Chapter Text
Samatoki doesn’t like the idea of being an older brother.
At the young age of five, he really doesn’t like the idea. His mother breaks the news and he can’t help but ask why? Why did it have to be him, why did it have to be his family? Sure, he’d be less lonely, but the idea of having another person his father could possibly do horrible things to… It’s scary. Terrifying, really.
So the months go by and his feelings don’t change. His father starts to take things out on him more often than not, since he at least has the decency to leave his pregnant mother alone for now. Her frequent checkups would prove to be a problem if they constantly found bruises and cuts on her. Samatoki doesn’t mind. If this is the only way he can protect her along with his unborn sister, then so be it.
During her fifth month of pregnancy he joins her at a shrine to pray for a safe and healthy childbirth. His mother holds his hand and they wash up at the temizuya. They head to the entrance and put their change in the box. Bow twice. Clap hands twice. Pray. Take a few moments of silence. Samatoki doesn’t really know what he’s doing. A safe delivery seems too normal to pray for. So he prays for protection beyond that. He wants his mother and soon-to-be sister to always be safe. He prays for the strength to be able to protect them, too.
It still hasn’t sunk in that they’ll have a new addition to the family soon.
“Nemu,” His mother says. “That’s her name."
“Nemu,” He repeats. “Sounds nice.” Samatoki is six now. He doesn’t know a lot of kanji yet aside from his name, but he does his best to memorize hers. It means ‘silk tree.’
His sorry excuse of a father isn’t there for her birth, of course. What did he expect? He sits patiently in the waiting room, unable to describe the feeling in his chest. A nurse comes out and calls for him to come in. It’s time to meet her.
Samatoki doesn’t like the idea of being an older brother.
Until he first lays eyes on her, swaddled up in a blanket and snuggled up to his mother’s chest. She’s sleeping peacefully. Long eyelashes and a head of silvery hair, just like him. He can only guess that they have the same eye color, too.
“Do you want to hold her?” His mother asks with a smile. Samatoki greets her gaze with an eager nod.
He’s worried he’ll drop her, the fragile thing. But his mother ruffles his hair affectionately, still holding Nemu in her other arm. She hands her over gently.
Samatoki mimics the way he saw his mother holding her. Both arms supporting her body and one hand supporting her head and neck. He really doesn’t want her to wake up. He doesn’t know what to do if she starts crying. Does that mean she doesn’t like him? And never will?
But she doesn’t wake up. She stirs a bit and Samatoki’s heart swells with affection. In that moment he knows he would do anything for her. He would do absolutely anything for his baby sister. Nemu.
For the first time, Samatoki might like the idea of being an older brother.
When it’s time for her to come home, he feels like his life has changed. Whether it’s a good or bad change is something he’ll have to figure out later.
The first time his father holds her, he feels awful. The look in his eyes is something Samatoki isn’t used to seeing at all. It doesn’t suit his father’s face. He doesn’t want to know what he’s thinking. He looks away.
Nemu has quickly gone from an admittedly kind of useless-- but still adorable, thing, to being more active. She smiles her toothless smile at Samatoki whenever he approaches. It makes his heart feel warm, the same way it felt the first time he held her back at the hospital. And every time she smiles at him, the feeling grows.
He loves seeing his mother interact with her. They spend a lot of time together, of course. And for the first time in a long time, she seems genuinely happy. Samatoki wishes she could always be this happy.
Nemu eats more solid food now and she’s more vocal. She grabs things and puts them in her mouth. Samatoki tries extra hard to make sure there are never any glass shards or other debris from thrown objects on the floor.
Nemu can sit up now. She’s in one of those… cradle things sitting upright. Samatoki hadn’t bothered to ask his mom what it was actually called. It’s funny thinking about how she used to be unable to balance because of her head. He looks into her matching scarlet eyes and reaches out. Nemu grabs his finger and holds onto it, smiling that bright smile at him.
The sound of a dish breaking comes from the kitchen. Samatoki flinches.
“Honey, please don’t! The kids are still awake!”
“You think I care?” He snaps. Expletives pour out of his mouth to no end.
Samatoki’s expression sours and he turns back to his baby sister. Tears well up in her eyes and she starts to cry. He feels so small and so useless. He wishes he could just take her to a safe place forever, but he’s just a kid. Samatoki leans closer to Nemu and covers her ears.
