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It isn’t something that they plan.
It’s the start of a new year, a new entire decade, and there’s the usual talk of resolutions.
How are you going to better yourself this year?
This is the kind of question Jeongguk gets asked a lot, whether it’s part of an interview or some self-reflective activity set up by their staff for content.
Public self-reflection is a funny thing in this industry. Fans crave that personal touch, always eager for any extra little pieces they can use to build an image of them in their minds, who they might be away from the camera flashes. Jeongguk doesn’t resent them for it - finds it harder to forgive their management, sometimes, when they ask these things of him despite their constant admonishments to behave whenever he truly does allow himself to act naturally - but the fans just want to be able to relate to them.
Even so, there are always going to be lines that they aren’t going to be able to cross, a point where his honesty won’t be appreciated anymore. He’s been distinctly aware of this since those very first days of BTS, when suddenly what they said and did started to be noticed, started to matter.
It’s cute to look up to your hyung. Of course you’re going to playfight, you’re just kids. You can cuddle all you want; it’ll get you more fans if you play up the skinship, that’s just good business. Maybe don’t manhandle him quite so much though, and could you tone down the intense staring and actually, Jeongguk, we’re going to need you to sit at the other end of the table for this one. Why don’t you go ahead and describe to us your idea of the perfect girlfriend.
Wouldn’t want to give people the wrong impression, after all.
As an idol, the appearance of availability is important. It doesn’t matter that he’s been fucking gone for Taehyung ever since they met and that he knows he’ll never love another. He might be the youngest of their group but he’s old enough to know what he wants and he hates that he’s not allowed to shout it from the rooftops the way he aches to, the way Taehyung deserves.
Taehyung is the sunshine in Jeongguk’s life. Taehyung deserves the world and all it has to offer him, not these clandestine not-dates, stolen backstage kisses that get them scolded because are they trying to get caught!?
Self-reflection. Honesty.
When he’s been asked to make resolutions in the past, the goals he’s chosen have tended to be pretty basic, comfortably achievable. I want to work out more. I want to get involved with producing. I want to build up muscle, I want to get tattooed, I want to become closer with the hyungs.
This year:
“I want to become a more honest person.”
He’s met with furtive glances by the others, until Jin cracks a joke beside him for his resolution and the interview moves on. His moment of intensity is forgotten.
Mostly.
He catches Taehyung eyeing him speculatively between takes. They don’t discuss this thing between them unless they’re sure they’re in private, so he extends both his index and little finger and flicks his hand at him.
Love you.
It seems to satisfy Taehyung, who smiles cutely back at him and returns the gesture.
He’s gone a moment later, swept away by one of the stylists, and it’s moments like this that make something in Jeongguk’s chest wrench with how unfair it all is. If they weren’t idols, they wouldn’t have to settle for gestures across a crowded room. He’d be able to love Taehyung openly without constantly having to remind himself of the repercussions there might be for both - no, for all of their careers.
If it weren’t for becoming idols together, they might never have even met.
It’s later that same day, after they’ve retired to their hotel for the night, that Taehyung pulls him aside and they go into one of the empty rooms.
“I missed you today, Jeonggukie,” he says, linking their hands between them and twining their fingers together.
“We’ve been together all day,” Jeongguk points out, but he knows what he means. He feels the same way.
Taehyung tugs at the ring on Jeongguk’s index finger and slides it onto his own. “What was that about, before?” he mumbles, eyes still on the ring. “‘Becoming a more honest person’?”
His own goal had been somewhat vague, to seek out more healing activities in the new year, but they’ve done this enough times now that Jeongguk’s resolution stuck out as odd.
Jeongguk is quiet for a moment. He squeezes Taehyung’s hands between his own. After a while, he speaks up.
“You know it’s difficult for me,” he starts. “They want us to give so much of ourselves, but I’m never allowed to say anything about us .”
He pauses to swallow. Taehyung is looking him in the eye now.
“And really, sometimes it’s the only thing I want to talk about at all,” he confesses.
Despite doing this for several years now, they’ve never really put a label on what they are exactly. They’ve exchanged countless “I love you”s and there’s an unspoken agreement that they’re exclusive (like Jeongguk would ever want anybody else when Taehyung is around), but beyond that it’s not something they’ve discussed.
Maybe Taehyung’s thinking the same thing when he asks, “what would you tell them, if you could?”
In the low light of the hotel room Taehyung looks vulnerable, hair falling into his eyes, makeup smudged slightly around the corners.
Jeongguk steps closer, crowds Taehyung back against the wall, hands still clasped between them. He looks him in the eye and lets himself feel it, all the bursting affection he tries so hard to hold back when they’re not alone. It always comes spilling out anyway, despite his best efforts. Maybe he would have resolved to improve his self-control if it weren’t already such a lost cause.
