Work Text:
Here you can listen to the song on spotify or youtube.
Dumb. That's what Jeongguk is, he's fucking dumb.
He has no idea what brought him to agree to this. Actually, that's not true. Longing and curiosity. But still, he cursed himself. The second he laid eyes on him again, he knew this was a horrible idea. Now it was too late.
"Okay, can you please introduce yourselves." The producer said and Jeongguk threw him a dirty glare, although no one but him is to blame for this mess.
"Hello! I'm Jimin!" God, his voice and the smile. If Jeongguk were alone at home he'd cry now.
"Uh yeah, hi I'm Jeongguk." He mumbled instead and chuckled, hoping it didn’t sound as awkward as it felt. Jimin didn’t look bothered at all and that alone was bothering Jeongguk.
“What is your relationship?” The producer asked for the video, since he obviously knew. They were filming this fucking video after all.
“Ah, haha that’s the whole point of this video, right? We are exes.” Jimin explained and Jeongguk wished it wouldn’t feel like he was ramming a knife through his heart.
“When did you two break up?” The producer asked further and Jimin met his gaze and humming, something he always did when he thought about something.
“About a year and a half ago.” Jeongguk answered because he knew, he knew painfully well. Seventeen months, three weeks and four days. But he wasn’t counting haha. Jimin observed him for a few moments before turning back to the camera with a smile.
“Did you keep in touch throughout that time?” Jeongguk gulped and had to look down.
“No, not really. We tried at first, but--- it was hard.” Jimin answered. Jeongguk felt nauseous.
“Was that really necessary Jeongguk? We broke up three weeks ago.”
“Exactly, we. Broke. Up. So chill, I’m just having some fun.”
“Fuck you, Jeongguk!”
He wanted to apologize. Jeongguk wanted to drop to his knees and beg for Jimin’s forgiveness. But he was a coward and there was a room full of people and a recording camera, so he bit the inside of his cheek, until he tasted blood.
“How long have you two been together?” Jeongguk had to close his eyes for a moment.
“Almost two years.” Two wonderful, magical years. The best years of my life.
“Okay, who wants to read the first question?” The producer moved on. The next moment Jeongguk had a tiny fist in front of his face and he almost reached out to hold it. Almost. Fortunately he snapped out of it quickly enough to realize what Jimin wanted to do. It was so familiar, yet so strange now.
“What do you wanna eat today?”
“Hmm, sushi?”
“Nooo, we already had sushi last week. I want chinese.”
“Then why did you ask in the first place? Now, I want sushi.”
“Shut up! Rock, paper, scissors.”
They didn’t have to define the rules or anything, they already knew. Jeongguk chose stone, Jimin chose paper. The latter squealed happily over his victory and immediately reached for the first card.
“Alright, first question. Why did we break up?” Jimin read out loud and looked up. Jeongguk felt like a deer in the spotlight. He cleared his throat.
“Wow, really? We are diving right in deep, huh?” He chuckled though it wasn’t funny at all, and rubbed at his neck. “Uhm, lack of communication, I’d say. I didn’t know what I wanted and you were just--- few steps ahead.” He answered honestly but he tried to keep it short and not as depressing. If someone asked Jeongguk could probably write a whole essay about his mistakes.
“Yeah, you never allowed me to see how you felt until you blew up.” Jimin added.
“Where were you? It’s almost dawn.”
“Told you I was going out. I’m tired.”
“You could have called, or texted. I was worried.”
“Oh my god, Jimin! Stop suffocating me, I said I’m tired!”
Don’t cry, Jeongguk. You already replayed this a thousand times, it’s nothing new. Don’t cry.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. Because the apologies were on the tip of his tongue for about a year now and he felt like he was going to explode if he won’t be able finally let them out. “I’m sorry for my behaviour back then. I was so immature.” Jimin seemed surprised but soon his expression stretched into a smile.
“We both were at fault.” Jimin reached for the bottle of tequila and poured them both a shot. “Here, let’s drink. To our flaws.” He said and lifted his shot glass. Jeongguk wanted to say how he didn’t see any flaws when he looked at Jimin but that might would have been a bit too much. Instead he met Jimin’s glass with his own, before downing the burning liquid. The pain was welcomed. Then it was his turn to read the next question.
