Chapter Text
Rae’s floor was just as interesting like Rae herself. It was littered with empty cd cases, electrical appliances and hair accessories. He could even spy a rolled up ball of t-shirts haphazardly propped into the corner behind her wardrobe. It was so girly and boyish and Rae. Arrows of nostalgia attacked his heart. The days he’d spent here …
Remembering the reason he was here, he started to glare a hole into the carpet, wishing he had laser eyes so he could obliterate everything that reminded him of the damp but rainy afternoons of a typical Lincolnshire summer. He glanced at Rae, who was avoiding his eyes. Not that typical, he thought, a bitter grimace tugging at his mouth.
He turned to the floor again, absent-mindedly kicking a forgotten troll toy with the tip of his shoe. It rolled away to the dark recess beneath her bedside table. Finn followed its departure before slowly facing Rae, bravery welling up inside him. “Me and Olivia split up.”
Rae plopped down beside him, and he looked at her body move before his gaze snapped back to her face again. She looked unaffected like he’d informed her about the weather, and he felt his insides clench. He had to physically keep himself from doubling over. Finn tried to keep the incredulous look off his face as Rae adjusted her position on the bed and deigned him a glance.
“Sorry mate,” she said softly. She didn’t sound sorry at all. Or jealous. Just uncaring. He shrugged, palming his mug, hoping he could stave off his nerves into the warmth of the tea.
He’d accepted that, that was the most reaction he could get out of her. It didn’t matter anyway. He and Olivia were done before they even started. It was just an icebreaker so he could ease into the conversation he actually came for. “We just weren’t right for each other,” he continued. “She had a mortgage, and I don’t even have an overdraft for fuck’s sake!”
He tried to laugh it off, but inside Finn knew he was treading into the ‘real talk zone’. Truth was that, indeed, at this point in time Finn did not have an overdraft. But soon, he would.
There was more emotion on her face this time, something akin to amusement as she pursed her lips. Her voice was clearer when she spoke: “Is there anything I can do?”
Yes, yes, you daft twat. Love me. He sighed, shaking his head slightly. He briefly considered bolting out of there because Rae didn’t understand. She’d never understand. There was no point in telling her, he mused, because what would she do? Agree? Try to stop him? Both options made him queasy.
“It’s not just …” he trailed off, doubts plaguing his mind. He was on the verge of either spilling all his thoughts of the past few weeks without her or silencing himself forever. There really was no way to put this across without raw honesty. He glared daggers at the floor, cursing Rae and some higher power in the sky for putting him in this situation.
“What?” Rae insisted, and Finn almost came apart at the seams. Maybe she did care. A small bud of hope was watered in his mind, and he was ready. He filtered all his impending words through his brain, so he didn't end up with a bad case of word vomit.
“I’m not just down about breaking up with Olivia. I’m … I’m miserable in general.” He looked at her sharply when he said this, silently begging her to see the unhappiness in his eyes and understand. Glean the reason behind it. But she looked down.
Finn was undeterred. He tightened his hold around his mug, voice increasing in pitch. “I don’t enjoy college, I never have. I’m only there because everybody else is.”
“So what you gonna do?” He stared at her. She stared back. They were on the precipice on something, she was onto him and the true reason for his visit, and Finn suddenly wanted to take a step back. No, several. He regretted coming here. But his brain could not come up with a feasible excuse to take his leave.
So Finn answered her instead. “My uncle’s got this scaffolding company in Leeds. He said that I could go up there and work with him. It’s not exactly the dream but … well, got to leave college sometime. We’ve to grow up eventually, haven’t we?” His last question wasn’t rhetorical. He was truly asking her whether he had to grow up.
Because if she said no, he would never.
Rae was silent for a bit. From what he could see, with her hair blocking half of her face, she looked conflicted. Her eyes were darting around. And then she lifted her head up, as if she understood. As if she accepted it. He couldn’t believe it.
Don’t, Rae.
This is unacceptable.
Be angry, Rae!
“So you’d have to move?” Rae asked, the innocence still in her voice.
