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It seemed like only five minutes ago that Jamie had been all intense at practice and, yet, here he was, sitting slumped on his sofa, with a newborn cradled in his hands.
Tyler checked himself. The baby wasn’t technically newborn. It was about a month, from the bits of the frantic call Tyler had been able to overhear. Jamie hadn’t ducked out of the locker room. He’d drifted towards a corner, his face becoming tighter and blanker and a high flush developing on the back of his neck. The rest of the room had caught the mood, growing quieter and tenser as Jamie’s clipped responses sounded more and more panicky.
He’d looked at Tyler first, his eyes wide, before finding Jordie. “There’s a kid.”
Tyler had driven around in a bit of a daze instead of going straight home after Jamie and Jordie had left, heading off to wherever they were to find out about a kid that might be Jamie’s. An ugly jealous feeling made Tyler pull off into a lot and breath heavily until he didn’t feel like he was going to puke. Then he called his mom.
The bags from the store rustled as he dropped them at his feet and Tyler winced. Jamie looked up slowly, his eyes a little hollow, before he dropped back to the baby in his hands. It was so tiny it wasn’t even in his arms. Jamie had his long fingers cradling its skull, holding its impossibly tiny head.
“Hey,” Tyler breathed out. He drifted nearer, looking over Jamie’s shoulder. The baby didn’t look like much, didn’t look like Jamie. A tiny tuft of dark hair, a pink mouth, confused eyes that blinked open unfocused.
“This is Zachary. His mom called him Zachary.” Jamie’s mouth tightened until the baby opened his mouth in a tiny yawn and seemed to settle back to sleep again. “She’s…gone.”
“Gone?” Tyler softly laid a hand on Jamie’s shoulder, half support for Jamie and half for him as he leaned over. “He’s cute.”
“He’s a baby. All babies are cute.” Jamie’s voice softened as he leaned into Tyler’s shoulder. “She doesn’t want him. We’d hooked up. Timing matches. She had a paternity test done.” His words were clipped but he kept his voice gentle. Or possibly he’d run through all his emotions, all his strength, and now he was numb. Tyler knew what that felt like.
Tyler waggled the fingers of his free hand in front of the sleeping baby. “Hey, Zach. I’m Uncle Tyler.”
Jamie slowly settled back against the sofa and rested his hands with their cargo on his lap. “What do I know about kids?” Tyler presumed the question was rhetorical and went to grab the bags he’d carried in.
There was a spill of baby gear around the living room – bottles and blankets and a car seat. Tyler was tempted to suggest that Jamie stick the kid back in it so he could stand up and Tyler could give him a hug. Tyler was used to receiving hugs from Jamie and it was nice to be able to offer one back. Or maybe he just wanted to wrap his arms around Jamie and hold on. Get some stability back in his life.
Instead Tyler started pulling out things from the bag while Jamie watched him with disbelieving eyes.
“Babies need clothes. And towels. And toys,” Tyler told him, as the kit started piling up. “I didn’t know what you had so I got a little of everything.” Tyler grabbed a cute fluffy monkey thing that he hadn’t been able to resist. He threw it at Jamie, only realizing his mistake when it was already in mid-air. Luckily he’d thrown it gently. It smacked Jamie in the face and slid down his body to rest in his lap. Jamie blinked. “Fu… Sorry. I’m sorry.”
The door opened behind Tyler and Jordie came in carrying an enormous box. “Hey, Tyler.” He set the box down beside Tyler’s piles of clothing and cast his eyes over them. “Good job. Come grab the rest of the stuff?”
Tyler nodded mutely, cast a last reassuring smile in Jamie’s direction and followed Jordie to the elevator. He waited until the doors had closed behind them. “How’s…?”
“Freaking out. How the fuck do you think he feels? Our mom’s getting a plane. I’ve picked up all this shit she told me to. It’s a fucking disaster.” Jodie scowled, his beard accentuating the action. “It’s kind of your fault.”
That felt like a punch to the gut. Tyler took a heaving breath trying to force air into his lungs, until Jordie took pity on him.
