Archive of Our Own

Parodos

"Let's have a cigarette!"

"We're not commencing a revolution, nor overthrowing the government."

"You surely live in the twenty-first century."

What a strange feeling that night there was nothing in the nightly, purple and pink sky; only navy clouds flowing by and reminding of dark shadows in your room, which looked like monsters from under the bed. No bird, no peace and no noise as if the sky was deprived of omnifarious feelings, deprived of life. Such a strange feeling to see such a bright and colorful sky in the evening that had no joy in itself - pink colors didn't suit the evening at all. The sky that was deprived of omnifarious feelings, which brought happiness to everyday life, and still looked like the sky from Claude Monet's paintings - unintelligible and proud.

"Alright then, let's have some gummies and maybe bread for dinner."

"I was thinking about beer, but it can be that way."

"Now now, there he is, a citizen of the twenty-first century."

A snort escaped his mouth and he felt the corners of his mouth twitch in amusement. 

They walked for half an hour, each step being hesitant as if they didn't know whether they wanted this moment to last just a little longer, or end as soon as it was possible. The moment of passing houses and people in suits and skirts, the moment of looking at the sky as if it could give an answer to their every question, or looking ahead as if there was shown their future. The moment of the pleasant breeze brushing their shoulders and making its way through hair and the Sun going lower and lower as if it didn't want to see their faces. None of them knew whether they wanted to relish the evening and take as much advantage of it as they could, or they wanted the evening to end already and end all that hidden suffering in words and actions. None of them knew whether they wanted to take advantage of each other's company, or already split up and go back home as fast as it was possible and forget; forget about everything and then regret it in the middle of the night. So they walked slowly, just in case. 

"You think Coach Ukai will sell us some beer?"

He kicked the stone that happened to be close to his foot and pushed his hands further in black jeans' pockets. Coach Ukai, he snorted to himself and realized that unfortunately the sound was heard by the boy, who walked beside him, because he could feel his eyes on him - studying him as if he said that he'd love to kill the president.

"Coach Ukai," he started and looked into these dark eyes, "it just sounds funny." he shrugged, and when noticed that the boy didn't look away but just kept studying him, narrowing eyes the same way he used to do it when trying to understand maths, he sighed. "It's funny to say Coach Ukai  when he's no longer our coach."

He hated it. He hated the way Hinata Shouyou's face went from huffy and taut to mild and calm as if someone just slapped him and he realized it a minute later. 

Suddenly Kageyama Tobio found the buildings and wet pavements in front of him more interesting, his eyes escaping from the gingery boy's glance as fast as antelope runs away from a hungry lion. He didn't mean to say it, he didn't mean it to sound that way but it was too late and the words already escaped his filthy mouth. Kageyama clenched his fists inside pockets, but it didn't help him feel better - it only made everything worse. If he didn't say it out loud, maybe none of them would've thought about it. Maybe the thought wouldn't have come at all and the evening would be as drab and puzzling as it was possible, and both of them wouldn't have noticed that everything already changed and nothing would be the same from now on. But the devil played with Tobio and seduced him, and then made him say those nasty words.

Nasty words, which lay on everyone's tip of the tongue since the beginning of the graduation day, but nobody let them slip away and simply ruin the mood. 

"What's his name by the way?" Hinata blurted the words out.

"You fucking serious?" he hissed in disbelief and eyed the gingery boy, who was looking ahead - his eyes foggy somehow. "All these years and you don't know his name ?"

"What?" Hinata laughed all of a sudden, and Tobio felt as if summer breeze brushed his face even though the evening was coldish. "I'm so used to saying  Coach Ukai that I don't pay attention to his name and so it just... It just went out of my head or something." Hinata scratched his nape.

"Keishin," Tobio murmured, feeling as his cheeks were getting hotter and hotter with every minute looking at Hinata's suddenly amused face. He always loved that expression - nothing but bright and joyful face as if he was a kid one more time. "You better remember that name and tattoo it on your damn forehead."

"Hey, let's do matching tattoos," Shouyou's shoulder bumped on Kageyama's one, when he vigorously turned on his heel. "You'll have  Keishin  on your wrist and I'll have Ukai ..."

Kageyama roughly shoved the gingery boy, who laughed meanwhile trying to recover his balance, and stared at him. Even though there was pout on his face as if he saw the poorest dog in the world, he felt himself grinning through the wave of grief - there were no words to describe how much he adored Hinata's laugh and smile, dear heavens, he wanted his bright face painted and then put in a frame and hang on one of his walls in house to never abandon this smile, to never abandon this joyful face, to never abandon him. His voice changed through all those years; it was no longer high and shrill as it used to be in the beginning, but way lower and manlier and more impressive. Kageyama would never admit it out loud that most of the time he was teasing Hinata because he simply felt something inside him warm up and then melt whenever the boy laughed. Sweet Zeus, he even accepted all profanity and names Hinata used to call him, when they were bantering, as long as the boy was laughing. Whether it was first grade in high school and they were mocking each other childishly, or the last grade in high school and they were sitting in the assembly hall, awaiting the end of that whole damn celebration - no matter opportunity or place, Tobio desired that damn smile on his face.

"Yeah, let's just add  Co  on your forehead and ach  on mine, and we're banned in Sakanoshita Store."

"Banned, but with a beer in hand," Hinata pointed out and nudged Kageyama with an elbow, small grin decorating his face.

"Come on, dumbass," he rolled his eyes and picked up the pace, "we don't want Ukai to close the store until we arrive."

Shouyou obediently picked up the pace and soon enough they walked side by side, their shoulders bumping each other from time to time, but Tobio took everything as a coincidence. It was just a coincidence that Shouyou's cold fingers brushed his own when they turned left, it was just a coincidence when Kageyama was speaking and Shouyou looked at him with some kind of affection as if he was hurt, just a coincidence when Tobio's eyes lingered just a minute longer on Shouyou's face, just a coincidence when they looked at the darkening sky at the same time, just a damn coincidence. Everything had always been a damn coincidence. They fucking graduated and that meant Kageyama had to leave everything behind; there was no time for more words, more common glancing at the sky or more nightly bike ridings. No more time for playing volleyball together, studying maths in his stuffy room, prattling in a classroom and being reprimanded by a teacher. No more time for mocking and cursing loudly at each other, making fun of each other or fighting in the middle of a lesson. They fucking graduated and suddenly every minute was valuable.

Tobio loosened the tie around his neck and sighed quietly. He wasn't tired, in no case! He just wasn't ready and Shouyou's presence wasn't helping him - actually, he felt as if wanted to get rid of him for that one moment, for that one second, so he could take a deep breath and clear his mind. He'd been stressed this whole morning since graduation was the only thing going on his mind, and graduation wasn't a single player - it dragged many, many things that Tobio was worried about. Dressing up, putting on a mild look on a face and tightening a tie around neck - the ritual that each of his classmates went through that morning. Then sitting stiffly on a chair, pretending to listen intently to what their principal was talking about and then getting diplomas or whatever shit they were supposed to get as a confirmation that they finished high school - they were just papers, they meant nothing to Kageyama. Some of them cried, some of them laughed and some didn't even wait for group photo and just left the building - maybe Tobio would be one of them if not brightly sobbing Hinata by his side, asking him for a tissue; maybe he would be one of them if not Tanaka squeezing him tightly in a hug, maybe he'd be one of them if not Tsukishima dragging him with himself to a group shot. Maybe Kageyama would be one of those who left without any goodbye said to his class if not  Coach Ukai staring at their class, staring at him,  while playing with a cigarette between his fingers. Instead, Tobio was one of those people who decided to smile just this one, last time in an attempt to cover their grief and disappointment.

"What is it?" he was snapped out of his thoughts by Hinata who nudged him with an elbow.

That evening, every damn minute mattered - was priceless, and Kageyama was sick of it.

"Nothing," he mumbled and quickly hid his hands in pockets. "We should've taken bikes. It'd be faster."

"Why so grumpy, huh?" Shouyou nudged him again and Tobio swore that he'd kill him if he did it one more time. "We graduated and now are on our way to get some beer from our good, old friend. You should be happy, dude!"

Tobio didn't know whether he was talking to the sky or him.

"Stop calling your past coach a friend, it's kinda disgusting," Kageyama mumbled.

"Alright, alright," Hinata sighed and rolled his eyes playfully, "I can switch to Tanaka's language and call him da..."

"Don't you dare to finish that damn sentence," Tobio warned him, but Hinata was already chuckling lightly, his shoulders shaking gently.

He hated it. He hated that he was hesitant about everything that evening. So hesitant, doubtful and undecided. Kageyama had no idea whether he should've let his eyes linger on Hinata just a minute longer since there could be no tomorrow, had no idea whether he should've let his right shoulder bump into Hinata's one and pretend that it was just a coincidence, whether he should've let himself walk side by side with him, whether he should've let himself feel his warmth, his sentiment, his breath on his shoulder when he turned to him. After all, he could act like all of this was just a coincidence, couldn't he? That's what he'd been doing since their first meeting, so there wouldn't be any difference right now, right?

"You okay, dude?" Tobio blinked as if someone rapidly woke him up from winter sleep, and found himself staring blankly at damn Hinata. "I can borrow you my jacket if you want to?" Shouyou tugged at his blue jacket with a worried smile.

"Fuck off, I'm just fine," he scoffed but the words didn't even convince himself. He could avoid the goosebumps on his arms.

"Yeah, yeah, and tomorrow you'll text me whether I'd be able to bring you some soup to bed."

Tomorrow I'll be asking myself why gods didn't stop me from ruining fucking stuff, he snorted to himself, looked away, and found himself feeling relieved that this time Hinata didn't hear his snort or pretended that he didn't.

What a strange feeling that night there was nothing in Sakanoshita Store. There was no ghost of joy, which once used to surround the building, there was no charisma in smudgy windows, no welcoming handgrip at the door. Laughter, that once used to surround the building just like crows surrounded their victim, was gone, forlorn as if it never existed before. Exclamations of glee, that once used to fill the space in front of the store just like summer coming after winter filled its grief with colors, fell as if they were a king. Honest smiles, that once used to brighten the atmosphere around Sakanoshita Store, abandoned the place just like a son once abandoned his hometown and never came back, leaving nothing but gloom. Shining with excitement eyes, that once used to roam around the building as if they had never seen the world, left the place just like the ghost of life had to leave man's body when death was knocking to their door. That babel,  that foot-stomping,  these voices,  these once exhausted and once vital faces - everything was forlorn. And Sakanoshita Store once again was just a building.

