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She’d been cleared for active duty over a month ago. But still, she woke in cold sweats every night. Not knowing where or who she was. It took her at least half an hour to stop grasping her throat at the steering pain of the symbiote digging it's way to her spine. “Phantom pain” is what Janet had called it. Even though it was gone, the pain lingered. Physically and mentally.
The Tok’ra had said it was “an unnatural but necessary bonding”. That, if she should ever be a host again it would not feel that way. It would be beautiful and “a merging of souls”. Jack had snorted at that. She merely looked down at her hands, trying to ignore her own screams that echoed.
She had begged Jolinar to leave, pleaded and cried while it controlled her actions. It had grabbed the weapons, shot those soldiers, burned her eyes as a threat. She had fought, even when it was telling her to calm, she had screamed at it, hoping to make it flinch. It hadn’t.
The torture she’d endured as the bounty hunter tried to kill Jolinar was beyond any pain she had ever experienced. Nothing the army had taught her could ever prepare her for the feeling of life being quite literally burned out of her.
She splashed the warm water over her face, trying to wash the lingering sensation off her face. The mirror in front of her revealed just how sleep-deprived she was, black rings hung around her bloodshot eyes. Her face grey and drawn. Her cheekbones seemingly protruding more than normal.
She couldn't keep going like this. Waking with memories that were not her own, feeling heartbreak for someone she had never met, longing for a life she hadn’t lived. Feeling as though her body were no longer her own.
Trying to go back to sleep would be useless, opting instead to walk to the gate room to check up on the night shift. Perhaps she could be of some use to Walter, he always had some equation or program for the gate that she could fill her mind with.
He had become accustomed to her wandering in at all hours of the morning, often having a fresh pot of coffee ready. She was thankful for him, his friendship and unquestioning support, but especially for the fact that he didn’t look at her the way others did. Full of pity and curiosity. Each wary of her and what to say or do around her.
Daniel had asked an absurd amount of questions, she knew why, of course, it was for Sha’re. But it made her feel worse when she tried to make him feel hopeful. She had only been blended for a few days, the horrors Sha’re would have injured in the last 3 years was almost unimaginable. How could she possibly give Daniel the answers he wanted?
Jack had barely spoken about it, aside from the odd “You okay?” She knew he just simply didn’t know what to say but she wished he would say more. Anything to make her feel normal again.
Teal’c had been the only one who seemed to understand, even though she felt an uneasy presence of his symbiote whenever he came near, he knew exactly what she needed. Whether it was a supportive look or a much-needed hug. He knew what it was like to be an unwilling carrier. And she almost feared the day his symbiote matured for him.
She sat at the control desk, working on the program Walter had pitched to her, speeding up the automatic shut down. The sound of the clicking keyboard beneath her fingers and being able to do the work she had dedicated her life to, drowned out her thoughts for a few hours. Finally giving her the peace she so desperately needed.