“I’d tell them that I don’t have a list of ideal traits in a potential girlfriend, because I’m not looking for one. I never will be.” He frowns. “And I’d be able to dismiss any stupid dating rumours a lot more easily, too.”
He thinks of all the things he has to hold back.
“I wouldn’t have to grasp for backup ‘favourite memories’ for when the seven of us do things together in case they decide to cut the ones I chose about you in the edit.”
“Jeonggukie,” Taehyung breathes.
Jeongguk presses their foreheads together.
“I’d tag you in every cover I post,” he continues, the words flooding out of him, “in case it wasn’t clear enough that they’re all for you. I’d be able to actually put together that mixtape I promised, because it wouldn’t matter that every song is too obviously about you to ever be released.”
Taehyung’s face is screwing up the way it does when he’s trying not to cry, but now Jeongguk has started he can’t stop.
“I wouldn’t have to feel like I’m lying to everyone all the time. I… I’d be able to look at you across the room and not have to wonder if it’s all in my head.”
He exhales, and even if the weight on his shoulders hasn’t quite lifted it’s at least shifted, become more manageable.
Taehyung’s lost the battle against tears and some of them have slipped down his cheeks, so Jeongguk detangles their hands to reach up and brush them away, cupping his face.
Taehyung lets out a shaky breath. “I never knew - you never told me you felt that way,” he accuses.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise. ” Taehyung’s hands come up to grip at the nape of his neck. “I want you to be able to share things with me. It’s my business to know if something’s bothering you and to try to help you. I love you.”
“I love you,” Jeongguk returns easily.
They stay like that for a while, foreheads together, breathing the same air.
After a few minutes have passed, Jeongguk feels Taehyung’s hands slide down to push lightly at his chest. He reaches for Jeongguk’s hands again after he’s stepped back and meets his eyes. Those eyes, always so deep and soulful, seem impossibly bright right now.
“Jeonggukie,” he says, “I want all of that too… and honestly, I don’t think that day’s as far off as you think.” He looks down at their hands. “I can’t really do anything about that right now, but there is one thing I can do.
Without further ado, Taehyung twists the ring he took from Jeongguk off his index finger and moves it two digits over, sliding it down his ring finger.
Jeongguk inhales sharply.
“If it ever feels like too much, or you’re looking at me from across the room…” Taehyung ducks his head. “You can look at this and remember that I’m yours.”
Jeongguk gapes. Blinks down at Taehyung’s hand. Admires the way the slim band catches the light, stands out against his skin.
Maybe he stares for too long because Taehyung’s suddenly shuffling his feet.
“Ahh, maybe that’s too much, sorry,” - he’s grimacing, making to remove the ring; Jeongguk doesn’t let that happen and instead closes his fingers around Taehyung’s wrist to draw his hand closer.
The ring is warm when he rubs his thumb over it, heated by both of their skin, and something about the sensation makes his heart beat like crazy. He feels everything building up inside him again the way it always does and this time he doesn’t see any reason to fight it.
“Tae, I think I’ve loved you since the day I met you,” he gets out in a rush, Taehyung’s eyes widening in response. “You’re it for me, I don’t want you to ever worry about being too much. It’s not too much. For me, it’s not too much.”
Taehyung slumps forward into him, his head coming to rest on Jeongguk’s shoulder. “You too,” he mumbles. The deep timbre of his voice vibrates against Jeongguk’s chest, and it feels close. Intimate and comforting, the way it always is when it’s just the two of them.
It isn’t a marriage proposal, couldn’t be as things stand at the moment, but it’s something. Something big, a testament to the bond they’ve nurtured over the past few years - the best years of Jeongguk’s life without question.
Maybe they can’t speak openly about it. Maybe it’s not the kind of honesty he’s been aching to show. Maybe though, for now - for the two of them - it’s enough.
“Has… has Taehyung always worn a ring on his left hand?”
“Hm?”
Hoseok inclines his head towards Taehyung, who is currently engaged in some kind of celebratory post-show toasting competition with Jimin.
Namjoon squints. “Huh.”
The hand Taehyung is using to hold his glass glints as he moves, the light catching on his left ring finger, but they’d all already changed out of their stage clothes and jewellery for the night.
He guesses it’s not that unusual though if he’d just felt like wearing it personally. He’s already opening his mouth to brush it off when he catches sight of Jeongguk a few feet away watching his friends’ antics, standing alone sipping at his drink.
There’s something intense in his gaze that jogs Namjoon’s memory - that’s the same look he had the other day when he made that cryptic comment about how he was planning to be more honest from now on, which…
Things click into place and Namjoon’s jaw clicks shut. He lifts a hand to pinch at his brow. Sighs a little. Shakes his head.
This is going to be one hell of a year.