Samatoki doesn’t like the idea of being an older brother.
“Sha…” Nemu mumbles. She’s slowly learning how to speak.
“Aww, you trying to say my name?” Samatoki coos at her. “Good girl.”
“Sha… sha….” She repeats. Nemu appears to be what Samatoki thinks is the most focused a 6-month old can be.
“Sa-ma-to-ki.” He enunciates each syllable clearly for her. “Samatoki.”
“Sha-ma.” Nemu speaks.
“Sa-ma-to-ki.” He repeats.
“Sa-ma…” She mumbles.
Samatoki grins. “Yeah! Good job!”
“Sama!” Nemu exclaims. She claps her hands together.
“Mom! Nemu’s learning to say my name!”
Samatoki decides he likes the idea of being an older brother.
“Toki-chan, will you go to the grocery store for me? I need a few things for curry tonight.” His mother asks.
“Of course, mom.”
She hands him a grocery list and a few bills. “Thank you. I’d do it myself, but…” She pulls her sleeve down to cover dark red and purple smattered across her skin.
Samatoki avoids eye contact with her as he pockets the list and money. “Yeah.”
It’s more acceptable for a ten-year-old to have visible cuts and bruises than a grown woman. His mother sticks a band-aid on his cheek to hide a cut and kisses the area after. She wishes him a safe trip as he walks out the door.
On the way to the store, Samatoki passes by kids around his age playing lacrosse. He takes a moment to look at them through the chain-link fence. It’s a rough physical sport and they crash into each other often. That sort of contact definitely leaves bruises. Despite that, they’re smiling and laughing.
Samatoki only wishes that sports were the cause of his injuries. Not from a deadbeat father with a drug addiction and drinking problem.
“Where are those damn brats? They should be asleep already!” Their father yells. His voice booms through the apartment.
Samatoki freezes up and tightens his arms around his sister. At three years old, Nemu clutches onto his shirt tightly.
He can’t possibly count the number of nights he’s held her like this as his father spouts verbal abuse at their mother. The loud noises every now and then don’t stop either. Samatoki flinches at them. Their mother is covered in cuts and bruises regularly once more. Since Nemu is older now, a once somewhat peaceful time of the Aohitsugi family’s life has ended.
“Sama-nii… I’m scared.” Nemu’s voice is small.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’ll be okay.” Samatoki whispers reassuringly. He brings a hand up to gently stroke her hair. “I’ll protect you. I promise.”
Later, Samatoki tosses around in an attempt to find a comfortable sleeping position. Unfortunately for him, his father landed a particularly nasty hit on his shoulder and a bruise presented itself. Bruises formed around his wrist, too. Luckily, after Samatoki stood up for his mother, he’d left her alone and retired to his room for the evening.
Familiar footsteps approach his door, followed by a feeble knock. The door opens anyway and light floods the room. Samatoki really just wants to sleep.
“Sama-nii, can I stay in your room tonight?” Nemu asks sheepishly. “I-I’m scared of papa.”
Samatoki gives a small noise of agreement and lifts up his comforter. Nemu carefully shuts the door behind her and crawls into bed with him. He makes sure to lay on his unbruised side as she curls up against his chest. He drapes an arm across her and closes his eyes, half-wishing that he wouldn’t have to wake up.
“Samatoki,” his mother speaks softly as she holds him in a hug. She pulls away and looks into his eyes. “You have to treasure those close to you, okay? Especially Nemu.”
“Okay.” Samatoki nods. “I will.”
His mother smiles and holds his cheeks in her hands. “Grow up big and strong so you can protect her.”
“Yes, mama.”
She presses a kiss to his forehead. “I know you will. You’re a good big brother.”
Samatoki doesn’t like being a big brother. He wishes things were better. Nemu doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve someone like him.
He’s nothing but a coward.
Run. Just run.
Samatoki watched their father hit Nemu so hard that she fainted. The sound of her body hitting the floor echoes in his mind.
Run. Get out. Anywhere.
And so he does. He wants to run as far away as he can and never come back, but he knows he has to. To make sure she’s okay.
He doesn’t stop until he gets to the bayside. The nighttime ocean breeze greets him as if it were an old friend.
The lights of Minato Mirai are blinding in comparison to his dull home life. It’s almost like they’re mocking him. Samatoki feels so useless for running. He didn’t think twice about it. He knows he’ll get the worst of it when he goes back home.