“Jamie was so fucked up over you that he went on a bit of a bender before y’all got your shit together.” Jordie scrubbed his hand across his beard. “Fuck it. I’m not blaming you, Segs. This is solidly on my brother. I just hope-“ Jordie was quiet as they walked across the lobby to the lot. When they were alone by the car, he turned to Tyler, face serious. “I hope this doesn’t make you run. I’d get it if you did, but you’re good for him.”
Tyler was oddly touched. He knew Jordie was being supportive but he thought it was because he’d stand by his brother through thick and thin. It was nice to hear that he thought Tyler had some positives to bring, especially when everyone was pretty much stuck to his redemption storyline like it was some kind of soap opera. Those in the know put the credit at Jamie’s feet, which Tyler tended to go along with, but he knew he’d helped Jamie unbend a little as well.
“Yeah, man. If he still wants me as a boyfriend, I’m there. But I’m his friend too.” It felt stupid to think and even more stupid to say. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Jordie wrapped Tyler in a hug that went beyond bro hug in a way Tyler was entirely comfortable with. It was the type of hug that said family. At least they’d stopped sharing feelings though.
Jordie took charge of organizing the guest bedroom into something that a baby might find acceptable. He made Tyler come and help with moving the bed frame and mattress against the wall but other than that Tyler stayed the fuck out of his way. Jordie with a screwdriver was a terrifying sight.
They were all walking on tiptoes, Jamie most of all. He didn’t want to put Zach down anywhere, although he’d worked out how to hold him against his shoulder. Tyler fetched and carried – a bottle of water, formula, a cloth, another cloth when that cloth got spit up on. He drew the line at diaper changing and made Jamie do it, although he brought him a fresh shirt when he laid Zach down on the mat Jordie had bought.
“He’s so tiny,” Tyler told him, staying out of range but close enough to hand Jamie things when he asked for them. “Which is weird considering he’s half you.”
Jamie shot him an injured glare but Tyler just responded with a grin. Zach made a disgruntled whine at being ignored and both their attention shot back to him. Tyler shifted closer, hand brushing over Zach’s soft fluff of hair.
“You’re going to be so handsome, just like your daddy.” Tyler leaned over to bump his nose very gently against Zach’s forehead. One of Zach’s tiny hands came up and caught his beard. “Yes, you are.” Tyler knew he was ridiculous but he was fairly used to that. He shifted so he was lying alongside the mat while Jamie busied himself at the business end. Tyler distracted Zach by letting him play with his fingers, even allowing the kid to chew on them a little.
Jamie looked more settled when he’d managed to wriggle Zach into another cute onesie. Tyler snorted when he realized it was one of the Stars ones he picked up earlier. It was a little too big for the kid but it’s all the more awesome for that – it hung off the end of his toes and Tyler gently rolled the sleeves up until Zach’s hands were free. Then Zach stuffed one of his own hands in his mouth and looked at them both, blinking.
Jamie and he fist bumped over the kid, who let out a noise that could be gas but could be a laugh. It was a mixture of ah sounds anyway.
“Do you want to hold him?” Jamie settled back into a kneel and bit his lip. “If you… If you want.”
“I better get used to it,” Tyler told him, sitting up. Zach kicked his feet in the air and ignored them. Tyler wanted to be touching someone and he wasn’t sure if it should be Jamie or the baby. He settled for Jamie, grounding himself with a hand on his thigh. “If you want. Because if you do, I guess I’m going to be helping look after the kid.” Zach let out another stream of noises, wet sounding around his hand and Tyler had to glance at him.
“Helping?” Jamie’s voice was getting towards high-pitched.
Tyler nodded – he knew he’s got this – and leaned over to kiss Jamie softly. “Part of being your boyfriend, right?”
Jamie’s grin was answering enough.
Tyler stuck to his own apartment when Jamie’s mom arrived, not wanting to get in the way of grandparent time. He did spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning his place, though, half-formed ideas of offering his spare room to the Benn’s mom now that their guest room was a nursery. Marshall spent the day following him around, slumping in doorways and watching Tyler with his head on his paws.
Tyler decided he didn’t like the feeling of being judged by his own dog.
By mid-afternoon, his place was as clean as it was getting and he’d settled on the sofa for a quick nap. He left the TV on, hoping the distraction would allow him to settle his mind. But it was all in vain when he was interrupted by a knock on his door. He opened it to find Jamie with Zach plastered against his chest.