The silence that reigned in that district was more than disturbing - it was as if all black cats and ravens on metal-net fences knew what was going on and didn't want to be a part of their evening. Somewhere else people were getting drunk, somewhere else you could hear nothing but loud music that replaced every thought, somewhere else people were straying on streets - their minds either empty or riddled with thoughts, and somewhere else people were rushing to their homes just to close themselves in bedroom and cry - whether it was out of happiness or pure sadness. And somewhere else were Kageyama and Hinata, approaching Sakanoshita Store slowly, oh so slowly, that Sun going down was faster than them.

The lights were on. Of course, they had to be on, it'd be the end of the world if the lights were off. And especially on that day.

"Six cigarettes," Shouyou said with a smirk as they looked at the store.

"You kidding me," Kageyama snorted, "he already smoked that amount back in school meanwhile graduation. Seven."

"Damn, we really are little pieces of shit,  since we make him want to die sooner with all these cigarettes," Hinata laughed and put his hands in jacket's pockets.

Tobio had no idea why they were standing in front of the store as if they were prowlers wondering whether it was worthwhile to rob the place. That night there was nothing in this place - nothing that could keep them, nothing that could make them want to stay just a minute longer, nothing that could make them smile honestly, everything was washed-out and still  - they stood in front of the doors as if they were an entrance to a museum.

Tobio hated it as much as he hated that damn evening. He couldn't escape it; he couldn't escape the place, he couldn't escape the meeting with that person. That one night he couldn't escape from himself even for a moment - no matter if he cried, smiled or shouted - he couldn't.

And that was why he made a forward step and pulled the door, smirk not leaving his face even for a second. 

It was just a store. Fluorescent lamps giving bleak but enigmatic vibe, one of them flickering at the end of the store. Rows of red display racks seemed lifeless, when there were no longer familiar figures wandering between them, talking loudly, laughing and snorting, reaching their hands once for breadstuff and once for treats. Floor that once was dirty with orange juice, once with mud, was now clean as ever. The scent of youth and summer afternoon was no longer hanging in the air and instead was replaced with a scent of bitter tea.

He was there. Strict, earnest and intimidating as always, leaning against the wall and reading some magazine, his eyes being so focused on whatever he was reading that didn't notice the quiet screech doors made when Kageyama pulled them. Always acting so disparagingly as if the store was never at risk.

But right now he didn't seem as tall and bossy as he used to one week ago. His eyes didn't seem as critical and strict as they used to one week ago. It was as if he shrank down in Tobio's eyes, he was no longer that monster visiting them in the gym and being ready to kick their asses. Instead, it was as if Tobio's childish eyes finally saw the man behind that mask of a grumpy monster that once all of them used to make fun of. 

"You good, old man?" Hinata's mocking voice made Tobio escape his thoughts and focus on what was happening now. The gingery boy leaned on the counter and propped his chin on palm.

Keishin Ukai's eyes darted away from the magazine and he frowned when noticed two familiar faces staring at him expectantly as if he was about to say something. But in fact,  no  - he didn't have anything to say. Instead, he folded his magazine into a roll and came closer to the counter just to swat Hinata's head with it - laughter that escaped boy's mouth and was followed by a hiss made Kageyama cross his arms on chest and smirk.

"And what was that for?! I didn't miss the ball, did I?"

"No, you hit it perfectly."

"Then Kageyama deserves one swat too," Hinata chuckled and wiggled his eyebrows while he looked at Kageyama, who still stood behind him as if he was a child hiding behind mother's back.

"Fuck off," he rolled his eyes playfully and bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from a stupid grin that wanted to paint his face.

"What are you still doing here?" Ukai put his hands on the counter and leaned across as if they were playing bridge.

"What, we can't visit our past coach and grab some stuff by the way?"

"Seems so much like you," Ukai snorted sarcastically, but Hinata was already making his way toward the shop fridge with drinks.

And Kageyama was left with his arms crossed on chest and Keishin staring at him inexplicably. He hated Shouyou, he hated him so much that he could write it on every building in this goddamn town. He came closer to the counter and hid his hands in pockets, because of suddenly feeling unsure about his posture. His eyes followed Hinata, because they couldn't linger on Ukai's face longer than one second and he had no idea why it was like that; he had no idea why it was so hard to look at Ukai right at this moment, why it was damn hard to say anything, when his mouth should be like a waterfall of words when they didn't have much time. And right at this moment of awkward and never-ending silence, Keishin asked him that question from the pot of million suitable for the situation questions.

"Wasted youth?"

And Tobio didn't know what to answer. His eyes shyly met Ukai's ones, and he realized that there wasn't much to say. He could see wrinkles on his forehead and tired look on the face that was hidden so well behind the mask of a stable man, who just run a store. Kageyama wasn't sure how old he was and didn't even want to, but one thing was sure and it was the fact that he looked way older than intended. The zest of life, that the man had in his mouth, was making a good contrast with the cigarette between his teeth, which every time made him look like a veteran. From the look on his face, Tobio wasn't sure whether he asked himself or him.

"No, not really," he finally murmured and looked at Hinata once again, finding nothing but pleasant stillness. How could he know the answer to that question? He just graduated, didn't even have a glimpse of adult life, and was about to answer the question every senior asked themself at least once in a lifetime?

"There was a time," Kageyama heard Ukai's gloomy voice and uneasily turned his head, staring into Keishin's unintelligible eyes, which were eyeing his rolled-up sleeves, "when I thought I had everything. I was a damn teenager, who thought he had the whole world in his hands, and was too afraid to take any step forward because I fucking thought that I was gonna lose everything if I say this and that, do this and that. A fucking brat," he smirked to himself and reached for his pack of cigarettes in a pocket. "You better not be that damned brat, who lost everything the same day he decided not to take any step forward." 

Kageyama watched in silence as Ukai kept playing with his pack of cigarettes as if not sure whether it was the right time to smoke, whether he needed that one cigarette between his teeth at that moment. It felt as if he was fading away, thoughts running miles and miles in his head, which seemed to be so empty and still just a moment ago. He felt as if he wasn't supposed to be there - leaning against the counter, his arms sweating under the white shirt, listening to some kind of a private story even though he wasn't related to this man and had nothing in common with him except volleyball and dillydallying about life and nasty people. Tobio felt as if he wasn't supposed to listen to Ukai's monolog - it was unlikely to hear him saying such words, to hear him saying something that seemed to be personal in some way. You could always have a beer with Ukai, smoke a cigarette with him and curse your enemies, but when it came to personal conversations - the man didn't seem like an open person who would, even after a solid dose of alcohol, reveal his secrets or share some eye-opening stories from his youth. 

"What's that? A life lesson? Damn, coach, I didn't expect something like that from  you !" Hinata giggled as he approached them with two cold cans of beer, which he put on the counter.

Ukai blinked twice as if he was woken up from sleep and had no idea why he was gripping his pack of cigarettes - to be honest, Kageyama started believing that the man actually had his cigarettes under a pillow on his bed after Daichi made a joke about that once. He looked up at the boys and it seemed as if something disappeared from his face, something that Kageyama saw for the first time and as soon as it showed that soon it was gone, the man already frowning like a geezer. 

"You better not be that damned bastard too," he snorted while looking at Shouyou, and then his glare moved to the cans of beer, "you expect me to sell you this shit?" he arched an eyebrow and Kageyama only watched Hinata's playful smirk. "Well then, you're damn right then, but this is the first and the last time. It's only because you've just graduated and you annoy me so much that I wish you the worst."

The man sighed deeply and took the first can in his hand, and Hinata let out a brief laugh, his shoulder bumping Kageyama's one. Tobio didn't like beer and especially the smell of it and that was why he decided to drink one that night.

"Don't worry sir, we gonna be as civil as we've been this whole year."

"And that's what I'm worried about."

"I bet you, coach," Hinata started when propped his elbows on the counter, "that one day I'm gonna show up here and we gonna drink whiskey with coca-cola, and reminisce about good old days. I don't know what about Tobio, but that sure sounds like his thing."

"Believe me, coach, that the last thing I'd like to do is to drink whiskey with you and that idiot, and reminisce good old days. Watching birds in a birdhouse sure sounds like my thing."

The man only rolled his eyes in discouragement and took the second beer in his hand. The boys knew that expression perfectly - the roll of his eyes, then the frown and in the end a little pout that meant nothing but exhaustion, and well - they couldn't blame him for such expression on his face; they'd be damn tired after dealing with two fighting cats, which once used to show no affection toward each other, after so many years. 

"Don't," Keishin said firmly to them, when he noticed he boys were fumbling in their pockets for money, "on the house, this one time."

A humble smirk painted Hinata's face. "Thank you, sir," he took a backward step and bowed slightly, and Kageyama just nodded in silence, "but we all know that it's not the first time and maybe not the last time. I probably still have those buns in my backpack..."

"Jesus, that's fucking gross," Kageyama twisted his mouth in disgust and then bit the inside of his cheek, "I'm sorry, I'll watch my language next ti..."

"No, you're right," Ukai jumped in meanwhile Tobio's apology, "it's fucking gross. Please, do your mother a favor and throw it away before you move away."

"Will do, coach," Hinata answered as if he was in hurry and Kageyama frowned when noticed that the smirk, which was glued to his face blanched a bit.

Move away. The words resonated in Tobio's ears even though they weren't referred to him. Move away like everything, like Sakanoshita Store, like the gym, like biking to home after tough training, the desk he sat by, exhausting maths lessons with panting Hinata right next to him because he didn't understand particular exercise, all the people he met and who loved to send him up as well as loved to irritate him just to see his shy and uncertain smile right after.

"What are you going to do?" a simple question that flew out of the gingery boy's mouth sent shivers down Kageyama's spine; he hated this question as much as he loved feeling sweat on his nape after a tough workout. He focused on Hinata's fingers tapping on cold beer, uneasy rhythm making everything even worse. 

Ukai looked at them as he crossed his arms on chest and leaned against the wall behind him, his head tilted a bit as if he wasn't sure whether Shouyou's question was serious. 

"Work. Someone has to run this place."