“How long did it take you to get over us and what did you do that helped you move on?” He put the card back down and eyed the bottle of liquor longingly. He didn’t want to know that. He didn’t want to hear how well Jimin was doing without him or how long it took to forget him. Jimin didn’t look troubled at all, instead he looked at the ceiling for a moment as he was thinking about the question.
“Uhm, I’d say it took me quite a few months. Talking to friends definitely helped, distracting myself until it stopped hurting.” Jimin mused and nodded along to his words. Then he turned to look directly into the camera. “Guys, if you are suffering from heart break right now, don’t lock yourself up in your room and wallow in self-pity. Get up, take a shower and go out there. The world is beautiful!” Jimin looked proud about his speech but Jeongguk had to look down in shame, because that’s exactly what he has been doing the last year. He tried, okay? He really did, he wanted to get over Jimin but eventually he just accepted that he wouldn’t get over him anytime soon. I mean listen, who even could forget a perfect angel like Park Jimin? Maybe Jeongguk didn’t even want to get over him, although it hurt like a fresh cut, hitting deeper every day. You are pathetic, Jeon Jeongguk.
“Oh, this one is good.” Jimin grinned as he read the next question. “What do you miss most about us?” Yeah, nah. Big nope. No, no. Jeongguk is not answering that. He doesn’t give a fuck how awkward it looks, or what Jimin might think but he just can’t do it. Not when he knows a hundred percent certain that he will start crying if he even just tries to answer that. So Jeongguk fills his glass and downs the shot quickly, avoiding Jimins questioning eyes.
“You party pooper, I wanted to know your answer.” The older pouted, Jeongguk could already hear it from his voice, but he didn’t allow himself to look at his lips or he would probably combust.
“We have to keep it a bit exciting don’t we?” Jeongguk gives as a lame excuse and reaches for the next question to change the topic quickly.
“What did your friends and family think about me?” Oh god. Jimin giggled. Jeongguks heart stopped.
“Do you want me to take a shot?” He asked, always being his kind self.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I already know the answer to this anyway.” Jeongguk shrugged. Jimin turned to the camera again.
“Okay, so at first my parents loved him, alright? Like they actually adored him, Jeonggukie” Jeongguk suppressed a whine at the old nickname “is very good in playing the perfect son in law. My friends were very weary in the beginning, they warned me about him but I didn’t listen. Because I liked the idea of me being able to secure the bad boy and turn him into a softie. And I mean I achieved, at first.” Jeongguk already knew what was coming next, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. “But I guess, no matter how hard you try, you can’t change people. Eventually, their true self will always show.”
Wow, yeah, that shirt really hurt. Jeongguks lungs contracted and for a moment he thought the tears would burst right out. Believe me, you changed me a lot. Jeongguk wanted to scream, but Jimin didn’t deserve that. He had moved on, he was happy now. That’s all that mattered, Jeongguk had no right to open up old wounds.
“If we were the last two people on earth would we become lovers?” Jimin read, the sadness had dissipated out of his eyes again. Now he looked intrigued. Jeongguk took a deep breath and forced himself to pull through. Keep up the facade.
“Hell, yeah! I mean, it’s not like we could save the humanity, because reproduction is off the table, obviously. But, since I know how needy you are, you wouldn’t stand a day being all alone.” If there is one thing Jeongguk has always been good at, it’s making Jimin laugh. It’s what he is most proud of and he is glad that he kept that talent through the last year. Jimin giggled and brought a small hand up to cover his face, throwing the card at Jeongguk with the other.
“Shut up!” The smile on Jeongguks face was the first genuine one in a long time. Jimin had that effect on him.
“Do I sometimes pop into your head when you are masturbating?” Jeongguk read and immediately felt the blush creep onto his cheeks.
“Oh my god!” Jimin gasped and went straight to the tequila. Jeongguk raised a brow.
“If he is too uncomfortable to answer, that’s basically a yes, isn’t it?” Jeongguk asked towards the camera, or the staff, whoever really.
“Shut up, it’s not!” Jimin squealed embarrassed. “Maybe I just want to spare your feelings.” Jeongguk knew it was a lie. He almost had a feeling to scoff and say “oh really? since when” but he didn’t because he really had no right to blame Jimin. They both signed up for this.
“That’s a cheap excuse.” He said instead and smirked, that fake smirk that he had mastered over the years. Jimin downed the shot.
