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Ruki thinks that, out of all members in JO1, the one he is the most distant from is probably Ren. He wants to say, of course they’ve interacted before, but he’s not so sure if he can actually call it that, call what they do interaction.
The most of it comes when they’re with at least 5 other people. It’s usually an offhanded remark from Ren, like a casual Ruki, so princely as Ruki signs Sukai’s shirt, or a teasing Ruki, so fast, when Ruki walks up to choose his part in Young without hesitation.
It’s because they’ve never had many reasons to interact. Ruki didn’t know Ren before the show, and they were never in the same song until Young. But even in Young they don’t interact much – Ruki has Kosuke and Shosei, and, well, Ren also has Kosuke and Shosei, but Ruki and Ren stay on their own sides, never toeing over to the other’s.
I don’t know why it feels so weird between you and Ren, Shosei says to Ruki during practice one day. Ruki shrugs. I feel like you two are quite similar, Shosei goes on, I think you could become really good friends. After all, you two are my favorite older brothers.
This is so unlike you, Kosuke says one night as they got ready for bed. I don’t remember the last time you didn’t talk every-single-person-you-meet’s ears off. Getting no reaction from Ruki, who is currently staring at the underside of the bunk above him, Kosuke mutters to himself, I should ask Ren his secret to making Ruki not talk so I can get as much sleep as possible each night.
Ruki thinks about it and decides, a few days later, that they’re just too similar. Too similar for them to be around each other without seeing their own flaws on the other, seeing their own insecurities. It’s almost like looking into a mirror, but Ren is also so much better than Ruki at dancing, at leading everyone during practice, at being so well rounded. He’s not surprised when Ren is chosen to be the center for Young.
So maybe it was his own insecurities that stood between him and Ren, Ruki thinks. Except when Ruki tries his best to push them aside and talk to Ren, he realizes that it’s not that simple. He tries to ask Ren for help like Takumi does, tries to cling onto Ren like Shosei does, tries to treat Ren like a brother like Kosuke does, but none of the attempts come out, because it doesn’t feel right, doesn’t feel like how their relationship is supposed to be.
But he slowly comes to realize that it’s not just him. Spending more time around the other boy during practices and such, Ruki can tell there’s something on Ren’s side too, something that makes Ren hold back from really talking to Ruki outside the occasional playful comment that seems to come out of nowhere.
And so the awkwardness between them persists, maybe a little less after Ruki’s attempts at talking to Ren, but it’s still there, the silence between them speaking louder than words. It doesn’t affect their teamwork much though, because Ren knows Ruki can take care of himself, and Ruki knows that there’s no reason for Ren to talk to him when it’s not Ruki who’s forgetting the choreography or struggling to hit the notes.
Ruki gets used to it, coexisting with Ren and the atmosphere of slight caution that comes with it. Ruki thinks he thinks too much about Ren compared to how much they’re (not) talking, but he can’t help it. It’s always interesting to watch Ren, to see how hard to works to improve his vocals, how much effort he puts in to perfect his own dance moves that already look perfect to Ruki.
Ruki thinks that, although he himself works hard for his dream – everyone on the show does, of course, but Ren is something else altogether. There’s always something to improve, always the need to practice one more time, and maybe that’s why Ruki felt the disappointment in his own heart, maybe a little too deep for how shallow their relationship is, when Ren doesn’t debut as first place, as JO1’s center.
Or maybe it’s because Ruki feels like looking at Ren is like looking like an ideal version of himself, one he thinks he will never be because Ren is simply just too good. Maybe it was that that gave him blind faith, blind faith he’d put into Ren unfairly, but how could Ruki have not had faith in Ren when Ren has been his idol, all along?
Ruki secretly observes Ren for the next few days, watching the way Ren goes about his daily life and their schedules just as before, as if placing 2nd didn’t change anything in his life. Ruki thinks that, if it he was in Ren’s place, he would not be able to act as unaffected, as cheerful, as Ren is now. This is how mature people act, Ruki thinks. They accept it and move on, because there’s no point in dwelling in the could-haves.
Time rolls around for leader selection and Ruki thinks that, If Ren didn’t get the center he wanted, I want him to be my leader. It just doesn’t seem right if Ren doesn’t have some sort of role in the group, because Ruki thinks Ren was born to be special. When Ruki stands up to walk to the room where they vote, he hears Ren say Ruki, so cool.
Ren ends up one vote short of being leader, and Ruki spends some time wondering if he should rethink his life, if he’s gotten it all wrong. Being so used seeing Ren as center, Ren as leader, Ren as something, anything, Ruki realizes that looking to Ren has become a safety net for him. When nothing goes right in his life, seeing Ren still shining gives him faith, because at least something was constant in life, and if Ren could do it then maybe Ruki could do it too.
He also realizes, now, that that’s probably not healthy, for himself or Ren. Of course he’d never add his own delusional and unreasonable thoughts onto Ren’s burdens purposefully, but he also doesn’t know if he trusts himself to not let his thoughts slip during his late night rambles. He decides that he needs to distance himself from Ren, which honestly shouldn’t be that hard since they weren’t close in the first place. He sticks himself to Shion, to Shosei, to Mame even, and maybe it works for a while.
It’s another sleepless night for Ruki, despite how hard they trained during the day. Ruki never fails to get surprised by how much his body refuses to sleep even when his mind knows he needs it. He tried his hardest to not talk, earlier tonight, so his roommates were able to fall asleep. But it’s lonely now, with him being probably the only one still awake in the dorms.