"Yeah, but... Aren't you going to, like, take care of another team? You know, coach, volleyball is not dying with us, actually it's the opposite."

"He means whether you don't want to train another team that'll probably gather in the next year." Kageyama jumped in with a shrug.

"I know what he means, Kageyama. I just don't think I'll be able to do that next year," he grabbed the pack of cigarettes from the counter and started playing with it with his one hand. "Fucking god, it still impresses me how things can change so fast."

"For good or for bad?" he heard himself asking before he could bite his tongue.

The silence that appeared in the store seemed to last for hours if not years, and the air suddenly became arduous. Hinata seemed to be somewhere between his thoughts, his fingers tracing the lid of can and eyes narrowed, Ukai seemed to think about the right answer, his fingers playing with the white pack of cigarettes and eyes focused on the boys behind the counter, and Kageyama? Kageyama only counted seconds as if the death wish, he said out loud two years ago before maths exam, was now about to become true. Everything was so sensitive, so fragile that evening as ever, and every word was a measure of feather's light brush.

"The hell, if I only knew."

"I'm glad you, sir, didn't show such motivation back in the gym," Hinata snorted with a playful smirk on face and passed Tobio a can of beer.

Hinata. Hinata and his ability to interrupt a moment of silent grief hanging in the air.

"You better get the fuck out of here," Ukai snorted and firmly looked at them, even though in his eyes was hidden something that kept whispering to them to stay just a little longer. "First Daichi, Sugawara, Asahi and now you.  Damn  Karasuno, they want me to go white sooner than soon ."

Kageyama felt as Hinata went stiff beside him and so he looked at him, his hands somehow sweating without any particular reason. It seemed as if Shouyou was forcing himself to smile, to smile this one last time and not ruin the evening, but his attempts were poor and he quickly gave up - longing covering his face, making his eyes go wide. He realized it; he realized what Tobio had realized many weeks before and it hit him the same way a bullet hit the bird swinging in the air. 

Now, there was no way back - they couldn't turn back to these days in school, in the gym, in another city waiting for a competition to start. Everything was passing away, things were changing and none of them knew whether for good or bad, and they had to live with those thoughts and memories, and nobody and nothing cared whether they felt good with them or anxious.

Shouyou abruptly bowed, his beer hitting his knee forcefully that it almost sounded like a bone broke, and Kageyama looked knowingly at the man behind the counter as if asking to bring that gingery idiot to heel. And when he was about to open his mouth, Hinata spoke, his voice firm with a glimpse of dolorousness.

"Thank you, coach."

First two words, which could describe the whole world and the whole adventure they went through together as a team. There was no proper way to thank the man in front of them for what he did for them, what he gave them and how changed some aspects of their life. A simple thank you seemed too petty and effortless, but on the other hand, there was no other way they could properly thank their coach for being there with them and trying his best to train them properly, so they could move up in the world on their own and show what a great men and players they became; for being there with them and wasting his time for volleyball, when he could stay in Sakanoshita Store and doesn't care about silly, young boys who liked to play volleyball in their free time. For being there with them and motivating them whenever they needed this - and even though their coach wasn't good at words at all, he spoke very well through actions. After all, they all were just humans, who were trying to find themselves in the world, no matter social standing, appearance or family bonds.

Kageyama no longer hesitated to bow. He felt an unknown shiver going down his spine and considered borrowing Hinata's jacket after exiting Sakanoshita Store.

"You better act in life the same way you act on a volleyball court or I'll kick your asses," Ukai grumbled, and Kageyama noticed in the corner of his eye that Hinata's shoulders slightly shook in a giggle.

They straightened up and saw the man struggling with taking a cigarette out of the white pack. Keishin really tried his best not to look pathetic that evening and, well, Tobio could relate to him. But how could he blame him? He was a man behind that mask of volleyball coach, and whether he wanted or not - he had things to struggle with, which were related to own feelings, concern, and experience.

The only difference between them was that they coped with that evening in their way. 

And Tobio swore that his fingers became white from gripping the can of beer a long time ago. 

"Have a good evening, coach," Hinata said meekly and took a backward step, his feet moving hesitantly as if he wasn't sure whether he wanted to leave the store or stay just a little longer. And again - Kageyama couldn't blame him, since he felt the same way; only heavens knew what was going to happen after they leave the store and start walking their paths - paths that seemed to be uncertain, unintelligible and disturbing in their own way.

"Yeah, have a good evening, coach," Tobio jumped in and turned on his heel, not wanting to look at Ukai's face any longer. 

And dear heavens, how grateful he was when heard Shouyou's steps behind him, giving a sign that he followed him and no longer could stand the sore, the counter and the man behind it. It was as if the air thickened and changed the ambiance - making the place unbearable.

Kageyama kept the door open for Hinata and waited for the boy to cross the doorstep since he didn't want to be the first one to leave the store. He thought that if he crossed the doorstep first, a wave of guilt, that he was abandoning, would wash him over, and that'd only make his hands sweat and heart pound faster in his chest. He thought it'd make the burden he carried with himself only incriminate him even more. He thought that feeling, which was wrapped around him, would only tighten its manacles and squeeze his throat even harder, that he'd let out those damn pathetic tears, which he kept for the entire evening. 

But after all, he felt nothing. When he closed the door to Sakanoshita Store and felt the first light waft of pleasantly cold wind, he felt nothing. When he joined Hinata and playfully punched his shoulder with his fist, he felt nothing. Tobio was prepared for some firm grip around his heart, some deep sigh escaping his mouth and showing nothing but the exhaustion he carried with himself for the whole day, some tear going down Shouyou's slightly pink cheek. To his surprise, he was met with nothing but a pervasive feeling of emptiness as if he was an old bird swinging in the air.

And when they started walking, drawing away from Sakanoshita Store, Tobio Kageyama knew that the image, he caught in the corner of his eye, of Keishin Ukai struggling with a cigarette lighter to light a cigarette between his teeth, would stay with him till his death, no matter how hard he'd try to get rid of it.

Epeisodion

What a strange feeling it was to be led by Shouyou Hinata when he was always the one leading. It always felt as if Hinata was following him - going beside him whenever he wanted to take a break from training and go buy Capri-sun juice, asking him for plans for a weekend, joining him on his bike when Kageyama was on his way back home. As if Hinata was always beside him, always somewhere near him, somewhere close to him even if they happened to be in a stuffy crowd. As if Hinata's shoulder always brushed against his, making the goosebumps appear on his forearms for a second. As if Hinata's voice was always pounding in his ears, even if he wasn't in the same room he was. Back then, Kageyama didn't pay as much attention to those details as he started when high school was about to end. Back then, Hinata just was and Tobio didn't even think for a moment that one day he'd be gone. Back then, Hinata just was and Kageyama wished he could go back in time and gather himself together to tell him how grateful he was for his simple presence.

He said he knew a place.  And Kageyama didn't ask for details. That one last evening they were about to spend together, he decided to let himself be led by the gingery boy. The others were probably eating pizza in some pizza parlor as they had planned the day before, but as much Tobio secretly liked all his teammates, that much he wasn't in a mood for a  friendly gathering. And he'd probably spend that evening on his bed, staring at the dark ceiling and having once positive thoughts, once brooding, if not damn Shouyou who asked him whether he wanted to go to someplace with him. And, well, he did agree because he was Tobio Kageyama for whom every minute of that last day was valuable. 

"I'll buy myself a mug with a picture of Karasuno after my first salary," Hinata said all of a sudden without any context as they kept walking.

"What a waste of money it'll be," Kageyama sighed playfully as he stared into a purple sky, navy blue clouds slowly swimming on it. 

"What a waste of money it'll be, blah blah," the boy sent him up, a devilish grin decorating his face, "look at me, I'm being Tobio Kageyama, so edgy  and mature ."

Kageyama pushed the boy so he missed his footing and fell off the curb with a giggle. "And what, you just gonna drink morning coffee in it? Your tongue licking our heads? Drooling on Ukai's hea..."

"Fuck, ew, stop it," Shouyou hissed and grimaced, his beer coming into touch with Tobio's knuckles what sent shivers down his spine, since the beer was still cold. "I was thinking about that mug... You know, the one which shows an image when there's a warm drink inside it, and the image disappears when the mug becomes colder. That'd be some cool shit!"

"Okay then, I hope you drink more cold beverages than hot ones."

"For this mug, I'll start drinking only tea and coffee. And definitely will eat ramen in it."

"On our first and the earliest meeting, I'm breaking this mug and saying whoopsy. "

The streets were empty as if people heard in the news that the end of the world was about to happen that night and decided to stay at home with their relatives. The birds stopped chippering a long time ago, the Sun was on the edge of disappearing and street lamps were coming to life - enlightening dark pavements and people's backyards. Everything was so calm and quiet, and at the same time so disturbing and worrisome as if the world couldn't decide which side of itself wanted to show that evening. 

The district reminded of a postapocalyptic city that usually appeared in books or movies, where some cataclysm or zombies out of nowhere ruined, what seemed like, world. The houses seemed to be abandoned, even though some windows were illuminated by orange lamps, there were not that many street lamps in comparison to how the pavements around Sakanoshita Store were illuminated, and the only thing that was missing there was a lonely, black cat straying on a narrow road. Their footsteps sounded like a hit on a drum among this hum of cars shuttling few streets away and singing crickets. The longer they walked, the more Kageyama's shoulders were shaking because of impolite wind caressing his skin, and with every minute he was getting more impatient because, dear god,  how far away could the place be?

"Here we are," Shouyou suddenly announced. "Unfortunately no McDonald's on the way."

Tobio frowned at him and then looked at the chain-link fence in front of them - rust settled on it made Kageyama wonder whether it could stay on his fingers forever if he touched it. The horrible scent of green walnuts reached him at the same moment when he noticed a yellow sign, hung on the fence, saying that it was a Private Property, No Trespassing. He turned his head to see Shouyou's amused face and found himself narrowing his eyes.

"That's trespassing."

"Not really," Hinata scratched his nape, "it's just unannounced  visitation."

"It's trespassing."

Shouyou kept staring at him for what seemed like hours, his fingers tapping on the cold beer in his left hand, until he simply shrugged and turned on his heal. 

"You surely live in the twenty-first century."

Kageyama rolled his eyes; he really wished he had a hammer in his hand at that moment.