“Why don’t you answer the question then, huh?” Jimin challenged. Oh Jimin, you should know Jeongguk never backed down from a challenge. The younger leaned over the table slightly.
“Fine, by me. I’m not ashamed to say it. Of course, I think about you. Have you seen yourself? Your ass is perfect.” For emphasis he added a chef’s kiss and Jimin burst out laughing. The one where he throws his head and entire body back, pulls his arms close to his chest and almost falls from the chair. Jeongguk makes sure to burn the little squeaky sounds into his memory for future sad hours.
“I hate you, you are impossible.” Jimin coughs, once he has calmed down again. The light atmosphere was nice, something Jeongguk really needed and it almost felt like in the old days again. But then Jimin read the next question and Jeongguk was back at the very bottom.
“Is there anything you’d like to apologize for?” They both inhaled deeply. This was dangerous territory. For a split second Jeongguk considered to drink but no, he wasn’t a coward (okay, he really was but he had to man up) and Jimin really deserved that apology.
“Yes,” He blurted out. “A lot actually. It’s a year and a half too late but I’m really sorry for how I treated you. I often dismissed your feelings, and acted without thinking about the repercussions. I wasn’t fully devoted to our relationship and my stupidity caused you pain. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but I guess most of all I’m sorry for being dishonest about my feelings, about pretending that I didn’t care about you, or later when we broke up. It--- It wasn’t true. I cared.” The relief came quickly. Jeongguk felt lighter than he did in a long time. But then he looked up to see tears in Jimin eyes.
“Fuck you, man.” Jimin choked out. “Why do you tell me this now? Stop making me emotional.”
“Sorry, it took me a while to realize all that. I was a coward.” Jimin nodded quickly.
“You are.” He said and Jeongguk couldn’t help but wonder what exactly he meant by that. However, instead of asking he pulled the next card.
“Do you regret going out with me?” Jeongguk wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer to that but Jimin gave him no time to consider.
“No, of course not. I mean yeah, the end was tough but I’ll treasure our memories forever. You made me feel alive and showed me how exciting life can be. I’m grateful for that.” Jimin smiled and Jeongguk returned it honestly. He really didn’t expect that kind of answer but he appreciated it a lot.
“Come on, jump!”
“But it’s so high! And dark, I can’t even see. Are you sure the water is deep enough?”
“I promise baby. It’s not even that high. Here, give me your hand. We’ll jump together, alright? On the count of three! One--- Two--- Three---”
“How many sexual partners did you have after me and where do I rank skillswise?” Oh fuck.
“Uhh--- I guess maybe eight, or nine? But you are definitely in the top half!” So, this answer comes straight pulled out of Jeongguks ass. A big, stinky lie. The only intimacy he got in the last year was with his left hand (and if Jimin really keeps popping up in his head from time to time then there is really nothing he can do about it). But how can he admit that he never slept with anyone after Jimin? How can he admit that he is so repulsed by the idea of touching or being touched by anyone but Jimin? That would be like admitting he still hasn’t moved on (and probably never will). Jimins face falls a bit, a sad smile contorting his soft features.
“Top half, huh? I guess I should be honoured.” Jeongguk can reek the sarcasm through the whole room.
“W-What about you?” He asked back, because apparently he has masochistic tendencies. Jimin shrugged.
“Only three, but you know I’m not good with casual flings.” Jimin answered and Jeongguk knows that it’s the truth. He wants to curl up on the floor and cry the twisting pain in his chest away. Images of Jimin being touched by someone else, Jimin being loved by someone that was not him.
“Jeonggukie?”
“Hmm?”
“Please, be gentle with me.”
“I’d never dare anything else, my love.”
It was too much for him and his heart so he reached for the next question.
“Where do you see us in ten years?” Jeongguk was proud of himself for keeping his voice steady. Because he definitely knew where he saw himself.
“Oh,” Jimin breathed out softly. “I’d like if we could stay friends this time, maybe. But like, I don’t know. I just hope you’ll be happy no matter what.” Jimin smiled. Jeongguks heart did a thing but he shut it down as soons as he felt it.
“That’s nice.” He smiled back.
“Jeonggukie?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think we’ll last?”
“Of course, baby. I’ll never let you go.”
“I dare you to ki--- oh Jesus, really?” Jeongguk gasped and turned to the camera team in shock.