“My mom is driving me nuts.” Jamie pushed past him and stood looking down at Marshall, obviously not sure how to give him his usual pat on the head. Tyler closed the door and drifted towards Jamie, hands up in a silent offer to take Zach. Jamie gently transferred him over and Zach was like a warm heat pad against his bare skin. He supported Zach’s head like Jamie had told him and jiggled him gently like he’d seen people doing with kids.
Jamie slumped onto the sofa, sighed, then turned his attention to Tyler, a smile playing around his lips. “If I ever feel shitty, man, I’m going to come down here and make you be shirtless and hold my baby.”
“Zach’s not going to be small enough for long.” Tyler pressed a kiss to Zach’s hair, smiling into it. “Also, that’s all kinds of creepy.”
“It’s possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” Jamie hooked his phone out of his pocket and snapped a picture before Tyler could object. “And Zach’s been fussing and it’s just… He’s quiet now.”
“What happened with your mom?” Tyler settled gently onto the sofa and leaned back into Jamie. They’d lain on the sofa like that a million times, Tyler back against Jamie’s broad chest, Jamie’s arms around him. They adjusted until they were comfortable, Zach a natural addition to the whole cuddle thing.
“She made Jordie move everything. Then she was cleaning. And then there was a lot of very quiet, intense yelling.” Jamie shuddered under Tyler and Zach stirred.
“Babies feel tension, man.” Tyler had no idea if that was true or not. He knew he could feel it if people were pissed off and not hiding it well and it made him feel shitty. Made sense that kids felt the same. “What’s going to happen tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” Jamie seemed to be making a conscious attempt to relax and pressed a kiss of his own under Tyler’s ear.
“Practice. Or are you on daddy leave?” Tyler settled even further into Jamie’s arms, wishing he could persuade Jamie to take a selfie of this. He thought they probably made a good picture, the three of them. Marshall came to stand by their side before flumping down with a huff. Tyler listened to the TV – on commercial – drone on for a moment.
“My mom’s going to look after him. For this week.” Jamie scrubbed his hands up and down Tyler’s arms. “The team’s not going to suffer.”
“That’s not-“ Tyler cut himself off as Zach stirred against him. Tyler ran his hand down Zach’s spine until the kid seemed to drop off to sleep. “Does your mom want to stay here? She can use the guest.”
“That’s be…” Jamie leaned over Zach and pressed his mouth against Tyler’s, for the first time since Zach was tossed into their lives. It has this edge of uncertainty that Tyler hated that made him want to push Jamie down and straddle him. They hadn’t even been this uncertain and hesitant the first time they’d got together. Of course the alcohol they’d basically drowned themselves in had helped.
“You want to go get her or can I come up?” It’s been a long time since Tyler’s had to ask.
“You want to bring Marshall? She probably likes him better than me.” Jamie pressed another kiss to Tyler’s lips, still gentle. This one carried an absent edge, like Jamie was thinking of a million other things but he also wanted to tell Tyler he was still here. Tyler would take that for now.
They didn’t make it upstairs for a while, trading soft kisses, half watching the television and mostly watching Zach.
Zach was definitely grouchy the next morning. Tyler had skipped his morning run to dash upstairs and ask if anyone needed anything while he was out. He was a good friend, boyfriend, whatever. But the apartment had been pretty quiet except for Zach’s fussing. Tyler hung out for a while, elbows on the edge of the crib, Zach playing with his hands.
“You want to break out, little dude?” Tyler kept his voice soft. He could see the baby monitor on top of the old dresser. “Want some fresh air?”
Tyler hesitated a minute longer, watching Zach make a series of more and more comical yet distressed faces, before he swooped down and set the captive free. Zach settled down once he was more upright again and Tyler braved the changing mat to get Zach all dressed up. He didn’t bother digging through all the clothes that had been thrust into the top drawer but grabbed the first one that looked warm. It came with an attached matching hat which gave Tyler an idea.
The sling thing looked simple but took longer than he liked to get settled around his chest. It felt secure when he slid Zach inside, even though he took a deep breath as he let his hands go and relied on the bright orange material. Zach’s tiny hat was just at the right height for Tyler to nuzzle a cheek against as he dashed off a quick note and headed back downstairs to collect Marshall.
