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I don’t want to seem too eager. But the truth is, we’ve been dancing around each other for three years now and I’m sick of it. I want to know, one way or another if this – whatever this is – is going anywhere. The flirtatious jokes, the way he looks at me when he thinks I am not seeing it, like I’m some rare ingredient he can’t wait to get his hands on... it’s enough to drive a man crazy. I’m not used to this - courting someone - there were no real opportunities in Lothering for anything more than a quick tumble behind the inn. So, here I am at a ridiculously early hour, standing outside the door to his clinic debating with myself. What if I read it all wrong and he will turn me away?
Of course he’s awake already, probably hasn’t slept all night. He does that, stays up all night healing people, never turns anyone away. He’s crouching in the corner as I walk in, fussing with a plate of… milk?
“What are you doing?”
“Putting milk out. I miss having a cat around. But I think the refugees have scared them all off. Or maybe eaten them.”
Oh yes, I remember he used to talk about having a cat in Ferelden, Ser-something-or-other, wasn’t it? I’ve never been much for cats, besides I imagine Thunder would eat it for a snack if I did bring one home.
He gets up, turns around and I forget what I wanted to say. His eyes are the most beautiful shade of hazel, almost golden in this light. He starts to talk about how great an example I am to the mages in Kirkwall and how I am the kind of a leader they need - but I cannot concentrate on the words, I just want him to keep talking, to stand here and listen to him forever. That voice... like one of Father’s whiskeys - first it’s all fire and brimstone but if you look at it closer, you see it’s all beautiful and smooth and velvety - Maker, listen to me going on like a mooncalf!
Startled, I realise he has stopped talking and I can’t help myself and I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.
“When you get like this, I think it would be hard for anyone to turn you down.”
Great, you just had to be all sarcastic - bloody Maker, what’s wrong with you Danny? Oh, I’m so not good at this sort of thing. I really really want him to like me, not push him away.
“I've tried to hold back. You saw what I almost did to that girl. You've seen what I am. But I'm still a man. Don't expect me to resist forever.”
Wait, what? You’ve tried to hold back? Does it mean what I think it means? That all this time he’s wanted me as much as I want him? You’ve seen what I am - he’s talking about that spirit inside him, that he is possessed. I don’t know how to reply to that. It was scary as hell how he went all blue and glowy and roared... but he didn’t hurt the girl. I don’t think he would have in any case. He’s a good man and I want to tell him that, but as usual, my mouth seems to be not connected to my brain.
“How long until I drive you mad?”
I want to kick myself. Why can I not say something clever instead of being a cheeky sod? Oh Maker, why doesn’t he say something? This silence is... scary, maybe I should just go now before I ruin everything and he ends up hating me.
I take a step forward towards the door and he takes one too, towards me and then he’s there, right up close and he smells like soap and herbs and clean...
Sweet Andraste, he’s going to kiss me! I close my eyes and almost forget to breathe cause I have waited, wanted this so much, so long. I stumble a bit when his lips meet mine. His hold on me is firm and he pushes me against the wall, he tastes of mint and elfroot and magic. I've only ever kissed one other mage before, but it was never like this... electrifying, like every part of me is ready and awake and full of him. I groan into his kisses as I feel his hands on me. The way his fingers trace the lines of the tattoo on my stomach promise so much and I want him so bad that I cannot breathe. And then he pulls away and I hear myself whimpering in protest.
“If we could die tomorrow, I didn't want it to be without doing that.”
That makes me blush, no one’s said things like that to me before... that kissing me would be so important to them. I mumble something in reply, which I’m sure he will just ignore...
“I thought with Justice - this part of me was over. I can't give you a normal life. If you're with me, we'll be hunted, hated. The whole world will be against us. If your door is open tonight, I will come to you. If not, I'll know you took my warning at last.”
“I have been on the run all my life, that part does not worry me and... I really do want you, want to be with you. Father used to say that sometimes you need to take risks, even if you fail, you’ll have learned something about yourself. I - I’m not good with words... but please, come tonight, I want to see you and... we’ll make this work somehow, I promise. I want it to.”
He kisses me again and I feel so alive. His fingers tangle in my hair and mine move to untie his ponytail and I’m almost overwhelmed by it all... and then, there’s a knock on the door and he pulls away with a start. He laughs softly then, and it feels refreshing, like rain after a dry spell - he doesn’t laugh often enough.
“I guess it’s time for me to go back to work again, you better get back home. I will come to you tonight, I promise.”
As I turn to leave, his hand reaches out and brushes against mine. A promise then, that I will see him again and I will have an answer to my question.