He looked to his right and left, and well - it maybe was trespassing, but not when nobody saw you, right? Who would catch them? Who would notice them in this darkness? This damn place was dead  - no person in a sight, no black hound in a sight or even single camera pole. Someone could only hear them, hear the rustle of their shoes or the creak of chain-link fence, but before they could call them they'd be already gone on the other side of the fence. Tobio sighed as he watched Hinata climb on not that high, creaky fence, his beer resting in jacket's pocket and waiting to be already open. 

His fingers would probably stink, his shirt would probably get a bit dirty, his conscience would probably blame him for five, if not four, minutes and his mother would probably be disappointed and his dead grandmother buried deep down in ground wouldn't be glad if she saw him right now.

But regardless of those things, Kageyama threw his beer over the fence and started climbing on it. 

Stasimon

His fingers did stink for about five minutes, his shirt didn't get dirty but a bit rumpled, his conscience did blame him for less than two minutes and he could sense his mother's eyes on his back as if she was there with them, but he didn't care about any of these things when he had grinning Shouyou in front of him - passing him his beer.

The territory on the other side of the chain-link fence seemed to be someplace for a power plant or sewage plant, and Kageyama wouldn't be surprised if the stench of wastewater or burning animal would reach his nose. But he was met with neither sewage nor carcass; instead, among reigning dusk, Tobio could pick the shapes of high, massive buildings out, humming and buzzing pretty loud. Kageyama had no idea what kind of machines were inside those steel buildings, which probably created some small compound or construction company, but he hoped they were working of their own accord and no people were maneuvering them. The whole territory was so dark, because of trees surrounding the buildings and so covering few street lamps that were placed on a narrow, footworn path leading to those buildings as well as leading somewhere between thick trees. He followed Hinata who turned on his heel and followed the path as if it was his home, dry grass crunching under their shoes and crickets stilling the farther they went.

The wind that kept caressing Kageyama's skin was no longer pleasant - it was irritating and poignant, and the cold was only causing goosebumps on his forearms and difficulties with thinking rationally - because how could you focus on things around you, when chill kept reminding you of its existence and how freaking cold it was outside. The Sun already set and purple-pink colors on the sky were slowly turning into darker ones, almost black, clouds barely visible. Kageyama kept wondering where was the entrance to any of those buildings since it seemed as if they encircled the whole compound and still - there was no sign, no dazzling lamp which could state the entrance. The longer they walked, the more trees surrounded them as if dissociating them from the world, and Tobio thought for a moment that Hinata simply wanted to murder him and that whole beer and  I know a nice place was just a cover, and he fell for it.

"I hope we didn't teleport to Stranger Things world and Russians aren't spying on us," he groaned when the buildings finally disappeared from his sight and were replaced by... Well, it looked like some open space between thick trees.

"Not this time, dude," Shouyou answered with a humble smile, which Kageyama barely noticed among this darkness.

Kageyama trusted him, so he didn't ask any questions and decided to be led by him since it looked like the gingery boy knew what was doing. And, well, that's why Tobio could easily get killed - his faith, when it came to Hinata, was unrestricted and he'd believe the boy even if there was some bulge in his pocket and he said that he didn't have a knife with himself.

Then suddenly the world got lighter as if someone switched on a lamp, and Kageyama could see the ground he was stepping on again. He blinked twice and wondered if maybe he had some scotoma whole that time, which finally healed itself and he was able to see properly again, but no . No, it wasn't either scotoma or lamp being switched on - it was just an open space between trees, on which both of them happened to appear, which revealed some kind of spectacular view for Tobio. A few steps ahead of him was the same chain-link fence that fenced the territory off - closing it - and revealing the world behind it. Kageyama came closer to the fence and blinked twice, thrice until his eyes got used to the sudden dimness of the world, not complete darkness. 

The buildings, as well as whole territory, were on some kind of hillock and from the place where Tobio stood the next district of that damn town was visible; all houses being so tiny, cars reminding of working ants, and street lamps were just small dots that reflected in Kageyama's dark eyes. The darkening sky and almost black clouds created a marvelous view, which looked as if was painted by Claude Monet. The longer he stared into that world through the chain-link fence, the more it seemed to be quiet there, gentle and deliberate as if never saw violence and strong language. It was as if the time decided to have mercy on Tobio and slowed down, let him relish the moment of stillness and quietude, let him forget about the chill which mercilessly kept sending shivers down his spine, let him forget about tomorrow just for this one second. And that's what he needed - to go far away from his thoughts about tomorrow's morning, tomorrow's breakfast and tomorrow's evening; to go far away from his home, from the gym, from volleyball. He enjoyed the emptiness in his mind which appeared for a damn second, and he'd relish it, let it overwhelm him, if not something awfully cold that touched his nape.

Kageyama hissed and his fingers immediately found the cold skin, frown deepening on his face. He abruptly turned and nearly yelled, when saw grinning Hinata behind him, being the devil he was through all years of high school, who played with his beer - passing it from one hand to the other. He rubbed his nape to get rid of unpleasant shivers and groaned out of sourness.

"If I knew you were such a daydreamer, I'd bring you here sooner," Hinata said mockingly and grunted when he collapsed on a thick root. 

"What the fuck is even  this  place?" Kageyama looked around once again, his eyes lingering on high branches as if looking for staring at them owls.

"I found it by accident," Shouyou shrugged as he leaned against the tree, stretching his legs and playing with beer's lid.

Tobio joined him and sat almost next to him, his thighs almost brushing, and hunched over - his forearms resting on knees, which he brought to his chest. He tilted his head, so he had a better view of Shouyou's thoughtful face and tapped his fingers on the can of beer; he knew that Hinata had something on his tongue that didn't want to slip off, he saw that on his face - those untold words, which he wanted to forcefully draw out of his mouth, those words choking inside him as if Shouyou was wondering whether he should summon them up. And as much Kageyama wanted to growl at him to spit it out already, that much he wanted to give him time, since he knew how it felt to have that dilemma whether you wanted to say something or better hide it for yourself.

So he let him take his time and simply stared into his face - being barely visible because of reigning dusk. 

Shapes of branches above their heads making shadows on their clothes, street lamps reflecting in their eyes, which reminded of lightning bugs in that dimness, the hum of cars in the town being muffled and wind brushing against their skin - making their hair winnow and trousers sough on the ground. Tobio's eyes wandered from Shouyou's face to the chain-link fence and he stared into falling asleep town - fewer cars appearing on roads from minute to minute, the sound of people screaming out of amusement stilling. Everything was dying off. Everything was dying off that way every day, and Tobio wasn't even aware of that because when you closed yourself in a room after you got home, you didn't have much of a chance to watch the town slowly fall asleep. And he had to admit, that a view of the town dying off was somehow spectacular and especially in that place; watching everything going quiet, lifeless, just to be awoken in the upcoming morning - a routine to which Kageyama didn't pay attention before.

"I was pissed off."

Shouyou's voice quickly brought Kageyama's attention, whose head almost immediately turned to him. The gingery boy wasn't looking at him - his eyes were wandering somewhere between tiny houses down below, and Tobio couldn't get his eyes off Shouyou's cheekbones, which were tense as if the boy was biting the inside of cheeks. 

"At myself. I was pissed off at myself. It was a random day, you know... School, then volleyball and dinner at home. Such a normal day, nothing special and nothing new. And that pissed me off," he chuckled nervously as his head bumped on the tree he was leaning on. "Don't think that I'm pathetic or childish but I kinda felt useless, you know. Everyone thought of me as a happy, cheerful boy because I rarely showed rage or sadness, or whatever, and that's why one day I was just done with everything. I was so pissed off at myself, that I got on my bike and rode wherever the hell it led me. That's how I found this place. I left it by the yellow sign you noticed and actually wanted the police or locals to find me, so I could yell at them how damn mad I was at myself. Unluckily neither the police nor locals found me, and I found myself here," he nodded at something in front of him, "biting my arm and kicking rocks on the ground."

Kageyama stared at him for a good moment, which seemed like an eternity, before the sound of opening can brought him back to life; his eyes wandered to Shouyou's fingers squeezing the beer and then back to his eyes, which were still eyeing something far away in front of him. Even though the boy had a humble smile on his face, it wasn't one of those smiles which brightened Kageyama's day and made him appreciate him more;  there was a glimpse of grief in the smile, which reminded of that low sound of a piano keyboard, which a pianist always made at the end of an etude.

"There he was, Hinata Shouyou,  that bright, motivating guy who once decided not to motivate others and actually fuck it all for goddamn hell's sake,  and you know what? It felt great," he laughed and took a sip of his beer.

"Why were you pissed off at yourself?" Kageyama simply asked, frowning at the boy while he tried his best in analyzing Hinata's words.

"It's funny that you're the one asking me that," Hinata playfully wiggled his eyebrows and nudged Tobio in the side with his elbow. 

Tobio pushed his elbow away with a discouraged groan but didn't stand back from him, nay! He took advantage of a moment when Shouyou took a sip of beer, looking at the chain-link fence in front of him, and scooted closer to him; their thighs touching each other gave Kageyama some kind of assurance that Hinata was there with him and that he was safe and sound beside him. He knew that tomorrow morning he'd be embarrassed when he reminded himself those thoughts, but for that moment he let himself relish those warm feelings.

It was all true what Shouyou said. Everyone looked at him like cheerful, motivating and pugnacious around the clock boy,  who loved to get in fights with Kageyama. Hell, Kageyama himself had the same first impression on him and he'd probably look at him that way till the end of high school, if he didn't start observing him - first, out of curiosity, then out of admiration. Shouyou was that kind of person who wanted to cheer his teammates on - no matter they were losing or winning - and motivate them to serve and hit that damn ball, and it was irritating Tobio at first; those constant warm words and his hands curled into fists raising and waving as if he wanted to reach goddamn heaven - Kageyama truly hated that and wished Hinata could sit on a chair and wait for his turn. But the more he worked with the gingery boy, the more he got to know his character, his persona  - there had to be something behind that mask of a slightly competitive, cheerful and positive player. He couldn't be all happy and pugnacious all the time, could he? Kageyama didn't believe him, started doubting that mask he wore, and it was simply pissing him off that he wasn't able to discover the true   Hinata.

