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Sam isn’t sure he’ll ever get used to the weight. The wings he’s spent the majority of his life without, are a current constant reminder of a life he once had. They twitch slightly in his contemplation, reacting to his pensive mood as he contemplates all the changes that have happened recently. His memories as Lucifer sitting just in the back of his conscious mind. He’s avoided thinking about it, avoided allowing himself to submerse completely into the grace that was currently entwined around his soul. He could feel its gentle current under his skin, like a patient puppy just waiting for his attention.
He shakes his head and takes another swallow of the warm beer in his hand. The alcohol doing nothing to numb his senses. Sam sighs before running a hand through his mussed up hair, then letting it rest lightly on the edge of his wing. The feathers felt soft against his calloused fingers as he absently petted the edges, the dark ebony tips briefly stinging at his heart. He blinks up at the stars and searches out the constellations he memorized when he was a kid to distract himself. Cassiopeia, Cepheus, Draco—their twinkling lights brighter with his enhanced vision in the dark. The cool metal of the Impala has seeped into his skin but he’s not ready to move yet, not ready to go back into the house with its wooden walls and roof. With doors that can shut and lock, windows that can be blocked—space cramped and small—
“Sam?” He startles slightly, wings expanding in a half forgotten knee-jerk reaction. Cas is standing on the porch, his eyes piercing the darkness with a worried stare. Sam raises his hand in a half wave but makes no move to join him. His feet feel rooted against the bumper and he lowers his eyes to the bottle in his hands. After a moment he can see Castiel’s feet and edges of his trench coat in his vision. He chews on his bottom lip for a moment before taking a deep breath and looking up into Cas’s face.
“Hi Cas, what’re you doing out here?” The younger angel cocks his head to the side and squints a little before pursing his lips.
“I was going to ask you the same thing. Dean went to bed ages ago, and Gabriel is up in heaven with Raphael. Why are you out here alone?” Sam takes another halfhearted sip from the bottle and shrugs, wings curling tightly against his back in a subconscious act of self-consciousness.
“Just, staring at the stars. I’m not really all that tired. How is Dean?” Michael, his grace supplies for him in his mind. His brother, his whole world as Sam and Lucifer. Dean seemed to have transitioned well, melding into Michael like a second skin, or maybe a first skin? It made Sam’s head hurt if he thought about it too hard.
“He is well, resting before he joins Gabriel and Raphael in Heaven.” Sam just nods, trying to ignore the slight pang of longing in his heart. He’s not sure why he misses a home he can’t quite remember. Perhaps it was because he’s never had a home, motels and run down shacks weren’t exactly the best atmospheres for kids to grow up in. Maybe just the thought of a home, of a place he actually belonged to—but no—he was cast out. Sam’s swallows hard to remove the bitter taste in his throat before forcing a smile.
“I’m sure he’s anxious to return, I bet you remember how Michael hated to leave for long—“
“Sam—“
“He probably has things that need attending to from his absence—“
“Sam—“
“I bet the angels will give him quite the homecoming—“
“LUCIFER!” He flinches at Castiel’s raised voice and glances at the seraphim with wide eyes. Castiel is staring at him with a thinly veiled look of worry and understanding. He reaches out a hand tentatively, giving Sam plenty of time to pull away. The warmth on his shoulder is a welcome distraction from his cold thoughts and he relaxes slightly. “You will get to go home Lucifer, I promise you. You will get to see Heaven again”. Sam shakes his head with a fond smile, his grace reaching out in a gentle caress against his younger brother as Lucifer comes to the surface.
“Ah little one—you always were strangely optimistic in the face of uncertainty. You could put my grace to shame if you had more confidence in yourself and your judgements”. Cas puffed his wings slightly at the warm praise but still looked at him sternly.
“You are Lucifer, Heylel of the angels, Morningstar and most loyal. Your grace will ever shine brightest and one day Heaven will be warmer for it.” Sam tries to contain his grimace of uncertainty as he shoves the grace back down, withdrawing back into himself in the presence of the open exclamations. He throws his head back and quickly finishes the bottle before tossing it with the others beside him on the dirt lawn. He stretches from the car, letting Cas’s hand fall from his shoulder as he stretches out the kinks from his back. Lucifer firmly back in place in the back of his mind, Sam smiles warmly at Cas before knocking his elbow into the short man’s chest.
“I’m headed to bed Cas, you gonna stick around or are you off to hunt Zachariah soon?” The mild concerned look hasn’t left Castiel’s eyes but concedes Sam’s silent plea to drop the discussion before gliding into step alongside Sam as they wander back to the house.
“I will be leaving in the morning once Michael is on his way. He asked I join him briefly and speak with Raphael, we may be able to glean an idea as to where he would run to if we spoke with a few of the other angels. He is hoping this hunt won’t take long.” Sam nodded his head absently.
