nathan stops him by grabbing his hand before it enters the bag. Nathan squeezes his hand, and then shivers.
“Jesus your hands are cold.”
“I know, please let me go.”
“Why didn’t you wear a coat? Aren’t you supposed to be the responsible one?”
“I.”
I’m always cold and I’ll probably never be warm again.
“I wasn’t cold when we left.”
Charles wrestled his hand from Nathan’s grip and went back to his meal. He was starting to dig into his nuggets when a jacket was placed on Charles’ shoulders.
“Nathan?”
Nathan looked over at him, and blushed.
“Well. You feel cold. Didn’t want my manager to die again.”
“I won’t die of a little cold Nathan.”
“You don’t know that.”
Charles wanted to tell him that he’s been cold for nine months. An endless, inescapable cold. Just for Dethklok. Just for him. This would all make sense to him, and all of them sooner or later. He just needed more time. Nathan had already turned back to his food, sulking.
“Thank you for jacket.”
He also wouldn’t tell Nathan that he really didn’t need it. He wouldn’t really be warm again, but again he couldn’t tell him that. Nathan nodded in acknowledgement and continued to eat. With that conversation dead, Charles began to eat. The two grew closer as they ate in silence. Nathan shifted over on blanket, his shoulder brushing against Charles. Charles met his movements with his own shoulder brushing against Nathan’s. After Charles had finished eating, he fished his toy out and placed his box aside. He then leaned against Nathan as he finished the last of his fries. A faint smile crossed Nathan’s face.
It was disgustingly intimate.
“Thank you for dinner.”
“No problem.”
Nathan crumpled his bag and threw it in the Happy Meal box. Then he looked down at they toy in Charles’ hands.
“Who’d you get?”
“Hello Kitty herself.”
“Nice.”
The two fall back into silence, and Charles looks up at the stars. It’s hard to see the stars back at the Haus due to the toxic smog they pump into the air on an hourly basis. Looking up at the stars put his mind at rest, for once. Nathan was humming, probably a new song he was working on, and it all just put Charles at ease. No Dethklok, no meetings, no secret military project, no rabid fans, just him and Nathan under the stars.
He was almost tempted to kiss Nathan right there.
Almost.
Charles almost started to fall asleep, the first time he’s been relaxed in a while when a gruff voice stopped him.
“Hey.”
Charles feels Nathan pull away, and Charles has to balance himself, so his head doesn’t fall on the ground.
“I know I said this was to get away from feeling shit but.” Nathan pauses and looks Charles directly in the eyes, before looking away towards the ground. “Can we talk about something?”
“Sure.”
Nathan doesn’t say anything at first, more interested in the ground then staring Charles in eye. He
“Nathan?”
“Tell me something.”
“Tell you what?”
“Where were you those nine months?”
“I. I can’t tell you.”
“Fuck you!”
“You wouldn’t understand Nathan.”
“What happened to not bottling shit up huh?”
“This is different Nathan.”
“Try me.”
Nathan crossed his arms and gave Charles the same dad stare he received earlier at the Haus. Charles swallowed the lump in throat and spoke, voice quivering.
“It’s. Complicated.”
“What could be more complicated than you coming back from the dead?”
“It just is. Let it go Nathan.”
“You cared for me Charles. What about y- “
“Bullshit.”
Bottling up all those emotions for years was not healthy. Charles knew that. It was something he was told not do by his therapist. Eventually, at some point in time, he was going to break.
And that time was now.
“Why would you even care about me to begin with?”
“What makes you say that?”
“You’ve never cared! You never did! You treated me like shit until I left! Until you needed me again! Why should I think you care?”
“Why didn’t you tell us? Tell me?”
“Why should I? You wouldn’t care.”
“I would if you told me!”
Nathan took hold of Charles. He gripped his shoulder tightly and forced Charles to look at him.
“Listen. I don’t care what’s going on your head. But I know that I was worried. I was worried!”
Nathan’s grip on Charles’ shoulders tightened.
“You were gone. I saw you die. I-I-I could’ve saved you.”
That’s right. When Charles was attacked by that masked assailant, Nathan had hit him over the head with a burning piece of Mordhaus. Nathan had called him his bread and butter. It would’ve made Charles swoon if he wasn’t occupied with clinging to life after being brutally beaten. He remembers clinging to Nathan’s chest as he was rushed to medical assistance. Nathan was in a panicked state forcing the Kloakteers reviving him to work harder. Charles remembered the last thing Nathan said before he blacked out.
If I was here quicker…
If he was there quicker Nathan would’ve gotten hurt and Charles would hate himself if Nathan gotten hurt because of his negligence.
“I don’t want to lose you again.”
“You won’t- “
“How am I supposed to trust that if you won’t tell me anything?”
Nathan’s eyes were watery. He was beginning to cry.
“You keep talking like you’re something disposable. You’re fucking not. You matter to me. Without you, I felt like shit. Now that you’re back, and you won’t fucking talk to us, I don’t know what to do!”
“I.”
“I was depressed Charles. I told you that. You’re smart, fucking. Put it together!”
Nathan was crying now. He moved his hands from Charles’ shoulders to place his tear streaked face in them.
“I’m sorry that you couldn’t tell me. I. I wish I was a better person for you.”