“That’s what I’m saying. I’m thinking of moving away.” Finn felt a dead weight being dropped off his shoulders, but in its place there was only emptiness. He couldn’t feel relieved at finally getting it off his chest, because the resigned look on Rae’s face shattered whatever broken pieces were left of his heart.
Yet, like the masochist he was, he delved into that small bundle of hope still growing inside him. “Because I’ve got no reason to stay. Have I?”
Finn never asked rhetorical questions. So when he did, you’d know damn well he had ulterior motives. He hoped Rae realised that, hoped it for the shards of this friendship beyond repair, of the love never salvaged. Because he was not her friend. And he never, ever, would be. There was only one way he could leave this house and come back.
The tension was palpable in the air, and Finn mourned for the time when there was nothing between them but their own skin. He stared at her expectantly.
She looked hopeful. Just like him. Rae’s response was anything but what he expected. He leaned back slightly, perplexed. Sadness and utter heartbreak he could accept. Resentment he could explain away. But he had no words nor thoughts for this.
Before Finn could say something he knew he would regret later, she interrupted him. “Do you want to go, Finn? Will you stop being miserable there?”
He didn’t know. He truly had no clue. Leeds was an easy escape, his out from the suffocating box he was thrust into, here in Stamford. It was his ticket straight to anonymity. Who gave a fuck about some teenage scaffolder? He figured it would be comfortable. But actual happiness was too much to hope for at this time.
So he just shrugged, wondering where she was going with this. “Dunno. But I reckon I’ll be better off there. Stamford just …” He fished for words, coming up with nothing but one feeling. Pain. “Hurts.”
Rae sighed and while Finn investigated the exact nature of this sigh (sad, angry, hopeful?), he missed the hand grazing his fingers tightly clenched around his mug. He jumped. Rae shook her head soothingly, and prised them away from the ceramic. She took the mug from him, gingerly placing it on the bedside table. And then she enveloped his hand in hers.
Finn was flabbergasted, but instinctively squeezed. Rae scrunched up her nose at him in mirth, and it had been so long that he couldn’t help but move closer to her.
Her face turned serious. “I know it does. I feel it, all the time. Finn, I’m miserable too.”
She looked down, and he spotted the glistening of tears at the corner of her eye. He scooted to her even closer, desperate to ease her pain, forgetting his own. “College is a pain in the arse. I know everyone here, and I can’t shake off this utter hopelessness I get with them. I thought time and space from this place would help, and during the summer I felt alive again. But the gang was never meant to be forever. Because now it’s not the ‘gang’ – it’s Archie, Chloe, Chop, Izzy, you. And me. We’re all separate. I don’t even bloody see Chop anymore!”
Finn didn’t realise that he had been nodding to everything she said, too engrossed in her words and the alarming truth in them. Was it a bit of a stretch to admit that he’d been feeling the exact way? But he didn’t want to break the spell and tell her. Rae had never divulged so much of her inner thoughts to him.
But Rae seemed to think different. She rubbed his knuckles, her face expectant, glancing up at him. He frowned. “What?”
Rae wasn’t perturbed. Her expression was a perfect mask of calm as she turned to him fully, her shoulder briefly brushing his. “Tell me why it hurts,” she breathed. The look in her eyes made his heart stand still. It was full of care, affection, and … No, he didn’t dare think about it. But the bud of hope had grown to a flower in his mind, even if he was still confused what her intentions were.
He decided to come clean. He grasped her other hand in his, holding their intertwined hands between them like a lifeline. “It hurts to be around people, knowing who I am. Finn Nelson. Football player, heartbreaker, grumpy wanker, brainless, dumb, no personality. It hurts to be around you, while you know who I really am. I am drowning, Rae! The hurt, the misery, the unhappiness – it’s clogging up my lungs and I can’t breathe. I have been faking it – I’ve been faking that everything has been fine for weeks now. But nothing is. And I suck at pretending.”
Swallowing down the sob in his throat, he closed his eyes. His voice was softer, quieter. “Leeds is not a paradise. I’m not expecting it to be. But it’s an oasis in a desert. Anything is better than Stamford, Lincolnshire, Rae. Leeds is only the best available option. And I’m taking it.” He finished with a deep exhale, and deflated. He’d never talked about himself for so long. Who knew it could be so tiring?
