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People. Their words sink in my skull like bullets. A hymn repeated over and over again. The water in my lungs keeps getting heavier and heavier, making it hard for me to breathe. The throbbing pain in my head won’t go away and I feel like I’m going to explode. A name… keeps digging deeper and deeper in my brain. His laugh, the memories cut my flesh like poisoned daggers. It’s never gonna leave. And god, if I don’t hate every single bit of my existence. Come to think of it, I’ll never be good enough for anyone. I can’t trust anyone, they’re still gonna hurt me in the end. That’s why I pretend I don’t care, that’s why I pretend to be full of hatred in a time when all I want is a pair of arms to keep me warm and a voice to hush my tears.
Cause deep down under my cover made of steel, I’m weak. I have emotions, so many of them.
There are so many flaws, so many mistakes that the others will never be able to see, to understand. I cannot let them see. They wouldn’t understand. After all, we all got our masks, some just have more than the others…. I want to believe that... maybe, just maybe I’m not alone, that maybe my existence is worth something, that maybe I mean something to someone. But what kind of sick person loves his own blood? What kind of sick person crawls to their chambers every night just to watch them peacefully sleeping, knowing that they will never be yours… to hold , to keep. And yes, I’ve lost my reason. Yes, I know what lies behind those lines no matter how many times I ask myself that question. Cause in the end I am no better than those creatures. In fact I’m the most vulnerable of them all. But what can I do?
Some say I was a mistake, some say that I am no match to the mighty Thor. And deep down I know they’re right, but I would never let them know. I can’t let them be right. That’s why I try every single day to prove I’m worth something. I don’t hate them actually, no. I despite them with every single bit of my soul. My burning desire to destroy them, to watch them crawl in scum and beg for their pathetic lives grows with every breath they take. No one can hate me more than I hate myself though.
And I know he’s the reason I keep on breathing. It’s actually funny that he has this control over me without even knowing it. It’s a love-hate thing that he’s not aware of yet. He keeps me alive, but at the same time he’s the reason I’m like this. And I can do everything but hate him. I know that, he knows that. He’s the only person that was able to penetrate deeper in my armor made of hatred to reveal my pain and agony. He’s the only person I couldn’t bring myself to want to destroy. That’s why it’s dangerous if I get to close. I could lose him. And I could never bear something like that.
That smile… That smile lights the room and fills the darkest dwellings with a beautiful glow that radiates from him. His smile leaves me breathless, speechless, heart pounding, deep breaths, and shaky hands. He is truly beautiful even though he’s so oblivious to the fact. The way those crinkles around his deep blue eyes would form and how those perfect white teeth would show. And those eyes… They glow with the depth of universal love, casting off stardust as a diamond casts fire and they smolder like embers of a fire in a desert night. It makes it harder for me to leave. No matter how much I’d like to stay away, I know I can’t. And right then I know that everything is gone. Every single insecurity is long forgotten in the back of my head, cause I know that he’s the only person I can be true to, the only person that can see the real me. There’s so much love in those eyes, so much care. He’s strong both physically and mentally. He’s brave and glorious, funny, beautiful, nice and charming and he doesn’t even know half of those.
And as I stand right now in front of his sleeping figure I know he’s everything I’ll ever need, but something I’ll never have.