Charles was stunned. Physically and emotionally. Nathan cared for him. He brought him out on a date to see the stars and ate with him. He trusted Charles enough to do this with him. Nathan wanted to talk with him and let be vulnerable around Charles. Nathan was distraught over his death and worried himself to the point of depression about where he was.
It was obvious now that Nathan liked Charles back.
But it all made sense didn’t it? Nathan is a closed off person, so he wouldn’t normally talk about feelings so openly. Especially with the man he’s called a robot before Dethklok became the powerhouse it is today. So why would he do all this for him? Why would he act so relaxed around Charles? Why?
Unless.
God he was a fucking idiot.
“Nathan.”
Nathan looked up. It broke Charles to see him this sad.
“Please don’t cry.”
His voice wavered. He wasn’t even sure he could cry anymore, but he vaguely feel himself tear up. Nathan shifted closer to Charles, their knees touching. He then took Charles’s face in his hands. Nathan was rubbing at his cheek, and after a short while Nathan let out a gasp. Charles saw the makeup he applies to his face every morning on Nathan’s thumb. He knew what Nathan was looking at.
His scar.
“You got this. Trying to protect us.”
“It was my job N- “
“I don’t care!”
Nathan brought Charles in for a hug. Nathan was dry heaving into his shoulder.
“Don’t you fucking get it? I. I. Ugghh.”
Nathan’s body wiggled weirdly under Charles hold. Probably the response to showing more emotions than usual. If Nathan was having weird spasms because he was experiencing emotions, Charles was going through that tenfold. He was experiencing too much at once.
And the worst thing was he did get it. He got exactly what Nathan was going through. He’s been going through it for years.
“Just let me in Charles please. Please let me help.”
He finally realized he had to take his own advice for once.
“Nathan. Look at me.”
Nathan pulled himself off Charles’ shoulder. His face was blotched and swollen from crying. It was now or never. Charles took a deep breath, and then exhaled. And then he said it.
“I love you.”
“You.”
“Yes.”
Nathan blinked and leaned in closer.
“How long?”
“That doesn’t matter right now.”
It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how long Charles was waiting. All those years of doubt and fear, because right now, in this moment, it was all worth it to feel Nathan press his lips against his. Charles started to kiss back, lips brushing delicately against one another, and despite the awkwardness and trepidation of it felt perfect. It made him feel complete. Nathan pulled away and Charles almost went back for another kiss.
Almost.
“That. Felt nice.”
Charles nodded.
He really wanted to do that again. Like now. Nathan seemed to have read his mind when he leaned in for another one. This time Nathan’s hand went to the back of Charles’ head and pulled him closer-oh. That felt even better. Nathan was really getting into it. There was still unease behind the kiss but as soon as Charles’ tongue traced Nathan’s bottom lip, Nathan kissed him deeper. Charles pulled on Nathan’s shoulders, bringing him even closer, and effectively pushing Nathan’s tongue into Charles’ mouth. Their tongues moved against each other until they had to move apart to breathe.
Uh.
Wow.
Charles doesn’t want to be cliché but, that felt life changing. That one kiss was the culmination of years of his own self-doubt and his own withdrawal. He finally felt complete, and he’s sure Nathan felt the same.
“I think that was, uh. Pretty brutal.”
“That’s one way to describe it.”
Ding!
A text message brought Charles attention away from Nathan to his phone.
“Ah. It seems the boys have uh. Caused a fire.”
“Where.”
“That bar you always go to. To get sloppy.”
“Again?”
“Ag-You know what. I do not want to know don’t tell me.”
“I mean it’s a pretty cool story.”
“I do not want to know.”
Nathan stands up and groans as he stretches his back out. He put his hand out to help Charles off the ground, which Charles takes, pulling himself up and now holding Nathan’s hand.
“Well, we should get going right? Show off my boyfriend to the band-“
Nathan pauses and squeezes Charles’ hand.
“Can I call you that?”
The very rational, robotic part of his brain said it was strictly unprofessional to be in a relationship with his boss. He was pretty sure it breached, maybe several parts of his contract. However, at this point, he really wanted to hear Nathan say boyfriend again.
“Yes.”
“Hell yeah. You’re my boyfriend.”
“That I am.”
Another squeeze. Charles squeezes his hand back and Nathan gives a faint smile.
“Let’s uh clean up.”
“Right.”
The two gathered the blanket and their trash and brought it to the car. When they finish and sit in the car, Charles realized he was still wearing Nathan’s jacket.
“Oh, your jacket. Do you-“
“You can keep it if you uh want.”
“I don’t think I want to. It has your snot on it.”
“Hey.”
“Kidding.”
Nathan starts the car and they start the drive back to Haus. Nathan grabs Charles’ hand again and squeezes it.
“I love you.”
“I love you too Nathan.”
Charles settles in his seat and feels like drifting off. He’s tired. Well, that’s not true. He feels more relaxed than tired. He has a boyfriend now. He has someone who cares about him, someone who will be there for him, and someone that will burden the pain when he can’t. It’ll take some getting used to, but he’s sure that it’s all worth it. And yes, at some point, he’ll have to start worrying about protecting his boys and boyfriend, but baby steps. Right now, he’s at ease with the events of tonight. He can finally rest.
For the first time in nine months he felt warm.