Work Text:
Staring up at the sky makes Johnny realise how pretty the golden hour is. The beach is surprisingly empty, allowing him to take in the picturesque view. He puts down his camera and looks around slowly, eyes following the waves washing over the shore, a few children squatting on the sand, mindlessly drawing on the surface and a few couples standing here and there, until his gaze stops at the man several feet away from him.
Taeil has his arms wide open facing the sea, denim jeans rolled up above his ankles, basking under the warm evening glow like a cat under the sunbeam. Johnny smiles, holding up his Leica SL2 to his face once again and aims the lens towards the elder. He clicks the shutter and it goes off fast, capturing almost ten pictures in one go. He filters through the photos and deletes unwanted ones, albeit it being hard to do so before the warning pops up saying that his SD card is running out of storage.
The sky is a swirl of orange and yellow, pink hues blending together beautifully as the sun slowly sets. Johnny lowers his camera and stares at Taeil, who fits just right among the splendid view, as if he belongs there, at the very beauty of the dusk. Johnny looks down at his sandy Vans. They have one more day left here before their holiday ends. Yuta emailed him his roster for his shift at the hospital, anticipating his return because the ER is awfully dull and boring without the usual crew. Johnny reaches for his phone in his pocket and skims through the document, noticing how he needs a new time management schedule for the new routine. He sees the date on the screen and is reminded of the sole purpose of him taking a week long leave.
A soft touch on his shoulder breaks him away from his deep thoughts. He stares at Taeil, who stares back at him in return, head tilted to the side in confusion, deep brown eyes looking at his and god, do they look absolutely mesmerising when they shine under the golden sun. Both of them are standing at a close proximity that Johnny can see the subtle glow of the bronze eyeshadow on Taeil’s lids, specks of glitter twinkling where the sun hits. A faded vertical scar from his childhood on his left cheek catches Johnny’s attention, one that he has always been fond of. He fixes his posture and stands straight, the streetlamps lighting up one by one on the sidewalk.
“Let’s breakup, Taeil hyung.”
The silence that follows afterwards is deafening, the wave crashes against the shore. The ocean breeze blows gently, messing up their styled hairs, the streetlight above them flickers.
“We’re not breaking up.” Taeil says, oddly calm despite the shocking confession from the younger man. His gaze hardens, and Johnny feels hopeless.
“You don’t love me anymore, hyung. There’s no reason for you to keep me around.” Johnny inhales shakily, keeping the tears at bay, “There’s no room for me in your heart. You might as well let me go.”
He pauses, before continuing. “For better.”
This time, the tears did fall, like crystals sparkling under the light from the lamppost and it suddenly feels suffocating. It burns from within, his mind racing, heartbeat beating erratically.
Isn’t this what you wanted, to be set free?
It takes Taeil a while to respond. He looks pensive, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth and after a few seconds, he turns to look at Johnny. His expressions are unreadable, and that is what frustrates Johnny the most.
You never let me in.
“It’s hard for me to let you go.” Taeil begins, stepping closer to the taller and Johnny tries to keep still, to prevent himself from sinking to his knees and cry. Taeil cups his cheeks gently, with so much love and warmth that it actually stings, “I still love you, so much.”
“No hyung you can’t say that.” Johnny shakes his head in disbelief, squirming away from the elder’s touch but Taeil’s grip is strong, as if to prove his point and there is no escaping it. “You can’t say that so easily, when you’ve long abandoned my feelings. It’s unfair.” Johnny tries to sound firm but he knows how bad his voice trembles, he is always so weak.
So weak for Moon Taeil, so hopelessly in love, so laughably blinded.
Taeil pulls Johnny down and presses a gentle kiss on his plump lips, now wet with tears and then he moves to his nose, his right cheek before enveloping the younger into a hug. Johnny gives in, of course he does, and he clutches onto Taeil’s leather jacket with all his might, sobbing his heart out.
“Let me go hyung, it hurts too much.” He wails and Taeil shushes him with more kisses, coaxing his cries into muted sniffs.
”I know I’m not the best at pretending. You can probably see even the littlest change in the way I act.” Taeil says, stroking Johnny’s hair lovingly, “I don’t really wear my heart out on my sleeve and that is just who I am. I do feel guilty about it, for making you feel unwanted and distant.”
He cradles Johnny’s face in his small, warm palms, looking into the younger’s eyes, glossy with tears and deep down, Taeil feels the dull ache simmering at the pit of his stomach. “These four years we have spent together are incredibly precious to me. I may have a change of heart in the middle of it, but I can never deny that you were, and is still one of the greatest joys in my life.” More tears fall down Johnny’s face, wetting his reddening cheeks, “I loved you, as a lover. I still do love you, but it’s a little different now.”
Johnny seems to not be able to stop crying because the more he holds back, the more he cries like a broken dam.
Taeil is a warm person, very gentle. From the way he loves a person to the way he lets them go.
“Can you kiss me one last time, hyung?” Johnny asks after a while, dabbing the sleeve of his sweater at the corner of his eyes and Taeil smiles, kind and understanding, and it pains him from within. When they kiss, Johnny tries his very best not to be a fool and cry again. He settles his hands on the elder’s slim waist, fingers toying with the belt hoop on the jeans as an attempt to ground himself. It feels like his heart is being ripped and shredded but he focuses on nothing but Taeil’s warmth and how soft his lips are, knowing that he would not have the privilege to have this again.
They pull away after a while, streetlight illuminating their faces and Taeil hugs him tight. “Thank you for everything, Johnny. I’ll cherish these four years in my heart, I will hold on to it dearly.”