“What?” Jimin asked. Jeongguk nibbled on his lip.
“I uh, I dare you to kiss me on the lips or take to shots to get out of it.” His chest tightened.
“Is either of you seeing anyone right now?” The producer cut in. Jeongguk automatically shook his head and glanced to Jimin.
“I’m not.” The blonde said. Jeongguk felt the two simple words wash over his soul like balsam.
“So would you be up for it?” The producer asked. Obviously, Jeongguks answer is clear. Even if it’s bittersweet and will only show him what he lost, at this point he is so greedy for anything that he will gladly take the pain afterwards.
“Uhh, yeah? I guess.” Jimin said shyly and met Jeongguks eyes questioningly.
“S-Sure.” Jeongguk said nervously. A tension filled moment followed where they just stared at each other. They leaned in at the same time and met in the middle of the table. It was a weird position but Jeongguk couldn’t care less as his lips connected with Jimins. The older still tasted the same, his lips plum and soft against his own. His heart started racing and he had to use every bit of control in his body to stop himself from chasing after Jimins lips after the older pulled back again. It was not enough. Jeongguk spend the rest of his life doing nothing else but kissing Jimin and it still wouldn’t be enough.
“That was less weird than I expected.” Jimin giggled and reached for the next card.
“Oh, this is already the last one.” He stated surprised, turning it around and reading it. His eyes widened, showing Jeongguk that he was probably fucked.
“I, ehm--- It says, do you still love me?” Jimin said, his voice small as he looked up carefully to see Jeongguk’s reaction. Needless to say, the younger wished he could just dig his grave already, right here, right now. How the fuck is he supposed to answer that question. He can’t lie, he knows he wouldn’t be able to pull it off believably. But he can’t exactly be honest either. What the fuck is he supposed to do? The camera is stressing him out, all the people watching are stressing him out. But Jimins eyes are so honest and open, so childishly curious that Jeongguk feel this deep pull in his chest. Like there is no way he could betray Jimin and lie right into his face. Not anymore.
“Were you really just at your friends place?”
“What do you mean?”
“I just--- heard someone say you went to a club instead, with a bunch of people. I just wanna know the truth.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t believe just anything you hear and trust your boyfriend instead.”
“Of course, I do.” Jeongguk said it with all the sincerity he can find within himself. He just needs Jimin to understand, to realize what he actually meant, and still means to Jeongguk. The older looked shocked. “I will always love you. And I’ll keep our time together close to my heart.”
“Me too.” Jimin smiled, but Jeongguk isn’t sure if he meant it the same way as he himself did. Because let’s be real, Jimin looks like he is thriving. He is the most beautiful than ever, his skin basically glowing, hair soft and shiny and his eyes, they are like little portals giving you a small glimpse into heaven. And Jeongguk, well he is the opposite. Jeongguk is what you find if you go into the most dark and dirty back alley and pull something out of the very depths of an old trash container. He is moldy and rotten, like something you wouldn’t even want to touch because it probably carries all kinds of diseases. And really, the least Jeongguk wants is to contaminate Jimin, he has already done enough damage.
“Would you wanna get back together?” The producer asked and Jeongguk whipped around towards him.
“Goddamnit, can’t you just shut that noisy mouth!” He snaps in panic. The staff as well as Jimin just cackle but Jeongguk feels the nervous heat tint his cheeks.
“Sounds like a yes to me.” The sound man said with a grin.
“Do you maybe want to meet me outside?” Jeongguk questioned. He wasn’t actually mad, he was just sweating a lot right now and those people were just too cruel. Jeongguk wondered if he really was that obvious of if they just guessed really well.
“Oh my god, Jeonggukie, leave the staff alone.” Jimin giggled, immediately gaining all of Jeongguks attention.
“Whatever.” He pouted and turned back to the camera. “It’s a wrap, right?”
“You didn’t answer the question yet.” The cameraman said and Jeongguk huffed annoyed but didn’t answer.
“I don’t know if it’d be a good idea for us to get back together.” Jimin said. Jeongguk shook his head a bit until his hair fell over his eyes to hide the pain in his eyes.
“I mean, it was a great time, but the last few weeks really had me at my breaking point. And even if I miss us sometimes, I don’t think I could take that again.” He couldn’t breath. He tried but it felt like no air was reaching his lungs. Jimins statement was too much. Jimin misses us. But you broke him, idiot. But he misses us!