He wanders out to the kitchen, wondering if there are still sweets left in the cupboards after S4 raided it earlier today. He doesn’t realize how weird it is that the lights are still on – Sho always turns them off, whether it 's because he's the last one to sleep or because he uses it as a measure to get all the kids to sleep – until he sees someone slumped over the dining table.
The silver-blonde hair that fans out on the table makes Ruki sigh when he sees it. He pads over anyways and taps Ren on his shoulder. Ruki feels like it’s the first time he’s physically touched Ren on purpose, and the shoulder under his finger feels thin, fragile. Not unlike his own.
It takes a few taps before Ren looks up, tired, eyes too red. Ruki feels his heart flip the moment Ren’s eyes meet his. Maybe it wasn’t his place, will never be his place, but in this moment in the kitchen at 3 am, Ruki thinks, fuck it.
“Talk to me,” Ruki says, softly but firmly.
Ren puts his head back down and looks away, so Ruki sits down in the seat across from him. Ren’s still half sprawled over the table, his arms stretched so that his hands almost reach over to Ruki’s side. Without thinking, Ruki reaches over and takes Ren’s hands in his own.
“Talk to me,” Ruki says again, squeezing Ren’s hands slightly. It’s supposed to be easier to open up to the people one doesn’t expect to talk to again, right?
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Ren’s voice comes, muffled, followed by a sniff.
“No, there’s definitely something to talk about when you’re crying alone at 3am when you think everyone else is asleep,” Ruki says.
“Why do you care?” Ren asks, and Ruki is surprised into silence for a few seconds.
“Well, we are in a group together, if you haven’t noticed. I know we’ve never talked, like really talked, but I can’t just pretend like I’m not seeing anything when you’re being sad right in front of me. I know I usually don’t really show it because we don’t really talk, but I do care for you, you know –”
“Maybe you care for me a little too much,” Ren interrupts suddenly, looking up and into Ruki’s eyes. Ruki forgets what he was saying and his jaw hangs open. Ren goes on.
“I can sense you always glancing at me, you know. And the way you look at me, it’s so-” Ren pauses, trying to find the word he’s looking for. “I feel like I’m not worthy of it,” he finally says.
“The way I look at you?”
“Yes,” Ren nods. “You look at me as if I’m some sort of – some sort of perfect human being, some sort of role model. And it’s different from when other people look at me like that. The other trainees used to look at me with respect, and sometimes jealousy, but not you. You look at me with not just admiration but faith, and I don’t even know where you got that from. Faith in someone you don't even know.” Ren laughs humorlessly.
Oh, Ruki thinks dully. Turns out he didn’t hide it as well as he thought he did, and he ended up being part of Ren’s burden without even realizing it.
It must show on his face, because Ren hurries to explain, “No, I felt- feel touched when I see you look at me like that. It’s a really wondrous feeling when someone you barely know has so much faith in you, it’s just that I don’t think I’m good enough to deserve this faith of yours.”
“Ren…” Ruki tightens his hold on the other boy’s hands.
“After all, we’re all the same, you know. I’m not any better than you just because I was chosen as the center. I’m not the center anymore. You were also the one that everyone says is most fitting to be center, not me.”
“You also would’ve made a good leader, you know, if you wanted to. I know you’ve been one before. You always know what to say, no matter if it’s messages to fans that make them happy or more proper statements during interviews. I can’t do that.”
“That’s just because I talk too much,” Ruki blurts, not really thinking but also not really knowing what else to say even if he did think about it, and Ren laughs.
“That’s not such a bad thing, you know. Unless it’s 4am and your talking is the reason everyone can’t sleep,” Ren says.
“Hey!” Ruki squeezes Ren’s hand, hard, in retaliation. “Not you too! Plus, you fall asleep so easily, I bet not even my talking can keep you awake.”
“Maybe,” Ren smiles, and Ruki thinks, this is it. This is the dynamic that works with their relationship, and they’ve finally found it.
“I’m sorry for being a burden to you for such a long time,” Ruki says seriously. “I never really knew how to approach you because you’ve always felt untouchable for some reason, even when I see you being good friends with Shosei and Kosuke.”
“I guess I also made it harder for you to get closer to me,” Ren says. “I was afraid that if I let you get closer to me, you’d see me as I really am, and then be disappointed when you see all my flaws,” Ren says.
“Oh,” Ruki says dumbly. “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m glad you opened up to me and I am most definitely not disappointed.”
“Looks like you’re not only a good talker but a good listener too,” Ren smiles again, tired but sincere. “Thank you, Ruki.”
“We should go sleep now, since we still have schedules tomorrow,” Ruki says, not sure if he deserves Ren’s thanks because after all, all Ruki did was cause trouble for the other.
“You might wake your roommates up if you go back now,” Ren says as he stands up. “Come sleep with me instead. You can talk all you want and I won’t complain.”
Ruki wants to say nonsense, they sleep like the dead, but the insistence in Ren’s gaze makes him swallow his words and take Ren’s outstretched hand instead.
And, as he follows Ren to bed, Ruki thinks that, just like how he needed to depend on someone before, Ren probably needs someone to depend on too; and, just like how Ren was that person for him, maybe he can be that person for Ren too.