“Seems like as good a plan as any. I’ll get to some research for you as well, see if I can’t find any signs of unusual activity to help point you in the right direction.” Sam gazes up the stairs to the spare room, he tentatively reaches out to feel Michael’s resting grace above him, it responds subconsciously, soothing Sam’s jumpy nerves. He looks back at Cas and pats him gently on the shoulder. “Goodnight Cas”. Cas nods his head at Sam’s retreating form, his own thoughts swirling in contemplation and unfortunate comparison about the archangel he knew and the one before him. He sits slowly behind the large wooden desk, books still stacked in front of him waiting to be put back on their shelves after Zachariah’s attack. His thumb absently runs over a gouge mark in the wood as his mind circles around increasingly worrying thoughts.
Castiel still can’t quite remember everything clearly from before his re-education, images still fuzzy or blank all together. But he can remember a feeling of warmth and tender patience when he thought of Lucifer. An older brother who would sit for hours entertaining Cas’s questions and curiosities. He remembered the feeling of calm understanding as he questioned things about themselves, and the Earth they were guarding. The Morningstar’s grace always shown brightest when he was with others, sharing his laughter and knowledge. Then the human’s came and his presence became—murky. Sparse images of a withdrawn brother, a closed off expression and cold eyes. When he pushed too hard his memory would grow fuzzier and a dull pain would start behind his eyes forcing him to stop.
Cas gazed at the ceiling in the general direction of the room of his brothers. He sent a silent prayer to their father, asking for his guidance and to protect the Winchesters, they have the grace and memories of Michael and Lucifer, but there were still Sam and Dean. Still so human in so many aspects.
“C’mon Sammy I’m about to get this show on the road!” Dean bellowed up the stairs impatiently as Bobby chuckled from the kitchen. Dean ran his hand through his hair for the umpteenth time as he paced in the cramped library. His mind was whirling a mile a minute thinking out all the possible scenarios while he was gone. This was going to be the first time, in a long time, that he was going someplace Sam couldn’t follow. It had his big brother worry and angel worry running on high for the past hour. He’s run through every possible plan on what could happen and how to counter it and he still felt like he was forgetting something.
“What’s got ‘er panties in a twist this morning your highness?” Bobby asked with gruff fondness over a cup of coffee. He was leaning casually against the doorframe watching his boy pace, frantic energy buzzing just under his skin.
“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea Bobby, what if something happens while I’m up there and I can’t get back in time. We still have unknowns out there, Zach-ass is still at large, and the demons are still rooting for their maker—I don’t like this”. Dean worried the skin on his bottom lip as he sat heavily on the couch, knee bouncing with pent up energy before he jumped back up and started pacing again. “Maybe he should just come with me, Raph and I can shield his grace and hide him away, no one would know—“
“That won’t work Dean and you know it.” Sam came down the stairs slowly, hair still damp from a quick shower and he smiled fondly at his frantic brother. “I’ll be fine Dean, I’m still a hunter, and I’m not going anywhere so the wards will keep me safe and I’ll keep Bobby safe.” Bobby snorted into his coffee mug before turning away.
“Don’t worry about this old man, I’ve made it this far in life without a pair ‘o angels livin’ under my roof.” Sam flashed his retreating back a bright smile before focusing back on Dean. He watched as his brother’s green eyes searched his face, looking for some hidden tell that Sam was not okay. Sam rolled his eyes before lightly punching his arm as he passed.
“Seriously, Dean, it’s only for a few hours. I’ll be fine, stop hovering so much.” He dodged Dean’s retaliatory smack and hurried into the kitchen.
“Forgive me for being worried, I just don’t like it Sammy. Why can’t you come with us again? What wisdom did you shove down my throat before buttering me with whiskey?” Sam shook his head as he poured himself a cup of coffee before sitting at the old table.
“We don’t want to cause a ruckus remember. Once we’ve made sure everyone is clear of any re-education, then we can reintroduce me as Not Evil Incarnate”. Sam’s face was calm, tone annoyingly even as he reiterated their conversation for the past few days. Dean crossed his arms across his chest and tried not to look like a petulant child.
“Still don’t like it”. Sam laughed as Bobby shook his head and muttered an “Idjits” before retreating to his library to start sorting. Sam and Dean existed comfortably in the silence for a few minutes, their grace reaching out instinctively to each other as the sun rose outside. Sam could feel Dean’s agitation but excitement to return home, almost like a kid anxious on the first day of school. He hoped his own pensive and anxiousness wasn’t translated over, otherwise Dean would never go. “So—“ Dean started in the silence, twitchy energy back in full force, “Where’s Cas?” Sam hummed a moment and shrugged.
“Off on his hunt I guess, he’s really focused on finding Zachariah.” Dean nodded appreciatively before glancing at the clock.
“Good, if anyone can find him, it’ll be Cas. Now if only we know the whereabouts of the other one—“
“Dean-o! Fancy seeing you up and about this fine day.” Gabriel’s grace washed over both of them with a welcomed warmth as he appeared with Raphael at his side. His eyes twinkled in mischief as he eyed his brother’s in front of him, yes his brothers. He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of thinking that.
