Chapter Text
Someone needed to invent keyboards that were less irritating. The monotonous tap tap tap haunted Levi's every moment, a constant background noise shadowing his life that caused his knuckles to whiten as he clenched in fury.
Office jobs really weren’t his forte.
Why the everlasting fuck did he apply for a fucking mind numbing office job. Fuck. Sure, the pay was pretty decent with his position and he got the weekends free, free from the torturous 9-5 that he was fucking chained to 'til death or incompetency do us part. You may now kiss the bride. Have a long and happy average life with her, fucker.
Average. Ugh. That concept, along with many, many other things pissed Levi off. Average. Neither fantastic nor terrible, just floating in between the two with everybody else. Levi liked to distance himself from people for a reason, so being clumped in the same bracket with so many others made his jaw clench. Somewhere along the way Levi had forgotten his drive, his ambitions, his hunger to succeed, to climb, or claw if he needed to, his way to the top and look down at his surroundings beneath him and just think fuck yeah, look at the shit I've done. You motherfuckers never thought I could do it.
Unfortunately it appeared they were right. The teachers who had looked down on Levi with that fucking condescending look, his peers who just laughed at him, even his parents had seen through Levi's bravado, gazed into what he was lead to believe was the useable future and saw that the small boy with the smaller heart but bigger dreams, dreams that were far bigger than him, would amount to nothing. Nada. Sweet fuck all.
That boy who wanted to conquer the world, climb higher than anyone had ever climbed before and swim amongst the stars was glued to a flat-packed office desk, a slave to his computer, cursed to work what he personally believed to be one of the shittest jobs in the known universe.
How the fuck did he end up here?
Levi strongly considered hanging himself with his tie at least 5 times a day, 12 on a bad day. However there wasn't a suitable hanging space in his pathetic excuse for an office. Sure, he could walk and find a place to end his miserable existence, but that went against the unspoken office mantra/curse of you'll never leave.
He looked at his stapler. Even the stapler seemed to be judging him. Maybe I could staple my own eyes out and end this.
Tap tap tap.
Levi sighed. He really fucking hated that sound.
"Leeeeevviiiiii"
Actually that was a sound he hated more.
Knocking over his pot of pens as he scrambled under his desk (sacrifices had to be made in the midst of battle), Levi pulled his legs in tight to his chest as the ominous stomps edged closer.
"Leeeeevviiiiii where are you?"
The dark haired man ground his teeth involuntarily, making a louder sound than he had planned to.
"Head of human resources Mr. Levi Ackerman AKA Mr. Cutie Patootie, mama knows you're here, show me your cute little face."
In his little square cavern of darkness made of reasonably priced Scandinavian furniture, Levi prayed for a quick ending. He had no desire to leave the world the way he entered it- kicking, screaming and covered in shit. And preferably as far away from a vagina as possible thank you very much. But that all came crashing down when a face with an oversized grin that seemed to have crawled from some child’s nightmare swarmed his vision.
"Leeeeeeviiiiiii." The face crooned. There was a body attached to the thing too but Levi didn’t want to think about that yet.
"What is it, shit for brains? Don't you dare fucking touch me or I'll shove this shitty ballpoint pen so far up your nostrils I'll liquefy your brain and perform a live mummification on you."
The face backed away, much to Levi's relief, the menacing sheen on the glasses were starting to disorientate the little man.
"That's no way to speak in a business environment Levi!"
"Hanji, since when have I ever been suitable for a fucking business environment, especially human fucking resources, I mean, how desperate were you people."
Hanji roared with laughter as Levi managed to crawl out of his temporary safe haven and back into the world of fucking office work. Hanji's long brown tresses had been pulled into a wild ponytail that looked like it was trying to escape its fate. Levi was not convinced it was the most professional hair style for the head of marketing to be wearing, even he made effort with his appearance, but no one was willing to attempt to try and iron out one of Hanji's many, many quirks.
“Why are your pens all over the floor?”
“Collateral damage.”
Hanji rolled her big eyes "I've just dropped by to say that the Commander wants to see you in his office."
"So Erwin's gotten you to do his leg work for him now? Eyebrows has fucking reached new levels of megalomania."