The park wasn’t busy but it wasn’t empty, with early morning joggers looping in familiar circuits. Tyler paid for a bottle of water and wandered over to the dog park. There were a couple of other dogs nosing around and Marshall’s tail picked up in tempo as Tyler carefully bent over to let him off his lead.
Tyler normally followed Marshall around, sometimes joined the runners around the park, but today he settled on a bench while Marshall made friends and told Zach what everything was. He felt a little ridiculous talking to the kid but Zach seemed much happier and babbled occasionally like this was an actual conversation. After a while his eyes fluttered closed again and Tyler settled back, hand stroking up and down Zach’s back, and drank his water.
His phone chimed and he snagged it out of his pocket. It was Jamie. “Hey.”
“Where… Have you got Zach?” Jamie sounded a little frantic.
“I left you a note.” Jamie made a noise that was closer to a whine than Tyler was entirely comfortable with. He looked down. Zach was smacking his lips together. “We’re hanging out at the dog park. Probably time to head back.” Tyler whistled and Marshall came bounding over. It was an awkward juggle but Tyler got him back on his lead and headed back to the apartment. “You need anything?”
“No.” Jamie’s voice was a little curt. Then he sighed. “I totally panicked that Zach was just a dream and he wasn’t real and it was a whole thing. Sorry.”
“Sorry enough to make breakfast?” Tyler tried to keep his voice light and mostly succeeded. He heard Jamie sigh again.
“My mom’s already got the eggs on.”
“Hear that, Zach,” Tyler said, nuzzling against Zach’s head and feeling his soft gurgle. “Grandma’s making us eggs.”
Jamie’s laugh was more of a giggle. “You’re fucking great with him, you know.”
Tyler could feel his cheeks heating up as he brushed another kiss over Zach’s head. “We shouldn’t be long. I’ll drop Marshall back at mine.”
“See you soon.” Jamie hung up and Tyler picked up the pace. Without the distraction of the phone call or even Marshall pulling on the lead, he was left with plenty of time to mull over Jamie’s words. He liked kids, always had. Always thought he’d like them when he was older, although he was kinda enjoying the whole dating Jamie thing and hadn’t really thought much beyond that and lots and lots of hockey for the foreseeable. He was happy. But now Zach was on the scene, he reckoned he would just have to wait and see what changes were going to come.
Tyler patted Jamie on the shoulder when he headed off to the meeting he’d asked for after morning skate. Half of Tyler wanted to go with him but he knew Jamie had to go on his own. For one thing, management didn’t exactly know that their first line center and right wing were fucking like rabbits. Jordie had only found out because he’d walked in on some pretty explicit action which he maintained had scarred him for life. He’d still bought the take out that night.
In the end, Tyler didn’t wait around. It felt strange driving with Jordie, not banished to the back seat. They didn’t even argue over the radio. Everything was out of sync, far removed from the comfort of normality.
“He’s going to be fine.” Tyler wasn’t sure if Jordie was reassuring himself or Tyler. “You coming up?”
“Sure.” That was normal. Tyler would grab Marshall and hang out and carb load until it was time for naps. And lately his naps had also involved him staying over, curled up on one side of Jamie’s huge bed. That was another thing that might need adjusted or changed or just stop being something that happened altogether.
Zach was awake when they got back, idly kicking his legs in the air as he lay on a blanket in the middle of the floor. Jordie tickled at his belly but Tyler grabbed a couple of the soft toys he’d picked up and lay down beside him. Jamie’s mom dropped by to kiss Zach before she said she was going shopping. Jordie bounced between the sofa and the kitchen before heading off to his bedroom when Tyler made a very calm yet determined pronouncement that too much TV was bad for babies. Probably the gesture Jordie flipped his way was also not particularly good for the kid either. Tyler stayed where he was, trying to remain perfectly content and ignore the worry that was threatening to overwhelm him. He was trying to interest Zach in a lamb when Jamie came home.
Jamie was chalk white, eyes wide. He was wringing his hands. Before Tyler could say anything, Jamie sank into an armchair and ran his hands through his hair, grimacing as he encountered the gel he’d slathered in earlier.