“You’re right, Finn. You have no reason to stay.”
His breath hitched, and if she’d left it at that, Finn knew he would have cried right there and then.
But Rae continued, fiddling her thumbs, face sombre. “Neither do I.”
It was like a switch was flipped in his brain, as the full force of her words hit him like a bullet. Just like that, the fog in his head cleared. He understood why she’d been behaving the way she did. Her hope when he mentioned Leeds (and now that he looked back, he noticed that she’d seemed wistful as well), her quick acceptance, her honesty about how she’s been feeling. It took his breath away.
He voiced what they both were thinking. “Then come with me. Let’s get away from this place – I’m taking my chance. Take yours.” And in his mind, an image was already forming. Him and Rae. In Leeds. Together.
Determination rose in him. He brought her hands up, allowing them to rest on his chest while he stroked her arms and looked her in the eye. She looked unsure, but her grip on his shirt was firm. He took it as encouragement.
Finn smiled. “We’ll be together,” he promised her and meant it, in more ways than one. “There’s only a week to go till Christmas holidays, right?” Rae nodded, wordlessly.
After that the words came tumbling out of his mouth. “We can leave after that, or even tomorrow if you want. We’ll go to Leeds. They’ve got really good colleges there, you can sign up for one. I’ll work, and we’ll stay at my uncle’s until we figure something out. He doesn’t mind.” Finn didn’t dwell on the fact that they weren’t together anymore, and that he had no right to plan the future for them. He focused instead on the knowledge that Rae’s hands had never let go of his shirt, and that her eyes had never strayed from his. She’d been listening to him with rapt attention, eyes wide, but not from shock. There was promise in the way she gazed at him. It filled him with joy, and his smile grew bigger.
He rested one hand on the crook of her elbow while the other cradled the side of her face. She closed her eyes, pressing her cheek against his palm, and sighed. This time he knew exactly what it meant: hope.
“I want to,” she said after a beat. Her eyes fluttered down, for only a moment, before they met his again. “Ever since you brought it up, I can’t help but think ... what if? I want to get away from this place. You make it sound so easy.”
His smile falters. He was ready to start a fresh slate with Rae by his side, especially now that she had shown interest, but he’s starting to see the complications. “It won’t be,” Finn admitted begrudgingly. “You’ll have to leave everything. I know you don’t like the people here, but what about your mum? The gang? They’ll still be in Stamford. It won’t be easy, Rae.”
“Don’t worry about my mum.” She huffed, but didn’t elaborate. He frowned, but didn’t ask. “The gang will survive. They’re surviving well enough as it is.” Rae shrugged, but Finn clocked the down-turned corners of her mouth. “And besides, it’s not like we’re moving to the Outer Hebrides or something. Leeds is barely two hours away.”
For the first time in the conversation, she’d mentioned them as a ‘we’. It made it seem all the more real – that they might be actually doing this, and together too. His hand slipped from her face and sought refuge in her hair, and the one on her elbow slid to her waist. He held her against him.
Rae dropped her hands from his chest and Finn panicked, but relaxed when they wrapped around his middle. They clung together tightly, and he tried to put as much of his love as he could into their embrace. He loved her so, so much.
There was a calmness in silence that Finn never noticed before. Silences were always uncomfortable, made the thoughts whirring in his heads louder. But this time, there were no thoughts but the feeling of Rae in his arms. Even if Leeds wouldn't be his home – Rae was, and would always be.
He nuzzled into her hair, burrowing his face into her dark locks. I love you, and I will always only love you, he whispered. She didn’t stir nor show any sign that she had heard it, but Finn didn’t mind. It was out in the open now. He could never take it back, and wouldn’t want to.
Finn lowered them on the bed, his arms still firmly wrapped around her and Rae didn’t protest, snuggling against him as they settled on her pillow. She moved closer to him and brought her hand up to stroke his jaw, with the utmost care. He let her sooth him, and put back the broken pieces of his heart.
That night, Finn came to Rae’s to find a reason to stay. Now, he had more reasons to leave. And back when he would’ve felt crushing sadness, he now was elated. The same flower bud of hope had grown to encompass an entire garden.