“Took you two long enough, let’s get this show on the road.” Sam stood as Dean strode over to Raphael and gave them a small half wave in greeting.
“Morning Raphael, Gabe”.
“Sam-a-lam! I’ve got a day planned for you, hope you have a bathing suit”.
“Nu-uh, nope, you two stay here”. Dean had turned quickly, finger raised with a threatening air as he glared at Gabriel. Sam had to hide his snicker as Gabriel stuck out his lower lip in a mock pout and made puppy whiney noises at his brother. “Don’t even think about it Gabe. Not till we’ve got a better handle on this—whatever this is”. Gabriel rolled his eyes and sighed before looking to Sam for help. He raised his hands in mock surrender and stepped back.
“Hey Gabe don’t look at me, you heard the big brother.” Gabriel rolled his eyes dramatically before stalking off to join Bobby in the library. Distinctly the other angels could hear Gabriel muttering under his breath about pushy big brothers and sticks in the mud. Raphael smiled at them all while shaking their head and beamed at Sam.
“It’s good to see you again Lucifer, you look well”. Sam’s wings fluttered a little under the gaze as he smiled back and nodded his head.
“As do you Raph, keep an eye on our brother for me while you’re up there?” His brother nodded before turning to Dean.
“Are you ready to go?” For a moment Sam watched as Michael came forward, eyes blazing with suppressed graced as he smiled and he felt a twinge of jealousy as he watched the beaming smile.
“More than”. In a blink they were gone and Sam stood in the quiet kitchen alone, the spot his brother’s occupied once again empty and it felt like the sun had hidden away behind the clouds at their departure. He looked down at his half cup of coffee and sighed before gulping down the hot liquid. Sam’s eyes felt itchy and he stretched his wings as much as possible, feeling the burn of underused muscles. He let his eyes drift across the cluttered kitchen, Bobby’s and Gabe’s voices filtered from the library behind him. His vision stuttered across the four walls, the cracked linoleum, the white ceiling—his breath stuttered for a moment in his chest as he set his mug in the sink a bit harder than he intended. The voices paused behind him and Sam tried to take a deep breath.
“You okay in there Sammoose?”
“Y—yeah”, shit, “I’m just gonna go get some fresh air, I’ll be right back.” Sam all but bolted from the room, screen door clanging loudly behind him as he escaped to the outside. He took a few deep breathes, slowing his sudden spike in his heart rate. He could feel his grace roll under his skin and he felt cast to sea without an anchor. He flapped his wings behind him, trying to dispel his nervous energy.
“Sam? Hey, Sammich, what’s going on?” He turned to look at the worried golden gaze. His grace instinctively reached out and he felt Gabe answer the call with his own without hesitation, the worry increasing as he felt the turmoil festering behind Sam’s eyes. “Luci—? Do you need me to call Michael back?” Sam shook his head quickly before shoving his hands in his pockets.
“No—no I’m alright, jus’ need a minute that’s all. I –um—still adjusting I guess?” Sam looked at him with a half hopeless look and shrugged before looking back down at the ground. “It’s silly I know, but being inside—it—it just feels so confining.” Easy waves of understanding brushed over him and he let his grace relax into it before looking back up at his brother.
“I get it, really I do Sam-a-lam. It’ll take time, but we’re here. Not goin’ anywhere, ‘Kay?” Sam nodded in appreciation before leaning against the porch steps to take a few deep breathes. They stood in silence for a while, grace’s mixing in a relaxing playful manner until Gabriel felt a contented hum underneath their silent banter.
“Can I ask, is it just being inside or—or something else?” Sam shrugged nonchalantly, closing his eyes and tilting his face up into the sunlight.
“Sort of, I guess it’s mostly being a room alone. It can get so quiet. I never really noticed before but now—now it’s too much like—“ a shudder ran through his grace and Gabriel turned up his internal heat for a moment to soothe the sudden bit of cold.
“Alrighty then!” He clapped Sam on the shoulder, startling him out of the sudden pensive thoughts. “Distract the puppy-- that I can do. C’mon nerd, Bobby started reorganizing his library and I’m sure he wants the help, though he won’t ask the crotchety old guy that he is”. Sam laughed and shook his head before following Gabe back up the porch steps.
“Careful, if he hears you say that your ears will be ringing from the smack he’ll give you.” Gabriel snorted before waving his hand.
“Pu-lease, like he’d hit little adorable me”. Chuckling with fondness they both entered the library to see Bobby stacking more books on the desk. Sam rolled his sleeves up and set his mind to the task at hand, anything to distract himself at the situation around them. As he catalogued the volumes in front of him, he vaguely heard Bobby and Gabriel arguing about the best method of organization, their idle chatter a welcome steady background noise. Under it all he felt the graces of his brothers reaching out and silently communicating with each other, the steady current of pure presence and love screaming to him:
We’ve got you