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“So.”
“So.”
Neither of them say anything else. It has been like that for approximately two hours, them saying a word and not continuing it and just let silence filled the air in the room. Finally, Heejin lets out a sigh.
“We need to talk,” she says.
Hyunjin feel her stomach tighten into a knot, the urge to throwing up is so big it takes everything in her to not doing it. She takes a deep breath, preparing herself for what would come next. “Yeah, okay. Sure. You go first.”
“Alright.”
Hyunjin bites the inside of her cheek, waiting Heejin to speak whatever it is inside her mind. She knows she wouldn’t like it, but Hyunjin also knows stalling or backing out by lighting up the mood and tell Heejin to talk about it later would just do more damage for their relationship.
“Look,” Hyunjin says in a soft, low voice—the one she almost never uses. “It’s alright, Heejin. Just tell me.”
“First of all—” Hyunjin can hear the hesitance in her voice. “—I love you, Hyunjin. I don’t want you to forget that but it’s just …”
Hyunjin fight the urge to kiss her and shut her up. Shut up, she thinks to herself, everything before ‘but’ doesn’t matter.
“It’s just … something changed, Hyunjin. I don’t know what and I’m not sure how to explain but I can feel it changing. You feel it too, right? I feel like—“
“—our love has grown cold.” Hyunjin doesn’t dare to meet Heejin’s eyes.
“Yeah,” Heejin agrees on weakly. “So I’ve been thinking …”
“You want us to end.”
“Hyunjin …”
“No, Heejin, I get it. I—“ she sobs. Hyunjin is not exactly a crier, she rarely let her tears came out. This, turns out, to be one of those rare moments. But she tries to blink them away. “I know, Heejin. You’re not alone in this relationship, if anything happens of course I feel it too. I’ve been trying to just shrug it off, you know? Because … well, I don’t want to let you go.”
Silence is filling the room once again.
“Please, Heejin, can’t we … think about it again? Thoroughly? Giving it a second chance?”
Heejin shakes her head, tears already streaming down her cheeks. Hyunjin feels like her world collapsed right then. Her chest feels heavy. She feels like being absorbed into a black hole; the air and everything she is familiar with, they’re all gone when Heejin made it clear she isn’t going to give it another shot.
“At least tell me why.” Hyunjin despises the obvious desperate in her tone, but she couldn’t help it. “Please? Let me know why, Heejin.”
“Like I said, I love you but it’s changing—the love, it’s not like what it was. I-I’m not sure why maybe because we’re so occupied with our own things lately? We don’t have much time together anymore, Hyunjin. Or maybe our time just runs out. We’re not in the same page anymore, not in the same pace. We are no longer have the same ideas about some significant things. I tried to match yours, but it’s hard, Hyunjin. It’s like … I don’t know, I just don’t think I fit it.”
Hyunjin quieted. If there is anything worse than a break up, it’s a break up caused by inevitable circumstances. They both had been so busy with college and other stuff, so what Heejin said was true. It isn’t like they fall out of love … Hyunjin thinks about it again. Maybe she doesn’t but she isn’t sure about Heejin.
“You know every relationship have its ups and downs, right?” she tries again. “Perhaps this is one of ours. Our rainy, cloudy moment. There’s still a chance we could fix it.”
“I’m sorry, Hyunjin.”
It’s final. There is nothing else to say. Hyunjin finally see that this is the actual end. If it’s really love, they would’ve been fine by now—already wrapping themselves around each other. If it’s really love, they would decide to stick with each other. But it’s not, is it? Hyunjin almost laugh. Maybe it was. If it’s really love, we will find a way. But now, whatever they had is gone. Nothing else remains.