Because when he started getting used to Shouyou's motivating ass, something started changing in his behavior - his grimace and scowl were rarely showing and Tobio started paying attention to what the gingery boy was saying, those words getting to him finally after what seemed like ages. He would no longer scowl or glare at Hinata whenever he was preparing to serve a ball, he'd no longer hiss and pray to fucking gods to make him stop clenching his fists in anticipation, he'd no longer curse or send a disgusted look toward the boy, when the ball was perfectly sent to the other side of a volleyball net. 

Instead all of that, there was that one time when he gave him a high five, and unpleasant goosebumps appeared on his skin when Hinata let out a quiet gasp.

One time, which turned into a routine, Hinata's hand coming into touch with Kageyama's hand way too often - what he didn't mind at all.

And so it started pissing Tobio off, that he couldn't take off Hinata's mask and see what was behind it. His observations led him to that thesis, that Shouyou was one of those people who wore a mask on their face - he wasn't truly himself on a volleyball court as well as in other places.

Hinata Shouyou, such an honest man full of positivity and enthusiasm, you'd think. Gaining his confidence and shining with zeal.

Kageyama wished it was pure truth.

"Don't compare my rage to yours," he said firmly when his fingers opened the beer he held between knees.

"You doubted yourself many times, dude. You know how it feels."

"I'm not the only one and so aren't you. There are billions of people doubting themselves every day, but the most important thing is how they deal with it. Doubt."

"Christ, you probably followed some psychological advice,  when I kicked damn rocks on the ground," Hinata chuckled and finally looked at him meanwhile taking a sip of his beer.

Shouyou's eyes were fabulous. They were damn gorgeous and wonderful, and Kageyama wondered why he never told him that.  The way street lamps reflected in them, the way they shined a bit in that darkness, the way they reminded of some ocean full of multiflora herb honey in which you could drown with pleasure. As much as he loved staring into them and pretending that there was nothing deep in his stare, that much he hated those gentle but firm eyes. He didn't know how much time he had for himself to relish them before they'd be gone, before they'd leave him with nothing but guilt. As much as he loved when Hinata wore that calm look on his face, eyes being so smooth and gentle, that much he hated when his attention was on him  - it always made him confused and unsure of his actions, because he always wanted more and always wanted less.

Shouyou's eyes were fabulous and he wished he wasn't a damn coward.

"You didn't answer my question, idiot," he mumbled as he looked away and tried to make himself tiny by wrapping arms around his body, because of acute chill surrounding him as if he was an enemy.

"Oh my god, you're such a dumbass," Hinata sighed as if he was a disappointed mother, and Kageyama only heard him shifting since he was unwilling to look at him - his thigh brushing even more against his and making his mind go slightly jellylike.  Maybe Tobio wasn't as mature as he thought.

And then, Kageyama regretted the decision of not looking at the gingery boy when he was shifting, because maybe he could stop his hands from touching him. He immediately looked to his left as if he heard a gunshot, when pleasantly warm material appeared on his back all of a sudden and covered his shivering body. Well, Hinata's jacket wasn't the most uncomfortable thing - it was his hands, which reassuringly patted him when he finally positioned the jacket on Tobio's back, which almost fitted him perfectly. Those hands were extremely gentle for somebody who played volleyball as if his life depended on it. Those hands were smooth in their movements. Those hands were warm and welcoming, and Kageyama wanted them to stay, wanted them to linger on his shoulders just a little longer. 

But as soon as Hinata scooted to Kageyama to put his jacket on him, that soon he was backing away, returning to his previous position - his back leaning on the cold tree. And Tobio wanted to whine, Tobio wanted to growl and hiss, because Hinata's closeness was all he needed and would warm him up even better than his goddamn jacket. He wanted to tell him that he wouldn't mind him leaning on his shoulder, wouldn't mind his head pressing to his shoulder, wouldn't mind his hot breath on his forearm. He wanted to draw him closer, set him back from that cold tree.

But instead, he relished the tingly feeling of their knees bumping when Hinata sat with his back to the tree and his front to Kageyama - his legs stretched out and arms crossed on chest, and a devilish smirk painting his face.

"I didn't need that, you should've calmed down your empathy," was all he murmured before he put the beer on the ground and put the jacket on so it was no longer a cape on his back.

"I told you," Hinata shrugged, his eyes wandering somewhere between Kageyama's hands and his face, "I just... Felt useless. Needless. And what's the most important, helpless. I was so damn helpless that it pissed me off."

"What do you mean by saying helpless?" Kageyama frowned at him and then took a sip of his beer - still looking at him.

Shouyou chuckled lightly, his shoulders barely shaking as if the chuckle was forced. "High school ended, you know, and it seems like an old case of which I tried to get rid of."

"Talk, you idiot," Kageyama growled under his breath and tightened his fingers around can even more.  Talk, you idiot, because I'm not sure how soon we'll meet each other again, the thought rang in his head.

The gingery boy shifted just slightly and let his leg slide under Tobio's leg, his eyes immediately wandering toward the town.  Give him time, give him the time he needs, Kageyama tried to calm himself down, anticipation to hear untold words spilling from Hinata's mouth growing bigger and bigger, and making his foot bob nervously on the ground. He let the slightly bitter and raspberry flavor of the beer busy him for the time Hinata was, probably, thinking about how he could say not too much but also not too few.

"It's just... The lack of confidence fucked some things up, brought me here," he shrugged and, well, Kageyama expected something more, more words which could explain the unintelligible look on Hinata's face.

"Lack of confidence? What lack of confidence ?" Tobio snorted. "You've always been the first one to do literally whatever. Well, the first one after Nihishinoya and Tanaka, those idiots were unbeatable when it came to doing dumb things. Any volunteer to solve that math problem? Hinata Shouyou, even though he's a total moron. Any volunteer to assist me in this chemical experiment? Hinata Shouyou's hand in the air, even though he knows no shit about chemistry. Any volunteer to read that poem since my throat's a bit sore?  Hinata Shouyou, even though he knows no shit  about not  laughing meanwhile reading something out loud to the class." Kageyama counted on his fingers, and Hinata's eyes were on him that whole time. "Always Hinata Shouyou,  if not Tanaka or Nishinoya, ready to make a fool of himself and entertain everyone..."

"It's not confidence,"  Shouyou interrupted him abruptly, "it's called being a total imbecile ."

Tobio snorted and rolled his eyes. "I've always seen this damn boldness in you and it's always been my first reason why I hate you."

"What d'you mean?" Shouyou chuckled, but the sound was muffled by the can of beer.

 "Jealousy, heard of it?" he snapped at him and looked away, immediately taking a sip of his beer after the words finally escaped his mouth.

"Tobio Kageyama jealous of me?  Me?  That little prick? Jesus, sounds like a compliment," Shouyou laughed this time and that sent shivers down Kageyama's spine, who was suddenly glad that he had the boy's jacket covering his back. He was so used to hearing Shouyou making fun of him that no new taunt could hurt him. "Why have you been jealous of me, ha?"

Why?  Fucking hell, if he only knew himself. Simply, he was always jealous of his ability to talk to new people and make friends with them, he's always been jealous of his motivation when it came to volleyball and how he could encourage his teammates to fight for those points; jealous of that openness, jealous of that encouraging smile he could only dream about, jealous of that charming personality and jealous of those eyes which could be printed in somebody's memory if they stared into them for too long. He admired him, sometimes followed his example and at the same time was so jealous of him. 

But what he hated the most was that jealousy which affected other aspects besides Hinata himself. Being jealous of someone who had a silly opportunity to hug him, no matter it was just a bro hug, being jealous of someone who had an opportunity to ruffle his hair, even though it was just mocking and playful gesture to displease him, being jealous of someone who had an opportunity to laugh blithely with him as if the Sun was never going to set. Being childishly jealous of such minor and humble gestures, because he always wanted to feel bold and make the first steps towards those minor gestures, and not stay hidden, waiting for the miracle to happen. 

Because sometimes Tobio wished that there was something more in those scoffing actions such as grabbing the gingery hair for a second just to ruffle it, when Hinata made a mistake meanwhile playing volleyball, something more in those playful actions such as poking him in the side when they were fighting, something more in those childish arguments, whether it was on a volleyball court or in a classroom, or in Hinata's room, something more in Shouyou's childish behavior when he stuck out his tongue at Kageyama just to piss off the boy, something more in those sleepless nights, when Tobio was helping, or trying to, Hinata with his homework - those study sessions always ending on casual talking through phone until Shouyou would yawn without a break, something more in those times when Kageyama appeared by Hinata's door to his house, just to hang out. He always wished there was something more in the way Hinata looked at him, he always wished there was something more in Hinata's behavior, he always wished the feeling was damn mutual.

But it wasn't. It never was and never would be, because he was Tobio Kageyama. He wasn't enough for Shouyou, who probably looked at someone else the same way he looked at him.

"I don't know, I was a teenager," he answered shortly and shook the can in his hand.

"Being a teenager was the worst time of my life, I swear," Hinata sighed as his head bumped on the tree behind him, and sipped the beer.

"You've just finished  high school  and yet you're talking as if you were an old man, stop that."

"What? Just sayin' the truth. The things I was struggling with meanwhile my teenage years ... I'd love to forget about them."

"Then imagine how many things are waiting for you in your new adult life. "

"Oh, look at me! I'm sir Tobio Kageyama, the complainer and fun's destroyer," Hinata rolled his eyes and smirked at the frowning boy next to him.

"Choke on that beer," Tobio snapped at him, the devilish smirk on gingery's boy face making him grab the boy's leg, that was under his thigh, and pushed him over.

Hinata let out a choked giggle before he toppled and grunted when his back hit the hard and cold ground, one of his leg holding to the thick root meanwhile the other landed on the ground as well as his beer. The gingery boy quickly raised himself on elbows and grabbed the can, whining when he shook it and realized that not even half of beer was inside it. Kageyama smirked to himself as he took a sip of his drink.

"Next time I'm calling the police, this is abuse," Shouyou panted as he finally collapsed on the thick root beside Kageyama, his shoulder leaning against Tobio's.