Monday comes and Johnny is back in his navy blue scrubs. The familiar smell of disinfectant provides some sort of respite to his current state of mind. He squeezes two pumps of hand sanitizer on his palms, smothering it thoroughly, and Yuta comes in with two cups of coffee and a Tupperware of brownies.
“Kun told me to share this with you. Emotional support, he said.” Johnny scrunches up his nose in distaste. The entire crew seems to know about his pathetic love story. Yuta is already opening the container and shares the brownies with the ladies working at the reception. He recalls the conversation they had last night, when Yuta came over in less than ten minutes after being summoned with a bag full of junk food.
“I wonder what I did wrong, was it really my fault though? Relationships supposed to work both ways, right, Yuta?” Johnny asked from where he was laying on the couch, nibbling on the chopsticks he used for eating hot Cheetos. The tips tinged fiery red, visible even in the minimal lighting of the tall IKEA lamp in his living room. Like the wound in my heart, Johnny told himself and he sank deeper into the plush couch, wishing for it to swallow him whole.
Yuta rolled his eyes and unwrapped his fifth onigiri for the night. Tuna mayo, not exactly his favourite but he shrugged, peeling off the plastic neatly. “Relationships work both ways, correct, but I think both of you were too busy with your respective duties. There are no breaks in hospitals you know?” Johnny hummed from the couch and Yuta continued after swallowing his bite. “I can practically count how many dates you guys had that are not in the cafeteria or coffee breaks in his office that lasted for like what, fifteen minutes, before he had to go and examine the ward.”
Johnny looked down at Yuta who was sitting on the floor in front him and he sat up straight, careful not to scatter his snacks on the carpet. “You are right. I never realised how limited our time was with each other. Maybe it’s because I was the one who kept on dragging him for lunch, I felt like we spent time together often.”
“He did say he had a change of heart in the middle of the relationship. Maybe it was during those gaps that he figured things couldn’t work out.” Yuta reasoned, folding his onigiri wrapper in half out of habit. “I’m pretty sure it hurt him just as much it hurt you when you finally pieced everything together, but he probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Which is kinda ironic to me because at some point you knew he fell out of love, and he pretended nothing was wrong. You pretended he was still the same Taeil who had loved you since undergrad years.”
Silence. The muted whirr of the air conditioner sounded loud in the room.
Yuta turned to his friend with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, that came out harsh.” He reached out and linked his fingers together with Johnny’s long ones, “I hope you don’t spiral into some pity excuse of self-hatred and blame yourself for everything. It’s his fault too, for not being honest and yours for being too forgiving.”
Johnny nodded weakly, and he did not know when he started crying but the wet patch on his clothed thigh proved so. Yuta rose to his feet and slotted himself next to Johnny, hugging him tight like a best friend would. “You got the closure you needed and from here on, it’s all about moving on and healing.” Johnny cried harder at that because the thought of not loving Taeil was excruciatingly painful to bear. Yuta cooed gently, letting his best friend wet his shirt just for the night. “Mark told me once that moving on doesn’t necessarily mean you have to erase a person from your life. You can still keep them deep down in the depths of your heart, like a trophy you know, a proof of what you’ve gone through to be happy. He belongs in the better portion of your life and he deserves to be remembered in a way. He made you the happiest at one point, nothing or no one can take that away from you.”
Johnny pulled away with a wet chuckle, snatching a tissue from the coffee table to wipe his runny nose. “God, you’re annoyingly poetic. Mark did that to you, huh?”
“I like his brain, it’s big. Intelligence is the new sexy.”
Johnny threw the used pieced of tissue at him in disgust. “Might as well just take him out on a date, for crying out loud. It’s sickening to see you being all over him whenever he comes to visit the ER.”
“Nah, too easy.” Yuta grinned, twirling a strand of his silky smooth hair around his index finger. “I told him to pass his final exams with honours, then I’ll agree to go on a date with him.”
“You know he will be in the honours list nonetheless, right? He did that for every semester, that condition is kinda useless.”
“I know, I just love the determined look in his face. So humble, as if he didn’t know he’ll make the ranking his bitch and reign on top as always.”
“Okay, gross.” Johnny groaned and started gathering the plastic wrappers on the coffee table much to Yuta’s dismay, insisting to fold the trash neatly to save space in the recycling bin and Johnny indulged him for once. He looked at Yuta’s fingers, adorned in pretty silver rings, recognising one from a previous relationship that ended sourly. Maybe he will take it off once Mark is officially his, Johnny was not quite sure. That’s a question for another day.
“Thank you, Yuta. You’re a lifesaver, you know that.” Yuta looked up from folding plastic wrappers and smiled wide, brushing it off with a loud laugh that rang pleasantly in Johnny’s ears.
“You’re welcome, Johnny.” The last bit came out soft, barely audible. “You deserve to be happy too.”
Johnny shakes his head at the memory and reaches out for a file when he sees Taeil entering the building, handsome in suit and tie, heading towards the clinical psychology department with a new intern walking alongside him. Their eyes meet for a moment and Johnny offered a small smile which the elder returned. His smile is warm as always, eyes crinkling at the corners, age softening him up more than it did to Johnny and the burn is back in instant. Yuta sees the way Johnny looks at the elder with something akin to longing in his eyes, and he offers a side hug, silently supporting his best friend.
“Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean you have to erase a person from your life.”
“He belongs in the better portion of your life and he deserves to be remembered in a way.”
“He made you the happiest at one point.”
The words from last night’s heart to heart talk ring in his conscious mind, a constant reminder in the form of a wise Yuta cuddling him in his meltdown. He decides to move forward. For himself, and maybe, just maybe, for Taeil’s peace of mind.
The red siren blares in the ER and Johnny is back to work.