Tyler finally dumped the lamb onto the floor and picked up Zach, cuddling him against his shoulder. It gave him enough courage to open his mouth. “Hey.”
Jamie looked startled and then he settled into a tight smile. “Hey.”
Tyler crossed the floor and nudged Jamie’s knees together. It took some maneuvering but he managed to fit himself onto the chair alongside Jamie. He would deny he was sitting in Jamie’s lap but his legs were sprawled across it and Jamie’s arm held him and Zach in place. Tyler rested his head against Jamie’s and enjoyed being close to him.
“They’re consulting on a strategy, but it looks like a press release.” Jamie ran his nose over Tyler’s jawline. “There’s something else.”
“Yeah.” Tyler could hear the dread in Jamie’s voice and a warning churn began in his stomach.
“They asked if I was in a committed relationship and I said I was. I had to tell them I was. And with who.” Jamie’s body was tense under Tyler’s and remained tight and awkward while it took Tyler a couple of minutes to work out what Jamie was telling him. Or trying to tell him.
“You told them about us.” Tyler didn’t move away. He didn’t even tighten his grip on Zach. “What did they say?”
“They were surprised,” Jamie replied, bone dry. “I don’t think that was going in the press release.”
Tyler let out a laugh, a weirdly loud one in the intimate air between them. He wondered what kind of looks he’d be receiving from the coaching staff and management later on. He wondered if it was time to maybe say something official to the rest of the team as well, rather than letting vague assumption hang unconfirmed between them all. He wondered if he should be annoyed at Jamie making that announcement without consulting him. And he wondered if Jamie was still up for his kind of commitment on top of Zach and everything.
“My mom thinks I need a house.” That was a bit of a random jump. Tyler tuned back into the conversation, sliding back so he could see Jamie’s face clearly. He looked better than he had, less pale and gross. In fact, if Tyler had to describe Jamie’s expression, he’d liken it to the type of look Jamie got when they were in the tunnel ready to head out onto the ice. “I think she’s almost right.”
“Only almost?” Zach made a noise that was threatening to turn into a cry and Tyler jiggled him, hoping he’d hold out until Jamie had decided to finish up whatever he was trying to say.
“Yeah.” Jamie brought his other arm around to hold onto Tyler’s leg, running his hand over Tyler’s hip in the place he’d joked he wanted Tyler to put the tattoo that represented him. “I want to know if you think we need a house.”
The full weight of what Jamie was asking drove the breath out of Tyler. He gasped air for a couple of moments before leaning forward and pressing a determined kiss on Jamie’s lips. He ignored Zach’s more insistent complaining to deepen it, opening his mouth against Jamie’s. Then he clambered up and wandered through to the kitchen, snagging the bottle Jordie had ready and offering it up. Then he decided to hand the kid over to Jordie. It was only after he’d done that, negotiating elbows carefully, that Tyler realized his hands were shaking.
“So, um, Jamie and I are going to my apartment for a bit.” Tyler started shifting towards the doorway. “We should be back. Soon. Soonish.”
Jamie was on his feet as Tyler came past and snagged his arm, pulling him towards the hallway.
“I don’t mind babysitting,” Jordie yelled, before Jamie started asking or apologizing. “Go have disgustingly married sex.”
“What?” Jamie was half-breathless as Tyler got the door opened and headed for the stairs. “Why?”
“Because I’m saying yes.” Tyler wondered if anyone would care if he pinned Jamie to the wall here but reckoned he could do without a public indecency charge. He had a nearly overwhelming urge to be naked with Jamie. “I’m saying yes to the house and to Zach, to everyone knowing.” Tyler was already at the door to his apartment, fumbling his keys into the lock. “And maybe even to asking you to marry me. One day.”
Tyler found himself pressed back against the door as soon as it was closed behind them. Jamie was disgustingly cute, his big eyes filled with something Tyler knew was nearer to adoration that to pure burning lust. But he realized he probably had the same look in his own. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy and that they’d both have to deal with a lot of shit, literal and figurative. But the way Jamie pressed forward, fingers splaying across Tyler’s ass, made him forget all that and focus on the here and now.
His immediate need to be very, very naked was very satisfied very quickly indeed.