His shoulder leaning against Tobio's. Kageyama wanted to flinch, wanted to curl up, wanted to find himself in his room on a bed so he could've whine as loud as he wanted to. Tobio wanted to throw up when a memory of Hinata leaning against him meanwhile Kageyama was doing a chemistry homework for him because, as  Hinata said,  his head hurt like a bitch and he was too stupid for that chemistry, and Kageyama was his only hope and savior,  was brought to his mind. It was supposed to be hey, let's hang out thing and not hey, let's do some homework while I lean my head on your shoulder and watch you do the homework for me thing. Kageyama perfectly remembered the moment when his body went stiff in one second, when he felt Shouyou's temple press to his shoulder as he sighed, perfectly remembered when his eyes widened and his hand holding a pen stilled, because he had no idea how he should've acted - brush Hinata off? Say something scoffing that would make Shouyou leave his shoulder? Don't move an inch and let his head rest comfortably? Act as if nothing strange happened and go back to chemistry, pretending that he didn't even notice the head on his shoulder? 

He felt Hinata's eyes on his hand, which held a pen and stopped meanwhile writing some calculation, and immediately went back to his work - being perplexed that Shouyou could notice the slight change in his behavior. The unsure and awkward silence in the air in Kageyama's dim room and neither of them dared to say a word till Tobio closed the notebook as well as chemistry textbook and looked to his left - feeling shallow breaths on his skin. He remained still for what seemed like ages, not wanting to wake Hinata up from his sudden nap, seeing in the corner of his eye as his chest kept rising and falling in quiet breaths.

He remembered that night he had a nightmare in which he felt Shouyou's fingers on his skin, felt his body press to him - filling it with warmth and release, and even though he couldn't see or hear him, he could still feel his hot breath on his jaw, could imagine that smirk,  felt his thumbs reassuringly trace shapes on biceps. Tobio never in his life was that desperate to wake up. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror the next day.

And then, Shouyou was leaning against his shoulder again. Kageyama could feel his breath, even though he kept his head up as if it could be too intimidating to let it flop on Tobio's shoulder. And there was that silence between them as if a cat got their tongues. 

But that time there was no worry, no concern, no should I  question in Kageyama's mind. That time he didn't even consider whether it was appropriate and right to let the gingery boy rest against him. That time thoughts weren't running a hundred miles in his head - making it dizzy and messy. That time he felt two-faced; meanwhile his body was a bit stiff, trying its best to relax, and at the same time being so inviting and chaotic, his mind was tranquil and meek, desiring Shouyou's closeness and taking advantage of it.

"Y-You always were so bold with people," Kageyama muttered, his fingers tapping the rhythm of the song he listened during his walk to high school, "and I was jealous... Because of that. If I was..."

He wasn't used to it. Kageyama wasn't used to revealing the thoughts that were kept in his head only for him and him.  He didn't do that - oversharing. The feeling of guilt, which only grew up in his chest when he said too much, leaving him with nothing but blame that he burdened somebody with himself. He didn't like that as well as he didn't like that Shouyou made the need to finally let it out wake up in him - as if the need was some kind of a monster, which was awoken after so many ages.

"I've always blamed myself for not being so open and just... Just you,  so I could be better with people. Talk with them more,  do more. Maybe I wouldn't have lost the opportunity to come closer to... Nevermind, 'm just talking about some bullshit, whatever."

Tobio got over with his words and glumly chuckled to himself, quickly taking a sip of his beer as if it'd make him and Hinata forget about what he just said.

"Dude," Shouyou snorted while his foot started drawing shapes on the ground, "if you only knew how many things I regret and how many things I wish I had done before graduation. 'S nothing new to blame yourself for things that didn't happen and things you could've done."

"Yeah, but what? You gonna act as if those days of daydreaming never happened? Live with this self-blame ?"

"Move on."

For a second Kageyama thought that he was simply slapped in the cheek, and the slap made his head turn left, but no hand was in front of him which could cause him a temporary pain on the cheek and neither it was a cold breath of wind that made his hair winnow gently. Hinata's words snapped him out of his thoughts, made his head vigorously turn to the left and eye the boy beside him, who looked purely innocent for someone who just said something oddly harmful.

Move on. Right, that was what people were doing. They moved on no matter what happened. Your dog died? You moved on after some time. Your partner cheated on you? After attacks of rage and grief, you moved on. You failed your exams? You moved on after a time of criticizing yourself for being such a useless piece of shit. You got rejected by your crush? You moved on after some time of looking at yourself like at scum. You lost touch with your old friend? You moved on after pour attempts to renew that friendship. You graduated and regretted that you never told Shouyou what you thought about him? You moved on.

Both of them would move on, right? That was what people did. That was what Shouyou would do; he'd move on and so Kageyama would,  right? Tobio would move on and forget about those slight signals he was trying to pass along to Hinata, forget about all those little accidents when his hand brushed against Shouyou's or when his thigh rubbed Shouyou's thigh, forget about all those words he had on his tongue that never slipped off, forget about all those glances toward Hinata which could be compared to innocent and meaningless ones, forget about every moment in which Shouyou paid so much attention to him that Kageyama thought he wanted to write his own bible, forget about every grin sent toward him, every sweaty high-five, every gulp when he stared for too long at Shouyou's calves meanwhile stretching, every pat on his shoulder and wide eyes when Hinata was impressed by his skills. Time would help Tobio with forgetting about every smile on his pouted face caused by the gingery boy, every common way back home in the evening, every taunt, every childish pout on Hinata's face when Kageyama said something extremely barbed, every math lesson during which Kageyama was forced to listen to whining Shouyou, because he understood nothing, every shared Capri-Sun juice because the gingery boy forgot his water. 

Tobio would move on.

Kageyama would forget about everything, his mind would force him to think about Hinata Shouyou like about a nice and obliging friend, who once used to play volleyball with him. And so Hinata would remember him as a grumpy friend, who hid the tenderness inside him, so people wouldn't consider him a sensitive, weak man. They would move on and leave all childish, pathetic and filled with affection thoughts aside, because that was past.  They were standing in front of the future - the time of choosing and following your way. They were about to see new places, roam through new, unknown streets, since life was full of them, meet new people, make new friends, but also go to work or study, or do both, and focus on things which would appear in front of them instead of focus on things that were behind.

Life would go on and so people. Words and actions from the past would become muffled and blank, and people would no longer scream viva la youth!  because the youth, they once remembered, became a stain of irrelevant and petty memories.

Kageyama stared into Shouyou's firm eyes and expected him to blink rapidly as if this would shoo Tobio away, narrow his eyes or frown negligently, but Hinata didn't seem to mind Tobio's intense stare, nay! He bore Kageyama's intelligible stare and simply answered him with the same firmness, even though he didn't know why his words had such a huge impact on him.

Tobio was the first one to look away, a pout forming on his face and a snort leaving his mouth. He tilted his hand and let the last two sips of beer drench the ground, feeling a sudden urge to squash the can. He felt Shouyou's eyes on his hand and was glad that he didn't ask him why the hell all of a sudden he decided to spill the beer, because Kageyama himself had no damn idea.

"What are you going to do?" he asked, his voice sounding uncertain.

He knew that the gingery boy understood the question as well as he knew Shouyou was aware of the moment when he'd ask him that question.

Suddenly, Hinata abandoned his shoulder and turned toward him, so the front of his body was kind of intimidating Kageyama, since there was no way he could escape Shouyou's gaze, there was no way to escape Shouyou at all. The gingery boy put his hands on the root and played with dark bark - tearing it off as if once again he was a little brat whose mother forced him to go outside and get some fresh air, so he - being all grumpy and mad - decided to let the anger flow through him meanwhile he got his revenge on poor bark. 

Kageyama didn't dare to look at him, because he wasn't sure what he'd meet in his eyes - would he see grief in them, which would disappoint him? Would he see joy, which would send nothing but shivers down his spine? Or would there be uncertainty, which would make Kageyama feel awfully anxious and helpless? 

Once, their eyes used to scream viva la youth!  and now they radiated with nothing but pure hesitation and slight woe.

"I..." Hinata hesitated and Tobio found himself slouching a little. "I'll probably take advantage of this opportunity to travel to Brazil, you know... Try my best there."

Tobio nodded, even though it was barely visible for the gingery boy. Probably. You fucking weak, fainthearted ass, of course you will so why you played with your words just to try to make me feel less fucking anxious, he yelled in his mind as he kept readjusting his grip on the cold and empty can. Of course, he'd take that damn chance because he was Hinata Shouyou - a brilliant player and wonderful man; he'd lost the remains of his mind if he didn't take advantage of that opportunity. Tobio would be disappointed as hell if he didn't take the chance, because Hinata was his friend after all and he wished him the best and wanted to see him radiate with joy, confidence and self-satisfaction. Shouyou deserved that,  deserved much more.

"Can you..." Kageyama gulped and felt the anger flow through him - he hated this, he hated saying such stuff because it always felt as if the words took whole confidence out of him and made him look feeble. "Can you do fucking one thing, when you'll be there? In Brazil."

Shouyou scooted closer to him as if Kageyama was whispering, but Kageyama was damn sure he didn't whisper. He scooted closer as if it was the answer to Tobio's question, his chest being only centimeters from Kageyama's tense shoulder.

Tobio felt when a wave of rage and obdurateness overwashed him, made him frown deeply, made him clench his teeth before he turned toward pending Hinata. And he wished the darkness parted and revealed his face, so the gingery boy could see the firmness and bravado in his eyes, which wanted to pierce through his body. Tobio poked him in the chest with his forefinger meanwhile the words easily slipped off his mouth. "One beer for one victory on a volleyball court, you dumbass. You collect them as if they were fucking postage stamps, damn Marian statues, until we meet again and drink them all ."

"We'll fucking pass out."

There was no chuckle, no giggle, no laughter. Only firm words as if Shouyou told him about his mother's death. The words soaked with realization, which caused nothing but the Sun to set faster, tea to cool off and flowers to wither. The words, which were made for cold evenings without blanket around your body just to make shivers go down your spine. The words, which another time would make you laugh, make your cheeks redden with anticipation and hand raise in a toast.

"What about you?" Shouyou suddenly snapped at Kageyama as if he wanted to forget about his own words, act as if they never escaped his mouth. "You gonna stay in this town or move out... Somewhere?" 

His gaze ran away from Tobio's firm eyes, and Kageyama wanted to shrink down.