That is, if his dad hasn’t overdosed by then. When was that fucker going to drop dead? If there really was a god out there, he really hadn’t been kind to Samatoki in his short life.
Be careful what you wish for, says a tiny voice in his head. He pays no mind to it. Samatoki stares out across the bay at countless tiny lights, letting the salty sea breeze embrace him for a while longer before heading home.
The next week after school, Samatoki comes home to his father dead. His mother is covered in blood, knife still in her hand. There’s so much blood. Samatoki didn’t even know it was possible for the body to hold so much of it.
“Ah, Samatoki. Welcome home. I’m sorry you had to see this. Everything will be alright now, I promise.”
Samatoki cries, and cries, and cries. He cries in his mother’s arms. He doesn’t know why. Why did he have to waste his tears on his sorry excuse of a father? All he knows is that he feels tired. He wants to sleep.
At a young age, any other child would be distraught over the death of a parent. In the end, Samatoki was relieved. But the next step is how to explain such a thing to his little sister.
“Where’s papa…?” She asks, turning around in all sorts of directions to look for him.
“Nemu-chan,” Their mother speaks calmly. “Papa can’t be with us anymore.”
“Oh…” She pauses. “Then it’s just me, mama, and Toki-nii?”
She nods in response. “Yes, just the three of us.”
“Mmkay.” Nemu nods in understanding. Light returns to her eyes. Samatoki thinks she’s never looked happier until now. It’s something he wants to see more of, something he wants to protect.
Life without their father is wonderful. Samatoki realizes that this is how it was meant to be from the beginning. His mother smiles genuinely and he actually looks forward to coming home every day. She’s finally able to leave the house and do what she wants. His sister is happy, too. They play together peacefully. She styles his hair with all of the accessories she owns and they have tea parties. In the winter, Samatoki peels tangerines for her and they nap under the warmth of the kotatsu together.
That happiness is merely fleeting. Samatoki comes home to a dead parent once again. Hanging by a rope around her neck.
I just wanted to see her happy again.
Now she’s gone.
“I miss mama.” Nemu says, poking around her plate with chopsticks.
“I do too.” Samatoki stares down at his lap.
“...Sama-nii, did you eat yet?”
“Yeah, I did earlier.” A lie. He really doesn’t care if he has to go hungry, as long as she’s always fed.
“Okay.” Nemu hesitantly takes a bite of her food.
Samatoki stands up and ruffles his sister’s hair. “I’m gonna do some homework. Eat up so you can grow big and strong, okay?”
“Yeah!” The smile he gets in return is bright enough to outshine the sun.
Later, Nemu knocks on his door with onigiri she made with leftovers. After a slight protest, he gives in and accepts it.
Samatoki spends that night painfully lonely in his room. He feels like crying, but he tells himself he can’t. He has to be strong. For her. To honor their mother.
But there's one thing he swears he'll never do.
“That Aohitsugi… He always goes home right after class. Don’t you think he’s up to no good?” Samatoki’s homeroom teacher asks her colleague.
“Most kids stay for club activities at the very least. The look he usually has in his eyes is concerning.” He says. “It’s best to keep an eye on him.”
Samatoki stands at the gate of Nemu’s elementary school. The bell rings and children start flooding into the schoolyard. He’s fidgeting with the strap of his school bag when he hears a familiar voice.
“Toki-nii, did you get into a fight again?” Nemu asks, pulling out a band-aid. She reaches up and sloppily plasters it over Samatoki’s cheek. He’s hit the beginning of his growth spurt. Nemu only comes up to about his chest.
“Yeah. It’s nothing, though. If you think I’m in bad shape you should see the other guy.” He says with a huff.
She sighs the most dramatically that Samatoki has ever seen a nine-year-old sigh. “It’s not good to be fighting all the time. It’s dangerous.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Samatoki dismissively waves a hand. “Thanks for fixin’ me up. Ready to go home?”
“Mm-hmm. What’s for dinner tonight?”
“What do you want?” He asks, holding out his hand for her.
“Salmon ochazuke!” Nemu grabs Samatoki’s hand excitedly.
Samatoki grins. Nemu swings their hands together as they walk. “Salmon ochazuke it is, then.”
It’s one of those moments where he likes being an older brother.