Laughter erupted from Hanji once more, spilling across Levi's lair, for it was a lair after all- a dark place wherein he plotted the collapse of the infrastructure surrounding him, cackling maniacally at the destruction he had created. Sitting at a desk all day did tend to scramble your brains a bit, after all. Hanji, for reasons that were unknown to him, found Levi absolutely hilarious. It did great things for Levi's battered ego, so that may have been part of the reason that her bloated corpse hadn't been discovered rotting away in the sewers yet.
"I was just in his office so I offered to pop by instead of sending fresh meat for you to terrify."
Hanji had a point there. Levi did have a reputation for terrorizing new interns. He protested that it was a way to wheedle out the weak and send the ones who still needed someone to hold their hand at every fucking step sent packing. There was one particular incident where an intern fresh out of university had made a mistake with Levi's morning coffee, an occurrence which happened far too frequently for Levi’s liking, and in the process had unknowingly unleashed hell on the 5th floor. She had swiftly resigned her position in a flurry of tears and fled. This had earned Levi the reputation of being the ‘tiny tyrant’.
"Also, I'd head over there ASAP as this is quite important, don't want to keep the big man waiting." With a waggle of her eyebrows and a lopsided grin, Hanji pranced out of Levi's office to irritate god knows who else. Hopefully the prats on the first floor. Levi had his suspicions that they were the ones who used up all the paper in the printers and were not fucking replacing them.
Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. He was in no hurry to see Erwin as that was more than enough human interaction for one day.
Which was kind of unfortunate as Levi was the head of fucking human resources.
Not wishing to have to listen to anymore hapless workers bitching and moaning about how some slack jawed coworker had knicked their lunch from the fridge (they were working for a high revenue international corporation, people still did that) and somehow expected Levi to offer them his condolences for their loss. Nope, Erwin was far better.
Opting to take the stairs up to the top floor instead of the lift, Levi made his way up to Erwin's office. The stairs were exerting, sure, but it wasn't anything Levi couldn’t handle and it allowed him to stretch his short legs after being cramped under the confines of his desk all day. Also the lift meant standing awkwardly with people in a confined space. Being head of human resources meant it was your job to know everything about everyone, so being stuck in a lift surrounded by workers complaining about their sorry little lives to you was a scenario Levi tended to avoid.
Just like the man itself, Erwin's office was extravagant and sophisticated. Sprawling across the majority of the top floor and overlooking the vast expanse of the city below, it was safe to say that Erwin Smith was an important man. That may have been because he was the CEO of a multimillion insurance company, but for all anyone knew he could be a successful squatter.
"Levi, nice of you to make it." Erwin offered the shorter man a seat as he shook his hand. Levi's smaller, slender hands were lost in the man's large grip. He tried to not let that bother him.
"The ape you sent me said you needed to see me for something.”
A perfect white smile emerged on Erwin's chiseled features. Not only was he exceedingly wealthy and powerful, he was also fucking handsome. Levi had to remind himself that Erwin was his boss and possible friend (Levi didn't like to throw the f word around lightly) and shoving his face into a sand belter would not be the best course of action. It wasn’t considered professional to sand down your boss’ face, human rights and all that.
“I have a proposition for you.”
“If it’s casual sex I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline.” Erwin was undeniably aesthetically perfect in every sense, but he was just not Levi’s type. For starters, he was still alive.
His boss’s deep chuckle put Levi on edge even more. After over a decade of knowing Erwin he was still not fully prepared to drop his guard around him. Pleasantries aside, there was something lurking underneath the perfect façade, a more sinister and hard man that Levi theorized made him look like Mother Theresa in comparison. But that’s what business does to you, unfortunately- if you were easy to tread on you were crushed.
“How are you liking being HRM Levi?”
When Erwin had risen to position of CEO little over a year ago after Shadis had stepped down, one of the first things he had done was to promote Levi to head of HR, for whatever reason that was, Levi wasn’t entirely sure on that man’s judgment anymore. When one thought of someone to be HRM, an approachable, motivated person came to mind, not a crass little man who many believed could kill a man with his glare alone.
“I think I excel greatly in making workers reach their optimum performance because I constantly terrify the little shits. However, when it comes to sorting out people’s problem, to quote one disgruntled worker, I ‘royally suck ass’.”
“I knew you would find ways of motivating the staff when I promoted you, people want to impress you, Levi. You don’t sugar coat anything and have no problems telling people the truth.”