Time was a goddamn devil, he knew that. Time was never enough - it never allowed him to relish the moment, it never allowed him to come closer, it never allowed him to think a bit longer, because there was never enough of it; not enough of it to reach out a hand, not enough of it to open mouth, not enough of it to say whatever was going on mind. Time was always ferociously fast - it never let him stay a bit longer by his side, it never let him overcome his uncertainty, it never let him get rid of his concern, it never let him take a forward step, because it was already far ahead; too fast to ask that question, too fast to rethink a decision, too fast to try. But most importantly, time was never trying to become friends with him - it relished the way Kageyama was shifting on his bed in the middle of the night, because thoughts didn't want to calm down, it savored the way Kageyama's hands were sweating whenever he was about to ask him out, it relished Kageyama's all failures, it savored the way Kageyama blamed himself and felt nothing but overwhelming bitterness whenever he looked at himself in the mirror. 

Time was a goddamn devil, but Tobio had no idea whether to blame it for all the mistakes he had done or whether he should've blamed himself for every backward step and every hesitation.

"I think I'm gonna stay for a bit," he mumbled as he kept looking into Hinata's eyes staring at something ahead of him.

It wasn't the first time he wondered, what could draw Hinata's attention, what was so important or so gorgeous that his eyes lingered on it. It wasn't the first time he wondered, what Hinata could think about meanwhile staring at something with such equilibrium, while there was a deep frown on his face and his eyes were burning with vigor as if he was about to serve a ball. It wasn't the first time he wondered whether there was some room for him in his thoughts, whether he appeared in his mind at least once.

"Need to get some things done," he added and squashed the empty can in his hand, the sudden sound drawing Shouyou's attention, who immediately turned his head toward him and his eyes found Kageyama's hand. 

There were no things to get done. Now, there was only his bed in the bedroom, textbooks and notebooks waiting to be burned, and his green volleyball resting against the wheelchair by the desk - awaiting his decision. 

"I get it," Hinata said after a moment of uncomfortable silence, and he found Tobio's eyes among this darkness. "I was just wondering, you know... It's been a time since we talked about future and job, and what such jerks are going to do with their lives. Thought you changed your mind."

"Why would I change my mind? Where could I fit in beside volleyball court?" he snorted, and the corners of his mouth raised in a pathetic smirk.

Shouyou looked at him for what seemed like an eternity; Kageyama wasn't sure whether Hinata was looking for something in his eyes, or he was just staring at the orange street lamps reflecting in them. His mouth twitched twice and Tobio really hoped for the words to leave his mouth, but after all only a long, kind of exhausted sigh escaped him and he shrugged. Shrugged as if Tobio asked him whether there was some math homework for tomorrow.

He had something on his mind, Kageyama wasn't blind. He's known Hinata for years and there was no way he couldn't notice any slight difference in his face when something was bothering him, messing with his mind. There was always that gentle frown on his face, fraught shoulders before they shrugged and slouched, and dubious eyes when Shouyou was about to say something but in the end decided to bite his tongue and look away. It was a rare view, since most of the time Hinata was that bold and reckless person, and would always say out loud if something wasn't alright.

And then, Hinata's eyes were back on Kageyama's face and it felt as if the Sun leaned out of dark, stormy clouds. Tobio didn't run away from his gaze, nay! He returned the gaze, even though it wasn't some kind of a battle of sight, and felt as if Hinata's eyes were trying to melt in his and, dear heavens, he cracked his knuckles automatically. What would it feel like to lie down on one bed with the gingery boy in the morning, and stare into his eyes meanwhile sunrays would paint one of his cheeks? What would it feel like to spend every evening with the gingery boy in a warm coffee shop, and stare into his eyes meanwhile the boy would babble on some nonsense just like the old times? What would it feel like to come back every night to those charming eyes, to wake up to them as if they were a birdsong, to feel them roam on his body as if Kageyama was a Greek god, to stare into them as if they were his painting in a golden frame in his museum?

Sweet Zeus, Tobio wished he knew.

"What do you regret the most?" Shouyou asked suddenly as if didn't hear Kageyama's complaint, and scooted closer - and for a second Kageyama thought he was going to put his jaw on his shoulder, because he was as close as the Sun was to cover the world with darkness.

Tobio could say that. Tobio could fuck it up all in one second and let the words finally escape his mouth just to disgust Hinata. Tobio could finally give up and let the feelings, he carried with himself for so long, show up and speak for themselves. He had a chance,  the next chance, to tell the gingery boy that he admired him for oh so long that it was frustrating. He had a chance to tell Hinata, that he loved his eyes, loved that he was always there for him to solace him, loved the way he laughed giddily as if the end of the world was never going to happen. He had a chance to tell him, that he loved hearing him babble on silly things, even though sometimes it was just irritating and tiring and he was rolling his eyes in fatigue. He had a chance to tell him, that he wished he could wake up next to him, go with him on a date to some coffee shop, cinema or amusement park every other day. He had a chance to tell him he wished he could hold his hand in a cold evening, hold his hand meanwhile lying blithely on a couch and play with his finger - caress them as if they were canvas and he was an avid painter. He had a chance to tell him he wished he could spend every free moment with him by his side - cuddling, talking about tomorrow and yesterday, fighting about silly things and laughing meanwhile. 

Tobio could say that. Tobio could fuck it up all in one second and tell him, that he loved him and that he wished he wasn't such a damn, filthy coward and confessed to him earlier, so maybe things could have been different.

But he didn't.

"Thought your dumb ass was going to talk about some happy and great moments you experienced during those all years, and guess what. Now, I'm surprised," Tobio snorted and the corners of his mouth raised in a gentle but feisty smirk. "I regret  some  things just like everyone, idiot."

"Oh c'mon, shy boy," Hinata smirked at him, that  devilish  grin which not once made Kageyama say things he didn't want to say, "everyone has something  on their conscience."

Tobio gritted his teeth and clenched his hands between legs into fists. He hated that evening. He felt trapped in it as if it wasn't going to end until he let out what should've been released. "I regret not saying things, when I had a chance and time for that. Regret being so hesitant," he growled lowly on one breath and hoped that Hinata didn't catch all of his words.

But the gingery idiot did. He always did.

"What things ?" he asked shamelessly and tilted his head. Kageyama could feel his breath on his shoulder and that only made him feel tiny in his curious eyes.

"And what you  regret?" Tobio snapped back and unclenched his hands that somehow became sweaty. "What do you have on your conscie... "

"Hesitance," Shouyou cut in, looking into Tobio's eyes without resistance.

Tobio wanted to be by his side. Somehow, Hinata felt like home; he felt like a warm home with hot, lemonish tea on wooden table and fire burning in fireplace - lightening and warming up the atmosphere. Tobio wanted to be by his side, because he was a walking hope and joy, nay! If enthusiasm and tenderness were a human, they'd totally be Shouyou Hinata. Tobio wanted to be by his side, because the world and routine seemed to be bearable when the gingery boy was there; reality filled with something more than just roaring wind and creaking doors. Tobio wanted to be by his side, because he filled him with allayment, with hope for better tomorrow, with eager words which he needed in his world full of self-hatred and guilt; because he always told him that there was tomorrow,  next sunrise and next bird was sitting on a branch and twittering, next coffee on table, next spoon of rice, next day,  and whatever he'd done yesterday - he had chance to fix it tomorrow,  because there was always next sunrise.

The gingery boy, who knew how to laugh, how to cry and how to talk to people. Tobio wanted to be by his side, but unfortunately he had to learn how to stay away from him.

"If you had a chance to do one thing, which you hadn't done in the past and regretted not doing it, would you do it?" Shouyou asked him suddenly, and Kageyama felt a shiver going down his spine when the words resonated in his head.

He clenched his fingers around the squashed can of beer.

"Honestly..." he started hesitantly, staring at Hinata's forehead and few ginger strands on it, blowing in the gentle wind. "I feel like I'm fucking done with everything, Hinata. Like... I no longer give a damn about what I'm doing as if there were no consequences to my actions. And wished I felt the same weeks ago if not years."

Shouyou frowned but didn't look away. He just busied his hands with jacket, which Kageyama wore, by playing with its zipped pocket - moving the zipper up and down, up and down - his eyes never leaving Tobio. "Would... Would  it  hurt someone if you did this?"

"Did what ?" he hissed, eyeing Hinata as if he could read from his expression what he had on his mind.

"Did the thing  you regretted you hadn't done in the past."

"Yes, it would."

The words were as quick as spring - coming back to life and brightening the world, cleaning it from the dullness and dispassionateness, which winter brought. Hinata wanted the truth,  oh he would always want the truth, so Kageyama gave him that -  the truth. There was one thing he regretted the most - the one that appeared not once in his nightmares, the one which haunted him day by day, the one which reminded him what a pathetic person he was, the one he always wanted to do. The thing which was a chance and quickly turned into hope, and then became a dream, and eventually turned into despair.

"But would it be worth it?"

Tobio felt a desire to take one of these gingery strands, which rested handily on Shouyou's forehead, and put it behind the boy's ear just to have a full view of his face this last time, but desire was desire - always impregnable and vicious.

"What the fuck is this question?" he snorted, a pathetic smirk forming on his face.

"Shut up, I just..." Hinata rolled his eyes and sighed - a sign that something was not alright. "You're not the only one who feels guilty for stuff, okay? But at least I'm the one who tries to see for himself if there's something I can fix, if... Things are mutual. Or actually were ."

"But why are you asking me such questions?" Kageyama pushed further, smirking under his breath, because he never considered himself a damned altruist.

Hinata didn't answer the question; he looked away and his hands abandoned the zipper, nostalgic silence surrounding them once again and being as much excruciating as lack of coffee in the morning. "Why would you do it?"

Kageyama eyed him and to his disappointment realized, that the gingery boy was way too close to him. He was used to Hinata's presence, nay! He was used to his hand on his shoulder, which was never enough, to his breath on his forearm when he was panting after a good match - bending slightly to steady his breath, to his thigh brushing against his own from time to time, which was never enough, to his shoulder bumping into him when he fell into step with Kageyama in a school corridor. Tobio was used to Hinata's presence, used to his closeness which sometimes was making him dizzy, because he couldn't confess to him, but he never realized how close Shouyou was to him -  being an open book.

Tobio eyed him carefully, and that was the moment when he finally burst, because he no longer had anything to lose.

"Because I wouldn't want him to forget me."