He can’t say anything, Jeongguk’s mouth opened but no sound came out. He was never one for big words or confessions, always prefered a cool distance over vulnerability. But he said it himself, they failed because of a lack of communication. Because Jeongguk was too much of a scaredy cat to admit how much he needed Jimin. He can’t to the same mistake twice. Jeongguk is sure if he doesn’t speak up now, Jimin will walk out of that studio and he will maybe never see him again. With only a few memories left to last a lifetime. That’s when he realizes that he can’t lose Jimin again.
“I do too.” He admitted shyly. “I miss us too.” And then he met Jimin surprised stare and begged him with his eyes to give Jeongguk a chance to explain. But not like this. Not with a room full of strangers and a camera recording their every movement. Not with a whole team later cutting their story and molding it into a completely different thing. Jimin just smiles and Jeongguk’s thinks, hopes, that the older is still able to read out of his eyes.
“What’s this?”
“The snacks you wanted.”
“But I didn’t even--- How did you know?”
“I just saw it in your eyes, baby. You were longing for them.”
“What are you, a mind reader?”
“No, just a Jeongguk reader.”
“Alright, guys it’s a wrap. Cut!” The producer finally announced and Jeongguk slumped down on the very weak looking table.
“It wasn’t that bad, was it?” Jimin chuckled and ruffled Jeongguks hair quickly. Maybe not for you, Jeongguk wanted to say, but didn’t.
“They’ll probably change the whole thing up.” He said instead.
“Who cares. The only people that matter are us and we know the truth, right?” Jeongguk had to look up at that and return Jimins smile.
“You still have that gentle soul of yours. I’m glad.” Jimin blushed over his comment.
“Did you mean everything you said today?” The older asked eventually and Jeongguk took a shaky breath. It was now or never.
“Actually, no.” Jimins face falls so quick it would have been funny in any other context. “I lied about one thing. I wasn’t with anyone ever since we broke things off, to be honest. But everything else, yes is a hundred percent true.”
“Why would you lie about that?” Jimin frowned. Jeongguk played with the strings on his ripped jeans. He felt like a kid getting scolded.
“I just didn’t want to admit the truth. It’s embarrassing.” He mumbled.
“So you are still the pretentious prick after all.” Jimins worlds cut deep and Jeongguk wasn’t expecting them at all. Like a hit right into his guts. He pushed the tears down. Now was not the time.
“No! I couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks about me. I just--- just didn’t want you to think I’m s-still hung up on us.” His cheeks were burning and he was close to reaching for the tequila bottle still standing in front of them. The pause was killing him. Each second dragging on like a year.
“Does that mean you are? Still hung up on us? After all this time.” Jimins voice was quite, soft. It felt intimate, like a secret only for the both of them to hear. Well, they still had their microphones on but who cares. Jeongguk chuckled awkwardly.
“You are not so easy to forget, Park Jimin.” There it was. It felt like Jeongguk had took a cleaver knife and opened his whole chest for Jimin to see. Now the older was staring at him in utter incredulity.
Their moment was interrupted by staff coming to take their mics off and clearing out the scene. Jeongguk and Jimin were both ushered out of the studio and into their changing room where they left their stuff. As soon as the door close behind Jeongguks back he brought his hands up to his hair to pull at it as he paced through the room. Literally what the fuck just happened today. He thought he would just lie his way through the whole thing and go back home to order some food and what Grave of the fireflies and then possibly cry for the rest of the night. He looked at himself in the mirror. Long, disheveled hair, dark rings under his eyes, skin pale. He looked just like he felt. Honestly, it was no surprise that everyone could easily see he was not over it yet. Still hurt though.
His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door.
“Yeah, I’m done, chill!” He yelled thinking it was just someone of the staff asking for him to get his ass out of there. Instead, the door opened and Jimin stepped inside. His back over his shoulder and sunglasses now tugged into his hair.
“Hey, sorry for the ambush but would you maybe like to get coffee? I think maybe we should talk. Like really talk.”
"Jeonggukie?"
"What?"
"Can we talk?"
"About?"
"I don't want this relationship anymore."
This time, Jeongguk will listen though. And he will do it right. Because really, what else is he supposed to do? Say no?
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