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When your days and nights start blending together as one, you begin to realize that there was something wrong with you. Rosa couldn’t tell what day it was anymore since nothing ever really seemed normal to her after she was released from prison. People have told her that it gets better with time, but it’s been a month and she feels the same way she did the first night she was put in that cage. She lays there in bed, staring up at through the darkness. The ceiling of her room was similar to that of her confinement cell.
A solid week she was in there for starting riots. She recalled the things she’s had to do and how they stay with her, but it’s what she needed to do in order to stay alive. Rosa had to protect herself, so becoming someone else was the only option she had even if she didn’t like that side of her. She looks over at the sleeping body laying next to her and can’t imagine what it was like for Amy when she was in there. It was the highlight of her week when Amy and Holt came to visit her and made her life seem relatively normal from before all of that.
Usually this time of night brought those memories back. She never told anyone how they affect her. Her mind is flooded by moments when she had to choose between doing something right and doing something incredibly wrong that would land her another week in solitary. While she was in there, it wasn’t exactly quiet to her like you would think. Sure, she was alone, but the distant noise of muffled shouts and arguments from across the hall and the way the guards mock the inmates for being caged like animals - it was all too real.
Rosa takes in a breath and calms her mind for a second or at least attempts to. She doesn’t want to wake Amy and have to explain that she feels empty from being in there, that while she is glad Hawkins was put away, that woman had destroyed her mentally. She can remember seeing grooves being made by past inmates chipped away at the cell wall like the cell did to them. Rosa can’t remember how many times she’s studied them, seeing the pain and every grove that was carved. It was the only form of entertainment she had other than her own imagination, but sometimes even that was a place of darkness.
She sits up in bed, running a hand through her dark curls as she decides to get something from the kitchen. Rosa is easy as she can be, trying not to disturb Amy’s sleep. The woman is a light sleeper, so it was difficult at times during nights when Rosa couldn’t get the sleep she needed in order to perform properly at work. She moves quietly through the room and down the hall, but as she places her hand on the walls to hold her steady through the darkness, everything still reminds her of the cage she was put in. Rosa knows she needs to talk to someone about it and it was offered to her like it was to Peralta, but of course she thought she could handle it.
Man, she was wrong. Depression is real. Her anxiety and paranoia about the world around her blurred from time to time even if she tried to act like everything was alright. Maybe she needed therapy, but goddamn she was stubborn. I don’t need it, thought Rosa as she retrieves a bottle of water from the fridge. I have too much to do now. Rosa thought therapy was only going to hinder her other duties and stop her from enjoying what things she could now. She thought therapy was only going to make things worse if she talked about subjects that bothered her.
There were things she hasn’t told anyone that she has done in order to stay alive and she was sure that a few of them would force Amy into leaving her. Rosa tried to tell herself that things were okay now, that she was out and Hawkins was in. She didn’t have to resort to diabolical things. There were times where Rosa had to seduce male guards in order to get things from them. It was easy most days, but if you give them an inch, they always took an extra mile. They always kept their end of the bargain if you’re willing to put down.
With that, guilt had built up on depression making it feel like she was walking with a mountain on her shoulders. Rosa makes her way back into the bedroom and she sees Amy stirring awak. She can hear little sleepy groans and her name being muttered. Amy was the only person in this world that could make her smile if she tried hard enough. Sometimes, Amy didn’t have to try at all and Rosa just believed that she is the only source of goodness in this world that she has. “Rosa,” said Amy as she turned on her side. Before her hand even touches the empty space next to her, Rosa slides into it and wraps an arm around her.
“Hey, I’m here.” Rosa whispered. “It’s three in the morning. You should go back to sleep.”
Rosa is looking at Amy with this kind of look that is only reserved for her. In the glow of the moon threading its shine between the curtain, Rosa catches Amy’s sleepy expression and chuckles softly, taking strands of hair and tucking them behind her ear. “I had a nightmare.” Amy says. Rosa had figured as much. She mentioned she had been having them while Rosa was in prison and she didn’t know how to help her. Rosa always tried helping Amy before she ever thought about helping herself. It’s what she did and it was sometimes the reason she was still alive today. Helping Amy always helped herself usually.
Turning on her side, Rosa faces Amy in the darkness and trails a tender finger down the side of her cheek. “Is it the same one as before…” she was afraid to ask. Amy’s nightmares were vivid and pretty surreal because she can tell Rosa every single detail. She had a nightmare about Rosa being killed in one of the riots she had mentioned she started, that a second inmate had stabbed her with a handmade shiv. It was grotesque because Rosa could see it happening just as easily. She was terrified during those riots, but she needed to start them in order to prove herself to the others because they hated cops.
“No. It was a different one. I had a nightmare of growing old without you.”
“They only gave me fifteen years before Hawkins was arrested.” said Rosa, trying to comfort Amy with the best of her ability. “I wouldn’t have been that old once I was released.”
“I know. But… all of that time was wasted. I want to make sure that every day counts.” Amy says and takes Rosa’s hand in hers, lacing their fingers. She kissed Rosa’s hand and all Rosa could do was stare at her. She snuggles closer as Rosa adjusts the huge comforter around them. Amy was so close, the top of her head was nestled right under Rosa’s chin. She can smell the shampoo Amy uses and it gives her a sense of comfort and peace. As long as Amy is beside her, she knows she can handle her demons. It’s going to be tough, but right now she isn’t willing to admit that she needs the help. Work was so much harder because she feels cautious and not as reckless as she used to be, but she tries to act like herself regardless to fool others. It was easier to fool them than talk to them about it. She might not ever feel like her normal self again, but for now she's okay with it.