Exodos

Viva la youth and its unspoken kisses, and untold stories about rainy evenings and warm mornings when they did nothing but stared at the building in front of them. Viva la youth and its quiet words, but vivid gesticulation. Viva la youth and its bright smiles which not once reassured so many souls, and its nightmares which not once brought a pout on face in the middle of the night. Viva la youth, because it was both: a prologue and an epilogue.

Kageyama felt his breath on his chin and wished he could catch it in his hands and keep for later - take that breath with himself and hold it between his fingers whole night to keep himself warm, because no blanket and no pillow could warm him up as much as Hinata's breath. Shouyou was so close that those bright street lamps in his eyes disappeared as if the whole world was shut down, no light enlightening the tip of his nose or cheekbone. He was so close that among the darkness surrounding them his face became one blurry, black stain Kageyama wanted to sink in.

Tobio didn't move an inch, when Hinata's forehead leaned against his, his breath lingering on Kageyama's dry mouth. Tobio stared into Hinata's eyes being as dark as ink, as dark as night, as dark as ravens dancing in the air, because he was that close to him; so close to brushing Shouyou's tip of the nose with his own, so close to feel confused whether he was staring into fuzzy eyes or night, so close to counting single freckles which decorated Hinata's cheekbones, so close to mouthing words instead of using voice, so close to taking care of Hinata's warm lips with his dry ones.

"You know," a quiet voice of the gingery boy, "I think we should overthrow a government. Fuck it all, just do something without any reason, because... I feel like, um..."

"Keep talking," Kageyama whispered suddenly, when Hinata had stuttered.

"It'll sound stupid but um... I feel like we always do something, because we have a reason. And I'm kinda tired of that, you know... Let's do something together without... Reason."

Kageyama gulped loudly before his lips moved on their own. "Do you have a reason now?"

"It feels as if everything is ending, like... School, volleyball... I mean, things won't be the same and it sucks," Hinata chuckled lightly against his mouth, and Kageyama felt as if someone electrified him with butterflies in stomach. "It sucks to feel the youth end..."

"Do you have a reason now ?" Kageyama cut in, more pluckily than he wanted.

"Yes," Hinata answered without hesitance, and Tobio felt his eyes getting heavier, his heart beating faster, his fingers trembling, "and no."

Tobio let out a sudden giggle and felt as Hinata stiffened slightly. " Hinata Shouyou, my pals, always  yes  and  no,  no matter you ask him whether he wants to be killed, wants to eat in a restaurant or go to the cinema."

"Shut up, dude! You demand too much, okay?"

"Shit," Kageyama cursed under his breath as he closed his eyes, "that's why I hate talking. Hate fucking talking and all the things, which come out of it..."

"Tobio."

Even though it was cold, it felt like summer with Shouyou being so close to him as ever. The closeness Kageyama wished of since he started paying more attention to the gingery boy. The closeness Kageyama wished of while lying on his bed in a dim room, clock nearly showing midnight. The closeness Kageyama wished of meanwhile listening to the enthusiastic voice, staring into joyful eyes, watching the boy biting his bottom lip when focusing on setting a ball. It felt like a warm, pleasant summer full of orange sunset and red sunrise, full of gently twittering birds and buzzing flies, full of today and why fucking not.

When Tobio felt Hinata's lips brush against his, the touch being oh so gentle and careful, his eyes closed instantly. It felt as if butterflies rested on his fingertips when he followed Hinata's warm lips, catching them before they could run away like they always did, before they could say sorry and  I didn't mean that. 

They didn't move an inch; they lingered on the feeling of their lips touching each other with stillness, Kageyama smiling in his head because of Shouyou's shaky inhale and exhale through his nose as if he didn't dare to draw away - let the closeness abandon them in silence. 

It was when his hand timidly wandered toward Hinata's knee, resting on it and clutching it lightly. It was when he let out a long exhale, not realizing before that he had been holding his breath for so long, and felt Hinata's lips move slightly against his. It was when he heard the gingery boy exhale shakily, as he clutched his hand on his knee firmer. It was when Hinata boldly moved his lips against his.

It was when he felt the youth.

It wasn't perfect, oh dear heavens, with Shouyou's eagerness and Kageyama's awkwardness it was never perfect. But it sure was unforgettable. At first, Kageyama was slightly surprised because of Hinata's sudden movement, his lips clumsily answering to Shouyou and not catching up with him. Kageyama moved his lips a little faster than Hinata, when the gingery boy tried to, to Kageyama's surprise, take everything slow, to relish, to taste. And so Tobio could feel his cheeks getting warmer and warmer at his behavior - being so awkward and unexperienced, and keen,  but well - he kind of couldn't help it, he wanted it for so long that when finally he got it,  it was simply hard to take everything slowly. 

He felt hand wandering through his black hair, sinking in them and tugging gently. Tobio shivered, but not because of nightly cold, nay - the pleasant shivers, which overflowed his fingers and scalp, were caused by sudden, amiable warmth painting his ears and cheeks in childish blush. He hummed against Hinata's lips and bumped their noses when trying to deepen the kiss. Shouyou's giggle was muffled, but it still sent vibrations to Kageyama's spine, making the butterflies on his fingertips dance faster.

It was clumsy, but it felt like youth  - awkward, shy and careful. The hesitance, that hung in the air was gone as well as all questions Tobio had been asking himself for months. It was wet and weird, but it felt like youth  - flimsy, short and unforgettable. Kageyama slowly reached for Hinata's sweaty hand and intertwined their fingers, relishing the quiet whine which escaped the gingery boy's mouth. It felt like youth  - always coming to an end.

Shouyou drew away slowly, inhaling loudly, his breath on Kageyama's wet lips making his hand tremble, so Tobio clutched his hand harder. 

He tried to steady his breath, not being bold enough to open his eyes as if it could make the moment disappear. But how could he breathe peacefully, when Hinata's thumb caressed his left cheekbone so tenderly, that he never thought the boy could be so timid when it came to touch. Tobio leaned to the touch and drew circles with his thumb on Shouyou's hand as if saying thank you.

"You suck at kissing," Shouyou mocked him raspily, his thumb caressing Kageyama's eyelid as if saying the night is not over yet.

"I'd prove you wrong, dickhead," Tobio snorted, catching Shouyou's wrist and bringing his knuckles to his lips, planting one, long, for a goodbye kiss.

Drawing apart felt like finishing the last piece of cake, like end credits after a good movie, like dark clouds covering the Sun. He didn't want it, he didn't want it to end. It felt as if that one, clumsy as hell kiss was everything he's got, as if it was his sunrise and sunset, as if it was his morning breakfast and nightly tea, as if it was the youth he always dreamed of. 

When Tobio opened his eyes, he saw grinning Shouyou as if he just won a competition. And he couldn't help it but smile. Fucking smile like an idiot, like a brat. He fucking smiled, and it never felt so good to feel the corners of his mouth raise. 

"You'd prove me wrong if...?" Shouyou asked him, his hand returning the strong grip.

"If I had time," Kageyama spat firmly, his watery eyes staring into Hinata and noticing every twitch of his lips, the blush on his cheekbones and concern, which appeared suddenly and made him frown.

The silence that appeared between them was unbearable but understandable. There was nothing left to add, nothing left to say. The chapter was coming to an end, and there was nothing that could stop the ink spilling on pages, writing the next chapters which they'd read later - in upcoming years.

Hinata shifted and sat shoulder to shoulder with Kageyama, not letting go of his hand even for a second - squeezing it and caressing cold skin. And Tobio didn't say a word, his eyes glued to the view ahead, eyes scanning shining lights of the town he secretly loved. He didn't say a word, when the gingery's boy head flopped on his shoulder and tenderly nuzzled it with his cheekbone. He didn't say a word, when his own head rested against Hinata's. He just closed his heavy eyes, taking slow breaths.

"When we meet again," Shouyou started, sounding a bit sleepy, "we're overthrowing the government with you wearing this jacket," the finger of his left hand wandered toward the jacket Kageyama wore and tapped it. 

Tobio smirked under his breath, his eyes slowly opening as if he wasn't ready to see whatever was in front of him. "You can't even do maths."

"Okay, you've got a point," Tobio chuckled lightly, nuzzling his cheek against Hinata's fluffy hair - dear heavens, he'd miss them so fucking much; miss running his fingers through them, miss patting Shouyou's head and feeling nothing but softness. "We're not dying until you tutor me so well, that calculators will be my last thing to think about."

"We will live forever then."

"See? No reasons to complain."

Tobio's eyes screamed cry,  but he couldn't. His heavy and watery eyes shouted fucking cry, but he wasn't going to let himself burst with tears. Even though every chuckle Hinata let out made the butterflies on his fingertips dance tumultuously, every tremble of his shoulders when he laughed or vigorously spoked about something made his cheeks burn, every light touch yelled cry, you fucking piece of shit. Tobio couldn't let himself burst with tears, when he had such a marvelous view in front of him and such a wonderful creature beside him.

Oh dear gods, it was obvious as hell that Kageyama would end up crying on his bed in the middle of a night after recalling Hinata's goodbye words. Casual yo, sleep well dude or see ya later, dude but hearing him say those casual words for the last time, face-to-face, would be as painful as Icarus Fall. 

Kageyama Tobio liked  Hinata in a way he never thought he would. Kageyama liked  Hinata and everything that came with him - his bright smiles, his encouraging eyes, his irritating screeching when fighting about something silly, his  I'm always here, dude and need a hand with this, man? Kageyama liked  Hinata and just like a bird couldn't imagine a day without twittering, that Tobio couldn't imagine his upcoming months without an irritating, joyful, always here ball jumping right next to him.

"He won't, you dumbass," Shouyou's timid voice drew his attention, and Kageyama blinked to focus his blurry vision. 

"Huh?"

"He won't forget about you, because he's patient and will wait for you."

Viva la youth and its loud, messy kisses. Viva la youth and its breakfasts in a hurry and dirty shoes on carpet. Viva la youth and its quiet, anxious nights and crying, suffering people. Viva la youth and its empty stomachs, bereaved tears, sleepless nights and the gingery boy. 

Viva la youth, when he breathed shakily. Viva la youth, when Hinata Shouyou's caressed his hand. Viva la youth, when he cursed under his breath, regretting so many things that it was hard to count them all. Viva la youth, when Hinata Shouyou gripped his hand as if it was a god. Viva la youth, when Tobio Kageyama closed his eyes.