“Too fucking right.” Levi snorted. Sometimes he thought he should keep his language in check whenever speaking to Erwin because professionalism and all that shit, but Levi knew he couldn’t keep his mouth in check and after all, if his creativity with the English language offended his boss then he would have been fired years ago.
“You have a keen eye for detail Levi and a shrewd mind. You’ve worked for this company for 10 years now and you’ve never disappointed. I need people like you working closely to me because I know you wouldn’t hesitate to tell me if my judgment was wrong and I could trust you to pick up any mistakes I could make, not that I make any of course.”
Levi snorted at this, but he couldn’t help but sit up straighter in his chair, he liked where this conversation was going.
“I would like to offer you a promotion.”
“To what position exactly?”
“Think of it as vice-CEO.”
“Would that mean I don’t have to listen to people bitching at me all day?”
“Well, ye-“
“I’ll take it.”
Erwin’s crisp striped shirt crinkled underneath his suit jacket when his broad chest shook from laughter. “But Levi, you don’t even know what you’d have to do yet.”
“When I said I hated people talking to me all day I did mean it. I’m not the office’s favourite agony aunt, you know. But yeah, what would this new position entail?”
“You’d take a far more active part in the company and its direction, vision and purpose. You’d help me evaluate the company’s successes, strengths and weaknesses, and create business plans and strategies accordingly. You would also have to represent the company’s corporate image to some extent, but I will try and limit your involvement in that as much as possible. But most importantly, if for whatever reason I am unable to fulfill my role as CEO then you would take over my responsibilities for however long that may be.”
Holy shit.
“So if you were ill or something you’d want me to act as CEO for fucking Survey Insurance?” Levi asked, not quite believing what he was hearing. “I’m sorry, I’m flattered and all that, don’t worry, but are you sure you’re making a wise choice here? There must be someone else in this company that would be more…suitable than me?”
“Levi, this has been the easiest choice I have made in a long time. I do believe that if the occasion did arise that you would make an excellent CEO. Sure, you might offend a few people and make more than several interns cry, but I know I could trust you to take the company in the right direction.”
Grabbing one of the fountain pens lined up neatly on his desk which were possibly worth more than Levi’s childhood home, Erwin scribbled a number onto the back of one of his pristine business cards
“If you need any more persuading, this would be your new salary if you accepted the position.”
Holy shit.
The figure before Levi swam in his vision. That was a few more zeros than he was expecting.
“It won’t be an easy job- the hours will be long, the workload will always be high and people will be trying to stab you in the back at any opportunity. But if you succeeded, Levi, you’d reap the rewards.”
“Holy shit.”
“I know this is a big decision for you to make, Levi. Please, take your time, I don’t want you to take this position half-heartedly- I want someone by my side that is ready to give their heart to this company and its vision.”
“Would I move out of my shitty office?”
“Absolutely.”
“And would interns be able to make coffee properly?”
“Absolutely.”
“And would I get a private jet?”
“Don’t push your luck.”
Saying it was a big decision was an understatement. As HRM Levi did already hold a lot of responsibility in Survey Insurance, and he didn’t really have a life outside of work so the long hours didn’t really bother him that much. But if something went wrong, if the company flopped and the revenue plummeted, then people would be pointing fingers at him. He would be partially to blame, regardless of his involvement in the case because he would be vice-fucking-ceo and people would think he was a failure, nothing, average-
But then Levi remembered he didn’t give a fuck what people thought about him.
“Who were you thinking of taking HRM if I took your offer?”
Erwin shrugged. “I’d still have to interview for the position, but I was thinking of Nanaba.”
Levi nodded in agreement. “They’re far more suited for the role than I ever was, to be honest.”
“Nanaba is a lot more approachable than you are.”
“I’ll take the job if you’ll have me.”
They shook hand again, Levi hoping his palms were not sweating.
“I’m glad you accepted my offer, Levi. I’m expecting big things from you.”
“Is that a height joke?”
“Now that you mention it…”
“Since you were nice to me today I’ll let you off this time, Erwin. Just this time.”
“I’ll be sleeping with one eye open from now on.”
As Levi left Erwin’s office, a rarely seen smile tweaked at the corner of his lips. I might be able to salvage something from this life after all.